Friday, March 02, 2007

can we say avoidance boys & girls?

today was supposed to be my surgical consult at HCMC. now, originally i was supposed to go in on february 9th, but i couldn't face the decision so i pushed it back two weeks to february 23rd, then the surgeon had to cancel & move it back one week to today, & then, using the blizzard that hit the cities last night as a (somewhat lame) excuse, i cancelled my appointment for today. i'll have to call the clinic & reschedule for *possibly* next week, the 9th of march, or else i may be waiting until march 23rd to finally see the surgeon.

it is very odd, in a way. because at the start of this whole thing way back in october it looked like by this date i would be post-op & eating my post surgery foods while my body recovered from the slicey-dicey. & now, i'm training twice a week with jenn & riley, setting up a home gym, & dodging the lovely gastric bypass folks over at HCMC. & i haven't figured out yet if i'm deliberately ditching the GB folks, or if i'm just delaying making the decision because i'm afraid of making the wrong one.

as of this exact moment i've decided to go ahead & give this whole thing one last go on my own. i've been doing a lot better in the last two months than i had been in the whole last quarter of 2006. & there's a lot behind that. i think part of it is, i'm simply less stressed. i still worry about money & i still have lots of bills to pay, but i'm not freaking out as much as before. i still have to finish my thesis & i'm still not writing enough, but i feel like some of the mental cobwebs are leaving. i'm still FAT, but i'm actually losing weight now: slowly, but still losing. & i'm finally doing the things i need to do for myself to be healthy. i'm taking time to relax & think about what i want. i'm putting myself first. & i'm saying NO, a lot, & not in a mean way, but just no to all the things that will distract me, that i would only do because someone else wanted me to do, & all the things that i know will just sabotage me as i try to make myself over into the person i want to become.

i'm not saying i haven't had my rough moments in 2007, cause they have definitely been there. & i won't even try to say that i haven't had any indulgences, because i've had my fair share of chocolate delights, but i haven't had any alcohol since new year's day, a small kalua & milk when the canadia porn train stopped in flint, michigan. & i've been exercising every week, some weeks only two or three days, but still doing it. & feeling so much better, my body is getting so much stronger.

so then, since i'm doing SO well on my own, why am i afraid of going into HCMC & telling them, thanks, but no thanks? maybe it's because if i really do that, & then i fail on my own, again, i'll feel like the biggest moron on earth crawling back to them again just to start the whole process all over again. i also feel like, once i do that, go in & tell the surgeon i want one last shot on my own, that i'll be really committed to actually succeeding all on my own. & being on my own in the weight loss game is a scary thing for me.

the logical side of me says i'm not alone. i have lots of cheerleaders, my family & friends, & even some of my coworkers at both jobs. & then there's specifically jenn who makes me work out with her & gives me the evil eye if i'm eating chocolate OTHER THAN my twice a day calciums. & riley who is sweet enough to let me pay him to kick my ass from one side of the Y to the other twice a week.

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