Thursday, August 31, 2006

let's hear it for the boy

now protect the innocent & embarrassed i'll use aliases for the following blog, but this is based on true events.

so my good friend suzy sent me a random im today saying that her boy toy is on the way to the er because he thinks he has a broken arm. & she then tells me it was a really stupid stunt, so i had to ask what happened. & oh boy, am i glad that i did. so suzy tells me what mike did.

his roommate whet to his booty call's place & mike accidentally got locked out of his apartment. now instead of calling his roomie, or paying the lockout fee, or calling suzy to crash at her place, he decides he can handle it. keep in mind, ALL of this is true.

so mike does have access to his storage unit & has his car keys. don't ask me how he doesn't have apartment keys at this point. so he pulls his car up under his apartment window. & then puts a kitchen table on top of it. & then put a chair on top of that. so he stacks all of this up on his car & then proceeds to climb onto the car, onto the table, & then onto the chair so that he can reach his bedroom window.

i know what you're thinking. he fell off of all of this & broke his arm hitting the pavement. nope, wait for it. he then fell INTO his apartment & he thinks that he broke his arm then.

now while mike was making this tower of furniture one of his conscientious neighbors called the cops. so after he falls into his apartment the cops come knocking. & while falling into his apartment somehow mike managed to rip his pants, so he's standing there, talking to the cops, his junk hanging out, & his car piled high with furniture & he needs to get to the hospital.

i'll admit i'm highly amused by this anecdote, but i'm also hoping that mike is doing well & that he didn't break his arm. but if he did, i'm not sure how much loving he'll be getting from the chicas. suzy said that mike is going to get a hot pink cast if his arm is broken. & she said it makes her less than hot.

poor mike. injured. no nookie. & bucking for the white trash bloopers reel of cops.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

wednesday weigh in # 7

blame it on the fair-food.

starting weight: 323.0 lbs
last week's weight: 274.5 lbs
this week's weight: 279.0 lbs

just a little to the left

it's been proven to me that i am much too much a creature of habit & i really need to make my brain work a little bit more instead of shut off & sing the "meow-meow" song. you know the one "meow meow meow meow meow..." the meow mix song? anyway.

i had once read that in order to keep your brain sharp & strong that you need to exercise it like you would any other muscle. lately i haven't been exercising my brain enough, especially at work. i've very much gotten into my routine & i'm perfectly happy with leaving things be the exact same way each day, but there is a danger in that if you don't challenge your mind it will shut off & go along thinking that things are copesetic, when really they aren't.

take today for instance. now for some reason the cleaning staff always decide to clean the bathroom near my cube right around my break time of 1:45pm. some days if i hurry i can get in the bathroom first, or sometimes i'll grab some water or yogurt from the break room & then head to the bathroom. today i decided i had to go to the bathroom right away, & drats, the one near me was closed.

i hurried, & yet was casual about it, to the other bathroom on the far end of the building. that bathroom is the exact same as the one that i normally use except for it's all a mirror opposite. so the sinks are on my right when i walk in instead of my left. & in the stall the toilet paper is on the left instead of the right. excellent opportunity to flex your brain you say? well, it would've been if i had been paying attention. instead i was preoccupied & i'd let my brain think of other things & put my body on auto-pilot. which was not necessarily a good thing. since everything in that bathroom is just slightly different than the one i normally go to my auto pilot slightly malfunctioned & i nearly fell off the toilet. as it was i slipped to my right, clunking my right elbow hard into the tiled wall before regaining my balance & settling in properly. & to top it all off, there was someone at the sinks when i came in who had to have heard the loud thwumk of elbow meeting wall.

i'm thinking that it's a sign from "up-above" for me to start being mindful of myself & my surroundings. also that maybe i shouldn't be so set in my ways & in doing everything the exact same all the time. i guess at least i know that the universe has a sense of humor when it comes to my life. how else can you explain nearly falling off a toilet with your pants around your ankles?

Monday, August 28, 2006

pain: a balancing act

i read an article that said that women who exercise regularly, at least three times per week for 30min each time can decrease their cramps by 30% or more. which begs the question, is it better to have a little pain everyday, or crippling pain for a few days? for a while i didn't pay any attention to that, even forgot all about it, until today.

today i'm in such bad pain i want to curl up in a ball, in bed, doped up on lots of narcotics, until i drift into a wondrous drug induced haze with pretty colors & talking bunnie wabbits. or pretty bunnie wabbits & talking colors. either way works splendidly for me.

of course i realize that if i worked out a couple days a week i would feel better in general. i'd be less stressed out, which would lead to fewer headaches & backaches & spazzing muscles. all of which have been happening pretty much daily lately. & of course there'd be the increase in energy. building muscle. losing fat. losing weight. wow, isn't that a novel idea? exercise & get healthy.

i know i whine a lot about this. but somehow i can't get up the motivation to do anything. although starting next tuesday jenn will be done with training, & so i better find some motivation soon because she wants me to be her work out buddy. i know i'll whine & bitch, & most likely give her the evil eye. but when she & i were working out together this past winter we were both doing really well.

large doses of narcotics really aren't an option, are they? eh, a girl can hope, right?

my fair gluttony

here in the twin cities we're in the midst of the minnesota state fair, officially known as the "great minnesota get together." unofficially known as the "great minnesota get fat together." basically, if it's deep fried, & on a stick, then it's at the fair. also, if it's deep fried & on a stick, there's a good chance i had a bite of it this past saturday.

as part of our employee appreciation week my company gave each employee two free gate tickets & two free tshirts to wear to the fair. yippee, i love swag! the tickets were only good for this past saturday, so jack & jenn & i rounded up the crew & headed out to the fairgrounds. we had two fair noobs (aka virgins) with us, the lovely miss jenn & the lovely miss becky, neither of whom have ever been! i know, tragic. jenn's excuse is that she's never been in minnesota during the summer, ok, that one i grudgingly accept. becky's excuse is that she lived in brainerd, which is no excuse in my book, it's not like she was in canada or something. love you miss becky : )

i've heard that, on average, minnesotans are some of the healthiest eaters in the country. my theory is that we need to eat that way for 52 weeks of the year to combat the cardiac catastrophe that is the state fair. now way back when the state fair, like most state fairs, was a chance for folks from all over the state to gather & show off their: a) farm animals b) quilts & c) other farm related wares. & then of course truck on up to machinery hill to check out the new tractors & other farm equipment. you will still find those things at the fair, along with a talent show & lots of concerts. but most people now go for the food.

ask any regular fair go-er & they'll list for you their must haves of the fair year. food that can only be gotten for ten days of the year, right before, & including, labor day. some of the favs are: cheese curds, mini donuts, sweet martha's cookies, roasted corn on the cob, fresh milk shakes, french fries, & root beer. now that's just an educated guess with a little bit of tampering from my own favorites.

so if it's the same year after year, why do you go, you ask? ah, well it's not the same year after year. each year something new appears which we must try. this year we tried four new items: hotdish on a stick, beer battered brat on a stick, red bull freeze, & deep fried chocolate chip cookies. my favorite were the last two. the hotdish was ok, definitely better than the spaghetti & meatballs from last year.

i will admit that i had: 1 1/2 foot longs, part of a deep fried 3 musketeers, bites of 3 different kinds of nutrolls, half a smore, an rc cola, a bite of alligator sausage, a bite of a reuben on a stick, dippin' dots, a bite of a gyro, a few spoonfuls of ligonberry ice cream, a bag of mini donuts, some sweet martha's cookies, half an ear of roasted corn, 3/4 of an order of cheesecurds, lots of root beer, fresh squeezed lemonade, a chocolate malt, a red bull freeze, deep fried chocolate chip cookies, 25% of a hotdish on a stick (with mushroom dipping sauce), & i think that's about it.

it was quite a day. i'm just now slowly waking up from the food coma. talk about over indulgence. of course i was miserable at the end of the day. my feet were tired from toting around all this weight. & i was hot & sweaty. & my sweat was sweating. but all in all it was a good day. to quote a good friend: "it's a great way to end a legacy, with one last over indulgence, the biggest of them all, the state fair."

i did enjoy myself, but i think i really am ready to quit letting food control my life. i need it for fuel, but it really doesn't make me happy. it doesn't help me to achieve anything. all my preoccupation does is keep me from doing what i want. my dependence & addiction keep me from striving for all those goals that i keep talking about. but talking never really gets you anywhere, unless you're a politician. & thank you, but threadbare as they are, i'd still like to keep my morals.

& after josh gets done with his surgery he said exercise is going to be his new addiction & he's taking jack & i along with him, whether we want to or not! so i guess it's fitness here i come. or get fit or die trying? just remember gang, if i kick the bucket over 200lbs get some of the minnesota vikings to be pall bearers & make sure i'm immortalized on

wednesday weekly weigh in #6 (a few days late)

so, nothing really changed, but i've been uber busy lately. so here's the latest numbers as of last week.

original weight: 323.0 lbs
last week's weight: 274.5 lbs
this week's weight: 274.5 lbs

Friday, August 25, 2006

i thought i thaw a puddy cat

oh wait, it's just the hairless wonder.

so for all of you who don't yet know what my brother did to my cat, here's the 411. on wednesday he took poor miss cleopatra into the vet to get her rabies shot (that i don't object to) he then took her out to the groomer's & had her shaved. yup, he shaved my cat, without my permission. that's just not cool folks. now instead of being completely hairless she does have some fur, not much of it, but a little bit. she has what's called a "lion's cut." which means she has fur on her head, her front paws, the back ones from the joint down, & about 3 inches of her tail is fluffy. the rest is just gone with the wind. poor thing looks like she's wearing leg warmers.

& she scares me on a daily basis now. i catch sight of her out of the corner of my eye & i scream a bit. she's just dang freaky looking. i think she's also really cold now too, she's taken to sleeping in my bed or cuddling with me all the time. then again, maybe she just wants to stay far away from my brother since he did that to her.

now, this doesn't prevent me from sharing this with the public. so i will be taking some pics of her soon & posting them here just because she is quite amusing looking.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

an apple a day: blog worthy jeans

last week i had this family get together to attend. ok, technically 50th bday shin-ding for my aunt cathy, but none the less it falls into the greater category of FAMILY GATHERING. especially since usually i only see my extended family once a year.

now as you all know, my faithful readers, my fat tush has not only NOT lost weight over the past month or so, but my weight & waist, along with other things, have been getting bigger. & while i have some cute jeans at home, i can't wear them without feeling like i'm auditioning for oscar myer for the role of "guest wennie." & to top it all off, last week my levi's waved a white flag & surrendered. they have officially given up the fight & are ready to be retired.

interesting side note: there are toothbrushes that have that blue band in the middle, & when that half fades away you know it's time to replace your toothbrush. now for all of these years i thought that those leather patches on the back of levi's were just for decoration. something to say "hey dude, these are levi's!" believe it or not they actually serve a functional purpose, much like the blue toothbrush bristles, it indicates when it's time to buy a new pair of jeans. last week, the leather patch ripped clean in half, all the way through. no warning, no inkling, nothing. just fine one day & two sad little pieces the next.

i had arranged to work the way-to-early-in-the-morning shift so that i could get off work early & get to my aunt's party at a decent hour. i actually clocked out at 3:30pm, then didn't get out to the car until almost 4pm, & decided i had to zing over to moa to see about some new blue jeans. & this wicked cute hello kitty shirt i saw on the torrid website. i was feeling fat & frumpy & in need of a new pary outfit. by the time i got to the mall i was mucho cranky, tired, hot & so not in the mood to a: shop b: go to a party or c: do anything that didn't involve a nice soothing shower followed by bed-lounging-tv-watching.

once i got to torrid that changed. i took some clothes into the dressing room, three t-shirts & two pairs of jeans. one random pair that was greyish, & a pair of medium blue apple bottoms. now i'll admit, ever since i first heard of these jeans i've been curious about them & very tempted to hunt down a pair. shhhh....i'm huntin' wa-er, i mean jeans. they are designed to fit those of us blessed/cursed with an ample posterior better than any other jeans. now considering most jeans have this obnoxious puker in the back because they just can't accommodate the junk in my trunk, i was really happy when i heard nelly was releasing this clothing line.

typically i'm not big into fashion, trends, what's hot or not, but these jeans are seriously the best pair of jeans i have ever worn in my life! they're wicked comfy, not restricting or ill fitting in anyway, & the best thing, they have enough room for my "b-dunk-a-dunk." most of the time i'm flashing my thong at someone, unknowingly, because my jeans just aren't cut right for my body shape. no more, i say, no more! i have found the jeans to fit my ghetto booty, dare i even say, my apple bottom?

finally, blog worthy jeans.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

wednesday weekly weigh in #5

& reluctantly i post this:

yup, that's what 24hrs on a road trip can do to me.

*ring* *ring* *ring*

hear that? it's reality calling my fat self.

maybe i'll put down the cheetos & answer that.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

gino's: a pizza review

so i'm no longer a chitown, or gino's, virgin. thank you josh.

josh, jack, & i decided to take an impromptu road trip this past weekend. originally we were headed south for ribs, yup, to that great rib capital, ames, iowa. before the guffaws begin, hickory park in ames is a pretty good rib place for being in corn country, & it's a reasonable driving distance. & a rather fun jaunt. well, as it turns out, it was the iowa state fair this past weekend & all the hotels were booked. yeah, i know, i never would've guessed either. so then we were going to crash my mom & dad's anniversary week in duluth, but josh didn't want to stay with them 'cause no wireless & all the hotels in da-loot (duluth for non-minneSNOWtans) were booked due to some jazz festival. yeah, seriously, what are the odds that our first two destinations were all booked? so even though we only had 24hrs, give or take a couple, we decided to go south east to chitown (chicago).

we booked a last minute 4star hotel via a website for a super cheap rate & we were off to the land of a thousand toll booths. ok, first we had to go through the land of a thousand cows, which also seems to be stuck in 1991, but that's a whole other issue.

ah, how i love the phenomenon known as a road trip. you pack your stuff, your friends, & yourself into a car & head off to parts unknown, or known but well loved. one thing that i did notice on this road trip is my affinity for "road food." no, i wasn't picking up flatten squirrels & making rodent tar-tar. but rather the abundance of high sugar, high fat, yummy snacks found at the gas stations-rest stops-truck stops-drive thrus all along the highway. & somehow, as soon as i crawled into the back seat of josh's car i completely forgot about this blog, my work outs, struggle to lose weight, the whole sha-bang was out the window as my eyes glazed over with the wondrous treats offered by the miles of road & the hours of nothing to do but munch & talk & sleep.

but what of the pizza, you cry? ok, skip past the: oodles of road chocolate, a&w float, 2am mcdonald's run, apple pie breakfast, & mediocre shake from a 24 flavor baskin robbins, to da 'zza. it was good. i know, marty is dying of a heart attack right now, but i can't say that i agree it was the absolute best pizza in the whole entire world. that's a mighty bold statement. it was fairly tasty.

however, i will make the claim that the wings were the best buffalo wings that i have ever had in my life. i know, i've yet to visit buffalo ny & go to the original home of buffalo wings, but these were mighty tasty. hot, but not scalding, pleasant tingle. the meat so juicy it fell right off the bones. the bleu cheese was chunky, but subtle & smooth.

while i wouldn't drive to chitown just for gino's pizza, i might drive there for the wings if it weren't for all those effing toll-booths along the way. & i'd fly except the airlines would take away my flask. boo. double boo. think they'd airmail me a few pounds of wings & a half gallon of bleu cheese?

Friday, August 11, 2006

a bit of the playa in the city

"beauty is not marked by how close to the bone your skin is. beauty is your heart & soul" ~ some random quote on a random blog

one day a few weeks ago jenn seemed bummed about something or other & i ran across that quote on a blog. i wrote it on a fuschia pink heart shaped stickie note, in blue ink, & posted it on her computer when she was on break.

today i had a really tough day. she leaned over her cube wall with the stickie, a blue push pin & a green, & tacked it on the wall to the left of my monitor telling me to "borrow it for a while, you need it more than i do."

thanks jenn. just a bit of black rock city from a non-burner, but exactly what i needed.

scone me baby, one more time

today was not such a great day. i won't go into the nitty gritty details, but suffice to say, i'm not doing terribly fabulous right now. & to soothe my emotions i ate. &ate. & ate. & none of it was at all good for me. tasted fabulous, but not in any way healthy. today was the end of our employee recognition week & they catered in lunch for us. sandwiches, pickles, chips, & pop. it was SO yummy! & then this morning they had sweet martha's cookies to celebrate the upcoming state fair. & then there were the treats from treat day, cookies & mini scones, oh my!

& can anyone predict how i'm feeling now? yup, miserable! one thousand brownie points to the person behind computer number seven. my tummy is all full, i have a head ache, i'm sleepy & over stuffed & i really just want to go home & go to bed. i don't want to pass go, but i would like to collect the 200 hundred bucks, i could really use it right now. & i did over eat today with full knowledge that i was doing it. i knew it when i loaded my plate with chips to go with my sandwich, when i grabbed the cookies, & the scones, & the hershey kisses, i didn't mention those before, did i? well i had those too! completely out of control day. & i know this isn't the behavior that i need to be cultivating. & to top things off i didn't get in my work out this morning either. double strike. & i've had a whole whopping two ounces of water thus far, & it's half past seven at night. that's it, three strikes, i'm out for the night. stick a fork in me 'cause i'm done.

yes, i do read my own previous blogs. & yup, every minute is another chance to change it all. so maybe this could be the minute. when i'm stuffed & feeling fat & gross & like a huge ass failure. maybe i'll pick this moment as the fulcrum on which to turn my attitudes around. not exactly the hollywood moment that would win me the acclaim of the academy & the adoration of a million fans, but i'm not in this show for that, *thinking* nope, definitely not in it for that. when i get home i'm going to take a good long look in my mirror. & then go to sleep. tomorrow i should be able to sleep in & finally get a decent amount of sleep. maybe even get something done around my house. oh, maybe i can be super-duper ambitious & get my independent study typed up so i can drop that at school on monday. that'd be super keen.

then again, a nice dark cocoon made of my comforters & snuggling up with my teddy bear sounds really tempting. no, that's not a euphemism. it's literal. me & my teddy bear pookie & about half a foot of blankets curled in the middle of my queen size bed. sounds like a great idea to me.

at any rate, i'm in need of some good vibes, so if you have extra, please send it my way.

i'd like to thank...

...all the little people who've made this all possible.

just kidding, i did want to extend a thanks to everyone who's commented recently. i've enjoyed reading your responses, especially to the weight loss tips. i guess that just proves that there isn't one magic bullet & that different things work for different people. different strokes for different folks, so to speak.

& i've found really neat ideas in each of them. i am going to ask my mom to get healthier snacks, & then to hide them from me! i used to do at least half an hour of pilates a day in addition to my other work outs & it did help me a lot with stress, & my posture! so that's something i'll be picking up too. & i used to do those in conjunction with those walk away the pounds videos, which are freakin' awesome! i'm also not so great on portion control, but i'm working on it. let's not take a look at today, er, or my upcoming day at the fair. but i did well with the robot pasta!

so it sounds unanimous that perhaps i should readjust my current goal & ticker that are saying 140lbs. i really wouldn't want to be tied to a chair & fed a cheeseburger. well....nope, really wouldn't want that.

test test, check that rainbow

just to try it on for a bit, here's what my new ticker would look like if i change my goal from 140 lbs to 175 lbs. look, i'm over a third of the way to my goal! hmmm....i do kind of like the sound of that. maybe this is a good thing.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


i was talking with a good friend of mine from the bay area, we'll call her lemonade, about this whole weight loss schtick, my upcoming wedding, & general discussions about the refusal of the poundage to drop, & she mentioned the lovely ticker at the top of my page. & one thing that she expressed was a concern over the goal weight that i have listed, currently at 140 lbs. now according to those nasty BMI charts & every doctor's office i've ever stepped foot in, my ideal weight range is 118-150. so i thought that picking 140 lbs was pretty sensible, not too high, but not super low either. but after my talk last night with lemonade, i'm thinking perhaps i was wrong.

she is similar in height & build to myself. & also an utterly gorgeous foxy mamma, i must say! & she was telling me that i would most likely look very sickly & unhealthy if i let myself actually drop that low. she knows because she used to be that thin. & i did get to thinking, & when i was at my lowest a year & a half ago, at around 230-ish, i looked pretty dang good. not super model thin or anything, but i had some kickin' curves happening & i looked pretty smokin' hot. so maybe somewhere around 175 lbs would be a more appropriate goal for me? something under 200 lbs, definitely, but not so low that i look like someone you want to tie to a chair & force feed a cheeseburger!

i won't go & change my ticker thingie just yet. i want to mull this over & think about it for a few days. i'm leaning towards changing my goal slightly, but i'm going to give myself until next wednesday, my next wednesday weekly weigh in, to see how this idea sits with me. & please feel free to weigh in on the subject. cheers!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

mechanically delicious

today, & yesterday too, my lunch consisted of a piece of buttered bread & a bowl of robot pasta with meat sauce. YUM! now my dear hunny-bunny was mocking the robot pasta, so i ask, what's wrong with a 29 year old woman enjoying a nice hot bowl of robot pasta with some prego spaghetti sauce? it's nutritious & fun too! the pasta has three different shapes of robot heads & little wrenches too. it makes meal time fun. & further more it's yummy yummy yummy in my tummy. besides, i'm a true believer in the theory that when you stop having fun & start to act like a responsible adult, that you begin to die a little bit. & really, where is the fun in that?

as far as nutrition goes, yeah, not the greatest, but i am keeping it to a 1-cup serving of pasta & approximately that much meat sauce also, & just one piece of bread. which is quite a down sizing of food compared to what i would've dished up even a few months ago. jenn did point out, rather glumly, that even though it didn't look like a lot of food to either one of us, it is still probably a lot more food than you'll find in your average smart ones or lean cuisine meal. which brings me to my main point of the day, why does diet food have to feel like you're depriving yourself. if you feel like you're missing out on something you're going to want to do it even more.

case in point: as a kid i never got to stay up until midnight on new year's eve. my parents would always have their friends over, play cards, have an appetizer buffet, & us kids could stay up until 9 or 10 pm snacking on the food & then it was off to bed right away. when i was twelve i was finally allowed to stay up until midnight & i was so disappointed by the reality of new year's eve. they just sat there, playing cards, dick clark on in the background in times square, munching on taco dip & left over christmas cookies. no big hurrah, no cheering or exciting moments, just the same thing. & then at about half past midnight their friends left & my parents went o bed. now i thought i was missing out on something totally fantabulous, the reality was rather lame, at best.

that's how it is when you deprive yourself of food. you build up in your head this wonderful taste sensation. that piece of cheesecake takes on icon status, smooth, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth delicious, the absolute best food in the whole entire world, all because you can't have it. now, if instead of saying absolutely not, you say, i'll have two bites, then it's not so bad. you have your two bites, they're good, but not terrific, & you call it a day, all without feeling guilty or deprived. now the real trick is to keep it to the two bites & really be satisfied with that. & if it turns out to be utter shite then you have to cut your losses & accept that too without beating yourself up too much for a bad choice.

lately i've been in this very destructive cycle of depriving myself of sweets/treats & then going totally over board & eating everything in sight. definitely not a good thing. & then when i binge none of it tastes good anyway. i'm left feeling over stuffed, sick to my stomach, guilty, & like the biggest failure in human kind. i'm not looking for sympathy or head patting here, i'm just trying to be honest because i know that i'm not alone in this behavior, or these feelings. & i really don't see the point in being silent anymore on this issue.

i get this feeling sometimes like a lot of people in society wish that all the fatties would just up & disappear from the world. like the rapture, except instead of the godly christians, it's all the big'uns plucked out of the world leaving only their yards of clothing behind as a sign of their existence. i do try not to be so sensitive as far as being a fat person in a thin-yet-getting-plumper-by-the-minute world. but sometimes it's hard. just because i'm large doesn't mean that i'm oblivious, or automatically thick skinned. i do feel the glances & the stares that convey: hatred-disgust-fear-loathing, all in a moments look. i've had people move away from me at a doctor's office 'cause they think that the fats-a-catchin'. or shrink up close to the wall, all the while giving me wary glances, in a full elevator, like it'll be my butt that'll cause the cable to snap.

one of my hopes is that when i do get thin that i don't forget all of this. i do believe that your past molds the person you are, & i believe that being a fat kid-teen-adult has shaped me into my present self. it's colored my views, attitudes, thoughts, actions, words, & my writing. in some ways i've shut myself off too much, being teased & abused as a kid because of my weight. i have become overly sensitive at times. but yet, i've also gained a great sense of empathy for other people. i do everything i can not to intentionally harm another person, to cause them heartache or hurt feelings. i don't want to do the permanent damage to another soul that's been done to me.

but i'm not lamenting, merely reminiscing, taking a moment to look inward before i look out again. as i've always said of myself as a writer "i am god of this universe, & i'll do what i wish with it." while that's a very narcissistic view of life, in a way i am the "god" of my own path. no one really can make me feel inferior unless i allow them to, (thanks mrs. roosevelt). & i put my own feet on my path each morning with each decision i make: oatmeal or cap'n crunch? & each second there is another chance to change it, for the better, for the worse, or to just change it.

wednesday weekly weigh in #4

a month already? sheesh! & i'm up half a pound. where's the justice? where's the results? where's the chocolate already?!

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 272 lbs
current weight: 272.5 lbs

give me some time to lick my wounds....& the chocolate off my finger tips. i'll do goals tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


sheesh, i'm so tired that i could actually curl up under my desk a la george costanza & take a nice little, er, long nap. i have no idea what's making me so bone exhausted lately. i've been taking my vitamins, which kind of scares me to think how tired i'd be if i wasn't taking those to help me out. i should probably try to get into a doctor soon to get stuff figured out. i really do want to work out & actually lose weight, but i'm not sure how i'll accomplish that if i'm so tired all the time that i just want to nap for the majority of the day? do you think i'm at that phase of working out where you're super tired, like wanting to sleep for 100 years tired, but then if you push through it you become all energized like that bunny or like the road runner meep-meep? it could happen, right? yeah, & i'll win the power ball too. ugh! i'm just so frustrated right now! at the beginning of the year i was on track. i was working out regularly with jenn, watching what i ate, losing weight, doing well. then i hurt my right achielles & was banned from working out for eight weeks & i got all upset & my resolve went down the toilet like bad sushi. i know i know i know, i shouldn't use excuses, but i am anyway. it's so hard to get all of that motivation & excitement back once you've gone so far off track. it almost feels as if those couple months when i was eating well, exercising, & losing weight are a memory from another life, or flashes from a movie that i saw. not my actual recent past.

so once again i say, quit the whining & just get to working, right? i really want to do that. i have this picture in my head of how i feel, the way that i think my body should look. right now my physical reality is far far from that mental picture, but i think i can get there, i should be able to get there. It really should be a simple thing, it shouldn't be so complicated, so tough, so mentally exhausting to just eat less & move more. it's all a matter of calories in < calories out=weight loss. hehehe, a math equation. i am a math geek, i should love this, right? right? well, theoretically i should love this.

calling all friends, blog readers, lurkers, & etc:
*what is your favorite diet tip?
*how do you regain momentum/motivation?
*who is your diet/weight loss hero?
*how do i stop my mom from filling the house with sweets?
*how do i keep myself from eating them?
*what kind of rewards do you use for yourself?
*what do you think are the most effective exercises for weight loss?

please post any suggestions. i'll read & consider all comments. thanks much for your time & help : )

Monday, August 07, 2006

a nicely worded warning:

for anyone putting "JUNK" comments on my blog i have enabled word verification. & i removed all the crap comments. if this continues to be done i'll move to comment moderation. pedal your crap some where else.

for all of you nice blog readers that have left amusing messages, thank you, i appreciate that. & please continue to do so, i enjoy hearing from all of you.

& yo marty! giving me crap about not commenting on ONE of your blogs, hmmm.... i've checked my archives & i've received no comments at all from you. to quote josh "what's the dilly?"

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

wednesday weekly weigh in # 3

so here it is. & might i say, wtf mate?

trying to find a rainbow in all of this, but it's not showing it's bloody self. so goals: let's just keep it the same, not gaining any weight & 64+ oz of water each day. or, perhaps let's put it in writing that my weight loss goal is 1 or more pounds for the next week. mayhap that will change my wretched luck with the scales?

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 272 lbs
current weight: 272 lbs

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

i nearly killed a woman for a grilled cheese & kettle chips

day 1 of south beach is done. i'm onto day two. it's no picnic, let me tell you that. just now in the refreshment center (our way cooler version of a breakroom), i was heating up my sad little handful of chicken to top my heaping bowl of lettuce & raw spinach when i spyed a woman sitting by the window with a plate from the cafeteria. she was taking her time savoring a big bite of a grilled cheese sandwich on wheat with a giganto handful of kettle chips. it took all my will power to keep from vaulting my fat tush over the counter & pulling a hamburgler on her, or in this case a grilled cheeseburgler.

now anyone who knows me knows that i'm normally not a violent woman, i'm actually somewhat of a hippy-beatnik-peacenik whatever you want to say. in any case definitely not one to attack a fellow human being for a petty reason. but one day without my carbs & i'm nearly foaming at the mouth for some starchy goodness. which is quite interesting because normally i'm not a huge bread, rice, or potato gal. sure, i like 'em ok, but if i'm going to binge on something it is more likely to be ice cream or candy, or something like that. something sweet & deliciously bad.

but last night man, jack made a pot roast for dinner with a huge pot of gravy. & i wanted nothing more than to make some mashed potatoes, spread 'em thick between two pieces of buttered bread & drench the entire thing in some savory beef gravy. . . & then dive in mouth first. yeah, not such a lady like action, but right now being top in miss manners' class is very last on my to-do list. last night i dreamt about a baked potato. & i'm only 24 hours into this whole thing.

now i've read the south beach diet book. which had some interesting information. & i've talked with friends at work who've done it too. & i've heard everything from "it's a piece of cake, easiest thing ever" all the way to "i thought those two weeks would never end." at this exact moment in time i'm leaning more toward the second statement rather than the first, but who knows what i'll feel tomorrow. maybe in another 24 hours i'll have a lot sunnier outlook. or just merely be defeated.

not that i'm trying to be pessimistic here gang, it's just that, well, i'm pretty much a hearty eater, as the saying goes. i was raised on pasta, & pancakes, & potatoes: mashed, boiled, fried, & hashbrowned, & hotdish (which means cream of ? soup+ground meat+rice OR potatoes OR pasta= yummy good dinner) & grilled cheese, & pb&j's, & cakes, & cookies, & nothing was diet or fat-free, lots of sugar & starchy goodness filled our cupboards. ok, granted, i grew up during the 80's when our president declared ketchup a vegetable & school's still thought it was great fun to have kids hurl kick balls at each others' heads. so there have been a few changes in society's norms since then. but all the afore mentioned foods are still near & dear to my heart.

ok, that last paragraph definitely didn't help in me chocking down my previously mentioned lunch.

that's it!

i'm sick of dealing with this whole eating thing!

it is a major pain in the butt. i don't want to deal with it anymore. i'm done thinking about carbs, fat grams, calories, processed vs unprocessed, vitamin & mineral content. i don't even get any pleasure out of food anymore, it's just become a tedious chore. if there was really any way for me to stop eating but still manage to live life i would definitely take advantage of it. this just isn't fun anymore.