so about 48 hours & josh & i will be headed into minneapolis to go to hcmc for my informational meeting on bariatric surgery. i still haven't made my decision yet, but i'm so utterly sick of being sick & tired. i want to feel healthy again & have energy to go out & do stuff again.
i've decided that my game plan will be to go ahead as if i'm going to do this. go to the meeting, get set up with the nutritionist & all that jazz. & then work my hardest to work my BIG butt off. i will follow nutritional guidelines. give up booze. chocolate. all of that crap. workout three to five to seven times a week. do everything within my power to change things.
with that said, in a way, i've come to terms with the fact that no matter what i do on my own, it really may not be enough. i've been trying on my own since i was eleven. every year i vowed to change things. to work out & lose THE WEIGHT. & every time, year after year, i fail miserably. december is a very depressing time at my house. me, surrounded by cakes & cookies that my mother insists on baking, thinking back on the past year & all the things that i could have done to change me health & didn't do. & inevitably my hand reaches into the cookie bucket & i kinda go numb.
did i mention last year my mother made nine gallons full of cookies?! i am not exaggerating. nine kemps ice cream pails full to the top with peanut butter kisses, peanut butter bars, four cup cookies, ginger snaps, snicker doodles, sugar cookies. and all of it completely covering out kitchen table, some buckets stacked on top of each other. & then there was the two pounds of baklava ordered from swiss colony, and the petite fours, & the christmas candy filling every dish in our living room. have i mentioned that my mother is a diabetic? no, i guess i didn't.
wtf mate, right? no wonder i haven't a snow balls chance in hades of doing this on my own. with family like that, who needs enemies??
i do love my family, but i feel like they're out to sabotage me on this whole thing. sometimes i don't even feel like jack is 100% on my side. when i'm trying to be really good he'll say how he wants to get some take out, & wouldn't burger king be really good right now? or i'll want him to go for a walk with me & the puppy when i get home from work & he doesn't want to just then but maybe later on (which never happens).
yes, i know, being totally an externalist at this moment & blaming everyone but myself for my being a fattie. but trust me gang, i've got enough guilt & shame on that one to satisfy an entire weight watchers meeting.
i just want some help. i need some help in order to do this. i don't want my kids to be fat. it's not a good way to spend a childhood. & i don't want my kids to know ME fat. i don't want them to be ashamed 'cause their mommy is bigger than all the other mommies. because kids point & laugh & call me names when i'm not there. this isn't a battle that anyone else should have to fight for me.
state of mind: pensive
music: just my own resilient click-clack-keystrokes