Sunday, January 06, 2008

courage & bravery

a lot is going on right now in my life. not like a lot isn't going on in every one's life, but right now, the past couple weeks, and the next couple months are going to be very hectic. already 2008 has been filled with so many ups & downs i really can't keep track of it, & i'd really rather have the rum without the honey, or the pickled rattlesnake (ok all you movie fans, name THAT obscure reference).

one thing that i want to do, though i didn't officially write it down in my 2008 goals, is to be a braver person. to be more courageous, even when it's tough to do. even when i run a very big risk of getting hurt. it's really easy to put on a bravado when you're fairly confident that whatever you're up against will go your way. but it's a whole lot harder when you're unsure. when you're pretty confident you're going to get hurt. or fail, or whatever the outcome may be. when you're not 100% that you're going to succeed it can be so much harder to put yourself out on the line.

& not even one week into the new year & already this is something that i'm doing in spades. i know i'm being fairly oblique right now, & i'm not doing so purposefully by any means, but there are certain things i'm not yet ready to put into blog-land. & other things that i know i won't be putting into blog land.

& once again, not even one week into the new year & i put myself out on a limb, in a very scary way for me, in a situation that didn't end up the best possible resolution. or, didn't end up the way i had hoped, it still wasn't horrible. & actually i'm happy i did it. of course, not happy things didn't go the way i had been hoping, but in spite of being a bit of a princess, i know that i can't always have things my way.

life is not burger king.

& yeah, disappointment can smart a little. or a lot. more than a mosquito bite, less than a bee sting, maybe? just depending. but i'm also really trying to take my own advice that i put on my blog on the first of : . . . taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. maybe at this exact moment in time i'm still a little too close to really be so fucking philosophical. cause things are still pretty fresh on one front.

but, on the other hand. my dad raised me to bounce back. shake it off. & do my absolute damnedest never to show any weakness. i'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it really just is what it is (& yes the language police will be coming after me for using such a trite overused phrase).

& at the very end of the day i just remember: i'm a writer. it's my passion. my joy. my soul. & anything i encounter: good, bad or indifferent is something i can use later in my novel, or a poem, or in some way to help make me that better at what i do. so it can't be all bad, right? it really is true that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger (if the language police are on their way may as well make it a god one, eh?).

not even a week in & i'm already doing scary brave things. 2008 will be a great year. & you can quote me on that.

3 comments:

Dan said...

Gopher, Everett?

beckah said...

semi close dan. the movie i'm talking about was made in the same century as "o brother" and was even set in approximately the same time in which "o brother" takes place.

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