Wednesday, April 25, 2007

it's all about the shoes, baby

i feel rather tall today. & skinny. ok, relatively skinny. & i give credit to my shoes.

most days i wear my doc marten boots. have i mentioned i /heart my new boots? if i haven't, here's the declaration. & while they are hella cute, they're flat & don't give my short self much of a boost. today though, we had to dress up, more than usual, at work because we had some "big wigs" coming through today. so no cute boots :(

instead i wore a pair of my mudd dress shoes. a little bit of a heel. black. kinda funky & definitely cute in their own right.

my legs are still killing me from my second to the last riley workout yesterday. & my pecs are twinging from the upper body miss jenn & i did monday. & my abs are screaming at me too about the ab workout i did. but at least i feel tall.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

it's like a bad 80's movie

i was going to name this blog "say goodbye to hollywood" but that wasn't quite right. & then i thought about just "say goodbye" but i think i did that one. so instead, i'll pull on the collective memories of 80's movie complete with perms, leg warmers, teased hair, t-top trans-ams, inspirational song tracks, & a montage. yeah, gotta have a montage.

last week jenn & i got some semi devastating news: riley got a new job. i mean, ok yeah for him, if he really thinks he needs to work full time & get benefits. but it means he'll be moving to another Y. & at first it appeared that perhaps he'd be able to continue to train jenn & myself, but alas, he only has a couple of weeks that he's allowed to do that, & then, if we want to continue to train with him we'll need to make the trek up 169 from minnetonka to coon rapids during rush hour traffic. yeah. right. about that. not gonna happen.

while i /heart riley as a trainer, i just don't have the dedecation to him to travel that highway to hell. for anyone who doesn't live in minnesota & is not familiar with 169 i'll explain. 169 is basically hell on earth in general, but especially from the hours of 3pm to 7pm monday through friday. which leaves me trainer-less.


i'm now a gym orphan. well, ok, jenn & i are now gym orphans. we just started to get our balance in this whole weight training thing & our options are: a) find a new trainer or b) try to go it alone. both are unequivocally scary for their own reasons. after about three months with riley i feel like we finally found our stride. he knows us, he gets our jokes. ok, he doesn't ALWAYS get our jokes, but about 96% of the time he's right there with us & he isn't even uncomfortable when i make fat girl jokes.

like today when he was stretching out jenn & i's lower legs he said "you girls have some loose hammies"

& i said "mmm...ham, i'm hungry."

& jenn shot in with "never doubt a fat girl to bring ham into the equation."

so i'm not super excited about the thought of having to break in a new trainer. i mean, it's taken us the majority of the past three months to properly break in riley. so that leaves option b, going this alone. & while jenn & i have both had success in the past with losing weight on our own, but then again, neither of us is a size 0 skeleton wannabe. i'm still too fat to be a plus size model. at least according to twiggy & tyra.

there are definite bonuses to going it alone, the first being we'd each be saving $70 bucks a week, which means i could use that to put in my savings, or pay extra on bills, that would be an extra $280 a month i'd have to do something else with! & let's face it, i'm still kinda a broke ass hoe cause i'm working two jobs & going to school & still trying to live that big dream, so 280 is a whole lotta scratch for me. in a way i can't believe i've been shelling that out & not even cringing, must be because we pay each week.

i am still pretty worried though that i'm going to *twump* fall flat on my face & fail. again. my friend dev suggested that jenn & i make a pact that if one of us punks out on gym time then they owe the other one 20 bucks, which i think is a great idea. i'm not sure yet how miss jenn feels & if we'll be doing that or not. but it's an idea. i have all kinds of "incentives" set up for myself, but it's still hard to keep motivated day after day when i'm not losing a freaking thing.

i have been in the 250's since february, bouncing all over the freaking 250's, but not able to break through down into the 240's. can i get a mother fucker? mother fucker.

maybe with jenn as my co-trainer i can break through. i hope. i really really hope. cause this blows monkey balls. seriously.

weigh in

so, i forgot to post my weigh in last week, but i did indeed weigh in, last week i was at 251.8, this week i'm at 250.8, so, yea me, down another pound! still kind of far from my birthday goal *sad panda* but i still have 7 weeks & i'd need to lose at least 22lbs to be safely at my goal for my birthday. yeah, that breaks down to more than three pounds a week. *GULP* yeah, i really don't see that happening.

to be honest, not even sure how i COULD manage that in a healthy way at this point, because "they" say that you should only lose two pounds a week. but i'll keep trying. besides, evidently all the weight lifting is supposed to be adding muscle, which weighs more than fat, but will eventually help me burn more fat faster. maybe if i start actually weight training 4-6 days a week? it's a thought. that & lots of cardio, baby. & then eating healthy & laying off the crap food. we'll see how that works.

*pondering* then again, i still have birthday boots to fit my fat ass calves into. & remarkably, both the pairs of high boots are pretty dang close to fitting me, i just need to hit the weights more & get those calves toned. as opposed to getting those calves tanned....that'd be if they were leather, moo. :) yeah, it was a cheesy joke.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

checking in: goals 2007

so, it's almost a third of the way through 2007. let's see how i'm doing on my goals that i set out in january:

~work out an average of 4 days/week for 60+min/day
~be able to do 10 real push ups~run for five minutes without dying
~by year's end be able to do firm videos without dying
~increase flexibility (for use in "fun" category)

well....i have not been doing the work out thing, at all, i've been averaging two days a week simply because i've been doing training with riley. ok, maybe three days on occasion, so i need to bump that up. i am getting stronger, but still no where near doing a single real push up, & i can run for about 45 seconds before i beg to die & slow down to a walk. as for the flexible, i've done pilates maybe twice this year...but my squats are getting deeper when i'm training my legs, so i may be increasing my flexibility a wee bit.

summary on fitness: meh, ok, needs improvement

~pay off at least two of my credit cards
~put money into my savings with every check

i don't have any of my credit cards paid off, but i am getting pretty close on one & making extra payments on others, so i'll re-evaulate this at the end of june when i'm half through the year, but i'm pretty hopeful i can get two paid off by years end. i think i've missed one, possibly two times, of transferring money into my savings. but otherwise doing pretty well.

summary on finance: doing pretty dang good

~finish my novel
~finish revising my poetry book
~submit to at least 5 publications this year

hrm, future, yeah, about that. i haven't really worked on my novel. i've written one new poem & haven't touched my poetry manuscript since 2006.

summary on future: failing miserably, thus far

~get my 3rd tattoo
~party like it's 1999 for my 30th
~enjoy the last of my 20's & the start of my 30's
~end the year with ZERO regrets

as for fun, well, i haven't been sitting around moping or anything. i got my nose pierced. i have my appointment for my birthday tattoo. i'm getting my ears pierced again before i go to cali. & just in general trying not to sweat the small things.

summary on fun: meh, doing alright, i guess

~work up to meditating 5 times a week by years end

haven't really meditated at all. but i've pulled out my "hippie" books & have done some reading & made friends with some like minded people. i've also recently learned about focusing my chi, so on the path. well, ok, i can SEE the path.

summary on focus: needs work

Friday, April 13, 2007

a totally random & slightly repetative, survey

First Name: beckah
Middle Name: lee
Birthday: june 15th
Eyes: brown
Hair: reddish/brown
Fav color: PINK!
Day/Night: night baby
Fave Food: trail mix
do you ever wish you had another name? yup
Do you like anyone? yup
Which one of your friends acts the most like you?jenn-jenn
Who's the loudest?josh
Who have you known the longest of your friends?tina
Who's the shyest: not a clue
Are you close to any family members? yup
When you cried the most: waiting for my dad's surgery
What's the best feeling in the world: being confident
Worst Feeling: being scared
Let's walk on the: beach in the surf
Let's run through: the waves
Let's look at the: stars
What a nice: tattoo
Where did all the: tequila go?
Why can't you: just shut up?
Silly, little: boy
Tell me: all your secrets
Ran away from home: not yet
Pictured your crush naked: hell yeah
Skipped school: yeah
Broken someone's heart: not deliberately, but yeah.
Been in love: maybe
Cried when someone died: of course
Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: duh, yeah
Done something embarrassing: most every day
Done a drug: my lawyer advised me not to answer
Cried in school: unfortunately
Your Good Luck Charm: can't say, i'll have to kill you
Person You Hate Most: don't hate, but i do loathe a couple people
Best Thing That Has Happened: burning man
Ice Cream: yes please
WHO Makes you laugh the most: jenn-jenn
Makes you smile: my family
Has A Crush On You:
Do You Have A Crush On Someone: yup
Fallen for your best friend?: nope
Made out with JUST a friend?: yeah, & hope to again ; )
Kissed two people in the same day?: yup
Had sex with two different people in the same day?: once again, my lawyer advised me not to answer
Been rejected: .hasn't everyone?
Been in love?: didn't i answer this already?
Been used?: yeah, but i learned from it.
Done something you regret?: yeah, but i repress it.
Cheated on someone?: nope.
Been called a tease: daily.
You touched?:palmer
You talked to on the phone?: some random member from cali...who rocked
You hugged?: my dad
You instant messaged?: jenn-jenn
You kissed?: i don't know
You yelled at?: not a clue
Who text messaged you?: jenn-jenn
Who broke your heart?: i honestly don't know
Who told you they loved you?: my dad


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

if the 40's are the new 20's. . .

. . .then, may i ask, what the hell are the 30's? are they the new teen years? should i be having my rebellious stage right now? complete with black make-up, black clothes, a pessimistic world view & tragic bad poetry? wait, um, yeah, i already did that when i really was 15. that is one phase i really don't want to relive. at all.

so seriously, what are the 30's? i'm having a bit of an existential crisis here. it seems like my friends are polarizing. they're either married/engaged/deeply steeped in coupledom or single & partying & doing the whole puke n rally phase of their lives. not that either of those is a bad thing, perse, but i'm not sure where i fit in anymore.

don't get me wrong, i love all my friends dearly, a couple i & i'm so happy for her, i couldn't be more excited if it was me that was about three months shy of motherhood, but in the quiet times i think too much about what all of it means. i love her, & her hubby frank, both dearly. but in the last three-ish years since she's gotten married we spend less time together. she has committments to her family, & his, & there's some days that i feel like there's no room left for me. & in my selfish moments, which, i've already established, is most of 2007, i wonder what my friendship with tina is going to be like post baby.

once again, i love her dearly, i'm closer to her than nearly any other person on planet earth, there's just one exception. i love her like a sister, her little boy will be my nephew. but i'm not at that same life place that she's at right now. i'm still single with no change to that in the near future (& i'm UBER happy about that!) & no clue when i'll have kids. just seems a little bit like that small fissue in our lives is turning more into a crevice. not that i want that to happen at all. she's family to me, but it feels like something i can't help.

but, at the same time, i seem to be re-entering my early twenties. which is an exciting thing for me because my first time through wasn't so grand. i basically wasted my twenties on bad relationships. or, relationships that were bad for me. i learned a lot from each one, but sometimes the most vaulable thing any of us have is our time, & i gave too much of it away to people who just weren't worthy of it. yeah, it's egotistical. but it's dead on accurate & true.

& my friends on the other end of the spectrum? there's nothing wrong with them either. i'm glad that i still know people who are single, people that i have a major life status in common with. & yet.

& yet.

i still have trouble reconciling the entire thing. fifteen years ago, hell, even ten or twelve years ago, i thought i would be at such a different place as i stood on the edge of my thirties. i thought i'd be a published writer. i really thought i'd be living my dream. instead, i'm not. i'm working two jobs, still, going to school, still, & dreaming, still.

i am realizing now, that i was not nearly selfish enough in the past, well, lifetime. & i think i'm starting to come to the conclusion that if i really do have to pick between a relationship/family life or leading the bohemiun writer's dream that i've had since i could dream, that i'll take the latter.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

1st weigh in, post competition

yeah, so back up again this week, 1.4 lbs from last week. i seem to be bouncing around the low 250's & it's getting quite annoying. i am happy that i'm at 254.4 instead of in the 270's, or higher, but still, it's getting frustrating. & to be honest, it's getting hard for me to keep hopeful & keep up my motivation when working really hard & watching every single freakin little thing that goes into my mouth doesn't seem to help a damn bit.

&, despite the fact that i pay a hella lot of money to go to training with riley, it's not even enough lately to keep me going into the gym & putting in all that effort when the results i'm seeing are minimal to non existent. boo.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

the end: week twelve

so, the competition has officially ended, & i hate to saying it blog readers: but i did not win. yeah, i know, i'm a very sad panda :( but don't worry, i'm not having a three some tonight with ben & jerry, i'll be hitting the gym with miss jenn for our second workout of the day.

i am disappointed in myself that i wasn't able to win this thing. i know that i really COULD HAVE if i would have taken it seriously hard core from the beginning. but, as it is, a good lesson was learned for me, & i still lost 17.4 lbs since the start of the whole thing in january, & that in itself is a big win for me. so go me, almost twenty pounds lost. i should be able to make my goal of 229 by the big 30!