Friday, February 02, 2007

another two weeks

i bought myself another two weeks with HCMC. i called them up today & switched my surgical consult from friday february 9th, the friday february 23rd. i know two weeks may not seem like much to anyone else, but i realized today that a week from this day, that exact moment (3:53pm) i would have already had my meeting with the surgeon for my gastric bypass & he'd be well on his way to writing my letter for my insurance to get my surgery approved.

& i had a wee little panic attack.

& realized that, no matter how ready & put together the dietitian & psychologist think i am & how prepared i seem to take that leap, that i just wasn't ready for it. i know that marty definitely thinks i should go for it, as does jack. & i know that josh, while saying that it's my decision & i need to do what's right, for him the GB WAS the right decision, so i feel a bit like maybe he sorta sees that as my best option too.

as for jenn, i give her much kudos for being 100% totally non-committed. she has some people that she's very close to who've gone through the surgical weight loss, & then she also knows people who've gone the other route. she said no matter what she expects my ass at the Y with her hitting the ellipticals & such at night & getting our bi-weekly beating from riley.

rachel & tina are supportive, but neither has really given much of an opinion, which is kind of nice. two people who i don't have to worry about disappointing. they just want me to be happy & healthy.

my parents however, especially my mom, are wholly against the whole thing. just today my mom sent me an email with a link to an article in the st. paul pioneer press regarding the negative psychological effects that can come up post weight loss surgery. although, if you really read it, the article cautions that any massive weight loss will have mental effects on a person no matter how they managed to lose weight. but still, way to be supportive.

maybe it's all a sign that no matter how ready i think i am to make that leap, that i really am not at all ready to do something so dramatic. & i'll admit, there's a part of me that mentally throws a first class three year old tantrum when i think about the way i would need to eat post surgery.

but i don't want to give up pasta! even if it IS only for a little while!

i LIKE ice cream. can't we negotiate on this?!

but beckah needs her booze...on occasion at least

people who've had the surgery tell me it just takes time & patience & eventually you can eat most of what you did before, but you have to eat less. which, the skeptical part of me wants to note, sounds a helluva lot like watching what you eat & dieting. but, meh, it does have built in self control, which dieting doesn't.

& i'm not even sure what i can accomplish in another two weeks. maybe see how strong my will is to do this on my own? another two weeks could be another 2 lbs lost if i can lose a pound a week. not that much when you're looking at another almost hundred pounds, but it's something. it's 4 more personal training sessions with riley. it's another 14 days to live one day at a time. & most of all, it's another chance.

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