Thursday, September 28, 2006

please help us!

QUICK! while she's distracted! these are beckah's abs talking, & we need some serious help. right now she's staring at the wall dreaming of chocolate, so we've got a good ten minutes, maybe twenty if a call doesn't come in & bring her attention back to her computer.

so here's the deal. she's torturing us, call geneva, rally the convention. on tuesday she made us do that damn winsor pilates 20 minute dvd! which hurt like a mother, but she's been doing those off & on...more off than on, for the past year, so we expected one day of pain & we'd be home free for a few weeks to a month or more.

oh no, not the case at all! yesterday she got medieval on our abs & did a crunch video! pick your spot pilates! well, we have a spot we'd like to tell her about where she can store that dvd! it was killing us, we were all whimpering & shivering in pain & exhaustion, but figured, ok, it's a fluke.

it's not a fluke. the cruella da vile did yet another stinkin crunch dvd today, burn & firm pilates. we're starting to really hate that ellen chick that leads these events of torture. & to make it worse beckah kept mumbling "it's only 30 minutes, just half an hour." & the stinkin workout was actually forty-freakin-five minutes. she's a sadist, we're telling you, she's sick.

someone please rescue us. we're happy under our layer of warm, jiggly fat. we don't wanna lose our comfy home. please wave a candy bar in front of her, give her some tv series on dvd or something, anything to keep her away from the pilates dvds & the evil evil torture that comes from them!

eek, she's coming around! help us any-one, you're our only hope!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

weekly wednesday weigh in #11

no loss, no gain. eh. i guess even isn't so bad.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 273.5 lbs
this week's weight: 273.5 lbs

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

a blog divided

one week from tomorrow i'm going to be venturing over to hcmc (hennepin county medical center) to attend an information session on bariatric surgery. i'm not committing, at this time, to do a surgery to assist me in losing weight, but i will say that i'm very much tempted.

part of my decision to seek more information is due to josh's success with his surgery. i'm not necessarily a follower. i had originally, back when i was over 300 lbs, asked my doctor at the time to tell me more about weight loss surgery. she basically yelled at me, told me i wasn't big enough or sick enough, & to never ask about it again. um, yeah, at that point i had to lose half of my body weight, not big enough my ass! but, once again, no use crying over consumed milk shakes.

i know that i'm kinda maybe losing some weight on my own, but i had been down to 229 lbs on my own back in 2005 & i ballooned up another FIFTY pounds! EEEK! double EEEK EEEK! i know there were some other reasons behind my weight gain of last year, but it does get harder with age to continue this battle. & to be honest gang, the fight has nearly gone out of me. it's so disheartening to go to the gym, day after day, sweat until there's nothing coming out of my pores but salt, eat "good" food, stay away from the bad, & see absolutely no progress out of the deal. i'm not going to claim that i've been a saint or the perfect picture of health, but i'm trying goddammit & it's not freakin working! & i've been good more than i've been bad.

& i hate myself for being weak.

& i hate myself for being able to get so fucking fat.

& i hate myself because i can't seem to change.

& i hate myself for stopping my exercise program last year.

& i hate myself for feeling all of of this.

& it's time to stop hating myself.

Friday, September 22, 2006

is jello mocking fat people?

so i was watching the biggest loser yesterday on tape, since i have to work 'til 8pm my dearest set my vcr to record the season premier for me on wednesday. yes yes, one day we WILL join the 21st century & get tivo or the like, for now, while residing with my 'rents, the video cassette recorder will just have to do. anyway, i'm watching the biggest loser, & i come to a realization, it's being sponsored by jello (you must check this website, roll your mouse a bit over the sections, disturbing, no?) the $250,000 grand prize for the fatty whose dropped the most weight is offered by jello! now let's ponder this for a moment.

i realized that somehow this seems very very wrong. now being a fatty myself, & i'm sure that most of you out there on the net can agree with this, many fat people jiggle when they move. fat is by no means as stoic as muscle, it tends to wiggle wobble & flop all over the place. anyone remember the simpsons episode where dr. hibbert set homer's fat to jiggling? yeah, not a pretty sight, but there's sometimes truth in cartoons. arms, bellies, thighs, butts all kind of roll & move on their own accord in an odd relationship with gravity.

now think about jello. think about jello on a plate, maybe at a pot luck or family reunion? it trembles, wobbles, wiggles all over the place. much like a fat physique when put in motion. so it seems very wrong that a food, which the "regular version" is mostly sugar, is sponsoring a competition to lose weight. why doesn't budweiser just sponsor aa meetings too? isn't there a certain sence of irony in all of this?

well the lightbulb was glowing quite brightly above my noggin, i paused the tv, shouted over to jack in his room saying "i think it's wrong that jello is sponsoring the biggest loser!" he asked my reasoning & i explained, & then asked him "haven't you ever seen me run?" to which he replied, "yeah, & it's pretty funny to watch."


yes, the boy is still alive. lucky for him he was out of my reach & i didn't feel like jumping over my dog & leaping hands first at his neck. i love him dearly, but sometimes jack has all the tact of a twenty pound sledge hammer to the base of the skull. guess that's what happens when you go for a younger guy, eh?

for anyone who hasn't watched the show, the premise is that nbc brings 14 very obese people to a ranch in california to learn how to exercise, eat healthy, & lose weight. they're divided into two teams, the red & the blue, each led by a personal trainer, (bob harper & kim lyons). at the end of each week on the ranch they have a weigh in, & the team with the least percentage of weight lost goes to elimination & then has to vote off one member of their team. like survivor but for fat people. now the whole point of the contestants being there is to become firmer, leaner, & less resembling of the famed gelatin, which is why it seems so very wrong for jello to be the biggest sponsor of this show.

as long as i'm harping on biggest loser, i'd like to add two other things. #1 is i signed up for their mailing list because i'm too damn cheap to pay to be in their club, & at least once a day i get emails advertising diet pills, surgery, weight loss shakes, & all other sorts of things that are the very antithesis of what the show itself is promoting. which happens to be losing weight through the oh so magically simple equation of calories in/calories out, meaning burn more than you consume. {{didja note the sarcasm there, huh huh huh?}}

& 2# is that while the show is inspirational in that these people lose a bunch of weight, become health nuts & really improve their quality of life, that it is unrealistic for a person in the real world to routinely lose 8-20+ lbs per week, unless they've undergone bariatric surgery. if i went in to my doctor' office saying that i'd been losing 5 lbs a week for a month they'd put me in the hospital to find out what's wrong 'cause that just ain't healthy. it's also an unattainable standard for those of us living in the real world, having to work five days a week, battle rush hour traffic & deal with family. where would we find the 4+ hours a day to work out? & would we really be able to sustain that over time? me thinks not.

overall, i do like the show. i get sucked into rooting for my favorites & hoping that they do well. i've thought about auditioning for the show in the past. ok, i actually did audition back in december 2004 in minneapolis at the rock bottom brewery. but i never got a call back. guess i wasn't charming enough or something. but it was insane how many people were there, hundreds & hundreds, we were interviewed in groups of ten, we each got basically one minute to pitch our case, & that was after standing in line for a few hours. personally, i think i would've been fabulous on the show. i'm a dynamic person, with a great smile, & believe it or not, very little shame when it comes to shaking it on national tv in a sports bra & biker shorts. hell, i'd strip as much clothing off my body to make me as streamlined & light as i could for the scale. at home i weight myself bare ass nekkid, & that's only 'cause i'm blind as a bat without my glasses.

if i planned on being fat & needing the show i'd audition again, but i can't be fat anymore. i just, i can't, i'm at the end of my rope. *sighs* more about that in another blog.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

just a hippie in the corporate world

now i love my job. don't get me wrong. i'm great at problem solving, i love doing detective work & figuring out where the issue is, & that's a lot of my job. i like helping people out, knowing that by what i've done at the end of my eight hours, or even at the end of that one phone call, i've helped make things a bit better for someone else. of course, it's not always that great, & sometimes i have to tell people things that they really don't want to hear, but that's ok too because, well, sometimes the truth is a mother fucker & we all just have to deal with that, do what we can, & get over it.

but i just realized, while perusing the burning man website, that in a way it is so seriously twisted that i'm working in a corporate office, in a cubicle, monday through friday, every day, with a fifty mile round trip commute. it's absurd. i mean, seriously guys, in a way i feel like i'm living a double life.

at work i'm good at my job. i know the insurance policies, i understand how the claims are processed, the rules & the regulations, & if i don't know something i know who to go to for help. but there's just some days where i'm doing all of this that there's this part of me just screaming out to run, far far far away.

i'm having de-blog vu, i feel like i've blogged this before, my discontent with the current path that my life is taking. & don't get me wrong, i love my sweetie, i'm looking forward to getting married & in a few years having our little demon spawn running around, but i kind of want to do it more on my own terms instead of this uber traditional path that my life seems to be taking.

i mean, i love the health insurance, steady pay check, & all that jazz. but at what point is all of that going to be enough? i'm starting to believe that the world is divided between the people that are meant to take a traditional road, & those of us meant for another less traveled adventure. and the further i go down this expected road of the monday through friday life, the harder it is for me to see across the field to the road where my heart is saying that i'm supposed to be.

don't worry, i won't do anything insanely stupid like quitting my job & running off to europe to find myself. somehow i don't think that i'm there anyway. but all of this musing & typing & mulling has brought me to the conclusion that instead of just being content with the status quo, or sitting at a computer bitching about it, that it's time to really actually do something about this whole life game.

i've gotten so far away from that hippie chick that in a way i'm afraid of her. ever since i can remember i've said i want to be a writer, i've known so far deep inside of me that's what i'm destined for, that nothing else has ever seemed like an ok alternative, & here i am, doing something else. not fully utilizing my writing gifts. a blog here & there is not pushing myself to the pinnacle of my talent, it's keeping me from regressing, but it's not as much as i should be doing.

here's the thing that isn't well known about writing. it takes daily work & commitment to keep those skills sharp & to really be the absolute best that you're capable of. in a way it's just like music, or sports, or any other skill set. if you don't dedicate yourself to put in the practice time, the hours every day, you start to lose your skills. maybe only a bit at first, but more & more as time goes by & before you know it it's hard to see where you were before.

right now i'm terrified of that writer that's inside me. i've neglected her way too long. i've been writing here & there in small bursts, but nothing like the every day hours that not only do i know that i need to do, but i want to do. i want to be able to truly feel like when i say i'm a write that it's the god's honest truth, not just something that i want to be true. what i really need to do is fuse together the self that i let people see every day & that writer that i keep locked inside of myself. because if i don't do something to bring her out into the light i am really afraid that i will lose her, & then i honestly don't know where i would go from there.

the thing is, all those years, while i was in junior high, high school, under grad, all the while i kept getting asked what i would do when i grew up. & i always replied that i never wanted to grow up. & that i was going to be a writer. & some how i've gotten the message that making your way of life through the arts is not viable, it's not something that is OK with polite society. & i do care about what people thing. much much more than i really should. but i've also come to the realization that it's just not worth it. so fuck polite society. i'm going after what i really want out of my life.

a tisket a tasket, a candle filled basket

at work we've been having events all of last week & this week, an employee giving campaign to benefit some local charities. we've had a walk-a-thon, candy gram sales, loose change donation, clothing drive, smoothie bar, & the most recent one was a silent auction, named k-bay. no, i have no idea what the "k" stands for, but my guess is that i really should know.

the items were donated by individuals in the company, or businesses in the area, we then had a link on our intranet site so that we could go & bid on the items. the bidding ended yesterday & ta-da, i won my bid on this candle basket! i'm uber happy, it has a big ceramic jar candle, three filled square glass candles, a lantern, & 9 dozen party lite tealight candles! & i got it for the bargain price of $53, which was a decent amount under the value of all the items combined. & yeah, a bit extravagant, but i /heart candles, as you all know, often prompting my father to yell "watch those goddamn candles or one day we're all gonna wake up part of the ashes." & besides, the lantern candle is simply adorable & it'll look really nice at my wedding reception on one of the tables. & then later in my house just because it's that uber cool looking. each of the nine dozen tealights are also a different scent, so the aroma is heavenly here at my desk right now.

mmmmm....makes me want to go home, burn some cedar & meditate. you know what? i really think that's what i'm missing right now. some bonefide beckah time, spent meditating, relaxing, taking care of my mind & my body. burning cedar incense is very cleansing for me, very much a spiritual experience. i think it goes back to memories of a time before my birth. i very much believe in reincarnation, that you carry the souls of your ancestors with you, in a collective memory. i'm also very much starting to believe that time is more circular than linear.

all this talk of candles, incense, & fire takes me back to labor day weekend. it was the weekend of the burn. for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, it's burning man, check it out, wickedly cool. & i was bummed. i didn't get to the burn last year due to money, i had even bought my tickets & everything. then this year finances were bad enough i didn't even contemplate the burn at all. but saturday september 2nd, i sat out by the fire pit in my back yard, made a fire, got drunk, looked at the stars, the fire, breathed in the smoke. & thought, a lot. about life, the universe, & everything. the meaning, or lack there of. & came to a conclusion.

weight loss, & in a way, life in general, is a lot like a burning fire. at some points the fire goes out, or so you think, there's ash there, black & smoky as if it's all done, but if you stir it up just right, embers splash out of that darkness, the fire roars again, & suddenly there's light once again where before it was just pitch. the main thing is to keep in mind that even though you can't see the flames, that doesn't mean that they aren't there, lingering beneath the residue of events past just waiting to be stoked & freed to once again fuel a new blaze.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

tick, tick, slide that ticker girl!

when i started those weekly weigh ins all the way back in july my starting weight for that first one was 272 lbs. now, ten weeks later, i'm one & a half pounds more than that, but i've had quite a roller coaster ride of ups & downs in between. it makes me happy that i'm moving in the right direction & i'm really going to work hard in the next week so that i can at least stay the same or possibly get down into the 272 range.

i know it sounds so kindergarten, but i love having my calendar hanging above my tv at home & putting my stickers on there each night as i keep track of my exercise & water consumed. i love peeling off those little lisa frank stickers & affixing them to the pastel page, writing in the number of steps i've walked. it felt so awesome writing in my weight this morning & seeing that it was less than my weight from last week. it also serves as a really great visual reminder of how well, or how not so well, i've been doing as of late.

even though i'm happy at this exact moment about the nice number that showed up on the scale this morning, i'm still kind of mad at myself that i've wasted most of 2006. when the year turned & i was still doing my training over at bren road i was doing so well with working out, jenn & i would spend a couple hours at the gym, i was gradually losing weight, building up my stamina, & feeling so great. then i hurt my achilles, was restricted from working out for eight weeks, & then it just all kind of went to hell in a hand basket front here.

yeah, no crying over consumed milk shakes, i get it. but i still can't help but give a small sigh & wish that i would've done better for myself in the mean time. then again, it also falls under that cliche of those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it. so i just need to summon up the triggers that led me to failing on this whole thing in the past so that i can do my best to avoid them in the future.

keeping this blog does help, & yet, it's a very strange creature too. i've been very honest in revealing my weight here, some of my deepest ponderings & emotions. & i know some of the people who are reading my tales. i've had friends comment & i can name some of the people who are reading because i know them. & then, there's probably total strangers reading this. people who i've never met, & will probably never met, reading all of this very personal things about my life. & then there's the whole issue that i put all of this in writing, out on the internet, for anyone to read, & yet, most of these things are things that i wouldn't say in public. i'd never go up to most of my friends & boldly declare that i weigh this much. i wouldn't admit that i've been this unhappy about so many things. it's kind of like keeping a diary that everyone has a key to.

i'm not saying that any of this bothers me. or that i'm thinking about changing how i write in my blogs. because i'm not planning to do either one of those. i do plan on continuing on, just as i have been. & hoping that i gain a few more readers. a bit more internet infamy. & who knows, my loyal readers & friends, i just may bring some of you into all of that. scott has told jenn that she's blog famous. i really do have other friends, it's just most of them don't offer such fertile blog material. so the question goes out, how often do you need to be mentioned before you're blog famous?

weekly wednesday weigh in #10

yippee! finally a move in the right direction! that definitely makes me very happy. it's small progress, but still a bit of progress. isn't it funny how that can make me so much more motivated to see the little tickers moving to the right instead of to the left? so another week is on my horizon. i did about 45 minutes of workout today, so i'd like to get in another 45 if possible. i'm counting my steps, & keeping track of all of this on my desk calendar at home. best of all i get to put a big sticker on my calendar today since i had a loss from last week to this week! wa-hoo!

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 278.4 lbs
this week's weight: 273.5 lbs

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

control issues

anyone that knows me at all knows that i have control issues, always have, most likely, always will. part of that is just my personality. part of that is being the oldest child. & i seriously think part of it comes from my ocd tendencies & my compulsion to over worry about every thing.

so knowing all of that you'd think this whole weight loss schtick would be a natural for me. it's the perfect hobby for a compulsive control freak. because if you think about it, it's the ultimate control. i've often read stories about anorexics who started not eating because they felt like their life was completely out of control & so to negate that they started limiting their food & controlling what they ate & the weight that they lost.

now for some reason, the exact opposite is true in my case. when i start to feel like i can't control anything in my life it winds up being even harder for me to limit my food & try to lose weight. in my head the rationale goes something like this: "i can't control anything else that's going on, but if i want a cheeseburger & fries then dammnit i'm going to get my mother effing cheeseburger & fries! & let's add a strawberry shake in there for good measure." it's almost like my response is taking control of what i eat & then stuffing as much tasty bad stuff into my body as humanly possible.

yes, i know that's not a good way to do things. but then again, that's one of the things that makes the human race so great, that every single person reacts SO differently to different stimulis. i will say that i've been doing fairly well since friday, even with my little meltdown & my mom's negativity. & like the wise jessica has stated recently, it's all about the choices. sometimes substitution is a heck of a lot better than out & out denial. i'm also trying to just really enjoy & savor things instead of inhaling them like it's my last day on earth & i need just one more piece of chocolate to survive.

in addition, i'm taking control again of my activity level. i dragged jenn out of her apartment today to work out with me, she was cursing me & giving me the evil eye for a while, but at the end she thanked me for making her come along with me. & of course, i'm thankful that she lets me drag her out of her apartment at the crack of dawn so that i have motivation to go to the gym because someone else is depending on me to be there for them.

my body really is a slow moving machine lately. i ache. i creak. i feel at least double my age. but then again, i've also really abused it lately & not taken care. just like a car when you run 12,000 miles without an oil change, your body acts up if you're not doing proper maintence. so water & i have made up & i'm nearly done with my 64 oz for the day. i'm trying to end the battle with carrots & other vegetables. it's a long & tumultuous history filled with much strife, but headway is definitely being made on that front.

& best of all, the scale may be being nice to me again. yes yes, i know it's not all about the number that flashes me from the led read out, but it can affect my mood & my general attitude towards this whole thing, i'm not going to even pretend that it doesn't matter in the least. so, today after my workout i checked the locker room scale, & if it's to be believed, i have lost a bit of weight since last week. tomorrow is official weigh in day, so i'll wait to post the numbers, but oh, i hope it's right i hope it's right.

all in all, i think it's time that i take an aa approach to all of this & so "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, change the things i can, & the wisdom to know the difference." i know, not exact, but close enough. & my weight is something that can be changed. & of course my fitness, overall health & well being.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

yeah, so that didn't last long

i'll write more later. but i'm so upset right now. i tried on my dress last night, & i was so excited & hopeful & my mom just sat there looking at me with this scowl on my face like i was the most worthless piece of trash on planet earth. the entire time we were there she didn't smile once. not once did she say "oh, honey, you look beautiful. you look just like a princess." all she came up with was, "yeah, it's different. i guess bold is a good word to describe it."

last year she gushed when i tried on white wedding gowns.

this one, the gown of MY dreams, she shunned.

i cried myself to sleep last night.

Friday, September 15, 2006

happy happy joy joy

EEK! ok, i'm beside myself. here a beckah there a beckah everywhere a beckah beckah.

just got a call from the bridal shop & my wedding dress is in! i ordered it all the way back in april & they said it would most likely take a solid six months for it to get it. luckily it's here a whole month early! it's really great news because i'm so neurotic that i would've been panicking if i wouldn't've had it by the end of this year even though the wedding isn't until next july. the only bummer part of it is that when i ordered it my measurements were between three sizes, & being a vain person (my chinese zodiac sign IS the snake after all) i ordered the smallest of the three. so i'm nervous that it may be pretty snug right now.

the good thing in all of it is that i do still have quite a while before my wedding, a whole eight months plus some change! so i guess i'm not too worried, but definitely time to put this fanny in gear! i got a pedometer at work today. they were doing something for charity & they had pedometer's that you could get for a $5 donation. so i picked up one. it's neat, it had a clock, you put in your stride length so it accurately measures the miles walked & you can also have it play music when you're using it, & the faster you walk/run, the faster the music goes. super cool. & i also set up a diary on to help me keep track of what i'm eating. the site is nice because if you have the nutrition info on your food you can enter it in & create your custom list so that you aren't guessing at the information. i will say, the bad thing about fitday is that they don't have a lot of activity choices, so that's a bummer. but i'm using it mostly for the food diary portion.

today i'm actually working the early shift at work, 7am-3:30pm instead of my usual 11:30am-8pm, so i'll be going grocery shopping tonight with my mom & then heading over to the bridal shop to see my dress! i will try it on of course. now it's all kind of seeming real, for the first time.

now, my lovely readers, i'm sure that some of you are wondering what my dress looks like. & i would love to give you a link, or put a picture up, but i'm trying to keep it secret from my beloved. what i can tell you is it's a strapless ball gown with a sweetheart neckline with crystals, it is NOT white, ivory, or any kind of pastel. it is a bold dress to match my personality. it will also look smashing with my pale skin & my dark reddish brown hair. i will be one smokin' hot sexy vixen of a bride. jack & i will make quite a couple that day, his tux is a zoot suit. & yes, he will be wearing a fedora, the long gold chain, & two tone shoes. his groomsmen will also be wearing the zoot suits, & my girls will be in spaghetti strap black tea length dresses, the specific style as of yet to be determined.

i'm so excited & nervous & just ready to quite literally bounce off the walls of my cube. & i think that jenn may be ready to smack me. she's been in the office for about twenty minutes & already she gave me that look that tells me that i'm being way too excited about this & could i please just settle?

so, prayers, good thoughts, & all of that would be most appreciated right now as i once again try to do this wicked tough journey we call weight loss.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

words of wisdom

"you don't have to run the fastest, just faster than whoever you're with"

that was what jenn said to me this morning when we pulled into the parking lot at work. she then smirked. yes gang, she smirked. now, not being one to back down from a verbal sparring, i responded that my goal was to then be able to run faster than her. so there.

to be fair, this wasn't out of the blue, it was prompted by the fact that i established a new parking spot for us. at the exact other end of the parking lot from the door to the building, right in front of the security box. yeah, then again, if someone's about to attack me & my choices are a) hit the button for security or b) get in my car & run his punk ass over, hmmm, let me think on it, this is a tough one. . . .yeah, i'd pick b & totally turn the attacker into road tar-tar.

yes yes, i understand the skepticism, i've claimed motivation & dedication several time since starting this blog in may! here's the thing. i really think losing weight & keeping it off is the hardest thing i've ever done, or will ever do, in my entire life. i have friends who are smokers & say that losing weight is tougher than quitting smoking. i myself struggled with alcoholism, & this is worse than that. i know someone who used to be a heroin addict, & he claims that it was easier to give up heroin than to lose weight. this all goes back to the issue of with booze & dope you don't actually need those to live.

let me tell you, pre surgery josh lost 20 lbs on the liquid diet his surgeon prescribed. basically it was like slim fast, except instead of a sensible dinner he had another shake. or a yogurt smoothie. basically it was an all liquid diet. lots of water, nothing actually chewable. after seeing those results i have to admit that it's tempting to try the all liquid diet just to see how it would work for me. then again, now that he's post-op josh is on a diet that consists of one to two bites at a time. if i was only eating two bites of cottage cheese per meal you can bet your sweet biscuits that my ass would be rapidly shrinking.

which brings up the issue of will power. i stumbled across a blog called almost gastric bypass. the basic story is that this guy got ahold of a copy of the prescribed diet for gastric bypass patients & followed it exactly to the letter. that along with exercise & he's lost a massive amount of weight, about 130 lbs in a year. yeah, phenomenal. if you link the blog he has kind of fallen off the wagon, & regained some weight, but he's trying again to follow the diet & re-lose the 30 lbs & some more weight on top of that. now, i have to say, major kudos to this guy, that's a freakin hard thing to do, follow that diet on sheer will power alone. i know that gastric bypass patients can have very serious problems if they don't follow their doctor's post op orders, things all the way up to death can be the result. so at least they have that additional push to stick to their diet. this guy i just going on his own inner strength.

i've heard people say that fat people have no will power at all & they're fat because they're weak. i would like to say, oh contraire mon frere, fat people have lots of will power & inner strength. anyone who keeps trying to diet, again & again, even after they fail time & again, man, that's someone with fortitude, with moxie, with hutzpuh! now of course i don't want to remain chunky for the rest of my life, but it isn't all about will power, or lack there of. there's more psychology to all of it, at least in my case. it's almost like being fat is a lechorous cancer that has bored it's way into every part of my life & who i am. i feel like the fat is separate than me, kind of like a life sucking leech that's attached itself to me, with long tentacles that have wound themselves into my body & around every tendon, bone, ligament, weaving through my ribs & burrowing their way into my heart, climbing my spinal column vertebra by vertebra & slithering into the core of my brain, wrapping it in in thick dripping cords of fat. & it feels almost like there's nothing that can be done. literally like when a doctor finds that tumor, but finds it too late.

but then again. when i was in fifth grade, so i was probably ten years old, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. my mother came into my sister & i's room where we were tucked into our four poster full size bed. she knelt down & said in a very calm, low voice, that grandpa was sick, the doctor told him that he had cancer & didn't have very long to live. she then grasped our hands tight, one of mine & one of my sister's, & said that we should say an extra strong prayer that night and ask jesus to help grandpa. though she didn't articulate it, even at ten i knew that if his only chance was our prayers, it meant the cancer was bad. & it was bad. the oncologist basically told him to go home & die, that modern medicine had nothing to offer to a grown-up boy from rural nebraska, former farmer, father of eight, grandfather of seven.

he didn't go home & give-up. my grandpa lived another ten years past those six months the doctor gave him. he investigated homeopathic remedies, my grandmother took up massage therapy & every night worked on his feet. he walked & took shark cartalidge supplements. he was there to see me win a math award & get my name on a plaque at murray junior high, to see the birth of the rest of his grand children, for my high school graduation & acceptance into hamline, to see all of us grow-up just a little bit more. & in the end, it was only the last six months that were really bad, but he was able to fight off his parasite for a while, to claim the life that he wanted to live. he had a good last ten years. & i think there's a lesson in there for me.

one day, a good four or five years pre-cancer diagnosis, my grandpa & i were walking along, i was holding his hand, & i stopped to pick up a penny. he asked me why i would bother to stop & pick up a penny, it wasn't much money at all. to which i replied, "pennies add up to nickels, & that adds up to dimes, & that adds up to quarters, & you wouldn't throw away a quarter, would you grandpa?" & in so much as every little bit helps, whether it's one more penny in my bank account or one more ounce gone from my body, it really is the baby steps that make the biggest change. i mean, what else did we learn from bob? & seriously, what about bob?

weekly wednesday weigh in #9

ugh. this whole thing is going in the entirely wrong direction.

on the upside, jenn is forcing me to work out with her, yippee!

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 274.5
this week's weight: 278.4

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

the stairway to heaven

i mentally stated this blog early early morning on monday, september 11th. the only reason i didn't physically start the blog is because it was already 4am & i had to be awake & ready for a long day full of sitting in a hospital waiting room & going to a wake for a cousin i never met by 9am at the absolute latest.

this past sunday, september 10th, i was scheduled to have my sleep study to see if i do indeed have sleep apnea. now, talking about the cosmos not wanting to have something happen. i got a call from rachel at the sleep center while waiting for josh at applebee's. she said a staff person called in, they couldn't find a replacement, & since i was on his patient list they'd have to reschedule my appointment. now i was supposed to originally have this done back in july, so i wasn't too happy about this, but i also believe strongly in the "don't shoot the messenger" motto. so i told rachel that i understood but that i was really bummed & i had to take work off & everything. so she told me sometimes people don't show up, & if that happened she'd call me back & get me in right away.

at 8:32pm, two minutes after the arrival deadline, she gave me a call & said that she was going to call me with great news because two people didn't show up, however, they had another staff call in sick, so that unfortunately she would have to reschedule my appointment after all, D'OH! so my sleep study is pushed back another two weeks to sunday september 24 & i had to put in for another day off of work. blech. but, here's hoping that in two weeks i'll have an answer to my exhaustion issues. but seriously, how is that for something in the universe not wanting me to have my sleep study done that night?

since i was no longer required to resemble a science experiment for the evening i wound up going out with josh & jack for a late night movie. we saw the devil wears prada. awesome movie. first off, it is not a chick flick, at all. mini-sidenote: just because the main character is female does not a chick flick make. this movie was funny, sweet, insightful, & all in all a great pre-surgery movie to see.

now that it's all basically said & done i can say that i was very nervous for josh concerning his surgery. i'm so happy for him that he made this decision that will change his life in a really positive way, but i was also so scared that something would happen. i tend to be that person, the one that over worries about everything so that no one else really needs to worry about anything. i did feel better getting to go hang with him at a movie for a couple of hours the night before the surgery.

josh & jack & i were hanging out in the theater parking lot just talking for a while after the movie was over & led zepplin's stairway to heaven came on the radio. if you've never heard that song i need you to stop reading immediately, go to your local music store & buy led zepplin iv & listen carefully to the whole cd. now. run. there is no waiting. there is no down loading. josh took it as a great sign that things would go fabulously with his surgery, that this was his turning point in his life & that it would all be ok. he then paused & said, "hope it's not an omen that it won't be literally a stairway to heaven." lots of pre-op humor abounded this past weekend.

what's it all mean? that, i don't know. i do know that on my way home monday morning i heard the tim mcgraw song live like you were dyin' which made me think, & cry, of course, 'cause i cry a bit lately. i really wish i had more energy so that i could do more of the things that i want to do, that i love to do. well, i also wish i would win the powerball so that i had the money to do all the things that i really want to do.

all that aside, josh went through surgery very well, his sense of humor is still in tact & he's in a great mood. so kudos & grats on your new life dude!

Friday, September 08, 2006

wednesday weekly weigh-in #8

i weighed myself on the scale in the locker room at the gym at work, so it may not be super accurate, but here it goes:

starting weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 279 lbs
this week's weight: 274.5

i tell ya gang, i'm starting to think that i should have my target weight at something a whole lot closer so that i'm not so dismally upset all the time. let's see, 10% of my current weight would be 27lbs, which would be down to 247, approximately. maybe i should take this ten percent at a time. okey-dokey, new smaller goal tracker gang:

attack of the creeping pile of junk

for all of you who know, & kinda love, my family, this will come as no surprise, but for the rest of you: my family is a bunch of packrats. now i'm not talking packrats as in we collect bobble heads or elvis plates or precious moments figurines. but full blown packrats in that we cannot ever get rid of anything.

case in point: we have empty boxes from coffee makers, fans, computers, blenders, just because one day, far far far in the future, we may move, & we'll want to have that original box for that day. now i will admit, that once in a while this has come in handy, but usually it's just a major pain in the ass.

we have plywood, half a dozen office chairs, old school work, old school books, you name it & we have it. normally i can work around the clutter, sometimes even work with it, but lately it's become like this thing out of the depths of clutter hell that has been haunting my every day. i feel like i can't think anymore, that the stuff around me has begun taking over my space, my life, my thoughts.

all i really want is a desk with a lamp & some cute decorations, maybe a radio too, so that i can sit down & work on my thesis, finish my masters. today my mom asked me how close i was to finishing it, my answer was that i'm closer to failing it than to finishing it. which, may be, a bit of an exaggeration, but it's the way that i'm feeling right now.

ok, so i'm sure lots of you are laughing right now, because i've always been the one with lots of stuff. i go somewhere & i take a back pack, my lap top, my purse & assorted other sundries depending on the place & how long i'll be there. in a way it's a very bad habit i've collected from childhood. just like the one where i eat when i'm upset. let's go get some icecream & someone else's crap from a garage sale & everything will be keen. except it's not, not really. the stuff invades your house. it clutters your physical space, your emotional space, it clutters your psyche.

so i'm trying to get rid of stuff. it's hard. & i'll admit that right away. i'm a packrat, but i'm trying to change. it's hard though, much harder than giving up the booze, man. ok, now i'm not trying to be flippant there, & i don't need hate comments from aa-ers telling me the difficulties of staying sober. i was very addicted to booze a few years back, pulled myself out of a bottle, dried out, & got on with my life. i still imbibe now & again, but not to the point i was at before when i was living in a bottle of seagram's 7.

i know one answer is to get a huge dumpster & just heave it all in with a broad swing & a mighty grunt. but that's not so easy when all of my collected junk from over the years is intertwined with other people's collected junk from over the years, & then even in what's supposed to be my space there are bits of other people's collected crap interspersed. it's like trying to untangle a big knot, & you don't know where it starts, or where it ends, & you're only option is to randomly cut something blindly because you can't even begin to figure out how it relates to anything else.

& i've been bitching for months now, even years, that i need to get things cleaned, straightened, that i need to get it all in order so that i can think, that i can produce. & so far, nothing's happened. granted, i accept my fair share of the blame on that one. too many times i've been tired or unmotivated to take care of things. or i've seen something cute & adorable & way too irresistible to pass by without buying & bringing home to claim as my own.

what we've got here, is a failure to communicate. yup, that's what it is. i just need to get my free wheeling spendy side talking to my rational neat-freak side so they can come to some kind of argreement on things & get a home situation that will be somewhat palatable to all of the voices involved.

***btw, what's the quote in this blog & where's it from???

Thursday, September 07, 2006

blame it on the napkin

talk about subtle advertising! i'm sitting at my desk in my cube on the fifth floor with my glorious view of the sun setting & carlson towers when i realize i'm hungry. i'm dang hungry. i'm so hungry i could, eat my napkin! & that's when i realize i'm being affected by very well placed subliminal advertising by my favorite coffee shop, caribou.

i happen to have a small stash of their square white napkins here at my desk, little souvenirs from my last large chai tea latte, so i had one sitting next to my keyboard, a remnant of something or other, & the whole time it's been staring at me. talking to me. sub-liminaling me, or maybe even liminaling me! & the napkin is saying to me under the banner of "espresso truths," "you look hungry." & then if that weren't enough, it follows up on the bottom right, next to the gleefully leaping caribou "Why not have a cookie?"

it's a conspiracy i tell ya, my napkin is trying to make me fat! telling me to get a cookie, that i'm really hungry & my fat self oughta be chompin on something right this minute.

ok, so it's not really the napkin's fault, or my beloved caribou's, they're both just trying to be cheeky, which of course i love! but i am hungry. & the drinkable chicken & stars with a few sad little saltines are not helping. &, for the record, water does NOT effin' fill me up.

now the keebler elves are talking to me from the bottom drawer of my desk. help me, please, don't let the liminal get me!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

day #1 (again)

so miss jenn & i hit the gym this morning. i was about forty-five minutes late due to difficulties in dragging myself out of bed. i still managed to get in a full hour long workout before showering & getting ready for work. but oi, right now i'm sore & tired. definitely ready for a nap!

yes, i know, enough with the whining. but ah, i have not even yet begun to whine! they'll be much of that over the next few weeks, i'm sure.

for right now though, i'm trying to be upbeat. i hurt. i'm tired. i feel like i've never exercised a day in my life & my body's ready to throw in the towel.

but my mind baby, that's much stronger than my body, so i'm convinced that somehow i can make it through this stronger than ever.

& i've got stickers, so there's no stopping me now!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

long awaited pics of my puddy cat

so here's cleo & toes pre-cat shaving. she's the tan one in the back all fluffy & conceited. toes is my short haired baby in the front. this is the one of the few pics of them actually sitting near each other. usually cleo is taking cheap shots at toes or stealing her tuna.

& here is cleo post shaving. *sighs* my cat is still freakin me out! she skulks around & jumps out of places & i think she's a freakin' sewer rat on steroids or some shit. i know it's hard to tell from the pics, but when she had fur she looked like she had a small head & a huge fluffy body. now she has this giganto head & a super skinny body, complete with leg warmers. my cat is a "footloose" extra reject!

oh baby, you're so tight!

ok all, get your collective minds out of the gutters. *giggles* we're talking about my calf muscles, specifically the left one. for some reason for about a week or so the muscles on both my calves have been really tight. i have limited flexibility in my ankle & it kinda feels like all sorts of little pins are poking at the backs of my left calf. probably not a good thing, huh?

i'm thinking it's stress related. that it wasn't good enough for stress to cause me daily headaches & crippling back pain so that the only thing i can do is whimper, hunched over like i'm bucking to be the next quasimodo. so the evil little stress molecules have invaded other tissue in my body, & my poor calves were unprepared & easy targets for the stress buggers to burrow their way deeply into the muscles causing shooting pains & morning wake-up charlie horses.

now i'll be the first to admit that i haven't been really great lately about getting in enough water, so i may be a wee bit dehydrated. i'll admit to that one right now. but i can't believe that being a little behind on my water consumption could cause such incredible pain & horrible muscle problems, but possibly.

tomorrow morning i'm supposed to be at the gym bright & early with miss jenn to finally get this fitness train back on track, but it will most likely be with lots of whining & grouching if my legs are still feeling tighter than one of madonna's corsets.

Friday, September 01, 2006

sa-ay good-bye

another summer's gone & i'll be honest folks, i can't even begin to tell you what i did with my time. i know i worked at both my jobs, so i worked a lot. i quit one job & started a new one, even though i'm working in the same building in the same cube, so it doesn't even feel like a change.

i've wasted lots & lots of time. gotten done very little writing. & have no clue where the last three months of my life have gone.

oh, & i've gained a few pounds & worked out very rarely.

yup, that sums it up.

september 1st, could be a new start, eh? a time to finally get it all right, again? three years ago september was a time of rebirth for me. my nephew died september 7, 2003, just three days shy of his three month birthday. i flew to the east coast to be with my sister after his funeral. i stayed an extra week because she needed me. she smoked & cried & i thought, a lot, & we both drank, a helluva lot.

it was then that i found my totem, the dragonfly. it was also then. while my sister was smoking, her blue eyes permanently tinged red, a late-season dragonfly on the table, my legs up on the deck chair, staring into the sunset, it was then i picked me.

i'll save the dirty details for another day, but i was in a bad relationship with someone who was bad for me & treated me badly. & looking into that red sunset all i saw was logan's small grave & all i thought about was all that he wouldn't be doing. & i realized i'd wasted nearly seven years of my life on a complete asshole. ok, it was technically six years, nine months, but i say, close enough, right?

in the simple act of ridding myself of a person who was unhealthy to have around, emotionally, psychologically, & physically, i improved my health greatly. i also became a very vivacious & outgoing person, where before i'd been quite introverted.

so three years. not that much time, & yet a lot. if i can pull myself out of an abusive relationship, why can't i seem to pull it together to take care of myself now? to eat nutritious foods, meditate to ease my stress, & do the things that are needed for me to regain that confidence & guts?

how is it that two years ago i was returning from my desert odyssey with my vision rosy & optimistic & my head & heart bursting with ideas & moxie & self-love. my pores literally oozing sex appeal because of my outlook that made me sought after by nearly everyone who encountered me.

september 10th. the day logan's little lungs gave out, & just couldn't take another day. this september 10th i'll be going in to be tested for sleep apnea. i don't want to be sick. i don't want to be labeled with a "condition." but if it will help me get back to that person of two years ago. with energy & optimism, maybe then a condition isn't so terribly bad.