Wednesday, June 14, 2006

let's take this show on the road

i just found out, about half an hour ago, that i'm going on a business trip for work. seriously, who'd've ever thought that i would be saying those words? not i, said the fly. i'm going to new jersey, i've never actually been there, i've flown through there, over it, but never "hung" out there. the one upside is that i'll be within an hour of manhattan, so i might be able to head there. also, my sister & niece live in connecticut so i may call them & see if they're able to travel out to see me for dinner or something. otherwise, it'll be an interesting experience, to say the least.

one of the things i said after josh & jack & i got back from san francisco is that i wouldn't travel again until i'd lost 50lbs. i know there is absolutely no way to do that in the next two weeks. but this is also something that i'm doing for work, so it's not like i chose to go on a trip, which means all that i can do is my very best. i will be packing my lap top & some dvds so that i can do some exercise dvds in my hotel room. i don't even know if the hotel has a gym or anything. hmmm. interesting. i may have to investigate this hotel.


investigation done. & dayum. it's a very nice looking place. wa-hoo. i won't gloat too much because jenn hates me : ( j/k she doesn't hate me, but is wicked jealous because her family lives in vermont so they could visit her if she were going to new jersey.

maybe this is a good thing. traveling for work. on the one hand i'm excited to go, & on the other i really want to just stay here with my yogi. guess it's all part of that whole unease that i've been dealing with lately. i'm sure that it's going to be a good thing for me to go & do this testing for my work. definitely a time for me to shine.

as always the whole "fat phobia" is rearing its ugly head. when i just talk to people on the phone i don't have a "fat voice." i sound cute, spunky, vibrant, & sexy as hell. but in person, well, my opinion is that i'm not exactly any of that. so i kind of hate having to meet people that i've talked with lots on the phone because i usually feel this disappointment when they see me. some of the people i'll be working with there are ones that i've been working on this extra project with at work. & besides that whole crushing of a preconceived notion thing, there's also the fact that, no matter what anyone tells you. often times people see fat people as less competent, stupid, lazy, & gross. it doesn't matter that that notion is completely insane & untrue. it's still alive & well here in america.

i'm not looking for sympathy or reassuring cooing at this point. because, the truth of it is, no matter how much the people around me think these are ludicrous fears, the fact is, they still exist & are very real for me. i hate to call them demons, because it seems to give them too much credit. but these are some of the fears that haunt me.

let's just hope that the number of panic attacks in the next two weeks is kept to a bare minimum & that i don't make too much of an ass of myself.

the plane ride is also wigging me out. i was so uncomfortable on my last trip because i'm bigger than i want to be & people hate flying next to a fat person they don't know. trust me, i'm an expert at this one. i've seen the dread & the repulsion when people realize that i'll be the one sitting next to them. as if because i'm fat i have some horrible incurable disease that will at any moment strike them down. like i said earlier, nothing i can do about it at this point, but i can do my best to make sure that the next time i travel after this i'm smaller than i am now. even 30lbs would make a world of difference.

maybe i'll bring my bon jovi new jersey cd, because, well, everything's better with bon jovi.

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