like almost every little girl, when i was young, i believed in fairytales. that good always, no matter the odds, would triumph over evil. generosity & good deeds are rewarded, while selfishness & ill will are punished. magic exists in many forms. that for every princess, there was a prince. & that they would all live happily ever after, because that's the way the universe is meant to be.
some days i wish i could go back in time & shake that little girl hard, make her teeth rattle, & tell her that it's all a bunch of bullshit. that in the end, all that you can really count on, is yourself. & if you don't start off believing in yourself then you're in for a long hard path until you get to that place.
i want to tell her that there won't be a prince, on a white horse. there won't be a castle. or that one perfect kiss that saves anyone's soul. there won't be the birds, the stars, the hearts or the sappy music to signal the happy ending. i want to tell her to stop looking for all of that. i want to save her a decade of her life wasted on that myth of happily ever after. i want her to focus on what's really important, her art, her vision, her future, herself.
& if only i could go back in time, maybe i could save that girl from having to learn every lesson the hard way. to have to learn over & over that thinking with your heart is as insane as trying to breath with your spleen. it's an impossible situation that will only end in frustration & defeat. maybe she'd believe it if i was the one to tell her she was smart, beautiful, capable, talented. that she really could be anything at all under the sun, she just had to dream & believe it. not get distracted by chasing pixies into the witching hour.
but i can't travel in time, although if i could i would SO be the first to think up you tube. & then i'd have a million dollars so i could buy a green coat, but not a real green coat. 'cause that's just cruel. sometimes it's nice to wish a bit though, to think & hope that maybe in some way i can bend time, just a little, so as not to actually travel back, but to reach that little girl, through our ancestors, so they can guide her & save her the wasted time.
& yes, the people we are now are because of the people we were in the past, shaped by the experiences along the way & the events & encounters of every day of our life. & yet, i'm not in the mood for that philosophical bullshit. because what's to say that the person i am at this moment is the best possible version of myself? what's to say that if i would have only been stronger as a child that perhaps i'd be a much more powerful person today? that maybe, if my head wouldn't have been so far up in the clouds that i'd be better grounded here on earth. my dreams realized. living my dreams instead of just sitting & pathetically wishing that maybe one day i'll be able to find the time between the two jobs & the inane errands to actually finish my book. to actually do something with my life.
maybe one day i'll stop trying to breath with my spleen.