Wednesday, June 27, 2007

someday, someday

so, i'm not normally one to forward emails. as all of my friends can attest to. i don't believe that a swarm of killer bees will descend upon my house & give me the plague if i don't send every chain letter to my closest fifty email friends. this one, i did forward. to a couple of people that i thought could really benefit from it.

& i ran across it again today when going through my email. i have no clue who wrote it, or when, but i'm posting it here because i think it's important for me to remember. & for everyone to remember.

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package: "This", he said "isn't any ordinary package." He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on and was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it." He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing's he was taking to the funeral house.

His wife had just died.

He turned to me and said,"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion."

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family and less at work.
I understand that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day.

I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning. This nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters that I wanted to write.. "One of these days".

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brother and sisters, son and daughters, not enough times at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives.

And on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it "One of these days" , remember that "One day" is far away... or may never come.

It holds useful messages for the soul.


Sunday, June 17, 2007

the twin theory: minnesota beckah vs cali beckah

i've known this for a while, but reallly have two distinct sides to my personality. this is something that i just vocalized for the first time to whitney on thursday though. ok, well, vocalized & actually processed what i was saying, on thursday. i have minnesota beckah, and cali beckah. the person that i am when i'm in minnesota is very different from the person i am when i'm in cali. it isn't even necessarily that it has to do with real life versus vacation. there is a small element, i'm sure, to the fact that when i'm in cali it ISN'T my normal life, my normal routine, or all of the normal things that i have weighing me down. but it's much more than that. when i'm in cali i feel like i'm given the freedom to be whoever i want to be, without judgement.

don't get me wrong, i love my friends & family VERY very much. it's not that i don't love them at all. but when i'm in minnesota i feel this oppressive judgement no matter what i seem to do. i will throw a disclaimer in here that it is not ALL of my family & friends make me feel that way, but enough of them do that it is a very mentally & emotionally unhealthy atmosphere for me.

if i was left to my own devices i would be much more of a hippie than i currently am; i'd live my life in a more bohemian way. what i mean by that is that i enjoy surrounding myself by artists, writers, musicians. by people who don't necessarily subscribe to the middle class middle of the road lifestyle that seems to be surrounding me lately. not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's the kind of person that you are. for me, it's not who i am. & i almost can't breathe when i imagine my life taking that kind of a path.

& i'm afraid. afraid that if i stay in minnesota, & keep doing the same things i'm doing, day after day, that all of a sudden another ten, fifteen years, will pass & i won't have anything that i'm proud of to show for that passage of time. right now i'm very ashamed & embarrassed about the way that my life has gone thus far. i know that i've learned a lot through the things that i've done, but it's still frustrating.

nearly three years ago, i did something that changed my life. something that was so scary, so foreign, & so completely out there for anyone in my family, but it made an incredible change in me. i went to burning man. this is something that i talk about a lot, but in a way, i don't talk about at all. the thing about burning man is, you can't ever really adequately explain it to someone that's never been there. you can do your best, show them pictures, send them website links, but it's no substitute at all for the actual experience of burning man. it's also kind of like vegas in that there's a code about burning man, in a way, what happens on the playa stays on the playa. it's an odd dichotomy, to say the least.

but i was scared out of my mind to go. really kind of fearful i'd die. but, something amazing happened. not only did i NOT die in the nevada desert. but i actually THRIVED as a person. it was like plucking me up out of minnesota, shaking that midwestern shame off me & plopping me down in the desert was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me in my life. i came back focused & loving my life. trying to just make the most of every single minute. i was so in awe of everything! & then, well. i'm not going to dwell on what happened then.

it'll suffice to say that instead of wasting seven years of my life learning a lesson, i did it in two. so my learning curve is getting better. but i won't dwell on the past.

& so now. now. NOW i need to take a look at my future,figure out what i want, how i'm going to get it & then go after it. that's all there is to it. really. i also need to figure out how to reconcile the twins. i'm not happy as minnesota beckah. but i think she has good qualities that i wouldn't want to totally abandon. somehow i'm going to need to combine the two & reconcile this to one happy medium.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

my sister: the prophet

the morning after my 30th birthday & i'm still alive & kicking. but in just a wee bit of pain. i had thought my sister was kind of being a smart ass telling me not to do anything stupid, as it turns out, i think she was being prophetic.

yesterday dev was a total sweetheart & loaned me his convertible for my birthday. all i can say about that car is: O-MY-GOD i'm in love! it's this zippy little nisson in a deep metallic blue. & goddamn that little fucker is fast! a girl could get in trouble driving a car like that every day. but, then again, i also definitely see myself owning a nice little sports car like that myself one day. something like my saturn with just a few more ponies under the hood *winks*

now, even though i am a quarter indian, for some reason those genes have receded from my skin & left nothing but the whitiest of the white to control my skin tone: german, polish & norwegian. yeah, i know, i have no hope. i'm a pretty white white girl. & that's something that somehow i completely forget when i got into dev's car yesterday & made the 60 mile drive north from campbell to pleasant hill. i was basically just in the car with the top down for an hour. which, should be no big thang, right? uh, well, not quite.

& here's the saddest part of the entire thing. when i was getting ready to leave dev's apartment i thought that i should put a little sun screen on my arms & face, but then i got distracted & thought "well, it'll just be an hour, i should be fine." *shakes my head* not a good idea. a really not good idea. i showed up at final sin to get my tattoo & my shoulders were pretty pink. which was fine for the left one because i've had that tat for a year & it's healed up. but for my right one, the place of my new tattoo, the sunburn was not such a great thing. & this tattoo took the longest of all three, i was in the chair for 6 hours. getting tattooed on top of a sun burn. jesus bobby. i'll be completly honest, it was the most painful of the three. even today the burned areas sting a little bit, but aren't too bad. but my tat is more than a bit sore.

tasha didn't say anything about the burn having a negative effect on my tattoo. she's a really talented artist & i know that if she would have thought it wasn't a good idea for me to get the tattoo she would have told me. because if my tattoo doesn't turn out well it also reflects negatively on her. well, not exactly, but if it doesn't turn out well it's not good advertising, if that makes any sense. so far my fairie is looking pretty good. a little scabbed over, oozing just a bit, but my other two did the same thing.

but, i will say that i have learned a very valuable lesson, in that i need to slather myself in sunscreen any time i'm going to be out in the sun at all. not like anyone actually ENJOYS a sunburn, but i really really REALLY hate it. hopefully it'll start healing very quickly so then i'll just have to worry about the mild discomfort of a new tattoo. the slight pulling & itching. it will be about a month or so before it, my tattoo, starts healing enough for me to be able to tell if there's going to be any issues with the design due to the burn.

ok, so yeah, i know what stupid is

PS: i missed noting the one year anniversary of my blog, but this is the 200th post. so thanks for being with me & here's to a long future. CHEERS! *glass clink*

Friday, June 15, 2007

don't do anything stupid

those were the words of wisdom my sister gave me when i said good-bye to her tuesday night after she came over for our pre-birthday/pre-father's day dinner at my parents house. & at first i just gave her a hug, laughed, told her i loved her & no i wouldn't do anything stupid.

then, about 12 hrs later, as a i was leaving for work wednesday morning i thought "hey, HEY, what does she mean by don't do anything stupid? it's my 30th birthday & i'm going to cali, what the HE-ELL can she mean by THAT?!" & i'll be totally honest, i'm still not sure exactly what she means by that because, well, every one's definition of stupid is different.

i am definitely a little bit different than the rest of my family. i'm the one with the tattoos & the piercings. i'm the "whimsical" one who has the big ideas & grand plans & wants more than just middle class middle of the road mediocrity. i won't say that i'm exactly the black sheep. because they don't ostracize me for being different. they don't mock me (well, most of the time) & they don't shun me. so i definitely don't have the whole black sheep syndrome going on here. it's more like, i'm that blonde chick in the original adams family. a little bit different, but still one of the gang. except she was the "normal" one & the family were the "freaks" in main stream society & it's just flip-flopped.

NOW, if by stupid my sister meant getting tattooed again. then yes, i am being stupid. it's just after ten am here in cali & i'll be leaving my friend dev's apartment in about an hour to head up to pleasant hill to final sin body modification to get my third tattoo from the wonderfully talented tasha. for those of you who have been IN-THE-KNOW on my tat so far, the design has been switched up a little bit, but it's WICKED awesome & very perfect for me. i'll get some pics posted on my blog once i get home to minnesota. i forgot my camera chord at home so i can't upload my pics. which is a bit of a bummer, but i'll get over it because it's still at home & i can still get the pics loaded once i'm back there on monday.

& then, well, tonight i'm going to a party here in cali. i'll say more about it tomorrow. for now i'm not saying much of anything except, well, it should be an interesting time to say the least. i have my mini skirt & my fishnets. i'll have a brand-new tattoo & things'll be grande.

one final note: 30 years ago today, at just after 7pm CST in the small town of linton north dakota, i was born on a muggy june night, the umbilical chord wrapped around my little neck, & that's what started it all gang.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

j-boys & addicts need not apply

my 30th birthday is just three days away & it has me in a contemplative mood. well, contemplative when i'm not ready to throw a first class hissy fit that is, more about said hissy later on. & one thing that i've been saying for a while, but realized is really really true, is that there are some people that are just plain poison to me. they're like kryptonite to superman, a sports car to james dean, mcdonald's to president clinton, speedball to river phoenix, & so on. the people i'm talking about are j-boys & addicts.

the addicts part is pretty self explanatory, but let me expound on the j-boys part. simply put, j-boys are any male who's name starts with the letter j. once again, pretty simple. for some reason i seem to attract both of these, most often combined into one person. & it winds up being a very bad thing for me.

like my friend sinead says: "beckah, you have the broken arrow syndrome. you want to fix all the broken arrows out there, and you just can't." & even though she been saying this to me, oh, about three years now, ever since we met basically, i think it's finally sinking in. yeah, i know, i'm a slow learner at times. & it's not that i didn't KNOW what she said, or ignored it completely. i agree with her wholeheartedly that i do exactly that. i try to fix people, fix their problems. i don't know, maybe i feel like if i can help someone else out & fix THEM it'll fix whatever happens to be wrong in my life. & that's a problem.

i know that i personally have an addictive personality. anyone who has been in my life through one of my video game fits (super mario, star fox, & WoW to name a few) knows that when i get hooked on something i like it's a scary scene. i am working on funneling that energy into a good addiction, like healthy eating & exercise. & i'm sorta kinda getting there. but two addicts together is not at all good. i have a bad feeling about that one.

& the j-boys. *sighs* what can i say about them? for me, they're just straight up poison. there's nothing else i can say to that. i am planning on getting a past life regression done later this summer, some time this year at the absolute outside. & i'm kind of wondering if there is something in one of my past lives. or, i don't know. there is SOMETHING in me that keeps attracting these guys that are no good for me!

& FOR THE RECORD: i am not one of those chicks who blames all of her problems on men. because, i take full responsibility for the fact that i get myself into these relationships. i allow myself to be taken advantage of men, um, well, men is over stating, BOYS that don't seem to want to grow up & be responsible adults. instead they'd rather suck the life, soul, & light out of someone who is dumb enough to care about them. & even though that does sound bitter, i think that all of my real life friends would agree that my previous statement is very true.

so, to sum up: if you're a boy & your name starts with j, i'm not interested. same is true if you are a current or former, drug addict or alcoholic, cause i can't deal with that shit.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

you really can't take me anywhere

week before last, thursday to be exact, jenn & i had hit the Y to try to get back into the tuesday/thursday girl swing of things. which basically means actually going to the gym four or more days a week, eating healthy, & lifting weights. ya know, the TTG* way of life. our gym return was less than triumphant. we did some upper body stuff, some time on the ellipticals & then we were done. so over the Y for the night. this was post the mean boys at the gym, but we were still trying.

i was getting ready to drive jenn home & offered her some crack, er, mcdonald's ice cream. we have developed this VERY bad habbit of going to mcdonald's for one of their ice cream cones. per jenn they are about 150 calories per cone if made according to the corporate specifications. & now it's almost kind of like pavlov's dogs: i leave the Y & i want a mcdonald's ice cream. i can even tell you how much two cones cost, with tax, at the plymouth mickey d's. $2.13.

but me & my crack, er, cone habit, are not the point of the story. the point is the absurd things that happen when i'm allowed to go out in public. so jenn wanted to get a salad when we went to mcdonald's because she didn't have anything to eat at home, er, nothing that was semi healthy. which, depending on the dressing one chooses, the mcdonald's salads are not terribly bad for human consumption.

so we roll through the drive through & order two ice cream cones & a salad, their new south western salad or whatever it's called. so we get to the drive through window, & we're in my saturn so we're riding pretty low to the ground. the guy hands us jenn's salad, then the two cones & goes away. jenn checks the salad & they gave her whatever the dressing is that matches up with that salad, & it had about a billion calories in the package. & she wanted a low fat dressing. so she & i both turn to our left & stare up into the drive through window. & we sit. & we stare. finally the guy turns around, looks startled, & then comes over to the window.

"uh, can i help you?" the mcdonald's dude asked.
"yeah, do you have any light or low fat dressing?" i asked while taking a lick of my ice cream cone.
"yeah we have a balsamic vinaigrette and, uh, yeah, that's it," obviously confused & disjointed.
"can we have the vinaigrette?" i flashed my dimples.
"one minute." he disappeared momentarily, the drive through window snapping shut.
as soon as his back was turned and the window shut, jenn pipes up, "yes, yes i did just order ice cream & i'm asking for light dressing with my salad."

if my life were a movie jenn would have actually said her comment to the drive through dude, as it was, she just said it to me, but it was still pretty hilarious none the less.

*tuesday/thursday girl AKA TTG is my own creation, don't swipe it or i'll beat you severely with wet spaghetti noodles. & trust me, if anyone knows how to inflict pain with pasta it's a fat girl