i've known this for a while, but reallly have two distinct sides to my personality. this is something that i just vocalized for the first time to whitney on thursday though. ok, well, vocalized & actually processed what i was saying, on thursday. i have minnesota beckah, and cali beckah. the person that i am when i'm in minnesota is very different from the person i am when i'm in cali. it isn't even necessarily that it has to do with real life versus vacation. there is a small element, i'm sure, to the fact that when i'm in cali it ISN'T my normal life, my normal routine, or all of the normal things that i have weighing me down. but it's much more than that. when i'm in cali i feel like i'm given the freedom to be whoever i want to be, without judgement.
don't get me wrong, i love my friends & family VERY very much. it's not that i don't love them at all. but when i'm in minnesota i feel this oppressive judgement no matter what i seem to do. i will throw a disclaimer in here that it is not ALL of my family & friends make me feel that way, but enough of them do that it is a very mentally & emotionally unhealthy atmosphere for me.
if i was left to my own devices i would be much more of a hippie than i currently am; i'd live my life in a more bohemian way. what i mean by that is that i enjoy surrounding myself by artists, writers, musicians. by people who don't necessarily subscribe to the middle class middle of the road lifestyle that seems to be surrounding me lately. not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's the kind of person that you are. for me, it's not who i am. & i almost can't breathe when i imagine my life taking that kind of a path.
& i'm afraid. afraid that if i stay in minnesota, & keep doing the same things i'm doing, day after day, that all of a sudden another ten, fifteen years, will pass & i won't have anything that i'm proud of to show for that passage of time. right now i'm very ashamed & embarrassed about the way that my life has gone thus far. i know that i've learned a lot through the things that i've done, but it's still frustrating.
nearly three years ago, i did something that changed my life. something that was so scary, so foreign, & so completely out there for anyone in my family, but it made an incredible change in me. i went to burning man. this is something that i talk about a lot, but in a way, i don't talk about at all. the thing about burning man is, you can't ever really adequately explain it to someone that's never been there. you can do your best, show them pictures, send them website links, but it's no substitute at all for the actual experience of burning man. it's also kind of like vegas in that there's a code about burning man, in a way, what happens on the playa stays on the playa. it's an odd dichotomy, to say the least.
but i was scared out of my mind to go. really kind of fearful i'd die. but, something amazing happened. not only did i NOT die in the nevada desert. but i actually THRIVED as a person. it was like plucking me up out of minnesota, shaking that midwestern shame off me & plopping me down in the desert was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me in my life. i came back focused & loving my life. trying to just make the most of every single minute. i was so in awe of everything! & then, well. i'm not going to dwell on what happened then.
it'll suffice to say that instead of wasting seven years of my life learning a lesson, i did it in two. so my learning curve is getting better. but i won't dwell on the past.
& so now. now. NOW i need to take a look at my future,figure out what i want, how i'm going to get it & then go after it. that's all there is to it. really. i also need to figure out how to reconcile the twins. i'm not happy as minnesota beckah. but i think she has good qualities that i wouldn't want to totally abandon. somehow i'm going to need to combine the two & reconcile this to one happy medium.