Wednesday, May 23, 2007

life, the universe, & all that fun jazz

it's not news to anyone who has been around me lately that my life has been full of events, emergencies, & basically one emotionally draining bizarre event after another. yeah, i know, wake up & smell the espresso, that's life. & yeah, it is life. & i need to learn how to balance all that bullshit with my writing. because i've been a major slacker when it comes to my writing. not only my blog, but everything else too.

just so we're all reading the same book here. this is a short sum-up of recent events:
~april 9th my dad had rotator cuff surgery (so he's now off of work for 6 months & driving every one crazy)
~april 28th my grandma died in arizona
~may 12th last day of class & final paper due (i had to beg an extension to turn it in on monday the 14th)
~may 12th tina's baby shower, which i was hosting
~may 12th becky's bachelorette, which i was hosting
~may 18th grandma's funeral
~may 18th marty & becky's wedding
~may 18th tina's grandma died
~today tina's grandma's funeral

there's been lots of other little stuff in there & lots of inner drama, but that's the main listing of the external events that have been on my list of challenging items.

in the midst of all the trauma/drama i have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly over thinking, but some plain ol regular thinking too. & i've come to two pretty important conclusions. one of which i'm ept sure that i've mentioned on here, the other which i'm ept sure i haven't mentioned on here.

so the first conclusion is that no matter how completely insane my life gets i need to keep writing & keep working on that dream. because it's not going to happen on my own. & one thing i've noticed is that the times when my life is the most insane, when tons of outside shits keeps intruding, that is the time when i should be writing the most. not because writing is therapeutic, because my "therapeutic" writing sucks ass most of the time. but because i need to learn to write all the time, no matter what is happening in my life. & i have totally said that before. i know that i have. but life is one big long lesson. & some times you have to fail the tests a couple times before the lesson sticks.

the second conclusion is a lot harder to verbalize. it has to do more with my spirit. just like i've been neglecting my writing, i've been neglecting my spirit. & i think the two are most definitely related. back when i was eighteen i came to a realization, that i needed to follow a different path. i feel the best when i do lots of meditation, when i'm at peace with myself and the world around me. i really believe that i need to be in tune with nature. this is what i've been neglecting. i've been SO concerned with making sure that i'm not disappointing anyone, letting anyone down, or in any other fashion fucking up that i've been neglecting that internal maintenance on my soul. if that makes any sense at all. when i was really at peace with myself i was doing lots of meditation, inner soul searching, & just spirit maintenance. basically i've been letting my spirituality lapse. there's not really a better way to say that. but i may go into it deeper in a later blog.

& that's basically what i need to do i need to write more & regain my spirituality.

nuff said.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

boys are pushy & mean

***warning, for the record, i am TOTALLY NOT, one of those women who's had some a-hole boyfriends & now hates all men, but the boys i'm talking about are: pushy & mean***

last night at the ridgedale Y there was a mildly triumphant return of the tuesday/thursday girls. basically jenn & i have been MIA from the Y for the past three weeks. with good reason i might add. i've been busy finishing class, planning a baby shower, planning a bachelorette, attending a funeral & a wedding & just in general being a busy busy (little) bee.

& jenn has been wicked busy too. i'll be honest, i've been pretty me-centric lately so i can't even say exactly what she's been busy with, but i'm sure that it is very important stuff that needed her immediate attention.

so with just eleven days left of may, & both of us needing to get to the Y at least 8 days to get our discount for the month's membership, we slunk into the Y last night. & for the record, while i'm loving the new work hours, getting to work at 7:30 am & getting the hell out of dodge at 4pm, the Y is not so wondrous a place at that time.

by the time we both got changed & then made our emergency stop by best buy for new headphones, the Y was pretty hopping. we each managed to score an elliptical, but not really near the other one. so while i was set up for an hour long cardio session jenn was done & wiping down her machine after a thirty minute workout & a three minute cool down. & maybe she would've just stayed on her elliptical for another half hour if she would've known what was to happen next.

((yeah, we're getting to the pushy mean boys))

as you'll all recall, jenn & i have been getting into weight lifting this year, mainly due to our (former) trainer, riley. with riley gone to a new Y for full time benefits, jenn & i are on our own with the weight lifting. which, is actually something that isn't SO bad. except for, it was a very hostile environment at the Y last night.

so i strut, or, as close as i can come to strutting since my legs are all jello-y weak & my face is cherry red & i'm sweating head to toe, carrying my pink weight lifting bible & pink water bottle into the weight lifting area. talk about being uncomfortable, the boys obviously didn't want a fat girl there, much less one dragging her friend along with her. they kind of gave off this vibe like they didn't want me touching their equipment. er, yeah, the weight lifting stuff. that's what i meant.

the ridgedale Y actually has a fairly large weight lifting area, at least three or four benches set up for bar bells & then at least three other benches for use with dumbbells. so plenty of room. except, the boys didn't want to share. they were hovering over equipment they weren't using because, well, they didn't want to share. finally jenn & i spotted a free bench. someone had left plates still on it, but that was fine, we're strong chicas & we can de-plate & replace a barbell. except...

WHILE jenn was removing a plate from the left side this skinny-ass boy in a pair of scruffy looking hospital green scrub pants came up & put a plate on the right side & basically glared us down.

& that's when we left the Y.

it's not like we were looking for a hand out or anything. but we wanted one bench, to share, to lift some weights. & the mean boys wouldn't let us play. the bastards.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

cause of death: philanthropy

this is a few days late, but to be honest, i haven't really had the energy to even attempt a blog until today. on sunday jenn & i walked eight miles to raise money for the march of dimes, an organization that does research to find the causes of premature birth & assist parents of preemies. & with both tina & sinead "in the family way" it seemed like a pretty dang good cause. walking for babies & all that jazz.

now, as naive as this may sound, when i set off on this great adventure i kind of had no clue exactly how long eight miles would really be. yes, you may hum eminem if you must. i knew intellectually, but i didn't really take into account how that distance would feel to my body. i've been working out pretty hard with jenn & then training with riley. not necessarily recently, but semi recently. & i am so much stronger now than i was even back in december. & i do have more endurance & stamina. but, not so much for a long distance walk.

i will give a piece of free advice to anyone out there planning to do a charity walk of any kind: in your preparation, actually walk. i know it may seem kind of obvious & silly, but yours truly sorta forgot this little detail. & my advice would be walk for your training. yeah, i know that is something that you would THINK is obvious, but for some reason it never really blipped across my radar. i was hitting the weight training hard with riley, pushing myself with that. doing interval training on the elliptical & the gazelle-ish machine, but no walks. i mean, not like i dragged myself everywhere, of course i did the normal day to day walking, but no increase in my walking. & while being able to leg press 240lbs is a great accomplishment, that doesn't help in a long walk as much as you would think.


the way the walk was set up we went half way around lake of the isles, & that's where the two paths diverged. jenn-jenn & i could've continued going around lake of the isles for the five mile walk (which is a pretty healthy distance) or veer off to the right, down a path under a bridge & go around lake calhoun & then finish going around lake of the isles which was the eight mile path (also known as jesus-bobby-i-want-to-die) by the time we got to the fork in the road, so to speak, i was one hurting unit. like i said previously, i really wasn't in shape for this. (ya, i know round is a shape, but i wasn't able to roll around the lakes.)

my back had started hurting within about ten minutes of the walk due to the three liters of water in my camel back along with the snacks that i packed (cause a fat girl can't take a walk without food, duh. jesus bobby) & then there were the hills. omg. i did NOT sign up for hills. at least, i don't think i did. & so in addition to the pain in my back my shins were killing me also. & i was sweating like a pig. & i had lost my sunglasses clips & didn't have any contacts, so i was doing all this in the bright sun with no protective eye wear. the only thing i did have going for me is that my pale self was covered in a nice think lacquer of spf 60+, basically the strongest sunscreen i could find.

while i'm sure she was hurting too, jenn didn't really say much about hurting or being in pain. &, to brag just a tad, even though i was in pain, i didn't bitch much at all. & when jenn looked at me & asked if i was sure if i was ok i told her that "yup, i'll be fine." i knew that complaining wouldn't help me one bit. even if i wanted to whine like a three year old.

so when we got to the point where we had to make a decision between short loop (5mile) & long loop (8mile) jenn left the decision up to me. & i really with all my heart & aching back wanted to slide in with the main pack & finish off the five mile. but then again i had promised the people who sponsored me, my friends, riley, & most of all myself, that i would do the eight mile course. so i pondered this rather quickly while using the porta-potty at the park. i weighed the pros & cons while trying to balance & not touch anything at all in the portable outhouse . it's rather difficult while trying to think & not fall flat on my face or breathe in too deeply. but i did it & came to the conclusion that while everyone else, even miss jenn, would understand if i slunk out of the plastic bathroom & just went around lake of the isles, i would be disappointed in myself if i didn't finish the whole eight mile trek.

& we carried on.

i won't pretend that this is any kind of hollywood ending. i didn't catch a second wind & wind up jogging my way back to the starting camp with a huge smile on my face. i dragged my feet. by the end i was actually literally dragging my feet, shuffling along the sidewalk because i had lost most of the feeling in my legs, which was good because i wasn't able to feel the blisters forming on my feet. i was severely tempted at one point to call for help. the conversation went something like this:

"i want to call an ambulance!"
"no, you're not calling an ambulance, keep walking,"
jenn said over her shoulder, about ten feet in front of me.
we then heard a siren & my ears perked up like a cat hearing a can of tasty feast open.
"no, that's not your ambulance, keep walking."

right after that the bus pulled up. no, not an ambulance, but a real actual school bus. they had a shuttle service to drive people back who couldn't finish the walk. they saw jenn & i & pulled over asking if we wanted a ride.

once again i had an inner dilemma, sorta like the porta-potty soul searching except i wasn't bare-assed & trying to pretend i was somewhere else. the driver opened the door & asked jenn & i if we wanted a ride. & jenn didn't say anything, she just looked at me leaving me, once again, to decide. & while i really wanted to drag myself up those steps & flop onto the sticky-hot vinyl seat for the bumpy ride back, i found myself saying "no thank you, we'll walk."

i think i was delirious from pain. & we did actually finish the walk. all on our own. both standing up right. i wasn't walking well when i got home sunday night after the walk. & have only regained the ability to walk somewhat normally as of wednesday afternoon, but it was worth it. i am proud of what i accomplished.

& it was fun too. jenn cracks me up. & besides that, walking around lake calhoun is a great way to people watch! & it's not true: they do come out during the day *grins*

the two best lines of the day were also both provided by miss jenn toward the end of our walk:

(as we're nearing the starting area) i wonder if they have a beer garden?

(sitting in my car post walk eating lunch) it must have been hard to be jesus {pause} cause he walked a lot. . . .think any body gave him a sandwich after?

weight update

so i weighed myself in on monday as per the usual, & then just cause i'm obsessively like that i've been weighing myself every morning. now my goal was to get through the 240's in april. on monday, the last possible day in april my weight was 250. d'oh! couldn't even make it into the 240's in april. yeah, i did take a profanity break monday before i came to work. i also threw a fairly nice little tantrum hoping to hop off a half pound or such luck.

BUT then i weighed myself this morning & ta-da, 249.2. yeah, i did a happy dance. then hopped on the scale again, & the happy dance didn't make a difference, but STILL in the 240's! & this is on my heavy be honest my light scale has been saying the 240's since monday, but i haven't been "official" on that scale yet.

so let me put up my tickety-ticker(& seriously, how cool is that? just a little over halfway through to my goal) :