Saturday, February 16, 2008

thought of the week: february 3rd-9th (late edition)

~i actually started this a while ago, during the above titled week, but i haven't had a chance to finish it until now~

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
~red hot chili peppers, scar tisssue

this song has been running through my head a lot lately. & i don't know if it's because the closer i get to surgery the more i need to defend myself. or, the more i feel i need to defend myself. some of the people who i had hoped would not question me are continuing to fight me every step of the way, one of them being my mom. i'll be honest, the thing with my mom hurts the worst. she actually picked a fight with me on the evening of the 5th when i stopped by my parents house. i hadn't eaten solid food for two days & she was telling me she thinks i'm making a mistake. & my mom is one of the people who's seen the most of how much my weight problem has effected me.

this has been the hardest decision that i've ever made & i really just wish that i could open my memories & my heart & thrust people into my body, myself, my mind & emotions at those times. i wish i could make them feel everything i've gone through over the past 23 years of being obese. i want them to feel the cuts. all the things over the years that have compounded one of top of another that helped me come to the point where i decided surgery was the path i needed to take.

i made this decision for my health. will i lie & say that i haven't thought of some of the vanity advantages? no, i won't be a hypocrite. it will be nice to wear smaller clothes. to not always be the fattest girl, well, anywhere i go. it's going to be nice to have other people see the bright, vibrant, intelligent, funny, sweet person that i am & not be looked over because i'm pudgy. but i made this decision because i want to be healthy. i don't want to have to be on a c-pap machine because i stop breathing when i sleep. or on dozens of medications to treat different medical conditions that have arisen. i want to have kids in the semi near future & i want to be an active parent. i want to run around with my kids. take them hiking, snow tubing, swimming, biking, roller blading. . .all those things that are good for kids.

i want to be a good example to my kids, to my nephews & nieces. will i lie about my surgery? no, i won't. haven't figured out how i'm going to explain it to the little ones who are in my life now, but i'll figure it out along the way. the biggest thing is that i'm going through this pain now to have a better life later on.

as for the scars from the past. i'm sure they'll fade, a bit, with time. but they run very deep, too deep for me to ever forget them completely. & i don't want to forget them. because even though they stung, & still sting if i think too hard on them, they've brought me to who i am today.

i'd started this blog with the intention of sharing some of those scars, the things that have cut me over the years, but now, as i get into this, i'm not sure that i can. it's not that i don't want to share. it's that i don't know how. & what would be the point of doing so at this time? i'm not asking for pity. & i'm semi afraid that would be the response that i would get. so maybe, for now, we'll leave those scars where they are, healing.


Dalerian said...

*nod* is all that needs to be said.

beckah said...

thanks. ~b