Friday, February 29, 2008

so much for being a super hero

i made it exactly one day back at work & i'm back out on medical leave again. oh, who am i kidding, it wasn't even a whole day. i WORKED the whole day, but i was there barely an hour & i felt lousy & had people telling me, in a very nice work appropriate way that i looked like crap. awesome, eh? everyone from coworkers to my supervisor to my director to directors of OTHER departments & even the woman in human resources. it was also highly recommended that i leave early. of course, i stayed & did as much work as possible.

on tuesday night after work i did wind up in urgent care because i'm SO TALENTED that i managed to score myself a post-op UTI (urinary tract infection). not to be overly descriptive, but it felt like my bladder was filled with razor blades. & that morning i'd been up for an hour & a half having to pee every two minutes. LITERALLY every two minutes from 2:30am to 4am. the urgent care doc was lovely but told me that i have a very severe infection. awesome. i rock. but i did get some pretty frickin strong antibiotics, which is good.

but i went to HCMC wednesday morning & had an appointment with my surgeon. & i really did go back too soon. i WANTED to be super woman & go back strong after two weeks, but i just wasn't ready. i have been suffering from VERY intense & overwhelming nausea. basically pretty debilitating. on top of that i've been really weak. kinda sad, but weak to the point that i have a refill for my air freshner that i can't replace because i can't get the cap off. pathetic, i know. although, the nurse at the hospital had a pretty good point that with the nausea, my body still getting used to my new stomach, & a severe infection it's no wonder i felt like crap.

my medical leave has been extended to march 17th, so another two weeks basically past today, so another almost three weeks in total. if i feel better before the end of my leave i'll get medically cleared to go back early. but now that i've come to grips with the fact that i'm NOT back at work after two weeks i'm realizing how hard this really is on my body. i've taken an afternoon nap wednesday, thursday, & today. just trying to drink all my water, eat three meals a day, & just function really is exhausting. i know that sounds lame, but it really is.

to be honest, it's twenty to nine pm right now & i could go to sleep for the night right now & i just woke up a couple hours ago from a nap. i have talked to my doctor's office about the nausea & the exhaustion. they said that everyone's body is different & some people take longer to adjust. right now it is really just going to take some time. i also need to be very good to myself.

Monday, February 25, 2008

little rest for the wicked

so tomorrow it's back to work with my bad self. yeah, that time went pretty frickin fast. i kinda can't believe it myself. since i'm still not feeling completely better i really kinda don't want to go. i'll be completely upfront about that. i've had more than one person tell me i should try to extend my leave. & that taking only two weeks off work is crazy.

& i'll admit, yeah, it is sorta crazy. now that i'm faced with going back tomorrow i realize this is pretty mother fucking crazy. no two ways about that one. but i also feel that i can't really extend my leave. OK, if i really needed to, i probably could have. but it would have involved getting new paperwork from hcmc & getting that to work & then my team would have to pick up the slack on the work that i was assigned to do this week. & i just can't do that. if i would have originally taken three or four weeks then it would be one thing. but i would just feel really bad trying to extend it.

so yeah, lesson learned. if i ever know i'm having surgery in the future i'll plan my FMLA for a longer period of time & then i can always go back early. it's easier to change the dates that way than the other way. for the group home i'm supposed to go back in a few weeks. because that's lifting people & repositioning them i took more time. i have about five weeks off from there.

in the mean time i'm just going to do the best that i can each day. i'm not planning on doing anything in the evenings that i don't HAVE to do. this coming thursday will be a challenge. i'll be working all day & then i have class that night until 9pm. oy. wait. can i say that again? OY! i'm getting tired just thinking about that.

at least the girl has her priorities right (late posting)

~~so i started this on october 9th, 2007, just found it & realized i have to post it because, well, it's funny & so true of my life~~

on friday night i was just chilling at my apartment, watching house, eating some spinich linguine with seasoned chicken in a garlic alfredo sauce, just having a nice chillax night, which i was in desperate need of. my male roommate's smoke detector was beeping, as it has been for, oh, well over a month now. every minute, on the minute. a reminder to replace the battery. a reminder that has been ignored.




then all of a sudden, a much louder more insistent beeping. more like, oh, an alarm. now for the briefest of moments i did actually think that my roommate's alarm had been ignored so long that it decided to be a bit more nosy. but i quickly realized that wasn't the case. yup, the alarm in the entire building went off. now i was having a pretty good time watching house, eating dinner, & i really didn't want to leave, but, i also couldn't really enjoy either of those things with the apartment sounding like i was in the middle of an air raid.

well, there was that & the fact that there was smoke in the hallway. so i decided getting out of the apartment would be the best course of action. now even though the alarm was going off & there was smoke in the hallway, i did take a moment to collect the things i absolutely couldn't live without, just in case the building was really going to burn to the ground. so i calmly, & yet with haste put my laptop, powercord, ipod, & cell phone in my backpack & the bag then on my back. only then did i make my way out of the building.

after quite a while the fire department gave us the go ahead to go back in the building. someone had burned, er, incinerated, er, tried to cremate a bag of popcorn in the microwave. so the hallway smelled just frickin terrific. but i was fairly pleased with myself that i did get myself & my important items out of the building. i'm sure not as quickly as the fire marshal would have liked, but out none the less. the bummer: cold food & i missed almost all of house.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

thought of the week: february 17th-23rd

i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees, when you hurt, when you suffer, i'm your angel undercover, i've been numb, i'm revived, can't say i'm not alive, you know i wouldn't want it any other way

~meredith brooks, bitch

truer words have never been spoken about me. actually, for anyone who hasn't heard this song, the song in its entirety is very much a good explanation of me & my personality. there were actually several parts of this song that i almost pulled out to post, but i love these particular lines the most.

one of my favorite explanations is that i really AM a quintessential gemini. so i am a contradiction at times. i am a raging extrovert who is always flitting about work & talking to everyone & trying to get to know everyone. but sometimes i want nothing more than to tuck in on the couch at my apartment & curl up with my remote & just tell the world to fuck off for a while. i have a lot of confidence & i think very highly of myself, but not to the point that i can't see past the end of my nose. i always try to be VERY aware of my friends, their lives, & how they are doing & i'm always asking what i can do to help them.

i've had a lot of people telling me i'm going to change a lot now that i've had surgery. & i understand that there will be lots of things to change. the first of course being my physical body. but i've also been told that i most likely will have subtle changes to my personality. & i'm a bit afraid of that because i like who i am. i really don't want my personality to change at all. i like the fact that i have ego for three people, but also a deep compassion for others. i like being whimsical, as tina calls me. i like all my little ticks & habits & idiosyncrasies that make up me as a person. yeah, some people are probably annoyed by some of them (like the fact that i'm a blog whore & pimp by blog to all my friends) but i'm also ok with the fact that there are things about me that other people don't love whole heartedly. the world would be a very boring place if everyone loved 100% of everything about everyone they knew.

so here's praying that my personality doesn't change much. cause i like me. hell, i love me. that & the ghetto boo-tay. the votes are half & half on my butt. half say i'll lose it completely & half say the ass is genetic & it'll just get smaller. i'm hoping i keep my curvacious ass in a smaller size. hell, even white boys gotta shout on that one *winks*

post-op follow up, weight check, & the like

i had my post-op follow up appointment on wednesday & i was cleared to head back to work on tuesday. according to hcmc my weight is at 240 lbs, which is about five down from surgery, so five down in nine days, not too bad at all. as far as my home scale goes, this morning it said 229.8, which is .8 lbs more than the lowest weight i have ever been, to my knowledge, as an adult. granted, there is also a few days between those numbers (on wednesday my home scale said 234.8, so it is a bit off from the doctor's office). that's pretty exciting, i will admit. i'm guessing that by the time i head back to work on tuesday i'll be lower than i've been in my adult life. the lowest i remember being as an adult is 229 even, so i'm really close to that.

it's a very trippy thing. especially since people are telling me i look a lot thinner, but i'm not feeling it. & it may be because i've been not feeling well most of this week. i have been struggling pretty hard core with intense nausea. i've been so nauseous that my iphone knows that word after i've entered "nau" & it suggests the word nauseous. there are a couple of possible causes for not feeling well. it could be i'm dehydrated, which, evidently can cause nausea. i had no idea on that one. or my body could be having a reaction to the vicodin. or could be i need to eat something (which i don't feel like doing because i feel like vomiting). it's also been suggested that my body is still getting over the anesthesia. or that my body is still in shock over the trauma of surgery.

i did talk to my doctor's office about it. they said the nausea is pretty common. recommended that i take vitamin b-1, so i've been doing that religiously. & then they said to do everything possible to get my 60 oz of water in everyday. which is SO much tougher than i ever imagined it would be. that is NOT that much water. especially for someone who would routinely drink a gallon a day. but pretty much every day i'm battling the urge to gag. it really blows. but i'm doing my best. i'm making sure to take my multivitamins & my calcium (the past couple days in the form of tums hoping that'll help).

i really had wanted to blog more while i had this time off work. but i just haven't been able to sit at my computer for too long because it just makes me sick. i've been doing a lot of laying on the couch with my eyes closed. which, i'm going to do now as soon as i post this.

Monday, February 18, 2008

one week out of surgery

i wish i could give a weight update right now, how much i've gone down in the last week out of surgery, but i'm still at my parents' house & they don't have a scale here. i know. bizarre. so that'll have to wait until tuesday or wednesday when i'm back at my own place. i can say that when i was admitted to hcmc last monday i was 245.2 according to their scale.

as for how i'm feeling: doing pretty well. i was so sleepy earlier today that i basically woke up, drank my "breakfast," watched maybe half an hour of tv, & then decided a nap was in order. may as well take plenty of naps if i'm tired & i have the time off work. pretty soon, in just a week, i'll be back to work & back to my chaotic life.

looking forward to being over the liquid diet, but i've also been told that my "first meal" will most likely be fairly disappointing. *shrugs* just something different will be nice. & something that is progress & shows that i'm healing & getting better & progressing, which, solid food fills all of those qualifications.

i'm also looking forward to just getting on with my life. getting back to the Y & back to (mis)adventures with miss jenn. trying to re-focus my life & just get things back into my normal sense of (dis)order. i don't like having to be on the sidelines or to be out sick from work. makes me fidgety to get back into the mix of things.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

field trip

i finally got out of the house today. i've been going SO stir crazy. not that i don't like my parents & my brother & my cats & dog. . . but i'm sorta a social person & i really need to go out & see people. my mom is the kind that can tuck in & stay at home for weeks & it doesn't bother her at all not to see other people. i've been so frickin bored, even when i was nauseous on friday i was sick of seeing the same walls.

ok, josh visited me on wednesday & tina stopped by with baby lucas on friday, so that helped me get through until today. but today i got out & about in the community. yippee! my mom had some stuff to get at target & i had a small list myself, so we went & picked some stuff up. i also got a new copy of pretty in pink since the one i bought last week skipped towards the end :(

while it was awesome getting out of the house for a bit, it really did tire me out. it's not even 9pm & i'm kinda nodding off at my computer. the only reason i'm even staying conscious is that i have to wait another hour before i can take anything else for pain & i really don't feel like nodding off & then waking up an hour later with stabby pains in my side. stabby pains are not good at all.

i know i've been bitching a lot about the pain & i try not to be the whiny complainer type, but this is pretty uncomfortable. then again, that is to be expected with surgery of any kind. it's still not as bad as when i had my gallbladder out back in the spring of 2000. so, i guess that's an upside?

Saturday, February 16, 2008

speaking of food network

have i mentioned that food network is now porn to me? i spent the whole weekend before my surgery watching food network. right now i'm sitting in front of: diners, drive-ins, & dives drooling. . .& slightly aroused. ok, well, maybe not aroused, but definitely drooling. yeah, still on my post surgery liquid diet. i get to start on real food this coming wednesday, just three more days.

i didn't think i'd miss food. i've been SO over eating for such a long time now. it's been such a pain in the ass. figuring out what i was going to have for lunch, for dinner. breakfast was always oatmeal & coffee, so that didn't cause any extra thought. i tried for so long to eat healthy & eat the right things & nothing seemed to make any difference in my trying to lose weight. but i was really actually looking forward to post surgery just being able to plan my little meals, pack my little half cup tupperware with my meal for work & be on my way. no need to worry, fret, fantasize.

& now, five days out of surgery i'm watching tv & thinking: goddamn i'd love to have some eggs benedict right now. or a burger. or pizza. or cheesecake. or. . .um, how about just something that has chewable parts?

then again, at this moment my pain level is pretty high because of my afore mentioned lack of narcotics post surgery. i really must call my doctor on monday & discuss this, because i don't like sharp pains. & i want a quick recovery but i think it's a bit soon for me to be totally off the narcotics. i think i'll go take two of my precious vicodin, crawl into bed, & dream of tasty treats passing my lips.

interesting phrases

so i'm watching food network with my mom, a sugar competition having to do with nature themed pieces. & each competitor is going through saying what their piece is about & why they chose it. & one guy says:

"i realized i'd never blown a giraffe & i'd like to."

omg. i laughed so hard it hurt. seriously. the things people say on cable tv.

thought of the week: february 10th-16th

this time i think i'm to blame, it's harder to get through the days, we get older and blame turns to shame, 'cause everything inside it never comes out right
~buckcherry, sorry

so, welcome to one of my new ringtones. i created it sunday night before my surgery. i heard the song exactly once on the radio, fell in love with it, & hunted it down on itunes. right now it's my default, so if you aren't lucky enough to be assigned a ringtone, it's what my phone will play when you call me *grins*

all last week when the liquid diet was getting tough. & this week through the pain & the nausea & the fear i never took it out, even once, on another person. the only time i even raised my voice was last week when my mom picked a fight with me. i just kept telling myself "this is my choice, my own decision made of free will." yeah, not much of a consolation when my cube smelled like bbq-ed meat for a whole day. or chinese food another. or the food network was like porn all weekend.

the days before my surgery were hard to get through. not just because i wasn't eating, but because my nerves were getting to me. & i felt like i had to be brave. especially with my mom, as we're walking into HCMC the morning of my surgery saying to my sister: "i really wish she wouldn't do this." i know. talk about a kick in the balls. she really does love me, so please don't hold any ill will towards her. but that kind of negativity is pretty fucking hard to deal with. especially in the off chance that there's something bad that happens.

& i've felt like no matter how much i say, i just can't make it come out right to those people who are/were doubting me. no matter what i say it's not the right thing, or said the right way. & i still come away sorta feeling like i'm in the wrong somehow. or like i'm committing some kind of felony against someone else. hard to describe exactly at this moment. i'd say blame it on the narcotics, but they didn't give me that many, so right now i'm just trying to make them last the weekend. so, uh, let's blame it on the pain?

thought of the week: february 3rd-9th (late edition)

~i actually started this a while ago, during the above titled week, but i haven't had a chance to finish it until now~

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
~red hot chili peppers, scar tisssue

this song has been running through my head a lot lately. & i don't know if it's because the closer i get to surgery the more i need to defend myself. or, the more i feel i need to defend myself. some of the people who i had hoped would not question me are continuing to fight me every step of the way, one of them being my mom. i'll be honest, the thing with my mom hurts the worst. she actually picked a fight with me on the evening of the 5th when i stopped by my parents house. i hadn't eaten solid food for two days & she was telling me she thinks i'm making a mistake. & my mom is one of the people who's seen the most of how much my weight problem has effected me.

this has been the hardest decision that i've ever made & i really just wish that i could open my memories & my heart & thrust people into my body, myself, my mind & emotions at those times. i wish i could make them feel everything i've gone through over the past 23 years of being obese. i want them to feel the cuts. all the things over the years that have compounded one of top of another that helped me come to the point where i decided surgery was the path i needed to take.

i made this decision for my health. will i lie & say that i haven't thought of some of the vanity advantages? no, i won't be a hypocrite. it will be nice to wear smaller clothes. to not always be the fattest girl, well, anywhere i go. it's going to be nice to have other people see the bright, vibrant, intelligent, funny, sweet person that i am & not be looked over because i'm pudgy. but i made this decision because i want to be healthy. i don't want to have to be on a c-pap machine because i stop breathing when i sleep. or on dozens of medications to treat different medical conditions that have arisen. i want to have kids in the semi near future & i want to be an active parent. i want to run around with my kids. take them hiking, snow tubing, swimming, biking, roller blading. . .all those things that are good for kids.

i want to be a good example to my kids, to my nephews & nieces. will i lie about my surgery? no, i won't. haven't figured out how i'm going to explain it to the little ones who are in my life now, but i'll figure it out along the way. the biggest thing is that i'm going through this pain now to have a better life later on.

as for the scars from the past. i'm sure they'll fade, a bit, with time. but they run very deep, too deep for me to ever forget them completely. & i don't want to forget them. because even though they stung, & still sting if i think too hard on them, they've brought me to who i am today.

i'd started this blog with the intention of sharing some of those scars, the things that have cut me over the years, but now, as i get into this, i'm not sure that i can. it's not that i don't want to share. it's that i don't know how. & what would be the point of doing so at this time? i'm not asking for pity. & i'm semi afraid that would be the response that i would get. so maybe, for now, we'll leave those scars where they are, healing.

first post-op blog

so i've come out of surgery ok. my surgeon actually said the surgery went really well. i'll admit, i was SO fucking nauseous when i woke up from the anesthesia. i really wanted to vomit. & i hate throwing up. that went away after a little while though. my family stayed for a bit, but then left because i was going in & out of consciousness & the chairs at the hospital aren't too comfy for too long.

but i had three visitors besides my family. Q stopped by for a bit to chat with me & give me a really cute get well card that has a guy hooked up to all kinds of IVs that have "real" food names on them (i'll put pics up later of my cards & such). he said i looked pretty good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. i was a bit sleepy & a bit nauseous when he was there, not because of him, but just because i'd been under general anesthesia that morning & had a pretty major surgery.

then about half an hour after Q left jenn & crystal came by to visit me. they both said i looked good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. & they made me laugh, ok, smile because laughing hurt, with some stories from work. i had to shake my head over the work stuff because nothing more i can do than that until i get back. but those two are so frickin funny, it was definitely great to see them. they also brought by some balloons for me & two cards: a get well card with a half nekkid boy (yipp-ie!) & a birthday card.

it was so nice getting visitors. i'm definitely a social kind of girl, even right out of surgery i was pretty chatty with every nurse, aide, doctor, and med student that crossed my path. it's just the way i bounce.

i did get sprung from HCMC on tuesday, i almost didn't & was pretty close to having to spend a second night in the hospital. D'OH! first they didn't want to give me narcotics because over a year ago i'd had vicodin for a back injury. yeah, so they wanted to release me from the hospital without any pain meds. then, once they found a dr to prescribe them they had trouble with my insurance. so they needed a new copy of my insurance card to run the meds through. by then i was in pain & nauseous & running a slight fever. so they checked my temp, decided to recheck it in half an hour, it was up again at the second check. so then they called a doctor to see if i had to stay or could go. by this time it was after 5pm. the word finally came back that it was up to me if i wanted to stay or leave.

i really almost decided to spend another night in the hospital because i was really nauseous & sometimes, god love him, my dad's driving makes me car sick even when i'm completely healthy. but i decided to go home because my back really hurt, not from the surgery but from sleeping on the hospital bed. & because i thought i'd feel better if i was home. granted, my parents' is not my HOME, but it's way better than the hospital. so my dad & brother picked me up around 7pm & i was off to recover at home.

i've been pretty good here at the 'rents place. i wanted to blog earlier this week, but my mom has been bogarting my computer. she supposedly took the week off work to stay home with me, but she was into the office for a meeting on wednesday & has been on my computer the rest of the time. as for me: i was in great spirits & feeling well wednesday & thursday. yesterday was really rough all day. i woke up nauseous & just got worse as the day went on. i didn't have any of my "liquid" meals. didn't have anything except water. & spent a good deal of the day gagging. yeah, not fun at all.

but today i'm 150% better. i wanted to go home today, but my parents have taken a vote & over ruled me & said i'm not allowed to go home until i'm able to drive myself. so, yeah, i'll be here for another few days. i pretty much scared the shite out of them yesterday. ooops.

but i'm back in blog land. back in the land of the living. & back to text messaging. so hit me up. i'm bored out of my gourd & looking for social interaction.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

liquid diet: day #7

this'll be short because i've been awake since just past 7am saturday & i'm sleepy. my surgery is in just 7 1/2 hours & my family & i have to leave the house in just under 6 hours. so i should get some sleep.

day 7 went ok. i was so busy getting ready that i almost forgot one of my liquid meals! grand total weight loss for the liquid diet is somewheres around 15 pounds, give or take.

so i'm off to pass out.

more blogging will come in the next few days, this time it'll be blogging on prescription drugs. awesome.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

liquid diet: day #6

IT'S BACON! (this will be explained)

day 6 started off pretty uneventfully. i woke up god-awful early at a bit past 7am. partially because i heard a text message come in on my phone, but partially just because i wasn't really deeply asleep anymore. because if i really am totally asleep, i don't hear my phone, or, it doesn't wake me up. now, i will say that i have, in the past, sleep text messaged. but that really doesn't count as being awake.

i had some coffee with splenda in it, my chocolate instant breakfast, just started the day out normally. or, as normally as one can when their sole source of nutrition is drinkable. i know, enough with the whole "oh, wah me, i'm drinking my meals." i know, i did make this decision, it's something i put on myself, so i'm really not whining. just saying. & thank god it's only a week instead of more. at the surgical consult at HCMC they were saying some people have to do FOUR WEEKS! my friend josh that had gastric bypass had to do two weeks. although, to be honest, now that i'm in my routine, i could do another week if i had to. it wouldn't be preferable, but i could do it.

the upside to doing a liquid diet is the rapid weight loss. now, I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE GO ON A LIQUID DIET WITHOUT DOCTOR'S ORDERS. however, as a pre-surgery prep, it does make you lose weight rather rapidly. i've lost about 13 pounds since monday. i know, it's like two pounds a day! the reason for the liquid diet is not to lose weight prior to surgery, at least, not according to the information i was given, the purpose is to shrink the size of my liver & go into surgery with a healthy liver.

so i went to my parents' house today to get some stuff that i wanted to bring to my new apartment. basically i have the space & i've been really missing my books. so i packed up six boxes of books(which is not even all of my books) & the last of my "smaller" clothes that were at their place to bring them back home. my mom was asleep when i got there (she hasn't been feeling well) so i packed my stuff up & started loading my car. & i didn't want to just grab stuff & run, so i hung out, watched some tv, drank some water.

when my mom finally woke up she was hungry & decided to make bacon, eggs, & toast. oy. i now REALLY know what the dog feels like on that commercial. while my mom was having her yummy breakfast i was having an instant breakfast, heated up for a little change of pace so it was sorta like a hot chocolate. so i'm smelling this absolutely heavenly bacon. & it was done so nice & crispy, but not too much so that it was burnt. yeah, i almost cried a wee bit. but i smiled & told my mom "no, of course it doesn't bother me, please, please eat your breakfast." meanwhile a strange hybrid between the beggin strips commercial & the trix commercial was running through my head:

irrational inner voice: "IT'S BACON!"
rationale inner voice: "silly beckah, it's carnation instant breakfast."

yeah, so, life is interesting. carnation instant breakfast is yummy when heated. not as yummy as bacon. but pretty palatable.

Friday, February 08, 2008

liquid diet: day #5

day five is now history too. & today was not such a bad day. first off: i really have the best coworkers. i want to put that right up front. on the QA team we have one guy who's a QA & the rest of the team is female. well it was his turn to bring treats for the team on friday, & i hadn't really thought much about it at all, to be honest. i was guessing it would be donuts or bagels or something along those lines that was on my list of unedible foods, for now.

so he rolls in, puts the treats on a desk down the row & then goes back to his desk, which is right across from mine, & he tells me that he got something for me because i couldn't eat the other treats. he got me a naked juice (& yes, there were a few jokes later in the day about the fact that he got me naked). he actually got two, one for him & one for me & he let me pick which one i wanted (i picked blue machine so he got mighty mango). & the best part was that the bottle was almost 16 oz, so i was able to divide it in half & drink half for breakfast & half for lunch. rock on. i just have to say: isn't that SO sweet?

since today was my last day at work before my surgery it was all kind of surreal. & it wasn't tough at all for me to stick to my liquid diet. two of my fellow female QAs went out to eddinton's for lunch, which is kind of a soup & sandwich joint, & i asked them to pick up some wisconsin cheddar soup for me to have for dinner tonight. sadly enough there were too many chunks in it (little bits of carrots, celery, & onions) so i wound up only having a little bit before it drove me crazy & i wound up throwing the rest away because i didn't want to break the rules & eat ANYTHING. but even that wasn't too tragic.

now i just have the weekend to get through. & theoretically i can lock myself in my apartment until sunday night & not go anywhere near another living being, which will mean i will not be near food either. ok, i really DO have actual food in my apartment right now, but i've been resisting the urge to have any of it. i'm doing everything i can to make my surgery a success.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

liquid diet: day #4

i won't say it's a total lie that after day 3 on a liquid diet it's easy sailing, because it does get a little bit better. especially when the math geek in me can say at lunch time "at least i'm 50% done." but it's still pretty tough to be constantly surrounded by food & not able to eat any of it. i am still sticking to it though, neurotically so because, well, that's just the way i roll.

a few people have jokingly asked me if i could take some spaghetti & liquify it in a blender, or throw some steak and potatoes into a cuisinart & let it rip until it's smooth & technically a liquid. & while it sounds disgusting (& to be honest, it really looks disgusting too, i know this first hand from working at the group home) i did actually ponder it for a half a second, but i have not liquified anything that was previously solid.

& then there's the fact that while nothing chewable is passing my lips, the rest of the world is not stopping. & god help them, i'm surrounded by people who like to share. today i was at work on a helpline call when one of my fellow QAs, offered me some honey roasted peanuts. a pretty benign act on it's own, except, by offering i mean she put a huge (by huge i mean like 2-3 pound tin) of honey roasted peanuts under my nose, literally. luckily i was on a call with a phone rep so i couldn't say anything, but i just looked at her, & i must have given her the EVIL evil eye or something because all of a sudden she goes "oh, i'm SO sorry" and ran off. & then 2 seconds later i got an email from her telling me she was so sorry for forgetting & she felt horrible. & i responded to her that she really SHOULDN'T feel bad, i don't expect the rest of the world to stop for me (yeah, i know, SHOCKING, i think my princess tiara may be in jeopardy for that one).

& it's not the first time this week. on tuesday i was talking with miss cz at work regarding miss jenn's bday & she said that she was making low fat angel food cupcakes for jenn's birthday so that i wouldn't have to bake anything because she thought it would be torture being on a liquid diet & having to bake a cake. & yeah, that would've been hell on earth, no licking the beaters, bowl, or spatula. then, in the next breath she told me to make sure i stopped by jenn's desk to grab one & some lite cool whip. & i just stopped, looked at her. i wound up telling her *maybe* i'd come grab a teensy bit of cool whip for my jello. i was a good girl & resisted it all together.

then, last night Q & i went out to see the eye. before we went to the movie i gave him his birthday gift, which included two 1/2 pound bags of candy from candyland (one the raspberry hearts & the other the red & black berry jelly candies). i'd been talking to him about how day three of the liquid diet was blowing pretty hard core & i really wanted to gnaw my own arm off for a piece of garlic cheese bread. then about half a second later, he's munching on the candy, and offers me a piece. really, Q is a sweet guy & very smart. . . .i just surround myself with people who like to share & it's hard to break that habit, i get that.

today i almost did jump a fellow QA for her chinese food. i have no idea what she got except that it smelled divine. i'm guessing chicken something with rice. i actually had to walk away from my desk during my lunch & wander the call center to get away from the smell & the temptation.

all & all though, even with class tonight, day 4 much better than day three.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

liquid diet: day #3

ok, day three blows. hard core. in every way. i'm so hungry right now i would gnaw off my own arm for a piece of garlic cheese bread. & it's only half past noon. someone at work had some really yummy smelling chinese food & it took all my will power not to flood my desk with drool as i salivated over the smell. jello is not a suitable replacement for garlic cheese bread. taking 30-45 minutes to enjoy 8oz of cream of tomato soup is torture, especially when, to quote jenn "i could enjoy that in 30-45 seconds." tru dat.
i keep reminding myself:
~just four more days after today.
~i'm almost half done.
~i chose to do this to myself.
~it will be worth it.
~i really am smarter than food.
~i can resist temptation.
~it's a character building experience
~this will make great writing for my memoir on this whole thing.
on the upside, for giggles i stepped on the scale at work (the one that we've been losing or our own little biggest loser competition) & i've lost 3.5 pounds since monday morning. & this was after i had drank my 8oz of breakfast, some water, & some coffee. so it may have actually been closer to 4 pounds. that's kind of nice to see.
so i think it's pretty safe to say that i have forever left the 260's behind me. my primary doctor actually thinks that i will fairly easily lose 100 pounds after the surgery, which is just mind boggling to me. because, that means that i could make it down to 160, which, to be honest, i don't ever remember being that weight. EVER. & i have no clue how to even try to process that.
it's a really mixed up emotional time for me right now. i'm owning that. & knowing that after monday it won't all go away. i'm still going to have my bad days. i'm going to have those days that i wonder what i did to myself. having surgery is not going to magically change everything in my life. it's going to change a lot of things, but it's not an end all be all easy fix by any means. i know this. i'll never go to an all-you-can-eat buffet again; what would be the point? & i'm sure that there will be times that i cry in frustration because of. . .because of reasons i can't even identify right now.
as of this exact moment: i'm hungry, i'm cold, i'm tired. i need a nap with my teddy bear in my big cozy bed with my fuzzy blanket pulled up around me. if i could have that right now all would be so much better.
***i would also like to apologize in advance for any crankiness i may aim at anyone in the next month. i do sincerely apologize & i'm sure that i didn't mean it***

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

liquid diet: day #2

interestingly enough, today was tougher than yesterday. i'd really been expecting the first day to be the hardest for me. i sort of thought that going from eating normally to eating a very limited liquid diet would cause me to gnaw on my cube walls. but yesterday wasn't too tough at all. i had some sugar free jello, a couple popsicles, broth, my liquid meals, water. . .all those things on my approved list. i had a couple dodgey moments, especially when one of my fellow QAs set up a crockpot filled with bbq meatballs & mini weinnies, but i somehow blocked it out.

today i've been a lot more hungry. maybe it's just the second day thing, i don't know. what i've been told is that the first three days are the hardest, so i'm basically two thirds done. once tomorrow is over the hardest part should be done of the liquid diet.

i really could use a cheeseburger right now. with fries. & some pizza. & a nice big glass of orange juice. . . . i should probably stop thinking about this. & should definitely stay away from the food network right now. it's like porn.

Monday, February 04, 2008

liquid diet: day #1

things i've learned day #1:

~i can resist the urge to dive face first into a crock pot full of bbq mini weinnies & meatballs

~jello actually will quell hunger

~it's not a good idea to watch food network while on a liquid diet

~april is the bestest friend EVER for doing this with me

~i have WAY MORE will power than i ever knew

Saturday, February 02, 2008

thought of the week: january 27th-february 2nd

i can’t stand to fly, i'm not that naive, i’m just out to find, the better part of me/i’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane, i'm more than some pretty face beside a train, it’s not easy to be me.
~five for fighting, superman

this song haunts me & gives me hope for the future at the same time. the melody is soft, sad, soulful. but it's also realistic while being optimistic at the same time. & that's the part that i really love about it. i heard this the other day when i was driving, um, somewhere, & it occurred to me that this really sums up the way i'm feeling right now.

it's been tough lately. & i don't know how much of it is because i'm a little over sensitive/over emotional lately, or if it's because some people really have been less than supportive lately.
my grandmother (who, since i was 7 has told me i'm too big & i need to lose weight) is adamantly against the surgery & i wound up having to essentially tell her, in a nice way, to shut up because she wasn't going to change my mind. i don't like having to fight with my family & friends.

the thing that i find interesting, if i look at this clinically, is how personally other people are taking my decision to have surgery. i have some people that have acted like my decision is a personal affront against them. like i'm trying to hurt them, or abandon them, or make them look bad, or. . . i don't even know what. which is kind of a really odd thing, in my opinion, because i'm doing this for me because i want to have a long healthy life. it has nothing to do with anyone else at all.

& i'm really just trying to get a better life for myself. i want to be healthy. & right now, except for being, oh, around 100 lbs + overweight, i'm very healthy. & one day i'll probably have demon spawn, i mean, children, & i really don't want to be that mom that tells her kids to go outside & play on their own because i don't have the energy to be active with them.

i do know that getting surgery isn't a "magic pill." it's also not the easy way out. it's the toughest thing that i've done so far, & i'm not even at the surgery part. i'm sure there are going to be plenty of times that i'm pissy & cranky because i hurt or something else. but i need to just remember why i'm doing all of this.