Thursday, May 22, 2008

mayhem & mischief in the mail

the great usps raised the rate of a first class stamp. AGAIN. to mail a letter it's now something ridiculous like 42 cents. i just bought stamps back on march 1st, a whole book of 41 cent stamps. yeah, fuck. who the hell keeps a bunch of 1 cent stamps around? not i. yeah, it's tempting to past a penny to the envelope with a 41 cent stamp. if only that would work. but i don't think that'll work & it'd just delay my bills from their destination.

today i had to mail my car insurance & all i had was a bunch of 41 cent stamps. so i had to put two on the envelope to get enough postage. it was a little after 7pm, i'd been at work for almost twelve hours, hadn't taken a lunch break. i was still high on caffeine from my morning coffee. i also have a bit more energy now than i did before, which is nice, but makes me a little hyper. ok, a lot hyper. especially when i spike that natural high with a drug like caffeine.

i was sitting at my desk, on the phone with april, lamenting the fact that i was paying 82 cents to mail a check with a payment coupon for my car insurance. & i said "i'm tempted to throw a couple pennies in there just to feel like i got my money's worth." & then while bouncing ideas around: nickels, paperclips, assorted non-sense, i realized i had the exact right thing in my purse to send along with my insurance payment of six hundred some odd dollars: a condom.

in hindsight, & by that i mean after i got out the sharpie, after i wrote messages on the front & back of the ultra thin lubricated trojan, after i sealed it in the envelope & after i dropped the stamped envelope in the drop box at the post office, after all that it seems like a fucking bizarre thing to do. & i am semi curious how that's going to be received at the payment processing center. what a rip it'll be if the envelopes are opened by machine. my hope is they're opened by people & it makes someone smile. that it makes someone's day. that it makes it around the payment center. & the story ends up on the net. & in case it does. i took pictures to prove it was me : )

so below are pictures of the front of the condom, the back, & then the condom with the 2-41 cent stamps that inspired the whole damn thing.

the front of the condom says: "your insurance makes me feel protected too ->"

the back says: "thanks farmers! :)"

& finally the condom with the inspiring 41 cent LOVE stamps just before the envelope was stuffed. . . .yes, that was meant to be dirty. wicked dirty.


Mike Connor said...

The United States Postal Service: we've always delivered for you.

Today, we affirm a partnership long rumored, often denied, and now finally -- blissful, blissful reality.

Today, the USPS announces a new coupling. We've partnered with the Trojan Company, a quite substantial maker of premium prophylactics.

Together, we've gained an understanding of new stances and positions -- because it always pays to look at things from new angles, however unusual or uncomfortable they might make us feel at first. Now, we're all ready to expand in some exciting and directions.

In union with our (very) close new friends at Trojan, we proudly introduce a new member to our already widespread lineup of services:

*Extreme* Priority Mail.

We at the USPS have a long-standing tradition to uphold: "Whether rain, hail, sleet or snow, we will always come through; we will not rest before the job is done."

Now, with *Extreme* Priority Mail, we further expand upon this tradition of tireless service. From this day forward, our unflagging devotion to duty includes delivery to areas of great heat and extraordinary humidity.

Packages both large and small will find their way to the addressee, no matter how obscure, well-concealed, or limited the recipient's personal space may be. We'll deliver what you need, when you need it -- even to tropical environments -- even if you're hidden somewhere deep in the jungle!

What's more, we're on call 24 hours a day. We'll happily provide service to either your front porch or your back door any time, day or night -- and it's even OK if you'd prefer to leave the light off.

*Extreme* Priority Mail: Use it, and you say, "My darling, I care so much I wrapped the package."

*Extreme* Priority Mail: Finally, proof that that the postman *does* always rings twice -- or as many times as your doorbell will humanely allow.

[Delivery facilitated by USPS-provided, fluid-resistant, conveniently wrapped, disposable tube.]

beckah said...

*LOL* ok. that is almost as funny as me mailing condoms with my car insurance payment.