Wednesday, April 11, 2007

if the 40's are the new 20's. . .

. . .then, may i ask, what the hell are the 30's? are they the new teen years? should i be having my rebellious stage right now? complete with black make-up, black clothes, a pessimistic world view & tragic bad poetry? wait, um, yeah, i already did that when i really was 15. that is one phase i really don't want to relive. at all.

so seriously, what are the 30's? i'm having a bit of an existential crisis here. it seems like my friends are polarizing. they're either married/engaged/deeply steeped in coupledom or single & partying & doing the whole puke n rally phase of their lives. not that either of those is a bad thing, perse, but i'm not sure where i fit in anymore.

don't get me wrong, i love all my friends dearly, a couple i & i'm so happy for her, i couldn't be more excited if it was me that was about three months shy of motherhood, but in the quiet times i think too much about what all of it means. i love her, & her hubby frank, both dearly. but in the last three-ish years since she's gotten married we spend less time together. she has committments to her family, & his, & there's some days that i feel like there's no room left for me. & in my selfish moments, which, i've already established, is most of 2007, i wonder what my friendship with tina is going to be like post baby.

once again, i love her dearly, i'm closer to her than nearly any other person on planet earth, there's just one exception. i love her like a sister, her little boy will be my nephew. but i'm not at that same life place that she's at right now. i'm still single with no change to that in the near future (& i'm UBER happy about that!) & no clue when i'll have kids. just seems a little bit like that small fissue in our lives is turning more into a crevice. not that i want that to happen at all. she's family to me, but it feels like something i can't help.

but, at the same time, i seem to be re-entering my early twenties. which is an exciting thing for me because my first time through wasn't so grand. i basically wasted my twenties on bad relationships. or, relationships that were bad for me. i learned a lot from each one, but sometimes the most vaulable thing any of us have is our time, & i gave too much of it away to people who just weren't worthy of it. yeah, it's egotistical. but it's dead on accurate & true.

& my friends on the other end of the spectrum? there's nothing wrong with them either. i'm glad that i still know people who are single, people that i have a major life status in common with. & yet.

& yet.

i still have trouble reconciling the entire thing. fifteen years ago, hell, even ten or twelve years ago, i thought i would be at such a different place as i stood on the edge of my thirties. i thought i'd be a published writer. i really thought i'd be living my dream. instead, i'm not. i'm working two jobs, still, going to school, still, & dreaming, still.

i am realizing now, that i was not nearly selfish enough in the past, well, lifetime. & i think i'm starting to come to the conclusion that if i really do have to pick between a relationship/family life or leading the bohemiun writer's dream that i've had since i could dream, that i'll take the latter.

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