Tuesday, March 11, 2008

thought of the week: march 9-15th

it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then i kick the living shit out of me

lit, my own worst enemy

sometimes i am my own worst enemy, i know that. & it's been pretty true in the past, but it's also something that i've worked hard to rectify in recent years. i know i'm kind of a weird girl in that i have been able to have physical relationships with guy friends & remain friends. not like i make a habit of sleeping with my friends, i'm really making myself sound worse than i am, but it's something that i've done in the past. i guess i always took a different view on it & i saw it as a good thing that after the physical relationship was done i was able to remain friends with my former lovers. i've always said that i'm unlike most girls out there. & i'm now starting to believe that i'm really unlike most people in general.

last night i got into a pretty heated argument with a guy because he has issues with the fact that i am still friends with former lovers & that there has been one that i've been with somewhat recently. my friend/former lover & i both know there is no chance of a relationship between us ever & we're both ok with that. we have a really awesome friendship. we can hang out & not be physical, but when we are it's satisfying for both of us & there's not guilt or complications or issues. so this guy i was talking to on the phone last night, we've been out a couple times & he basically told me that if there is a chance for a relationship between us that i would need to agree to never be alone or go out with my male friends that i've slept with. as in i couldn't even go to perkins for coffee. i retorted by saying no one will ever tell me who i can & can't be friends with.

i can understand a guy not wanting me to go hot tubbing with a former lover, or go away for a snowboarding weekend, or go to vegas, but perkins for coffee? the more i think about it the madder it makes me. seriously furious gang. when i am in a relationship with someone i am the most loyal person ever, more loyal than a german shepherd. right now i'm not in a relationship with anyone so the only person i really owe my loyalty to is myself.

after the phone argument i talked with a few of my friends about all of this & my friends consensus was basically: fuck him. if you're not even dating him exclusively & he's already trying to put limitations on your life & control you this will be a bad thing. now that's a composite of what i heard from a couple different friends, & some had a more eloquent way of saying it, but that was the basic sentiment. & it's not like i want to keep any kind of physical relationship with my friends when i'm dating someone, but i want to still be friends. in the past when i've ignored my friends relationship advice i've been burned. think i'm going to listen this time.

as for the quote, it had been suggested to me that maybe i'm being a bit self destructive. i don't think i'm being self destructive by remaining friends with former lovers. but since my surgery i haven't taken the best care of myself. i need to force myself to drink more water, make sure i'm having three meals a day, getting in all my vitamins, & getting enough sleep. i also have a long history of trying to do too much at once & stretching myself too thin. in that way i really am my own worst enemy. but i'm working on a truce.

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