Sunday, June 08, 2008

checking in, body dismorphia, & you're craving what now?!

one of the big questions i get a lot is "how much weight have you lost?" not a question i mind answering at all, & i realized i haven't answered it here on my blog in a while. when i weighed in yesterday morning i was 192.8. which means that from my all time high of 323 i'm down 130.2 lbs. yeah. i've lost a whole human being. & not just a kid or an olson twin, but a real sized human being! i've lost almost what hcmc told me would be my ideal weight if i have never been morbidly obese.

i actually have such a hard time wrapping my head around the numbers sometimes because they seem so unreal. but they're true. & i have to say that even though i did wind up going the surgery route, i did lose a pretty healthy chunk of weight on my own prior to surgery. just before i started the liquid diet i was hovering around 258 or so, which means i lost a good 60+ pre-surgery on my own, which is a damn good accomplishment.

i've taken to staring in mirrors. i mean. i'm one sexy bitch. i was a sexy bitch even at 300+ lbs, but i'm just dead sexy now *winks* but seriously. i'll look in the mirror at times & i kind of can't believe my eyes. i also have taken to running my hands up & down my sides. i can feel ribs now. i don't recall that sensation before. i've also become obsessed with my hip bones. when i lay on my side watching tv they jut out just a little bit & i can bump my fingertips along the bones. it is the damned oddest thing to suddenly experience. but i'm really enjoying all these new experiences.

last week i had an OMG, you're frickin kidding me moment. rachel & i went to the death cab for cutie show (i will be writing more about this soon). afterwards i wanted to get a t-shirt. so i asked the girl selling them if she had any larges or extra larges. she handed me an extra large. i then asked rachel if she wanted one (my treat cause this was her birthday gift) & she said yeah. she also held up the xl & said "becks, i think you'll need something smaller." so i gave the xl to rachel cause it fit her & asked the girl if they had any larges, which they didn't. so i got a medium. as rachel & i were walking out of the orpheum i said something about it fitting me in a few weeks or so.

when i got home from dropping her off at her place i held it up & realized it looked about the same size as one of my other tees i've been wearing, so i figured what the hell & tried it on. & it fit. yeah. the fucking medium tee fit me. i almost died. i then wore it to work on tuesday to work & then proceeded to tell everyone my story of the t-shirt saga. i think fairly soon some people i know may start punching me in the face over the size thing. i do often tell people when i get into a new size. i just find myself gobsmacked & need to share my sense of wonder. then again. i am cognisant that my wonder is not everyone's.

it's so odd because i really have no clue at all what size i wear. it seems to vary so widely lately that i really can't keep up. & i think that because i've lost so quickly, which yes, i realize was part of the point of getting this surgery, but because i've lost so quickly i think my mind is having a hard time coming to grips with all of this at times. i hold up clothes, think "yeah, that'll fit over my left thigh, if i'm lucky" & the thing fits perfectly, or is a little bit big. i'm sure that once i'm a year or more out from surgery & the weight loss stops i'll get a better handle on all of this. & i'll be able to look at clothes & tell if they'll fit or not, or at least do it with a bit more accuracy.

with as rough a time as i had early on, things are getting better. i'm able to eat a bigger variety of foods. i'm no longer a vegetarian (thank heavens, that almost killed me!) i still don't get hungry, but i do find that i'll have a food that actually tastes good, or if it's easy to digest, i'll wind up craving it for a while. which is the strangest damn thing, because i really don't feel hunger, yet i get cravings. for a while there i was on an eggroll kick. but it had to be vietnamese eggrolls from village wok. & then after that i went through a chili phase. part of that may have been that i had enough to feed the eighth army in my fridge. last week was chef salads. this week i'll be eating plenty of chili again because i thawed some of the stuff i froze. not sure if i'll be craving it or not.

let's see, what else. OH! & i've developed intolerance to both milk & sugar. for a while i was drinking milk three times a day & it was my sole source of nutrition. now i get really sick & feel sluggish & icky when i drink it. which makes me sad. as for the sugar. i can have a little bit, but i can't have really sugary things or i get sluggish & sleepy & feel general malaise. so no byerly's cake for my birthday as in years past. the frosting is too harsh for me. instead my family is getting the reduced sugar cake mix, making that, using sugar free jello, & light cool whip to make a "poke cake." & i'm hoping that will be ok & not make me sick. the sugar thing is tricky because while sugar makes me sick, i still have an incredible sweet tooth. yeah, there's a nice loop the universe threw at me. BUT! i've found a way to cure my sweet craving without getting sick. i just eat one of two of the strawberry frosted mini wheats at the end of my meal. i get my sweet craving taken care of, i don't get sick, & they're not horribly bad for me.

there is plenty more to update in my life, but my computer is telling me it's near midnight. my eyelids are drooping. & they boys (anthony & leif) are giving me dirty looks because i'm still awake & all up in their kool aid. either that or they're pissed because when i got home from work i gave them carrots instead of yogurt drops or frosted mini wheats or life cereal. they're definitely spoiled little boys :) either way, more to come soon.


Anonymous said...

that is more like it...gracias mi chica bonita! (little spanish for
(blond) jen

beckah said...

de nada. (is that spanish?) & i do need to blog as much as i work at my FT job. . . .three days this week & 35 hours already! ack.

Anonymous said...

yes it is! good job!

(blond) jen