Monday, September 03, 2007

thought of the week: september 2-8

and i don't know, this could break my heart or save me, nothing's real until you let go completely, so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving, so here i go with all my fears weighing on me. three months and i'm still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
~kelly clarkson, sober, my december

yes, we're on a kick with the song lyrics. & i thought briefly about not doing lyrics just because i used them last week & the week before, but this is another song that i've been listening to a lot lately & has taken on special meaning to me.

right now i am in that transition place. a year ago on this exact date i was engaged, planning my wedding, i had my wedding dress on order & was freaking out because i had to find another bride's maid since i all of a sudden had four boys & three girls lined up for the wedding. now i'm single & so much happier, like night & day between the two. i have a gorgeous wedding dress hanging in my parents' house. i have my own apartment & i'm actually getting along with my parents again.

i have gotten rid of a lot of elements in my life that were strangling me, keeping out the sun from my heart. the biggest is that not only did i break off my engagement, i broke off the relationship, & i haven't spoken to my ex in a couple of months now. he owes me money & so he's avoiding me. & for my part, i'm trying to surround myself with positive uplifting people & he is very negative & so i want absolutely no part of that kind of state of mind. i have decided that instead of being upset about the money he owes me & will not pay back, i see it as a small price to pay for a very valuable life lesson.

it can be lonely, going from a relationship to being single again. especially when two of my best friends are not only happily married, but just gave birth to beautiful baby boys in the past month. & there is a small part of me that is sometimes afraid that maybe i won't find that one person that i want to spend my life with. the one person that makes me trust them completely & unequivocally with my heart & soul. & it was one of the hardest things ever, to say that "yes, i've made a mistake, yes i need to call this off, i cannot marry this person, i will not spend the rest of my life with them." i am still very happy that i did not get married, but it's still one of those tough things, to admit on such a large scale that you were wrong. to have to face everyone in your life saying, "i made a huge mistake, but i'm fixing it."

even though it can be lonely at times, i'm enjoying my year of freedom, my year of being selfish & doing what i want to do. last night i stayed out until after 4am because i was having fun with my friends & i wanted to stay out that late. & i'm not willing to just jump into another relationship just because some nights it sucks being alone. i would rather do what i'm doing now, loving life & enjoying myself alone, than compromise who i am for the sake of being able to say that i have a boyfriend.

this song is one that is not only beautiful, but makes me remember why i am doing all of this. i'm stumbling along a bit, i have my tough days, but i'm getting there. each day it's a little bit easier, & each day i learn something more about myself that i didn't know before. the song also reaffirms something that i've been saying for the last nine or ten months, that i need to surround myself with positive people with beautiful souls. in my life i really have picked the weeds & kept the flowers.

it's hard at times, cutting people out of your life that are negative, that you realize are dragging you down. there are a few people that i have not been able to completely cut out simply because of the fact that they are related to me, but i have been fairly successful at, mostly, cutting down the time spent with those people. this is something that i have learned in the past: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they are poison to you & so you need to distance yourself in order to keep living every day.

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