Monday, August 20, 2007

thought of the week

welcome to a new feature here in my corner of blogsphere: thought/quote of the week. over the past few days i've been listening to the wildbirds golden daze quite a bit, as evidenced by my recent blog. & i've been doing a lot of thinking. one thing i realized is that very often a day, or a week, or even a phase, of my life is framed by the music, books, or movies that i am immersed with, & very often a quote that takes on special meaning to me. so i've decided to share the love (& the voices in my head) by posting a quote a week along with my personal musings. because of my recent infatuation with the wildbirds, the quote of the week for this first week is from their song "slow down," which is currently one of my favorites on the album.
hold on, this ain't gonna be easy
slow down, you've been moving too fast
~the wild birds~ golden daze
lately i do feel as if i've been moving at warp speed. i've been flitting from one thing to the next like a freakin hummingbird, not taking time to settle & do any one thing with the intensity or voracity to which i think is required. i do know quite a few people that seem to thrive on that kind of momentum (my sis, my dad, & the fabulous dev to name three). & while i do sometimes thrive on stress & the rush of the adrenaline & i push myself to do just one more thing, just one more mile, just one more book, just one more blog, just one more errand, before the sun sets again. it wears on me at the same time. i think even the above trio of speed would agree that sometimes a person needs to stop, take a deep breath, & re-evaluate. that's the place that i'm at right now, trying to put the brakes on without tripping or crashing into a tree so that i can stop, take stock of where i find myself.
right now i'm trying to do some major things all at once. i'm trying to (once again) lose weight, get back into my fanatical (some might say) work out routine, & finish my master degree with not one but TWO thesis (yeah, i'll admit that one is pretty mother effin psychotic). any one of those things would drive a normal person insane. but i'm doing it while living in st. paul, working in minnetonka (read 21.2 miles each way) & actually working two jobs, not just one. now i'm not asking for a pity party (but if i WERE to ask for one, would you come? bring me a pressie wrapped in a pink bow? we'd have punch & pie. . .cause more people will come if we have punch & pie ).
thankfully losing weight goes very well with my fanatical workout schedule, so once i find my exercise mojo i'll be in like flynn. & by fanatical i mean that i was working out a minimum of two hours a day, every day of the week, a combination of yoga/pilates & cardio/weight lifting. this was back in spring of 2005. granted, when i was working out that much i was taking one class & only working part time (read 24 hours every other week). so working out that much was no thang. it kept me out of trouble & off the streets. & you know what happens when poets are allowed to run the streets wild. there's nothing worse than poets run amok, it's like girls gone wild meets sylvia plath, without the oven, but with the booze. true story.
the two thesis, well, even in a perfect world that is no small task. once again, not asking for a pity party, jus statin' da facts mac. i will readily admit that doing a book of poetry & a novel would be MUCH easier if i was only working part time again, ah those days of minimal work hours! & if i didn't live so far away from work. & if i wasn't trying to lose an olson twin (there will be a future blog on this subject, stay tuned!) but that's not the case. & i am by no means bound to finish both projects. hamline did not require me to sign anything in blood (i was grandfathered in before they started doing that for thesis candidates). by now it's a matter of pride. i've told everyone & their grandmother that i'm doing two projects for my thesis. my parents, especially my mom, have been bragging me up to anyone who will listen, & several people who really didn't want to listen. & i feel like i would be a colossal failure if i gave up on this. to their credit, my advisers at hamline have been very supportive of me no matter what i want to do, although, i have been given that look that says "say what?! you crazy wench!" which i totally deserve. cause here's the dirty little secret: it doesn't affect my actual degree in the slightest if i finish two masters projects or if i decide i'm satisfied with just one. one is all that's required. the WORST part gang, is that i have enough poems that i could finish my poetry book & be done with everything by december & all set to graduate (read walk) in may. *eye roll* i know. completely idiotic. i should just "finish the book of poetry & be the feck done with it" to quote miss sinead.
but, hrm, i went into this program saying i wanted to write fiction, that i want to be a novelist. & i really feel that i NEED to finish the novel for my own soul. there is something inside me (once again, those voices) that says if i don't finish a novel now, i may never finish one. & i know that i have it in me. i just KNOW it. i love my poetry too, my poems are like my babies, little pieces of me that i send out into the world to make their way & revolutionize society. but a novel, the thought of a novel feels bigger, more substantial, a novel has heft to it. even though it is most certainly NOT true, i sometimes get the feeling that the thought runs rampant that anyone if they have a general grasp of written language & the ability to rhyme can write poetry. for the record i strongly assert that is more definitely NOT the case. just because you can make cart & fart rhyme does not mean that you are compelled to do so & call it poetry. yes i'm kind of a snob when it comes to writing, i never deliberately hurt anyone's feelings, but that's just the way i feel. i won't apologize for it. but, writing a novel, that's something that takes time & dedication to finish, even a crap novel is an accomplishment of sorts. yes yes, twisted logic, i know.
& while i have a lot that i want to get done, that i feel like i need to get done, i also feel that going at a frantic pace every day of the week is not going to bring me any kind of lasting joy, satisfaction, or enjoyment. so here we go, *deep breath* cause really,  hold on, this ain't gonna be easy. slow down, you've been moving too fast true story. & while toys, gadgets, & status are really nice amenities to life, how can you enjoy the journey if you never go anywhere?

1 comment:

Suburban Witch said...

where's your blog of the week for THIS week, huh, huh, huh? :D