Saturday, February 02, 2008

thought of the week: january 27th-february 2nd

i can’t stand to fly, i'm not that naive, i’m just out to find, the better part of me/i’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane, i'm more than some pretty face beside a train, it’s not easy to be me.
~five for fighting, superman

this song haunts me & gives me hope for the future at the same time. the melody is soft, sad, soulful. but it's also realistic while being optimistic at the same time. & that's the part that i really love about it. i heard this the other day when i was driving, um, somewhere, & it occurred to me that this really sums up the way i'm feeling right now.

it's been tough lately. & i don't know how much of it is because i'm a little over sensitive/over emotional lately, or if it's because some people really have been less than supportive lately.
my grandmother (who, since i was 7 has told me i'm too big & i need to lose weight) is adamantly against the surgery & i wound up having to essentially tell her, in a nice way, to shut up because she wasn't going to change my mind. i don't like having to fight with my family & friends.

the thing that i find interesting, if i look at this clinically, is how personally other people are taking my decision to have surgery. i have some people that have acted like my decision is a personal affront against them. like i'm trying to hurt them, or abandon them, or make them look bad, or. . . i don't even know what. which is kind of a really odd thing, in my opinion, because i'm doing this for me because i want to have a long healthy life. it has nothing to do with anyone else at all.

& i'm really just trying to get a better life for myself. i want to be healthy. & right now, except for being, oh, around 100 lbs + overweight, i'm very healthy. & one day i'll probably have demon spawn, i mean, children, & i really don't want to be that mom that tells her kids to go outside & play on their own because i don't have the energy to be active with them.

i do know that getting surgery isn't a "magic pill." it's also not the easy way out. it's the toughest thing that i've done so far, & i'm not even at the surgery part. i'm sure there are going to be plenty of times that i'm pissy & cranky because i hurt or something else. but i need to just remember why i'm doing all of this.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hang in there chica:) And don't feel bad about living your life for you!!
Big hug,
blond jen

Sarah said...

I would like to formally give a shout out to: Rebecca, Beckah, Becks, Beck, Becker, Beckers, B, Jeckah, Jecks, Becky (but ONLY at the group home), Chica, Princess, Angel, Sweetie, Hun, Honey, Goddess, & Kitten.

You can do it, sister. SO many of us are proud of you, for making a tough decision, and having the strength to go for it.