i've lost count of the times i given up on you, but you make such a beautiful wreck, you do, there's a tavern on the corner called the milky way, and you look so at home there it makes me afraid
~shawn mullins, beautiful wreck
for once i'm not blogging about myself. i heard this song about a month ago & it reminded me of a friend of mine, B, & i had made a mental note to do a blog, then i spaced it, forgot, heard the song again yesterday & this time made a physical note instead of just a mental one (my memory has been spotty at best lately). sometimes a song, or part of a song, or something will just tug at my heart & this one does, especially when i think of B.
he's someone that i've known for sometime. we've been in & out of each others lives for a few years, & there is something about him that just makes me want to cry sometimes. he's got a sadness behind his eyes, even on the rare occasions that he smiles that sadness is still there. i know that i have a tendency to attract people that "fixer-uppers" because there's something about me that i attract people that need a nurturer in their lives.
but maybe why i keep B as a friend is because he doesn't take advantage of that. & while i do try to help people & have tried to fix people in the past, somehow i've never tried to fix him. & that seems odd to me. but in a good way i think. all i've ever been is his friend. no judgements, no questions, just his friend. & sometimes all anyone needs is a friend.
the past couple years things have been rough for me, not gonna lie about that. & i know B's had a rough time of it too. we've both been kinda wrapped up in our own personal demons & struggles. i think i'm finally coming out on the other side, but i know he's still stuck in a pretty dark unhappy place. & i don't know how to help. & it's so fucking hard. i love him. not in love with him, but i love him & i can't help & it hurts.