now i love my job. don't get me wrong. i'm great at problem solving, i love doing detective work & figuring out where the issue is, & that's a lot of my job. i like helping people out, knowing that by what i've done at the end of my eight hours, or even at the end of that one phone call, i've helped make things a bit better for someone else. of course, it's not always that great, & sometimes i have to tell people things that they really don't want to hear, but that's ok too because, well, sometimes the truth is a mother fucker & we all just have to deal with that, do what we can, & get over it.
but i just realized, while perusing the burning man website, that in a way it is so seriously twisted that i'm working in a corporate office, in a cubicle, monday through friday, every day, with a fifty mile round trip commute. it's absurd. i mean, seriously guys, in a way i feel like i'm living a double life.
at work i'm good at my job. i know the insurance policies, i understand how the claims are processed, the rules & the regulations, & if i don't know something i know who to go to for help. but there's just some days where i'm doing all of this that there's this part of me just screaming out to run, far far far away.
i'm having de-blog vu, i feel like i've blogged this before, my discontent with the current path that my life is taking. & don't get me wrong, i love my sweetie, i'm looking forward to getting married & in a few years having our little demon spawn running around, but i kind of want to do it more on my own terms instead of this uber traditional path that my life seems to be taking.
i mean, i love the health insurance, steady pay check, & all that jazz. but at what point is all of that going to be enough? i'm starting to believe that the world is divided between the people that are meant to take a traditional road, & those of us meant for another less traveled adventure. and the further i go down this expected road of the monday through friday life, the harder it is for me to see across the field to the road where my heart is saying that i'm supposed to be.
don't worry, i won't do anything insanely stupid like quitting my job & running off to europe to find myself. somehow i don't think that i'm there anyway. but all of this musing & typing & mulling has brought me to the conclusion that instead of just being content with the status quo, or sitting at a computer bitching about it, that it's time to really actually do something about this whole life game.
i've gotten so far away from that hippie chick that in a way i'm afraid of her. ever since i can remember i've said i want to be a writer, i've known so far deep inside of me that's what i'm destined for, that nothing else has ever seemed like an ok alternative, & here i am, doing something else. not fully utilizing my writing gifts. a blog here & there is not pushing myself to the pinnacle of my talent, it's keeping me from regressing, but it's not as much as i should be doing.
here's the thing that isn't well known about writing. it takes daily work & commitment to keep those skills sharp & to really be the absolute best that you're capable of. in a way it's just like music, or sports, or any other skill set. if you don't dedicate yourself to put in the practice time, the hours every day, you start to lose your skills. maybe only a bit at first, but more & more as time goes by & before you know it it's hard to see where you were before.
right now i'm terrified of that writer that's inside me. i've neglected her way too long. i've been writing here & there in small bursts, but nothing like the every day hours that not only do i know that i need to do, but i want to do. i want to be able to truly feel like when i say i'm a write that it's the god's honest truth, not just something that i want to be true. what i really need to do is fuse together the self that i let people see every day & that writer that i keep locked inside of myself. because if i don't do something to bring her out into the light i am really afraid that i will lose her, & then i honestly don't know where i would go from there.
the thing is, all those years, while i was in junior high, high school, under grad, all the while i kept getting asked what i would do when i grew up. & i always replied that i never wanted to grow up. & that i was going to be a writer. & some how i've gotten the message that making your way of life through the arts is not viable, it's not something that is OK with polite society. & i do care about what people thing. much much more than i really should. but i've also come to the realization that it's just not worth it. so fuck polite society. i'm going after what i really want out of my life.