Sunday, October 28, 2007

thought of the week: october 28-november 3

and i say oh...seems like i'm always on my own, seems like i'm never coming home, seems like i'm always on my...ohhhhhhh, all the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...
~augustana, stars and boulevards, all the stars and boulevards

there are some days that end & i think to myself, that i really wish i could get a do over because i feel that i didn't do myself right by the end of it. today, is one of those days. ok, well, maybe not TECHNICALLY today, cause it's technically 4am on sunday & i haven't really done enough to royally fuck up the day.

but saturday. for saturday i wish i could have a do over.

not that anything significant really happened: good or bad. but i just got home & realized that when all was said & done, the checks measured against the balances, everything weighed out & measured: i really did myself a disservice. the exact details are not even really that important, so i won't even mention them, but the general tone & over arching path of the night are what is the important part. & what happened was, once again, in the end i acquiesced to someone else's wishes & gave up too easily on what i wanted to do, what was the best for me.

like i said previously, nothing bad happened, nothing good either. but i don't feel good about the path of the events of my night. i allowed myself to be persuaded from my plans to do something that, in the end, was not nearly as enjoyable or satisfying, to my mind, as what i could have been doing. of course, i can't say for certain that things would have been better had i stuck to my original plans, but i do feel i wouldn't have this feeling of discontent with myself.

how does augustana & the above lyrics fit in? there are a couple of ways the lyrics fit into this rambling rant. for one, the first actually, is that i was sitting curled up in bed with my lappy & that song was playing on my ipod. & i caught those lyrics as i was listening to my ipod & the tone of the song & the lyrics peaked my attention & i realized the song is doing a great job of mimicking my emotional & mental state right now.

i just suddenly realized how disappointed i am for not following through on my original plan, what i wanted to do, & letting myself be taken along on this ride. & i also realized for me, it's not just the big battles, but the everyday small ones that actually seem to matter the most. & it's those small little issues daily, or every other day, or how ever often they happen, that are the things that will shape the arch of my life the most.

jenn was right when she texted me earlier: i was "not happy" tonight. it's not that i was sad per se, or depressed, or even upset; but i was not happy either. i was at that point where i was not happy, but not really anything else either. a sort of emotional limbo zone. partly because there was something in my brain that knew i would not be ok by the end of the night if i continued on with the way things were, but the feeling wasn't well formed enough for me to vocalize it to jenn, much less to my self.

it's the small things i need to stand up for.

getting glimpses of my home, but i just can't quite get there. it's like which brings me to the second reason for the lyric choice for today's writing. coming home is not just a physical place. it's a mental & emotional state of being. & lately i do feel that i'm on a track & i roll through my home town, but something keeps preventing me from getting off the train, so i see home, i'm there for a moment, & then i'm rolling through it, away from it, having to wait to circle around again to try to hop off the train & finally go home for good.

i guess that's progress, a bit anyway, to start to identify my problem. according to AA, (from what i've been told anyway, i'm not actually in AA), the first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one. this is nothing new either. just different packaging on the same thoughts. except, previously the lament had been mn beckah vs cali beckah, so in a way it's much simpler now. as sinead put it in her comments to me on a previous blog: i've always been both of those people, they're the same person, just different facets, & i'm both all the time always. which means, even while i'm not being true to myself, on nights like tonight, i still have that stubborn girl inside me who is standing with her feet planted, eyes steady & serious, saying: NO, i will do what i want, i will do what's best for me, & you can fuck off if you try to interfere.

this is NOT to say that i am opposed to compromise, because i'm not in anyway opposed to a little give & take. when it's appropriate for the situation. but i can't always be the one to give on what i want. if i am always going to bend the most on my opinions, feelings, plans, everything, then i may have well stayed with TSSOB & i know that's not a place that i would have been ok. i'm smart enough that usually i can tell what issues are worth dying for (to quote my mother).

each day is a new chance to turn it all around again, right? right. so i'm going to bed now, for a while. then, when i wake up. it's my new chance, once again. & i'll keep reminding myself, through every action of my day, that i need to be good to myself & put myself first. because, gods know, if i don't put myself first, no one else is going to. just the rules of the game, fats. & ya can't win the game if ya don't know the rules of the game.

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