Saturday, February 16, 2008

thought of the week: february 10th-16th

this time i think i'm to blame, it's harder to get through the days, we get older and blame turns to shame, 'cause everything inside it never comes out right
~buckcherry, sorry

so, welcome to one of my new ringtones. i created it sunday night before my surgery. i heard the song exactly once on the radio, fell in love with it, & hunted it down on itunes. right now it's my default, so if you aren't lucky enough to be assigned a ringtone, it's what my phone will play when you call me *grins*

all last week when the liquid diet was getting tough. & this week through the pain & the nausea & the fear i never took it out, even once, on another person. the only time i even raised my voice was last week when my mom picked a fight with me. i just kept telling myself "this is my choice, my own decision made of free will." yeah, not much of a consolation when my cube smelled like bbq-ed meat for a whole day. or chinese food another. or the food network was like porn all weekend.

the days before my surgery were hard to get through. not just because i wasn't eating, but because my nerves were getting to me. & i felt like i had to be brave. especially with my mom, as we're walking into HCMC the morning of my surgery saying to my sister: "i really wish she wouldn't do this." i know. talk about a kick in the balls. she really does love me, so please don't hold any ill will towards her. but that kind of negativity is pretty fucking hard to deal with. especially in the off chance that there's something bad that happens.

& i've felt like no matter how much i say, i just can't make it come out right to those people who are/were doubting me. no matter what i say it's not the right thing, or said the right way. & i still come away sorta feeling like i'm in the wrong somehow. or like i'm committing some kind of felony against someone else. hard to describe exactly at this moment. i'd say blame it on the narcotics, but they didn't give me that many, so right now i'm just trying to make them last the weekend. so, uh, let's blame it on the pain?

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