so i logged onto yahoo chat for the first time last night since, well, i think there was snow on the ground, must've been before easter. & i instantly had messages pinging me all over the place. & one of the people who pinged my was the ultra-fabulous dev, my dizzy companion from burning man & the wicked awesome bay area!
& right away he sends a message, after stating it was a beckah sighting on yahoo, that it's a year until my wedding. once again, EEK! & i went on saying that my fat butt needs to get in shape so i'm not a uber fat bride come aisle day. dev then proceeds to tell me about the 5 1/2 marathons he'll be running & the full marathon next year & suggested that i start marathon-ing because it's a great way to lose weight. yeah, right. i couldn't type fast enough: "i don't run." he then chided me telling me "it's your wedding." ok, you win this one, dev.
but seriously, i totally love the fact that he cares enough about me & my health to get on my case & recommend that this fat girl run her way around the block. even though, i don't run. number one reason i don't frequent scary dark alleys: my fat tush couldn't run away from any lurking bad guys, i'd totally be worm food. & that's just not acceptable, i don't want to have my family hire the minnesota vikings to be my pallbearers. although that's an interesting image, it's still not my dream funeral.
& i'm still working on the loving myself thing. it's a super long trek, but well worth it. & sometimes it really is more about the journey than the destination. although, being a smokin' hot bride is definitely a nice destination, methihnks, but what i'll learn on my way to that point is what i'm trying to focus on now. the thought of having to lose about half my body weight is a crippling overwhelming thought, & at the exact same time it's a thrilling thought too. because once i get to that point where i can say "i weigh less than half of what i used to weigh" that will be a huge accomplishment. no pun intended this time.
my focus at this point though has to be on the short term, not even in a month or a week, but it has to be tomorrow & today & the next five minutes of my life. there's a lot of my life right now that is literally spinning out of my control, but when i can't do anything about the rest of my life, i can control me. what i say, what i do, & what i eat. that also means what i don't say, don't do, or don't eat. yin & yang, the darkness & the light. it's the balance between it all, when the silence is comfort & peace.