i was leaving hamline today after meeting with larry & telling him once again, that i didn't have any writing for him to read. & once again i showed up to campus feeling like a failure for some how not being able to do what was once easier for me than breathing. & while i was there i told him about the wedding, & feeling like a failure & a fuck up for some how not being able to write. & he listened, & told me that i was in no way a fuck up, that everyone has those times. where the one thing that you love to do, want to do, crave & yearn for, is the one thing that you're unable to do.
one thing i told him is that lately my writing has started to feel like just one more thing on my lengthily daily to do list. & he told me that i needed to get it off my to do list & bring it back to being enjoyable. something that i take comfort & refuge in. & he's right. he also mentioned that i need a sacred writing space & that with enough time & practice that my writing time will feel like sacred time, but that i have to believe it, tell myself, & not let anyone or anything intrude on that space.
so for the first time in a while i'm feeling hopeful about my writing.
i'm still living with my parents, which is less than ideal in SO many ways, but the one thing that i could have going for me is that we do have an office, in the basement, next to my room. it's technically my mom's, but she hasn't been able to use it for some time due to the accumulation of junk that has slowly infested our house. & she said that her office can be my office. so i need to step 1: clean out the backroom junk blocking said office & step 2: clean out the office itself. inside the office there's a computer desk & another gorgeous wooden desk. sure, it's in a basement, but it has the potential to be my sacred space.
& believe it or not, i'm not working at the group home again until december 9, 2006 because i took some time off for myself. so i can really get this emptied out & have some ME space! i think i know what i'll be doing this weekend, any guesses?
& all of this rambling brings me to the title of this happy little blog, NaNoWriMo. which is short for national novel writing month. which is basically a bunch of people from all over the country are trying to write a complete novel during the month of november. there's some guidelines set out, it should be 175 pages, about 50,000 words, completely written from november 1-30th. now, admittedly, i'm 13 days late in entering this. & some folks are probably well into their novel, but i'm thinking of taking a crack anyway. i still don't have a usable novel for my thesis. i have the general gist of the whole dang thing, but nothing usable, just a lot of nonsense, which doesn't work well for anyone but willy wonka.
so i've got a pretty huge 17 days ahead of me. let's see. i am going to clean out the office, beautify it, create my sacred writing space & give myself permission to write.
to all my friends, i love you most dearly, but i may be less than pleasant when turning down invites over the next month or so while i finish my novel. so please, if i tell you no i can't do something because i have to write, don't be offended. especially if i'm less than kind while saying no, i'll do my best to keep the chubi hidden, but she may emerge on occasion.