Wednesday, August 09, 2006

mechanically delicious

today, & yesterday too, my lunch consisted of a piece of buttered bread & a bowl of robot pasta with meat sauce. YUM! now my dear hunny-bunny was mocking the robot pasta, so i ask, what's wrong with a 29 year old woman enjoying a nice hot bowl of robot pasta with some prego spaghetti sauce? it's nutritious & fun too! the pasta has three different shapes of robot heads & little wrenches too. it makes meal time fun. & further more it's yummy yummy yummy in my tummy. besides, i'm a true believer in the theory that when you stop having fun & start to act like a responsible adult, that you begin to die a little bit. & really, where is the fun in that?

as far as nutrition goes, yeah, not the greatest, but i am keeping it to a 1-cup serving of pasta & approximately that much meat sauce also, & just one piece of bread. which is quite a down sizing of food compared to what i would've dished up even a few months ago. jenn did point out, rather glumly, that even though it didn't look like a lot of food to either one of us, it is still probably a lot more food than you'll find in your average smart ones or lean cuisine meal. which brings me to my main point of the day, why does diet food have to feel like you're depriving yourself. if you feel like you're missing out on something you're going to want to do it even more.

case in point: as a kid i never got to stay up until midnight on new year's eve. my parents would always have their friends over, play cards, have an appetizer buffet, & us kids could stay up until 9 or 10 pm snacking on the food & then it was off to bed right away. when i was twelve i was finally allowed to stay up until midnight & i was so disappointed by the reality of new year's eve. they just sat there, playing cards, dick clark on in the background in times square, munching on taco dip & left over christmas cookies. no big hurrah, no cheering or exciting moments, just the same thing. & then at about half past midnight their friends left & my parents went o bed. now i thought i was missing out on something totally fantabulous, the reality was rather lame, at best.

that's how it is when you deprive yourself of food. you build up in your head this wonderful taste sensation. that piece of cheesecake takes on icon status, smooth, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth delicious, the absolute best food in the whole entire world, all because you can't have it. now, if instead of saying absolutely not, you say, i'll have two bites, then it's not so bad. you have your two bites, they're good, but not terrific, & you call it a day, all without feeling guilty or deprived. now the real trick is to keep it to the two bites & really be satisfied with that. & if it turns out to be utter shite then you have to cut your losses & accept that too without beating yourself up too much for a bad choice.

lately i've been in this very destructive cycle of depriving myself of sweets/treats & then going totally over board & eating everything in sight. definitely not a good thing. & then when i binge none of it tastes good anyway. i'm left feeling over stuffed, sick to my stomach, guilty, & like the biggest failure in human kind. i'm not looking for sympathy or head patting here, i'm just trying to be honest because i know that i'm not alone in this behavior, or these feelings. & i really don't see the point in being silent anymore on this issue.

i get this feeling sometimes like a lot of people in society wish that all the fatties would just up & disappear from the world. like the rapture, except instead of the godly christians, it's all the big'uns plucked out of the world leaving only their yards of clothing behind as a sign of their existence. i do try not to be so sensitive as far as being a fat person in a thin-yet-getting-plumper-by-the-minute world. but sometimes it's hard. just because i'm large doesn't mean that i'm oblivious, or automatically thick skinned. i do feel the glances & the stares that convey: hatred-disgust-fear-loathing, all in a moments look. i've had people move away from me at a doctor's office 'cause they think that the fats-a-catchin'. or shrink up close to the wall, all the while giving me wary glances, in a full elevator, like it'll be my butt that'll cause the cable to snap.

one of my hopes is that when i do get thin that i don't forget all of this. i do believe that your past molds the person you are, & i believe that being a fat kid-teen-adult has shaped me into my present self. it's colored my views, attitudes, thoughts, actions, words, & my writing. in some ways i've shut myself off too much, being teased & abused as a kid because of my weight. i have become overly sensitive at times. but yet, i've also gained a great sense of empathy for other people. i do everything i can not to intentionally harm another person, to cause them heartache or hurt feelings. i don't want to do the permanent damage to another soul that's been done to me.

but i'm not lamenting, merely reminiscing, taking a moment to look inward before i look out again. as i've always said of myself as a writer "i am god of this universe, & i'll do what i wish with it." while that's a very narcissistic view of life, in a way i am the "god" of my own path. no one really can make me feel inferior unless i allow them to, (thanks mrs. roosevelt). & i put my own feet on my path each morning with each decision i make: oatmeal or cap'n crunch? & each second there is another chance to change it, for the better, for the worse, or to just change it.

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