Friday, July 14, 2006

slippery slopes

slippery slopes are really only fun when you're covered head-to-toe in mud & can't remember how many shots you've had, other than that they're a right good pain in the butt.

i feel like i'm traveling, head first, at a terrific speed, down one of said slopes. it starts off so innocently, "well maybe mcdonald's would be ok for dinner just this one night." & then every day you're stopping at some drive through or another & your car floor boards begin to look like you're living out of said car & throwing the wadded-up paper bags filled with burger wrappers & fry boxes on the floor. i will admit my guilt & accept responsibility for my portion of this culinary debacle, but i'll also readily admit that my lovely fiance has had more than his fair share of "i really don't feel like cooking can't we just stop & get something quick 'cause i'm so hungry i could eat the dashboard" moments. but even given his influence, i am a grown girl & if i don't want to stop for grease masquerading as sustenance than i need to speak up & say so.

there was a point in time that i had taken myself off sugar so completely that i couldn't eat it at all. & i had detoxed my body so that just walking into a burger king made me twenty shades of nauseous from the grease that i could just smell in the air. i did that so quickly & with such vigorous abandonment that it was nearly inevitable that i would crash. i made the change too quickly & too drastically. but, there's always a but, isn't there? but, i do think that i can do this whole thing again, just this time slower, more thoughtfully, with more purpose behind my plotting & planning. so that this time i can actually make this whole thing work.

here's the thing, while i know that other people have lost scads of weight & kept it off, & they can be good role models, i need to look to myself, not to others, for the inspiration on this one. i mean, at my heaviest i was 323 lbs. i'm not proud to admit that, eventhough i've said it before on this site, but i am proud of the fifty some pounds that i've lost since then, that i've managed to keep off. i have a good ways to go still, but if i look at it as i've lost a third of the weight that i want to lose, instead of just seeing that i have well over another 100 lbs to go, that makes it some what easier to swallow.

no matter what window dressings i put on this caper, it's still a hard thing to do, a very hard thing to do. but i like a challenge. & i like figuring things out, especially when it's said that there is no solution, that it's impossible. that makes it all the more tempting. & lately i've been getting that look at time, the one that makes me cringe & feel that my only way out is the slicey-dicey. (not that that's a bad thing, 'cause for some people it makes sense) for me, the thought makes me feel sick & all these other black sludge nasty emotions that i'd rather not bring into my happy sunshiney world.

& i also put out this plea to you, my friends, my readers, my stalkers (heya skippy), if you see me binging on ice cream, or fries, or anything not so healthy, give me a gentle nudge, or the gesture of your choice. not that i need a babysitter. but it's always nice to know that someone's on your side, looking out for you, & hoping that you succeed.

1 comment:

PensivePearl said...

all you can do is keep on working on things... I really think you should try vitamin supplements. Not diet pills, vitamins... there are so many that can make you feel great.. and feel not so hungry.

ps. I did get a blog to comment on yours because I couldn't comment without one!