& that's what people have been telling me, a lot, here at work. but in a way i don't know that i believe it. ok, yeah, so in the last two weeks i did lose ten pounds, but before i did that people were saying i looked like i was losing weight. while i was pigging out on a regular basis, drinking on the weekends, & forgot my way to the gym even though i have to walk right by it on my way into work every day.
& in a way it's really discouraging, makes me feel like an imposter, & all these other oddly complex feelings of guilt & shame. & sometimes i wonder, are people just being nice because they know that i'm going to the gym (semi) regularly? & they see me sucking down the gallons of water. & choking down lean cuisines everyday. is it that they want to encourage me to keep trying to make myself healthier eventhough it doesn't appear to be working?
it's very odd, but when people start to notice my weight loss & congratulate me on it i start to feel super self conscious. & then i feel like if i don't continue to lose weight that some how i'm disappointing them because they took the time to notice the changes in me. & then slowly the sweets creep back in, & the fast food, & the other foods that are detrimental to my health & well being.
sometimes i wonder if all fat people are great self sabatogers. i really think that if there was an olympics for self destructive, self deprecating, self sabotaging behavior that i would most definitely be a medal contender. not like i WANT to be that person that does those hurtful things to myself, but i really feel sometimes like i can't help it.
being fat is emotionally complex, like taking an afternoon stroll through a mine field. when i'm out in public people, all the way from small children to adults, think it's perfectly ok to stare at me. it's ok to make loud comments around me about "that fat chick." it's ok to scruntinize what i'm eating. what i'm wearing. just because i'm fat. & i'm made to feel like i'm less because of my size. like i'm not as worthy of the good things in life. i don't deserve cute clothes. i should be uncomfortable in: movie theater seats, restaurant booths, airplane. that's the punishment due to me because i'm fat.
& it really pisses me off. i mean, it's not kosher for me to go up to the white trash mom in the mall & tell her to make her fucking brat shut the fuck up 'cause the kid is annoying as all hell. it's not ok for me to go up to the skinny bitch in the tube top & too low too tight jeans & tell her she looks like she should be working university & getting five bucks a blow. it's not ok for me to go up to the overly built guy wearing the sleeveless shirt in january & tell him to lay off the 'roids before his boys shrivel to raisins. & YET all these people, & more, find it socially acceptable to comment on my fat butt wearing the apple bottoms. eventhough my clothes actually fit, i'm not being rude or obnoxious, & i'm not asking any of them for a goddamn thing.
to all my fat brethren out there: i request a call to arms. let's not sit back anymore & take it. next time i hear someone commenting about me i will speak up. i will get in their face. & i will make it personal. the problem is, the masses think it's ok, that fat people don't deserve to be treated with respect & dignity. i say we reclaim our dignity, demand respect.