Tuesday, September 26, 2006

a blog divided

one week from tomorrow i'm going to be venturing over to hcmc (hennepin county medical center) to attend an information session on bariatric surgery. i'm not committing, at this time, to do a surgery to assist me in losing weight, but i will say that i'm very much tempted.

part of my decision to seek more information is due to josh's success with his surgery. i'm not necessarily a follower. i had originally, back when i was over 300 lbs, asked my doctor at the time to tell me more about weight loss surgery. she basically yelled at me, told me i wasn't big enough or sick enough, & to never ask about it again. um, yeah, at that point i had to lose half of my body weight, not big enough my ass! but, once again, no use crying over consumed milk shakes.

i know that i'm kinda maybe losing some weight on my own, but i had been down to 229 lbs on my own back in 2005 & i ballooned up another FIFTY pounds! EEEK! double EEEK EEEK! i know there were some other reasons behind my weight gain of last year, but it does get harder with age to continue this battle. & to be honest gang, the fight has nearly gone out of me. it's so disheartening to go to the gym, day after day, sweat until there's nothing coming out of my pores but salt, eat "good" food, stay away from the bad, & see absolutely no progress out of the deal. i'm not going to claim that i've been a saint or the perfect picture of health, but i'm trying goddammit & it's not freakin working! & i've been good more than i've been bad.

& i hate myself for being weak.

& i hate myself for being able to get so fucking fat.

& i hate myself because i can't seem to change.

& i hate myself for stopping my exercise program last year.

& i hate myself for feeling all of of this.

& it's time to stop hating myself.

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