Monday, July 14, 2008

what's normal?

weighing in around 181 lately. which is frustrating beyond belief to me because i want to be in the 170's so bad. the only weight i remember being under 200 lbs was 180. & that was when i was 14 & in eighth grade. so once lately at work the comment i get most often is "you're shrinking away into nothing" or "you're just disappearing" or something of that ilk. basically telling me i'm getting way to skinny. once i'm into the 170's firmly it's going to be huge for me. it'll be "virgin weight territory" for me.

i'll admit i haven't been to the gym. the last time i was there was before my exploratory surgery, the day before my ER visit actually. i did get the medical okie-dokie to go ahead with any activity i want, just to go slowly. so i'm not supposed to immediately go to hard core weight lifting when i've done pretty much nothing since january, which is, of course, a DUH statement. i know once i get back to the gym, even if it's just walking for 30 minutes every other day that's going to help push my body out of this little plateau i seem to be stuck in. i also am anxious to start weight lifting again & really get back to my pilates & yoga. i'm also currently in the middle of a fucking wicked back injury, so that blows pretty hard core :( just sleeping, working, or being conscious is pretty painful, so i'm still not going back to the gym quite yet. & unfortunately back injuries just take time & pampering to really get better.

my long range plan is to do yoga or pilates every morning before work, & then do weight lifting after work. & by long range i mean i'm hoping to be to that level of activity by the end of july 2009. i used to work out twice a day for a total of 2-4 hours a day, & that was a combination of weight lifting/cardio in the form of the firm videos & then also pilates. i won't be going back to 4 hours a day of working out just because i have work, my ratties, my ferrets, a boyfriend, family, friends, & my writing, all of which i'm trying to balance & give each one enough time without shorting any of them.

looking & i told her that most days when people say i look thin that i want to respond with "yeah, so friday afternoon i met with my thesis advisor, deborah, & she was telling me how good i'mi'm thinner than the fat girl i used to be, but i'm still frickin big." & she said that i'm not big at all, that from her point of view i look "normal." so what is normal? i thought i heard recently that the average american woman wears a size 14. which, i'm still bigger than that. my shirts are around a size 12 (men's medium or ladies large) & most of my jeans are a 16, but those are kinda getting big on me right now. so i guess if i'm almost a size 14 then i'm nearing the size of the average american woman, but that does also take into account that there are people who are a tiny size 0 & then there are people who are a lot bigger.

my body perception is so bizarre lately. when i lay on my side my hip bones jut out a bit, even though i have plenty of flab on my thighs, belly, arms....pretty much all over. & now my rib cage is fairly prominent, same with my shoulder blades. my wrists are tiny enough that when i work at the group home i carry clothes to the residents rooms by hanging the hangers off my wrists while grabbing all the folded items in my arms. but then i can't wear my doc martin knee boots because my calves are still pretty chunky....which totally blows that i can use my wrists as a clothes bar but can't wear my knee boots. how is that even remotely fair?

according to the BMI charts that so lovingly grace the walls of every single fucking doctor's office a person walks into, i am still obese. at 181 lbs, wearing about a 14/16 & nearing what is the average size of the american woman, i'm still obese. i won't be "overweight" until i'm 174 lbs. it would be 179 if i was 5'5", but being a really short girl at 5'4 1/4" it's more like 174-ish. i know it's all just numbers not based on any kind of physical reality of a person, but still, thos numbers can matter. if, for instance, i needed to buy some life insurance, that's part of the calculation. it blows, but it is. according to the BMI chart i won't be a "normal" weight until i'm 145 lbs. it does make me wonder though, since i can feel certain bones jutting out pretty regularily now, how would i look at 145? or if i make it down to the 133 that HCMC deemed to be my ideal weight (had i never been fat).

once i reach the elusive 179 my next goal that i'll be striving towards is 161.5. once i reach that weight then i will have lost, since my highest weight, officially half my body weight. i do have some pics from when i was alot bigger. the ones i have on my computer are all hovering around 290 or so, i'd have to search through old pics at my parents' to see if i can find a picture of me around my highest weight. but i should put something up soon. i don't even have a recent picture of myself to put up. but, i'm getting my hair done on tuesday evening, so maybe i'll have my stylist take a picture of me. i'll need to remember to wear something ultra cute that day.

but back to the blog title: what IS normal? for weight, for size, for all of it. i really don't know anymore.

update (7/14/8): here is a pic from my birthday. my brother was just snapping random pics with my digital cam & i didn't know he was taking it, & i'm not super psyched about it, but here it is for now.

No comments: