Friday, March 09, 2007

nuff with the procrastinating! or so i thought. . .

i really thought that today was DO OR DIE day for me when it comes to the major life altering decision of the GB. i had it in my head that i had to know for 100% sure, none of that ept (99.999% sure) crap, that i really wanted to, or not wanted to, do the surgery. & further more that if i was indeed going ahead with the surgery i had to pick which surgery before i showed up at HCMC today. &, oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, i didn't have to be to that for really sure point.

which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.

even though, i really thought that i was.

if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.

let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?

maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.

granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.

so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.

all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.

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