Thursday, January 31, 2008

window shopping & the like

yesterday i got the keys to my new apartment, but between the time i left work & the time i was able to pick them up i had some time to spare, so i ran some errands that i haven't been able to get to recently. i actually got quite a bit accomplished. stopped by sports authority, then i got new glasses (i'll post pics later) & i stopped at hot topic to pick up some hair dye.

one thing that struck me at the mall is that VERY soon i'll be able to go there & my choices in where to shop for clothing are going to be so much greater. right now i can shop at lane bryant & torrid. sometimes i can get stuff at department stores like kohl's & sears if i want lovely clothes made from polyester floral prints marketed mainly for the medicare set.

it was an odd sensation to walk out of hot topic with my hair dye in hand, see some cute totally sexy/dirty lingerie & know that a year from now i'll be able to walk in & buy it. how can i wrap my head around that? it's one things to know something in the abstract, the clinical, the academic sense. but it's another to know something physically & literally in the flesh. & i can't know the in the flesh feeling because i'm not there yet.

this morning i had my pre-op education with becki at HCMC. basically she asked me a bunch of questions to help the pre-op nurses with my registration (just stuff like verifying medications, family history, that kind of thing). she gave me a run down on what i can expect the day of my surgery & the next day when i'll be released from the hospital. i was also able to ask her some questions. & i'm very happy that while my nose ring & tongue ring have to come out for the surgery, i can leave in my newest piercings, the ones in my tragus (the little flap of skin right next to your head in the middle of your ear). i was hoping i would get to leave those in because they're the newest ones & not completely healed.

so it's all coming together. my surgery. my move. it's just moving fast, but that's good. if i stand still too long i'll think & over think everything. right now i have SO much to keep my mind occupied (just started my spring semester class tonight too) that i can't worry too about my surgery.

lately i have a million thoughts running through my head every day. & a million emotions too. last week i was pretty upset most of the week. just super over emotional. i was over thinking things too much. freaking out a little bit about the fact that my surgery was just a little over two weeks away. & i was kind of feeling a bit under attack at the time too. i was feeling like some of my close friends were thinking i hadn't done enough before resorting to gastric bypass. & then when i started contacting some of my family on my mom's side they were, um, less than enthusiastic for me. or, at least, that's the way it felt to me.

because this is such a deeply personal & emotional decision, & i'm making it pretty public despite that it's so personal, i also feel very exposed. & so when someone that i really trust & think knows me well enough to know i did this with lots of thought questions my motivations i take it to heart more than i really should.

last week jenn actually told me that she didn't believe that i'd accepted for myself that i was having the surgery. & i did think on that for while. i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much, but i had to ponder this one. & i think at the time, she was right. i was excited & nervous about the surgery, but i had not really accepted it & owned it. & i can't even say why i hadn't. maybe because it all still seemed so unreal? i had really thought i would need to redo the nutritional consultations & even the psych eval. i didn't think i'd be having surgery until closer to may or maybe even june. so i think my head is still spinning a wee bit. but it is slowing down some. with my official move just over 30 hours away & my surgery just TEN DAYS AWAY (because i can't really count the 11th since my surgery is the first one of the day) things are really falling into place.

thought of the week: january 20th-26th

*note: this blog was originally accidentally posted under the title: "thought of the weeek: january 27th-february 2nd"*

she gotta pack much back, so, fellas! (yeah!) fellas! (yeah!), has your girlfriend got the butt? (hell yeah!), tell 'em to shake it! (shake it!) shake it! (shake it!), shake that healthy butt!, baby got back!

~sir mix-a-lot, baby got back

ok, before i lose you all, i know sir mix-a-lot isn't on the top of anyone's thought provoking lyricists list, at least, he's not on the top of mine. but i've been thinking a lot about my body & how it will be changing & i've always had a thing for this song. actually, one of my friends in cali sings this at karaoke & i serve as one of his back up dancers when i'm out there.

now, for people who haven't seen me live & in person, i happen to be one of those white girls blessed with a ghetto booty. or rather, a ghe-tto booh-tay. when i was young, like a teenager i really kind of hated it. then again, i was pretty big & not happy in general with my body. but i've grown to really love the fact that i've got an ass. & a really nice one at that. my butt is made just perfect to fill out a pair of apple bottom jeans.

which got me wondering how my surgery will effect my butt. i know i'll get smaller all over, which is good cause if the rest of me got smaller & my ass stayed THE EXACT SAME i would look pretty frickin weird. but will i still have a nice, thought smaller version, of my ghetto booh-tay? i have to say, i really hope my ass still looks phenomenal in a pair of apple bottoms, because i will be still buying them. they are really nice jeans. i am guessing that because i already have the right body type to support a ghetto booty that i'll keep that post surgery.

maybe i should do some before & after ass shots to post on my blog. hmmm...maybe not. i'll have to think on that one.

Monday, January 28, 2008

the gown is on the other. . . cheek?

tonight after i got off from my full time job i headed out to regions hospital in down town st. paul. one of my residents from the group home had surgery there today. she's ok & it's nothing serious. but i just think it's kind of ironic that two weeks before my own surgery i'm sitting in a hospital watching over someone else who just had surgery.

i've been so self absorbed with getting myself ready for my move, for my surgery, for all the changes that are going on in my life that i haven't really stopped to consider how all of this is impacting the people that i love. for instance, in the space of a week and a half my dad is taking off three days from work for me. one to help me move and one to come to my surgery. my brother had to take two days off. my mom is taking the entire week of my surgery off work to take care of me while i stay at their house.

as i sat visiting with my resident this evening i kept thinking in the back of my head in two weeks i'll be the one in the hospital bed. it'll be my family crowded into the room making nervous inane chatter. it was a very bizarre thought for me. & it's almost like her surgery made things more real for me & my surgery. not like i haven't known that this is all just around the corner, but the closer it gets the more vivid it all becomes. if that makes any sense.

evidently a name tag is in order

these are the names/nicknames that i answer to: rebecca, beckah, becks, beck, becker, beckers, b, jeckah, jecks, becky (but ONLY at the group home), chica, princess, angel, sweetie, hun, honey, goddess, & kitten.

no where in the above list is the name cassie.

so friday night i went out with a friend of mine Q (the name has been changed to protect the innocent, er, the guilty, er, well, to keep the boy from blushing redder than rudolph on christmas eve). so Q is a friend of mine who just so happens to be a boy. & we're pretty good friends. we're sort of friends with some extra benefits. (is everyone reading between the lines here?) ok, so Q & i sometimes get nekkid & have some fun. he's a boy. he's my friend. but he's not a boyfriend.

i had a really rough week last week (more on that to come in a subsequent post), so Q & i went to see a movie & then we just kinda talked. it was really nice being able to hang out & kind of just talk & have someone listen without judging what i was saying or telling me how i should be feeling. like i said, it's been a rough few days, especially the closer my move date & my surgery get.

so at one point we're talking & Q tells me this story about how this other girl that he's seeing (one again, are we all on the same PAGE?) accidentally said, er moaned, someone else's name during a not very cool moment. yeah, awkward. i'll be honest, i felt bad for the boy because that is a horribly sucky & super uncomfortable situation. i'm guessing. i, for one, have never said the wrong name in that kind of position, nor have i been called the wrong name in that situation. so yeah, felt bad for the boy.

a few minutes later i wound up telling him that after the last time we "hung out" i woke up with a really odd bruise that i couldn't figure out how it got there. the conversation went something like this:

Q: do you bruise easily or are you anemic?
me: sometimes i bruise easily, but i'm not anemic.
Q: are you sure it wasn't a hickey?
me (with an eyeroll): it was a bruise. i think i know the difference between a bruise & a hickey.
Q (after a pause clapped his hands & said in a funny voice): i gave cassie a bruise.
me (not really believing my ears): what did you say?
Q: nothing
me: what did you say?
Q: what do you think i said?
me (grasping at straws): um, "i give gas and bruises"?
Q: no
me: what did you say

so this went on for a bit & i'll save you all of the back & forth, but the upshot was, the boy DID INDEED say "i gave cassie a bruise." now, as is evidenced by my name/nickname list above, cassie is not a name i go by. & he did mean to say "i gave beckah a bruise."

yup, kinda a fucker face thing to say considering i'd been an emotional wreck all week & barely resisting the urge to cry most days. & then the fact that i was crying before he picked me up. & at the beginning of the movie (& it was a horror movie for god's sake). but i didn't let him see me crying in the movie. so given how upset i'd been for a while you'd think this would've pushed me straight over the fucking brink & caused me to start really bawling. but it didn't. somehow, all i could do was kinda laugh at the whole thing.

now that doesn't mean that i didn't tease him about it. & here's the debate: Q says it'd be worse if we'd both been semi clothed & he called me the wrong name. i say it's worse when there's no fooling around because at least with fooling around you can claim temporary insanity from ecstasy. fully clothed just talking & no hanky panky at all & there's no excuse.

he asked if it made a difference that he'd just hung out with her recently. i told him nope didn't make a difference or make it better. & my rationale is that he'd been hanging out with me for the past few hours before he called me by the wrong name. so, i'm taking votes, which is worse? to be called the wrong name in the middle of flagrante delecto? or when taking emotional shelter in a friend?

i'm thinking of getting a t-shirt made up, black with hot pink across my tits with my name on it. possibly with glitter. maybe then there won't be confusion? or maybe it's just another way for me to get attention focused on my boobs. only time will tell.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

is it insanity or motivation?

obviously there's a lot going on in my life right now. there's been more flux & change in the last year than in a few of the previous years combined. not that i'm bitching by any means at all. & i DID tell miss jenn that 2007 was going to rock hard core. . . & it did with both of us being promoted & all the other cool things that happened, but i feel like that was just the start of many huge things to happen. & now it's barely into a new year & i'm moving & having surgery & planning to finish my master's degree & actually graduate. . . kinda thinking '08 is going to blow '07 to smithereens in the changes category.

within the next two weeks i'll be moving & having the surgery. which, i know is somewhat insane, even as i sit here typing it i kind of want to say "what the FUCK are you thinking, chica?!" not like i would expect a response or anything. but i also realized that my living situation really is very very unhealthy & it would not be a good place to recover from a major operation. & while i can stay at my parents' house recuperating as long as i want to/need to, i also wouldn't be at ease with doing that because i'd be worried what kind of situation i would face coming back to my apartment.

i'm actually very excited about my new place. it's very close to work. my own space. i can completely have it decorated how ever i want. & it will be clean. i like the clean part. A LOT. i have no clue how i'm going to get all this done in the next few days, but somehow i'll get it done, i always do. more to come later.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

a whole new world, er, wardrobe

i had the weirdest thought occur to me about a week ago. after the surgery i'll be losing weight pretty quickly, which means that i'm going to need to keep getting new clothes, just a piece as a time as needed until i level out. which is pretty much a "well d'uh" statement. & it really *IS* something that i had previously considered quite a bit (i'll get to the weird thought in a bit).

i've been going through my clothes & identifying the ones that are smaller, & of course the ones that are kinda tight & the ones that are just plain too small. taking a basic inventory. i have some gift cards for old navy that i plan on using to supplement my wardrobe as i need new items. i also figure with tshirts i can wear them for quite a while because they're a rather forgiving piece of clothing. so i'll need some new work clothes & then jeans. i'm guessing i'll also make great friends with the local good wills & consignment shops. & then i'll be passing on my clothes that are too big to someone else who could use them.

sounds like i have everything pretty much mapped out, eh? well i do now that i've had my weird thought. one thing i hadn't considered before was panties & bras. i'll definitely be in need of those post surgery. on occasion i've gone commando in the past, i mean, who hasn't? but the going braless thing, that's not something i'm too keen on. especially since one of my newest hobbies is running, it's just not an option.

now i'll be totally upfront & honest here, i really hope my tits don't get too much smaller. band size, sure, but cup size, oh god, please no. i like my boobies. they're not super huge, but they're quite lovely & i'm rather fond of them. they actually used to be quite a bit bigger when i was bigger (of course). totally unrelated to the underwear issue, but i am curious what my boobs will look like a year from now & i'm wondering if i'll want to get plastic surgery on them. only time will tell, eh?

so back to the panty issue. with jeans, skirts, shirts, & all of that i can always give away the clothes that are too big on me to a friend or family member in need. but you really can't give away underwear that's been worn, that's just on the nasty side of life. seriously. & even bras, you really can't just give those to someone. that's one of those things that you just want to buy brand new. seriously, who wants hand-me-down-panties? ew.

what will i do with these extra undergarments? it kinda seems like a waste to throw them out. but then again, they really aren't going to do me any good sitting in my closet. & i'm not going to hang onto my "fat panties" for posterity. i mean it's one thing to stand in one leg of a pair of jeans when you're skinny & it's another to pull out an old thong or bra & say: this used to fit me, let me show you how small i am now in comparison! i guess throwing them out kind of is my only option. unless i can get a creative suggestion for what to do with my soon to be cast aside bras & panties they'll be stuffed in a glad bag & thrown on the curb.

thought of the week: january 13-19th

it just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright, alright. ~jimmy eat world, the middle, bleed american

yes, i know, i've got a thing for jimmy eat world. i admit it. but they really are a fabulous band with just simply amazing lyrics. if you have not heard at least one of their albums i implore you to correct that over sight immediately. yes, i mean immediately. go to best buy, circuit city, cd warehouse, or cheapo, or any place that sells music & pick up something. i actually recommend the album clarity, it's the one jenn gave me for my birthday & it still makes me think every time that i hear it, just really flips my world. . . but i haven't found anything of theirs that i don't like. so go. shoo. get some jimmy. right now.

now that we all have jimmy. . .on with the blog. . .

this is a jimmy song that i actually fell in love with when i first heard it several years ago, but it's only been in the past couple weeks that i actually recalled that i've heard it before. & it's also been within the past couple weeks that i've become obsessed with it. the tempo is really upbeat, but it's listening to the lyrics that's the best part of it.

right now i've been struggling a bit with the overwhelming urge to scream at times. things at work have been pretty hectic because it's january. which, for anyone who doesn't work in the health insurance industry means: hella crazy busy! basically a bunch of people freak out as of the turn of the year about their new health insurance. & the most frustrating part is a lot of them signed up for the plans based on the cost per paycheck & not really actually paying attention to the plan they're signing up for. then with the bull shit at my apartment & having to find a new place , & then the surgery coming up basically right after i move into my new apartment. . . . .it's a lot to take in at one time & a short period of time.

& it's not like i'm really stressed out or depressed or anything. sometimes lately i just want to scream cause i think it may help. like if i could just go somewhere, yell really loudly, it may make the world slow down for a minute. & i do have a lot to be concerned about, but i'm doing my best not to worry, because that does absolutely no good for anyone. for my surgery i picked a wonderful doctor & a really respected hospital. as for my living situation i've found a new place, i'll be moving out of my current one in two weeks, so it's now just a matter of time passing & getting the keys to my new place. so nothing to really worry about there either.

so they lyrics are really right. i'm right in the middle of this whole crazy ride, too far in to go back, but not yet at the end. but i'll be all right in the end. & it's really helping with the surgery thing that i have so much support from my friends & my family. actually that is really helping with the move too. i have some volunteers all ready to brave the hell that is moving in the middle of winter because they love me so much. or they're looking forward to the lunch afterwards. or maybe they're just doing it so later, one day, when they come to me for a favor i will be unable too refuse.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

well i'll be damn gobsmacked

yesterday i told my parents about my surgery. & that was the hardest part of this whole process. not because i'm scared of my parents, but because i was worried about how they would take the news. my parents are kind of "old school" people in that you don't have surgery unless it's absolutely necessary. as in your appendix is going to burst or you have pancreatitus & your gallbladder needs to come out or a tumor needs to be removed. that kind of thing. & when i was going through this process previously they were less than thrilled & considered the surgery a vanity thing & not necessary.

i told my mom in the morning before i went to work at the group home. i'll admit it, i cried a little when i told her. just because i was scared i was going to hurt her. & i try very hard not to ever intentionally inflict harm on someone i love (OK, i actually try never to inflict harm on anyone, even people i'm not so keen on). she was less than pleased when i told her, but her response really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. her exact words were, after a sigh of course:
"well, since you already have it scheduled i guess there's nothing i can do about it."
she also said she can't understand how any surgeon would be willing to do the operation on me & that she just doesn't think i'm that big. which i can see from her point of view since she's known me my whole life she remembers when i was 60 lbs bigger than i am now & a lot less physically fit.

but after a little bit, like ten to fifteen minutes of kinda processing it & thinking it over she went into MOM PLANNING MODE. she started asking me questions about the logistics of my surgery, asked to look at my info from HCMC, & then started planning. really hard core planning. as in where i'll be sleeping when i stay with them for the first couple of days post surgery, getting the time off work to stay with me, even starting to make a preliminary grocery list for me for the food i need pre-surgery & post-surgery.

my mom rocks.

& believe it or not she was the one that i was less worried about telling between my parents. i was really worried about telling my dad. here's the thing about my dad. except for my mom, my siblings, & myself my dad doesn't really have any family. ok, it's not like he crawled under a rock or out of a dickens novel or anything. he technically has family, but they've never BEEN a family to him or for him. they show up when they want money, something he owns, or help moving (basically all in all i don't have many warm fuzzies towards any of his living relatives). because he basically has just his immediate family, he's very protective of us. he tries to do everything in his power, & sometimes things out of his power, to make sure that we're safe & insulted from some of the ugliness of the world.

i was actually in kind of a panic mode most of the night at the group home. because i knew i had to tell my dad, i figured he would NOT take the news well, & i knew that on this one issue even though my mom was supporting me, she didn't agree with the decision & she wouldn't be my wingman on it. yeah, tough thing for a saturday night, eh? but i had to do it because it wouldn't be fair to wait until closer to the surgery, & since my mom knew, my dad had to know.

i'm proud of the fact that i didn't cry when i told my dad. i waited til he & my mom were done watching the ten o'clock news and just said, "on monday february 11th at 7:30am i'm having gastric bypass surgery & i would like you to be there for me." which, btw, hardest thing i've ever had to tell my dad. & i waited. really expecting him to yell or be upset or absolutely forbid it & tell me over his dead body. instead he asked me one question:
"is your doctor recommending this?"
when i told him yes she was & the reasons. that was all he needed. you could have pushed me over with a breath, not even a feather, but a breath. i was, & in a way still am, completely fucking gobsmacked over it. not that i wanted my dad to be upset in anyway, i'm actually really pleased that he's taking this so well, but i'm also kind of shocked still.

then again, people surprise you all the time. so four weeks & counting. & a lot of my fear has subsided now that my parents & my siblings know & are completely supportive of me. because while i love my friends, those are the people that matter most in the world to me. & having them there to hold my hand, watch over me, & just be with me, it makes it all a whole lot less frightening.

news from beckah's world

on monday february 11th i'll be having gastric bypass surgery.

i know i went down this whole surgery path about a year ago, put the brakes on with a squeal that could've shattered glass & said "um, i need a minute." & while i lost about a year as far as weight loss goes, i'm not unhappy that i decided to wait & think it over a bit more. i think that if i would've gone through with the surgery then i may have had some lingering doubts if i did the right thing. & right now i have no doubts.

that doesn't mean i'm not scared. because i am. i'm so damn petrified at times i can barely breathe. but i'm also excited & looking forward to the surgery. & i'm also really curious. because i know what to expect from the medical end. i have pamphlets & hand outs & information galore on possible complications. what i can expect to maybe feel physically post surgery. what i can eat. how much i can eat. & all of that.

i'm trying to wrap my mind around what i may wind up looking like. how i'll feel. how it will feel to lose a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time. i'm going to wind up weighing less than i ever have in my adult life. & that's basically about half my life right now. how do i prepare myself for that? because no matter how much you've thought about something, prepared for it, & considered it from every angle. you can't REALLY know how you're going to feel in any one situation until you're actually there.

but that's where i'm at right now. new apartment in the next few weeks, and then just after that, a surgery. once again, 2008 is a busy year.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

i'll always be a st. paul girl at heart

i'm taking control of my life, doing the adult thing, & moving to a new apartment. i really like my b-r, i'm going to be sad to not see him so often because we really do get along quite well. he's a lot of fun to have as a roommate. & just as a person i get along quite smashingly with him. i will say i think it's unfair that any one boy should be so skinny especially since he eats a lot of pizza. but it's one of those endearing things. just like my sister can tell someone to their face she thinks they're an ugly slut & they think she's joking, even though she's dead serious. it's one of those qualities to admire.

now, it's not that i don't like g-r, i just don't think we should live together. especially with the fact that we work together. (did i mention the fact that i referred her to my place of work? if i didn't, yeah, update, i referred her back in the summer & we now work at the same place). & there are so many things going on at the apartment that i'm just not cool with. BUT. i'm going to be an adult, not talk smack, & just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.

with that said. i found my new place & i'll be heading out to the burbs. i found a nice little place in plymouth, super close to work. it's just the right size for me, not too big, not too small. the perfect place for me to just tuck in & write & do the things i want to do with my life right now. i'll be able to move in february 1st, maybe a little earlier, which is just perfect. i'm hoping for a bit earlier.

once i make a decision about something i'm decided. which is both wonderful because it means that i'm really sure & it sucks because sometimes the rest of the world doesn't move as fast as i would like it to. & then typically in the mean time i've driven all my friends & family crazy with my indecisiveness & waffling on the issue. but i have a really good feeling about this place. it's going to be my very own space. & it'll be nice to not have to deal with someone else in my bathroom, making a mess in the kitchen, someone else's food crowding the fridge or freezer. or just dealing with the fact that someone else is living in the same apartment as me. like i said. it's not ALL bad having a roommate. but i'm ready to try it on my own for a while.

one thing that will take some time to adjust to is living in the suburbs. i realized today on my drive home that i've lived in st. paul for 27 years. i moved here ON my 3rd birthday from a tiny town in north dakota. & since then i've been a city girl through & through. i've lived in 3 houses in st. paul, one dorm, and two apartments. all WITHIN the city limits. before that i lived in the godforsaken middle of fucking nowhere, north dakota (btw, north dakota was not good to my family, so i'm not really a big fan). so for all the time i can remember i've lived in the city & been a city girl.

& i'm wondering how badly i'll miss it. i'm going to love being close to work, i already know that. but there is a lot i really like about the city. at my current apartment there is a 24-7 diner just down the road. & i mean LITERALLY 24-7. they don't even close on christmas. & i know of all these quaint little one of a kind stores. in the suburbs everything is all chains pretty much. there's no little mom & pop joints. . . .or, i haven't found any yet. oh, wait. there is the ham shop near work. but there are 2 of those, so technically kinda a chain.

but my parents still live in st. paul. & they still have custody of my "children" (meaning my 2 cats & my dog. . .i don't have any souvenirs). & there are enough things i like about st. paul that i'll make it a point to go there once every other week or so.

in the mean time, i need to start packing my apartment & sorting my stuff & getting ready for my big move. & other big things happening in my life, which i will update more later. but for now i'm super tired, this is a long posting, & the rest i can't go into explicit detail just yet.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

courage & bravery

a lot is going on right now in my life. not like a lot isn't going on in every one's life, but right now, the past couple weeks, and the next couple months are going to be very hectic. already 2008 has been filled with so many ups & downs i really can't keep track of it, & i'd really rather have the rum without the honey, or the pickled rattlesnake (ok all you movie fans, name THAT obscure reference).

one thing that i want to do, though i didn't officially write it down in my 2008 goals, is to be a braver person. to be more courageous, even when it's tough to do. even when i run a very big risk of getting hurt. it's really easy to put on a bravado when you're fairly confident that whatever you're up against will go your way. but it's a whole lot harder when you're unsure. when you're pretty confident you're going to get hurt. or fail, or whatever the outcome may be. when you're not 100% that you're going to succeed it can be so much harder to put yourself out on the line.

& not even one week into the new year & already this is something that i'm doing in spades. i know i'm being fairly oblique right now, & i'm not doing so purposefully by any means, but there are certain things i'm not yet ready to put into blog-land. & other things that i know i won't be putting into blog land.

& once again, not even one week into the new year & i put myself out on a limb, in a very scary way for me, in a situation that didn't end up the best possible resolution. or, didn't end up the way i had hoped, it still wasn't horrible. & actually i'm happy i did it. of course, not happy things didn't go the way i had been hoping, but in spite of being a bit of a princess, i know that i can't always have things my way.

life is not burger king.

& yeah, disappointment can smart a little. or a lot. more than a mosquito bite, less than a bee sting, maybe? just depending. but i'm also really trying to take my own advice that i put on my blog on the first of : . . . taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. maybe at this exact moment in time i'm still a little too close to really be so fucking philosophical. cause things are still pretty fresh on one front.

but, on the other hand. my dad raised me to bounce back. shake it off. & do my absolute damnedest never to show any weakness. i'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it really just is what it is (& yes the language police will be coming after me for using such a trite overused phrase).

& at the very end of the day i just remember: i'm a writer. it's my passion. my joy. my soul. & anything i encounter: good, bad or indifferent is something i can use later in my novel, or a poem, or in some way to help make me that better at what i do. so it can't be all bad, right? it really is true that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger (if the language police are on their way may as well make it a god one, eh?).

not even a week in & i'm already doing scary brave things. 2008 will be a great year. & you can quote me on that.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

meeting of the minds

they** say that old friends are the best. & it's one of those lessons that is so very true, & yet, very often forgotten. my "old" friends are the ones that i can always count on, & sometimes i think it's easy to forget that in the every day coming & going of regular life. & it's those "old" friends that know me the best. which is great & not always so great. it means that they see through all the bullshit, smoke & mirrors, & can't be faked out. a lot of them knew me from before i even had a driver's permit. & even though they can see behind the OZ curtain to the unglamorous, they still love me & stand by me like no others. it also means that they can make me feel good & laugh like no others.

last night/this morning, i was on the phone with sahara until after 1am. & then we IM-ed for another 30 minutes or so. she's the friend of mine that was born on d-day, just 9 days before me. she's a fellow gemini. & we totally share a brain. as in when we're together we really act as if we share a brain. in high school (GO MINUTEMEN. . .not really, i don't care that much) it was almost freaky. with her living half a country away on the east coast our brains have had to each grow a bit to accommodate for the missing other half, but it's still pretty funny when we're together, especially with us both being geminis, & of two minds anyway.

so we're talking about her maybe coming out to see me in a month or so & i'm asking if she knows how to drive a stick in case she needs to drive my car. & she says yeah, & we're talking about how each car with a standard transmission is different & etc. & i was telling her how my car has the "idiot shifting indicator" to tell the driver when to change gears, & the conversation went a little something like this:

me: but i don't like using it because it tells me to shift at 2,000 rpms & i feel the gears stick, my car wants to wait til more towards 2,500 rpms
sahara: well, do you have a manual?
me: uh, yeah, it's a stick?
sahara: well you should read it
me <----utterly confused at this point as to why i should read my car: uh, um, ok?

this was then followed by awkward silence while sahara wondered why i was confused & i wondered why i was supposed to read my car.

at almost the exact same moment we realized what the other one was saying & started laughing. & it has been such a long time since i've laughed that hard. & i know i'm a horrible friend for this, but it wasn't until we'd started talking on the phone that i realized how much i've really missed her.

it's sad how easy it is to let go of someone you love. or something you love. with each day it gets just a little bit easier to put off that phone call. that email. because there's too much other shit to do. the tps reports don't do themselves you know. then again. the tps reports also won't be there in a moment's notice to hold your hand when you're scared. or listen to you cry long distance. & they definitely won't give you that hug that says more than you could ever express with mere words.

so to all my friends out there that i haven't called. written. emailed. or visited. i still love you. i still care. & i miss you oodles & gobs.

**for the record: i fucking hate when anyone starts a phrase with they say, who is they? how did this mystical person/people become the absolute authority on anything? & why should i care what this fictional THEY says about anything?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

2008 goals/resolutions

overall i'm not a big one for "new year's resolutions" anymore, because i think it's just a way of saying "make all these grand huge life changing plans because it's the first of the year not because you want to actually change anything." & while i am putting together these at the beginning of the year, i'm doing it because i want to, because these are things that i have been trying to do already, but i'm just formalizing my desire to make the changes.

i was rather fond of the five "f" categories, from last year, as noted in my blog of a few days past, so i'll do the same thing this time. the following are my goals for 2008. & i plan on checking in quarterly just to give a progress update & keep myself accountable. some of these i'm "ripping" off from '07 because i'm not yet as far along with those changes as i'd like to be.

i will make one "resolution" that doesn't really fit into any of these categories, & that is: to be the best possible person that i can, taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. this is something i strive for each day anyway in my life, just because i'm that kind of person, but i also think it helps sometimes to put something in writing & declare it to the whole world.

~be able to do 10 real push ups
~work out an average of 45 minutes a day at least 3 days a week
~start rollerblading again this spring/summer

~put money into my savings with every check
~stop shopping as a hobby
~get my CD(s) to $4,000

~graduate from my MFA program
~submit to at least 5 publications
~create plans for the next year, five years, ten years

~end the year with ZERO regrets (i did accomplish this in '07, but i think it's a great goal in general)
~take a road trip somewhere new
~do at least one fun/relaxing/recreational activity each week. . .even when i'm working the weekend at the group home

~complete NaNoWriMo
~write everyday on one of my projects
~work up to meditating every day by year's end