Sunday, January 13, 2008

well i'll be damn gobsmacked

yesterday i told my parents about my surgery. & that was the hardest part of this whole process. not because i'm scared of my parents, but because i was worried about how they would take the news. my parents are kind of "old school" people in that you don't have surgery unless it's absolutely necessary. as in your appendix is going to burst or you have pancreatitus & your gallbladder needs to come out or a tumor needs to be removed. that kind of thing. & when i was going through this process previously they were less than thrilled & considered the surgery a vanity thing & not necessary.

i told my mom in the morning before i went to work at the group home. i'll admit it, i cried a little when i told her. just because i was scared i was going to hurt her. & i try very hard not to ever intentionally inflict harm on someone i love (OK, i actually try never to inflict harm on anyone, even people i'm not so keen on). she was less than pleased when i told her, but her response really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. her exact words were, after a sigh of course:
"well, since you already have it scheduled i guess there's nothing i can do about it."
she also said she can't understand how any surgeon would be willing to do the operation on me & that she just doesn't think i'm that big. which i can see from her point of view since she's known me my whole life she remembers when i was 60 lbs bigger than i am now & a lot less physically fit.

but after a little bit, like ten to fifteen minutes of kinda processing it & thinking it over she went into MOM PLANNING MODE. she started asking me questions about the logistics of my surgery, asked to look at my info from HCMC, & then started planning. really hard core planning. as in where i'll be sleeping when i stay with them for the first couple of days post surgery, getting the time off work to stay with me, even starting to make a preliminary grocery list for me for the food i need pre-surgery & post-surgery.

my mom rocks.

& believe it or not she was the one that i was less worried about telling between my parents. i was really worried about telling my dad. here's the thing about my dad. except for my mom, my siblings, & myself my dad doesn't really have any family. ok, it's not like he crawled under a rock or out of a dickens novel or anything. he technically has family, but they've never BEEN a family to him or for him. they show up when they want money, something he owns, or help moving (basically all in all i don't have many warm fuzzies towards any of his living relatives). because he basically has just his immediate family, he's very protective of us. he tries to do everything in his power, & sometimes things out of his power, to make sure that we're safe & insulted from some of the ugliness of the world.

i was actually in kind of a panic mode most of the night at the group home. because i knew i had to tell my dad, i figured he would NOT take the news well, & i knew that on this one issue even though my mom was supporting me, she didn't agree with the decision & she wouldn't be my wingman on it. yeah, tough thing for a saturday night, eh? but i had to do it because it wouldn't be fair to wait until closer to the surgery, & since my mom knew, my dad had to know.

i'm proud of the fact that i didn't cry when i told my dad. i waited til he & my mom were done watching the ten o'clock news and just said, "on monday february 11th at 7:30am i'm having gastric bypass surgery & i would like you to be there for me." which, btw, hardest thing i've ever had to tell my dad. & i waited. really expecting him to yell or be upset or absolutely forbid it & tell me over his dead body. instead he asked me one question:
"is your doctor recommending this?"
when i told him yes she was & the reasons. that was all he needed. you could have pushed me over with a breath, not even a feather, but a breath. i was, & in a way still am, completely fucking gobsmacked over it. not that i wanted my dad to be upset in anyway, i'm actually really pleased that he's taking this so well, but i'm also kind of shocked still.

then again, people surprise you all the time. so four weeks & counting. & a lot of my fear has subsided now that my parents & my siblings know & are completely supportive of me. because while i love my friends, those are the people that matter most in the world to me. & having them there to hold my hand, watch over me, & just be with me, it makes it all a whole lot less frightening.

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