Friday, July 28, 2006

buh-bye carb countdown

for the first 2-4 weeks of being on the south beach diet they're very strict about staying away from most carbs while you detox your body, so i'm having my little pity-party this weekend & saying my fond farewells to my friends, carbohydrates. it's not good bye for ever, just for a little while- - -name that movie quote for one million brownie points!

basically no potatoes, bread, pasta, or fruit for two weeks! then after that i can slowly add some of it back, but basically if it's overly processed or white ie: white bread, white potatoes, pasta made with white flour, then it should be avoided for a very long time, or for ever, depending on your cravings & tolerances. i know it sounds extreme, but hey, dying & being so mother freakin' fat that you have to hire an nfl team to carry your custom made casket from the u-haul to the grave site is also pretty extreme. ok, yeah, i'm not that big, but it also doesn't take too long to get out of control & i need to stop this at some point & with something as my motivation.

my main hope is that i'm not a south biotch for the next few weeks. i can foresee myself getting quite cranky while my body goes through sugar & carb withdrawal. but luckily i can surround myself with people that love me & will forgive me of any slight transgressions that i make during this transitional period in my life. & luckily my mom is going out of town on saturday august 5th so that she won't be around & i won't be tempted to fight with her about my wedding. i'm seriously sick of that crud.

oh, & for the record, my lovely wedding planner for the reception portion, nicole, heard my side of the story & said that my mom has definitely crossed lines & is totally on my side. then again, she is my wedding planner, so i would hope that she's on my side in this whole thing.

oh holy mis-planning batman! i'm supposed to do a tasting for the food for my wedding in a week & a half! why is this a big deal? i'll be at the end of my detoxing & i'm having my wedding catered by cossetta's. which is a very yummy italian restaurant for those of you outside of the twin cities. hmmm, this does create an interesting dilemma. well, i'll just have to go for it. because, after all, this is the food for my wedding reception, i should be able to know what it tastes like so i can make an informed decision, i'll just have to have my detox period be for closer to four weeks than two.

& as soon as i'm done detoxing then i'll be headed to the state fair where their motto is "if it's edible we'll skewer it & deep fry it." ok, that really isn't their motto, their real motto is "the great minnesota get together," but for anyone that's been to the minnesota state fair it really is a fried food festival. but most of it's very yummy. have you ever had a deep fried candy bar on a stick? i have & it's very very yummy!

so maybe i'll be detoxing for six weeks. at least i can keep exercising & do that with consistency. & soon i'll have my exercise buddy back, yippee!

ooooh! quick work update: left the company that i was with, got a job at the location that i had been contracted with, so i get to stay at my nice office with my friendly coworker's & kick ass gym! i've officially been an employee here since monday & i'm loving it. great to be home with my fuzzy pink dog with her tiara & all my heart shaped pink stickies on my monitor. life is good. now i just need to get one of those pink usb lava lamps from think geek & all will be grand.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

you brought what for lunch?!

while rummaging through cabinets this morning to find something to bring to work for lunch i found a can of sardines & thought "hmmm, it's been a very long time since i've had sardines, i should take these for lunch."

ponder that for a moment. for anyone who doesn't know what sardines are, they are tiny fish cooked & packaged in oil that you eat, typically, with crackers.

yeah, sounds more absurd seeing it in writing than it sounded in my head this morning. here's the thing. i hate fish. like hate hate hate it. however, as a kid i used to simply love sardines. my mom would open a tin up & my brother & i would split it with her, she'd break the little fishies up & portion them out onto saltines, handing them to each of us, then one for herself, doing that until the tin was gone & our little hands were slick with oil.

ah, fond memories.

as i said earlier, it's been several several years since i've indulged in sardines. but they sounded good as i stood in my kitchen this morning at 7am in light blue flannel pj bottoms, with picturesque fences & happy little sheep staring up at me. maybe i was half crazy because i had just woken up, or maybe i was way too lazy to think of anything else that i might want to actually make. either way, i put the tin & some crackers in my backpack & i was off.

now as the day went on this little idea of mine seemed not so great as it had at first, & it just got to be a worse & worse thought as the day went on. however, i also didn't have anything else with me. & my scheduled lunch is at 3:45pm because i work until 8pm, which means the cafeteria & the store are both closed. in theory i could've driven the 9/10 of a mile to subway, got a sandwich & got back with plenty of time to munch my sandwich before i had to be back on the phones. but i made jack promise no more extraneous eating out, for our health & for our finances. & i couldn't exactly get this all worked out with him last night only to turn around & go to subway today for lunch, that's just not right.

so i had the sardines. well, technically not all of them. i managed to have about half of them before i realized i just could not do this. one important detail that had some how slipped my mind is that the last time that i had sardines was sometime before i had my gallbladder removed. i can hear the moans already from those of you without that particular organ that know where this is headed, for the rest of you, i sum up: no gallbladder=extreme difficulty in digesting grease. & sardines are canned in oil. uh, yeah.

another thing i neglected to think about is my coworkers. sardines don't exactly smell like roses, or pizza, or anything yummy. they smell like fish & oil, it's a rather strong odor that tends to linger a little bit, & drift & waft too. so about ten minutes after i opened them up in the next aisle over i hear someone spraying air fresheners, "ssssssshhhhhhh... sssshhhhhst... sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh..... sssssssssshhhhhhhhhh..... ssshst....." lots & lots of popouri went into the air, & the ozone layer died just a little bit inside, er, outside.

& so i threw the rest of the little buggers away on my last break of the day, in the break room, far far away from anyone's desk. & right now i'm munching on popcorn & drinking half a 7up given to me by my kind coworker kim (thanks much!) & semi-lamenting the fact that i didn't take the 3minutes to make a tuna sandwich for lunch, 'cause at least that i know i can eat that & it smells a wee bit like fish, but not enough to make someone empty a whole can of glade into the air.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

how to become a south beachy bunny, baby:

so after much net lurking & scouring many many blogs, my favs are on the right there under the links-thingy, i've come to a conclusion. first one: i don't want my weight loss blog to me another "oh poor me, the oreo's are haunting me, whiney bitch fest" the second: is that while i loathe the atkins diet with it's "absolutely no carbs but here, eat all the bacon you want, why not top it with a steak accented with a hamburger?" i am going to try the south beach diet.

ok, i'll wait while you all regain consciousness. [checking my watch] [tap tap tappity tap tap] hello mcfly?! ok, you can wake up now.

now south beach doesn't totally eliminate carbs, i want that said first & foremost upfront here people. but it does encourage distinguishing between "good" & "bad" carbs. & the basic difference here is all in how the fuel is burned. look at good carbs like a log on a fire, it takes a while to burn, slowly fueling the fire. look at bad carbs as kindling or newspaper, sure they burn, but it doesn't take a heck of a lot of work to turn them into ash. so, with good carbs your body has to work harder to digest those foods & break them down, bad carbs almost instantly turn into sugar & hit your bloodstream fast.

i've been reading the south beach diet book, which is quite interesting actually. even if you're not into the diet you may learn some nifty stuff about your body & how you burn food & why you sometimes have the cravings you do. so far it's making a lot of sense to me. i'm by no means ready to shout the diet's praises from the roof tops, especially since i'm not even on the dang thing yet. but i'm cautiously optimistic. one of the bloggers i read, pasta queen, owes her success to the south beach diet. she's actually the one that made me interested in researching it, thanks pasta queen!

& as i was thinking back to my great weight loss of 2004/2005 i basically just start eating smarter, better, & i eliminated a lot of my cravings. duh?! so examining that closely what i saw was that i stopped eating candy, sugared pop, cake, donuts, ice cream, brownies, cookies, all of that stuff loaded with sugar & processed to death. & it was tough at first, although it did help that i was still wearing my hippy brc** shades & my world was covered by playa dust**. so i was still feeling the good vibes through most of my detox period. & then by the time those shades were lifted i was good & off the sugar & the grease.

seriously, it sounds like i'm strung out on cherry coke & cheeseburgers "come-on man, just a kids meal, please, just a little taste to tide me over. i'm hurtin' here." no, i'm not making fun of drunks or junkies, some of my best friends are recovering from one or both of these ailments, but i seriously feel that way. sometimes that craving is so utterly overwhelming i can't help it. i'm not hungry, i've had dinner, but that urge comes over me & i would do just about anything for a whopper junior, onion rings, & coke icee float. mmmm.....coke icee float....[drools] or a nice big slice of pizza with that yummy garlic dippy stuff & a nice cold mike's hard lime & of course buffalo wings....

i don't like being like this, sitting at work, staring off into space, & thinking, "damn, i should stop at kfc on my way home & get a personal pan pizza & some wings" no, not exaggerating, i hadn't been thinking of it until i started my little mini rant about wanting to not crave grease & there i go craving it. i'm like one of those fooking hamsters on those wheels. the little buggers keep trying to get some place, they think they'll get out of their cage if they just run a bit faster, but all they're really doing is getting higher up on the wheel & assuring that their little feets are going to slip right off the bars & they'll spin until they get dizzy. ((yes, feets was intentional, & it's funny but wrong to laugh at a dizzy hamster falling out of their wheel, & yes i've done it))

**too long to explain, check out the burning man website

i miss light brown m&m's

yesterday evening i was munching on a couple of m&m's when i looked down & realized the color palate just wasn't quite right. it took a moment of thoughtful munching to realize what was wrong. the bright blue m&m's. the just looked wrong there in the more earthy hue. the rest of the chocolate candies looked like they were plucked out of a scene of a tranquil fall day, even the green. but the blue is just shockingly different to the senses. ok, for all you squeeky wheels out there, yes, on a fall day the sky would be blue, but not electric blue, it would be softer, more natural.

now closely upon the heels of this realization was another one. kids out there now have no idea that m&m's used to be light brown! they've always known them to include the little blue bugger. now seriously, that made me feel old. really really freaking old. i know things change, & maybe it's just a fat chick trait that my ah-ha moment revolves around candy, but whoa, it definitely tilted my world.

it also brought to mind a conversation jack & i were having on monday. how did we get around before mapquest? i wasn't driving long before mapquest hit the scene, so i had no real sense of how you found your way around. my guess is it was a whole lot of asking people how to get places, looking at maps, & stopping at your friendly, er, maybe not always so friendly, neighborhood gas station for directions.

i feel old. blech.

weekly wednesday weigh in #2

well, not fabulous but not terrible for this week. i didn't gain any weight, but i also didn't lose any. i do know that i ate horribly & got very little exercise, so all in all let's call it a wash & move on. we're less than a week away from a new month & i really feel this can all get turned around. so no new ticker, but still down 51 lbs from my highest, so still, yea me!

7/27/06 OOPS! i forgot to write my goals in here. we'll have the same two as last week, drink 64+ oz water/day & not gain any weight. to that i will add in: take my vitamins each day. slowly but surely, a new goal a week until the other ones are habit & can be officially dropped off the goals list.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 272 lbs
today's weight: 272 lbs

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

what's that in the sky?

it's a bird, it's a plane, oh wait, it's. . .it's. . .invisible! wtf, where did they go?

so i'm getting my smile fixed, yippee! as many of you who've known me for years know, i did indeed have braces. so seriously, i was fat with glasses & braces, i really had no chance for being a popular kid, did i? but anyway i did have braces, & retainers, & my orthodontist forgot my name, so i eventually stopped wearing my retainers & voila, my teeth decided to rearrange themselves, so my teeth are slightly fooked, gang.

now i didn't especially enjoy my braces experience the first time around, & didn't relish the thought of doing it all over again. but my wonderful dentist had talked with me back at the end of 2004 about something called invisiline. basically it's a serious of trays that slowly move your teeth from their original fooked up position to the desired perfect placement. my dentist did tell me that i will have a long treatment time, probably about a year or more. & that i will need retainers for probably the rest of my life. my teeth are pesky little buggers that really want to do what the heck they want to do!

it's not a cheap treatment, & i hate to admit how much i'm paying for this little piece of vanity. but i also feel that part of what's important in my weight loss journey is in general feeling good about myself, & i really don't feel great about my teeth. it's not like i look like my teeth have never seen the inside of a dentist's office, but they are kinda crooked & it does bug me a lot. & i know my parents, especially my dad, are pretty upset that they spent all that money on orthodonture only to have my teeth look pretty messed up anyway. although, granted, they're loads better now than before i started the whole process. all i'm gonna say is maybe it's not such a bad thing to look at a potential spouse's mouth & jaw alignment before committing to procreation with said person.

& of course with my wedding looming on the horizon, about 49 weeks away, i really want to look great & feel great on that day. yeah yeah yeah yeah, i know it's not all about my physical appearance. but i also know myself well enough to know that i'm a closed mouth smiler when i'm feeling self conscious about my teeth, & my teeth are the very last thing i should be thinking about on my wedding day. i also think that as i make this change it will help me others. OH, & as a nice little bonus i'll have to brush & floss my teeth after i eat anything, which will prevent me from excessive snacking since i'll need to have these puppies on my teeth for around 20hrs/day. nice, huh?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

riddle me this, batman!

ok, so how does this one work? my scale has been going up, but people at work have been saying that i look thinner. my dress pants are nearly falling off me & often flashing my highly inappropriate panties at people while my blouses are getting tighter, especially over the afore mentioned mitendorfs. seriously guys, what's the deal here? it doesn't make sense. it's like the chewbacca defense, really, it is.

could it be because of the fact that almost all of my workouts lately have been cardio? an hour, give or take, on the elliptical without much heavy lifting to counter balance it? but then what explains the expanding that's going on in my upper arm area, i'm seriously starting to believe that if i flap my arms fast enough & hard enough i'll lift off the ground. if i'm not careful i'm going to give myself a black eye one of these days just waving to someone. now how would you explain that one to the urgent care nurse? "honest, my boyfriend isn't hitting me, i got excited & waved hello to the neighbors & my out of control flappy mitendorf jumped up & clocked me a good one." yeah, right, i don't even believe it & i've already been slapped around by said flapping fat.

yeah, lift some weights. i know already, back off! sorry, the voices are a wee bit uppity today. now if you'll all recall back a couple months or so, sheesh, has it been that long already? wait, let me check my blogs, wa-it for it. . . . yup, back beginning of june is when i got my jiggle free arms, well, the dvd anyway. & not long after that i got my transfirmer too. so, if i would've been using them all this time instead of lounging about maybe i wouldn't be in fear of a fat caused black eye from a friendly wave hello. yeah, & if the dog would'nt've stopped to lick his butt he would've caught the rabbit. i get it. just gotta look forward, right?

& onto other "riddle me this's" . . . . i stepped on the work scale today after my workout, the one that has been teasing me with false readings a good twenty pounds less than reality. i just wanted a feel good moment. well the little trickster is close to reality again. it said i was 269.2. ah-hem, now once again, seriously guys, what's up with that one?! it could be some kindly security guard or cleaning person switched the woman's bathroom scale with the men's bathroom scale & now all the guys think they're svelte as all get out. or the ghost has left the machine for the day. i prefer the ghost in the machine option. leaving it's earthly shell behind for a bit. god i hope there's some anime geeks reading this right now, otherwise i'm the only one smirking, how very very sad.

so five more days til my second weekly wednesday weigh in, complete with pretty rainbow, pot of gold, & pink scale counter. souls, i need souls. ah-hem, sorry, that's goals. as with all new things, i'm adopting the k-i-s-s strategy. (keep it simple stupid). so two goals will be all i'm looking for in the next week, & those two will be: drink 64 oz water each day. not gain any weight. ok, very small, slightly pathetic, but i'm trying not to get overwhelmed here.

also, thanks for the comment pearl. i am trying to be a good little butterball & take my vitamins. i have vitamin C chews, & i'm trying to take one each morning when i wake up. i've also got some "complete" multi-vitamins. i think that's a great idea to try some vitamins &/or minerals, there are a lot of natural products out there that have great healing power without being a diet supplement. & sorry you had to create a blog hun, i thought i reset the comment thingy so that anyone can leave one. ((note to self: check comments setting))

& on that note, believe it or not, i've been trying this supplement that my dad uses. it's kind of expensive to take, almost $100 per month, but he's had great improvements on it. he has more energy, has been taking less naps, his blood sugar is down, & his legs have been healing. for those of you who don't know my dad has really bad problems with his legs & has often been off of work on temporary disability in the past few years for months at a time because his legs will crack, split open & get infected. the doctors have talked a few times in the past already about amputation, so he's super diligent to check his legs/circulation every morning- - - & they're getting better! that's the biggest selling point to me. it's a twin cities based company, so it's local, which i like, but they do have a website. once i try it for three or four weeks i'll tell you all more, so remind me september 1st! in the mean time, if anyone wants to know more, send me a message & i'll give you the info one-on-one. i'm not advertising in anyway, just saying that it's been really helping my dad & i'm trying it too.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

weekly wednesday weigh-in #1

welcome to a new selection of beckah's blog, my weekly wednesday weigh-in. i figured since i'd be doing this at least i should have something fun about it, the alliteration, of course : )

as you'll see above i have a lovely new weight counter, & each week i'll post a blog with my stats, a pretty new counter, & i'll update the one at the top.

my goal is to be well under 250 when october rolls around & my wedding dress finally gets into the shop.

so here's the results for week #1. the high number is what my highest weight was back in the late '90's. i'm not proud of it at all, but i also think i should celebrate that accomplishment of being out of the 300's.

original weight: 323 lbs
today's weight: 272 lbs

Friday, July 14, 2006

slippery slopes

slippery slopes are really only fun when you're covered head-to-toe in mud & can't remember how many shots you've had, other than that they're a right good pain in the butt.

i feel like i'm traveling, head first, at a terrific speed, down one of said slopes. it starts off so innocently, "well maybe mcdonald's would be ok for dinner just this one night." & then every day you're stopping at some drive through or another & your car floor boards begin to look like you're living out of said car & throwing the wadded-up paper bags filled with burger wrappers & fry boxes on the floor. i will admit my guilt & accept responsibility for my portion of this culinary debacle, but i'll also readily admit that my lovely fiance has had more than his fair share of "i really don't feel like cooking can't we just stop & get something quick 'cause i'm so hungry i could eat the dashboard" moments. but even given his influence, i am a grown girl & if i don't want to stop for grease masquerading as sustenance than i need to speak up & say so.

there was a point in time that i had taken myself off sugar so completely that i couldn't eat it at all. & i had detoxed my body so that just walking into a burger king made me twenty shades of nauseous from the grease that i could just smell in the air. i did that so quickly & with such vigorous abandonment that it was nearly inevitable that i would crash. i made the change too quickly & too drastically. but, there's always a but, isn't there? but, i do think that i can do this whole thing again, just this time slower, more thoughtfully, with more purpose behind my plotting & planning. so that this time i can actually make this whole thing work.

here's the thing, while i know that other people have lost scads of weight & kept it off, & they can be good role models, i need to look to myself, not to others, for the inspiration on this one. i mean, at my heaviest i was 323 lbs. i'm not proud to admit that, eventhough i've said it before on this site, but i am proud of the fifty some pounds that i've lost since then, that i've managed to keep off. i have a good ways to go still, but if i look at it as i've lost a third of the weight that i want to lose, instead of just seeing that i have well over another 100 lbs to go, that makes it some what easier to swallow.

no matter what window dressings i put on this caper, it's still a hard thing to do, a very hard thing to do. but i like a challenge. & i like figuring things out, especially when it's said that there is no solution, that it's impossible. that makes it all the more tempting. & lately i've been getting that look at time, the one that makes me cringe & feel that my only way out is the slicey-dicey. (not that that's a bad thing, 'cause for some people it makes sense) for me, the thought makes me feel sick & all these other black sludge nasty emotions that i'd rather not bring into my happy sunshiney world.

& i also put out this plea to you, my friends, my readers, my stalkers (heya skippy), if you see me binging on ice cream, or fries, or anything not so healthy, give me a gentle nudge, or the gesture of your choice. not that i need a babysitter. but it's always nice to know that someone's on your side, looking out for you, & hoping that you succeed.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

it's a beckah sighting on yahoo!

so i logged onto yahoo chat for the first time last night since, well, i think there was snow on the ground, must've been before easter. & i instantly had messages pinging me all over the place. & one of the people who pinged my was the ultra-fabulous dev, my dizzy companion from burning man & the wicked awesome bay area!

& right away he sends a message, after stating it was a beckah sighting on yahoo, that it's a year until my wedding. once again, EEK! & i went on saying that my fat butt needs to get in shape so i'm not a uber fat bride come aisle day. dev then proceeds to tell me about the 5 1/2 marathons he'll be running & the full marathon next year & suggested that i start marathon-ing because it's a great way to lose weight. yeah, right. i couldn't type fast enough: "i don't run." he then chided me telling me "it's your wedding." ok, you win this one, dev.

but seriously, i totally love the fact that he cares enough about me & my health to get on my case & recommend that this fat girl run her way around the block. even though, i don't run. number one reason i don't frequent scary dark alleys: my fat tush couldn't run away from any lurking bad guys, i'd totally be worm food. & that's just not acceptable, i don't want to have my family hire the minnesota vikings to be my pallbearers. although that's an interesting image, it's still not my dream funeral.

& i'm still working on the loving myself thing. it's a super long trek, but well worth it. & sometimes it really is more about the journey than the destination. although, being a smokin' hot bride is definitely a nice destination, methihnks, but what i'll learn on my way to that point is what i'm trying to focus on now. the thought of having to lose about half my body weight is a crippling overwhelming thought, & at the exact same time it's a thrilling thought too. because once i get to that point where i can say "i weigh less than half of what i used to weigh" that will be a huge accomplishment. no pun intended this time.

my focus at this point though has to be on the short term, not even in a month or a week, but it has to be tomorrow & today & the next five minutes of my life. there's a lot of my life right now that is literally spinning out of my control, but when i can't do anything about the rest of my life, i can control me. what i say, what i do, & what i eat. that also means what i don't say, don't do, or don't eat. yin & yang, the darkness & the light. it's the balance between it all, when the silence is comfort & peace.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

love me, love my mittendorfs

so i've done some soul searching, but not at the bottom of a pint of ice cream, yea me! & i've come to a realization. last year, or, more accurately, late 2004 through beginning 2005, when i was losing scads of weight, the difference was that for the first time in my life i really honest to god loved myself. i knew that i was smart, beautiful, talented, & the weight was just an external thing. just a physical thing, baby. & that's what made it possible for me to lose weight so easily. because i came to terms with my bad past, & that i couldn't do thing one about it, BUT i could change my destiny!

ok, i'll wait for you to barf. done?

but really, it all comes down to self love, self respect, & realizing that you really are worth it. it's been said too many times, but really, if you want someone to love you, you must first love yourself. luckily for me, jack is a total sweet heart who has stayed with me through my self doubt & self hatred, & he still reassures me that he loves me & that i'm beautiful. he'll even randomly tell me that "you're so much hotter than this chick i saw...." ok, that one does make me feel bad for whoever this random chick may be, but makes me feel good too that he's still hot for my [jiggly] bod.

so with the wedding ticker down to 51 weeks i'm starting a new diet. the "i love me, i'm worth it, & i really don't want that stickin snickers bar" diet. like the name? it's all mine baby. ok, not my best work, but it's a start.

Friday, July 07, 2006

one year & counting. . . .

so one year from today i'll be getting married to my wonderful sweetie, jack.

it's exciting, but now i'm even more nervous. here's the thing gang, i really don't want to be a hefty bride weighing in at over 200 pounds. this is not a WWF fight, this is a wedding, but god. brides are supposed to be beautiful & delicate. & how the friggin hell is jack supposed to carry me over anything, much less a threshold, if i'm that big? it's not the vision i have of my wedding day. i'm supposed to be cute, irresistible, & radiant, goddamn it!

yeah, the bride can, if she so chooses, swear like a sailor. want to make something of it?

anyway, i think i'm officially into the major freaking out phase of my wedding planning, &, do you hear that? that subtle crackling sound? methinks that bridezilla is emerging from her shell, hatching after having been lovingly incubated (read: repressed) for over a year now. but, yup, there she is, large & ready to breathe flames in order to get things in order (read: her way).

honestly, i'm not that much of a diva. ok, i'm a little diva-esq, but what girl isn't? jenn, don't answer that. & especially when it comes to big things, this, folks, is a really big thing.

i have this vision of how my wedding is supposed to look. no, i'm not a psychic, but i play one on wow*. in either case, i know how i want things to look at my wedding. i have the theme & feel of the event very clear in my head. & i'm not very willing to work with anyone who's going to fuck up my idea of what i want. i'm not completely unreasonable, i'm willing to take other people's suggestions into consideration, but people blatantly messing with what i want, that i won't tolerate.

with that being said, up comes the issue of MOM. mine is driving me mother friggin buggy! i really want to tell her that she already had her wedding thirty-some years ago & if she's not happy with the one she had then she's more than welcome to do a renewal of vows for herself & my dad & to kindly keep her hands off of my plans! now of course i'd never be so mean as to say that to my mom. i really do love her, & she has some great ideas, but she's trying to hijack my wedding & do things her way. which, obviously, is not my way.

the latest, you ask? she's trying to get me to have my brother make stands to drape fabric to "soften" the walls of the caves because she thinks the atmosphere is too stark. one of the reasons that jack & i chose the wabasha street caves as our venue is because they're unique & dramatic. the caves were a night club back in the early part of the 1900's, ie the 30's or so. it was frequented by gangsters such as ma barker, & there was even a gangland shooting there from that same time period (there's still bullet holes in the wall). since it's actually a part of the cliffs there are no exterior windows, the walls are rounded stucco, & it has a cozy feeling. we're also going to hire a tour guide in period costume to give tours of the unfinished caves to our guests. the main attraction is that it's dark, mysterious, kind of a bit of a sexy dangerous feel to it. so why would i want to soften all of this up with fabric drapes? check out the above link kiddles, click on the "events" button & you'll see a picture of the banquet portion with set tables.

also, what is wrong with having daises as my flowers? why must i have greens in there? i don't want greenery. it goes against the tone that i'm setting. & for the record: i don't like boutinaires. i don't plan on spending the money on them for jack, the groomsmen, ushers, or our fathers. why is it such a sin to want to resist pinning a bunch of flowers to the lapels of the men participating in the wedding? do you really think the guys are going to be all butt hurt about not getting flowers? jack, marty, josh, are any of you seriously torqued about the lack of boutinaires? please tell me if you are, i may reconsider. but they'll just look silly on the zoot suits. just plain silly!

so there's my wedding count down rant of the week. this message has been brought to you by the letters j & b & the number 777.

* world of warcraft

Thursday, July 06, 2006

it's the small things

& unfortunately right now i'm not talking about my ass. but anyway. today a really sweet lady at work, kat, stopped by my cube to tell me that i'm looking thinner & really terrific.

so yup, that was a nice spot of sunshine in my day.

let me off this ride!

so yesterday was a horrid emotional roller coaster to say the very least.

first: at work i was told that i'm being moved to another location. so i'm being removed from my nice mellow office to the high-stressed corporate office where everyone is in a perpetual bad mood. yeah, that really made my day (note the sarcasm, please)

then, during my last break i was checking my voicemail & i had a message from my dad saying that my dog ran off. he (my dog, not my dad) was outside to go to the bathroom & someone in the neighborhood lit a firecracker, he (once again, dog not dad) spooked & ran. needless to say i was a basketcase & was sent home. thankfully jenn was still here & volunteered to stay until 8pm so that i could head home at 6pm. she really is a sweetheart!

luckily part of this has a happy ending. my baby-boy walker was returned home to me last night after 9pm by two very nice ladies who found him wandering near some office buildings. one of them was a vet tech so she scanned his neck & got the chip number, called the st. francis, the shelter i adopted him from, & got my phone number. today i'll be getting him one of those little engraved name charms with his name & my phone number. we're also going to triple check the gates every time before we let him out.

the work situation blows, most definitely. but if only one of the "tragedies" of yesterday was going to turn out well for me, i'm glad that my puppy is home safe & sound. i was downright petrified that something bad would happen to him. my pets really are a part of my family. i do know that if he wouldn't've had the chip put in his neck by the shelter that we may not have gotten him back. so anyone with a pet, i would highly encourage you to pay the money for the service.

for now, we'll call this a blog. that's all folks!

Monday, July 03, 2006

maybe if i was a stripper!

Your Alias Should Be:

Jaelyn Ainsley

Your Alias Should Be:

Tori Kaydence

Your Alias Should Be:

Malia India

Your Alias Should Be:

Madelynn Carlie

Your Alias Should Be:

Iris Imani

Your Alias Should Be:

Harley Isabela

Your Alias Should Be:

Sarai Kiera

Your Alias Should Be:

Raquel America

my heart belongs to italy

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart

Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome

Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand

And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

what's your gem?

Your Gemstone is Orange Saphire

Courageous, optimistic, and successful.

Your confidence helps you handle the ups and downs of life

when i wear them

The PJ's You Are Most Like: His Shirt

You're a loyal and caring girlfriend who can't get enough of her man

So much so that you love to have him with you 24-7

And when he's gone, wearing his shirt is the next best thing

are any of you REALLY surprised?

You Are an Animal Print Bra!

Wild, zany, and even a little crazy.

You make every date an unpredictable adventure.

You want a guy who will constantly surprise you.

A relationship that's the most insane ride of your life.

a vanilla sky & star-spangled brownies

i was watching vanilla sky on bravo yesterday & i happened upon a pearl of wisdom "every second is another moment to turn it all around." now this may or may not be an exact quote from the movie, i don't travel with a steno pad, but it's a very close approximation. this came to me at a very opportune moment in that i had been scarfing brownies with chocolate frosting & patriotic stars ever since they had cooled & been frosted.

while i don't typically take advice from movies, this was a particularly good turn of phrase. & it's also very true. why wait until the next morning, next week, next month until you change your habits to make your life what you dream that it could be. sometimes the cliche is the most true: there's no time like the present, seize the day, tomorrow is today, [insert tired cliche here], . . . .

while it shames me to say, i will readily admit that my compulsive eating has gotten way out of control lately. my depression is a daily struggle. as is my home environment. & i really feel that so much of what's going on around me is completely & totally out of my control. BUT, i can control what i eat. & instead of becoming anorexic & not eating anything i binge & indulge myself because i can. yes, i do realize the behavior is just as destructive. & i know it's a good thing that i realize it. but i still feel like i'm light years away of getting a handle on it. how can i know, i mean really by-god fucking know that i'm killing myself with these actions & yet i feel unable to do anything about it? it just doesn't make sense.

it doesn't even follow the chewbacca defense. that's how seriously messed up it is. i'm a sad panda.

& i don't have an answer. a year & some change ago i was doing fabulous. i moved back into my parents house & that seemed to be the beginning of this awful down slide. i hesitate to blame it on them, but the environment that i live in is extremely dysfunctional & less than healthy. if i had the money i'd move out, right now, this minute. well, maybe not this minute 'cause i'm at work, but asap most definitely.

anyone out there want to hire me starting at $65,000/year minimum? come on, you know you want to : ) maybe not the best job hunting tactic, my comments may be quite interesting over the next few days.

i guess i'll just have to work to change what i can & not fight what's out of my control. no, not in AA, never been, but it seems to be the mantra to a lot of twelve-step programs which seem to be all over. i've also watched lots & lots of nypd blue which often featured the end of AA meetings. it also falls into the above mentioned category of cliche, but also just into plain old common sense.