Sunday, March 09, 2008

body check

after thinking about the reality of how much weight i've lost & after seeing jenn & crystal yesterday i started thinking about the differences that have been happening in my body. many of my clothes i still don't notice a huge difference in how they feel, but there are a few of my clothes, mainly shirts, that are becoming looser. i've also come to grips with the fact that i did previously wear most to all of my clothes pretty tight. not obscenely tight or anything, but i do lean towards fitted clothes when given a choice. i kinda think that comes from years of poor self image coupled with feeling like the ugly duckling with no chance of turning into a swan (i spent years wearing baggy clothes before they were made popular by rap) & then waking up one day & realizing i'm one sexy bi-atch & i shouldn't hide behind over-sized clothes.

one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.

my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.

there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.

it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.

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