Monday, September 10, 2007

thought of the week september 9-15th

the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
miss jenn, text message, june 18th, 2006 (from "if i am" by nine days)

there are definitely some song lyrics that have been borrowing their way into my head recently, especially jimmy eat world & spill canvas, but, this quote from the fabulous miss jenn seemed the most apropos to my state of mind today, &, as it turns out, she was quoting me song lyrics *winks*.

as i was cleaning out my cell text messages i found this one that i've had saved for well over a year now & i realized that it is SO true. which is part of the infuriating beauty that is this thing we call life. it is also reminiscent of that lovely old adage "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or "man plans, god laughs." except, this is a little sweeter, gives us a little more credit in the script writing of this crazy play.

my life today is nothing that i would have guessed or planned when i was younger. do i regret that? it really is hard to regret or morn something that you never had in the first place. what i can say, is, even though lately it occurs to me: what a long, strange trip it's been (yes, i did sneak some more song lyrics in *winks* can you id the artist?) i kind of like the place that i'm at right now.

i won't even lie & say that if i could go back & do it all again that i'd do it the same way. cause i can't say that i would. i do love the person that i am & the people that are in my life. i am friends with some of the best people in the world. the universe even. & i guess if i was told that changing everything would mean i wouldn't have them in my life, THEN i may reconsider. but, there is a selfish part of me that wishes i could change some things about my past. the events that still cut like fresh wounds. the ones that have scarred, but never really healed. that sometimes still haunt me in restless nights.

the flip side of that thought is that, aside from losing the wonderful people in my life, i would most likely not be the same person if i were able to erase those painful parts of my past. i have honestly tried to learn from everything in my life. & what i've learned is so much greater than the sum of those individual lessons. does that really mean i'd do it the same all over again? i still don't know.

so i keep fumbling & doing my best to not repeat the same stupid mistakes of my past. but i've also stopped dwelling on those mistakes. & every day i try to ignore the itching & throbbing of those old scars. i pay enough attention so i don't have to go through that again, but not so much attention that i'm not able to look forward. focusing too much on past misdeeds is a sure way to never move forward.

even at this exact moment i'm making it up as i go along. i'm starting another class tonight at school, even though i probably have enough credits for two masters degrees. trying once again to finally finish my damn novel. finally get my masters completed & move on with my life. not that i don't love school, because i really do, but as i was headed home from work last night at the group home i realized, i'm over school. & i'm ready to be done with it.

does that mean that i'll never go back. uh, yeah, probably not. i love learned way too much, & i'll most likely eventually go for a phd so i can legitimately have people call me doctor. *winks* i also may wind up taking guitar lessons just to jump start my re-learning the guitar goal (since i'm almost a third through my 1001 days & i still haven't made any progress in that direction).

maybe that's what makes some people more "successful" than others. their ability to adapt. which, also brings to mind, the saying "it's not a sin to fall, it's a sin to stay down." i'm definitely not staying down, because that's just ludicrous, not as in the rapper. & totally a waste of time, to spend your time wallowing in the dirt because things aren't going the way you planned. so, i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down (name those lyrics & artist).

as always, from the dark side of the moon, with much love, beckah.

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