Thursday, September 18, 2008

thought of the week: september 14-20

he's just a boy and i'm just a girl, can i make it anymore obvious? we are in love, haven't you heard how we rock each others world!
~avril lavigne sk8r boi

i haven't mentioned E much on here except in passing; but he's simply fabulous. it's been almost five months that we've been together & it seems like so much longer in one way, & in another i can't believe it's been that long. our first date was on may 1st, which is actually really nice because it makes it easy to remember & figure out. within the first seven days of our first meeting in person we'd been on five dates & we were pretty much inseparable; but not in that creepy ew-that-couple-is-wearing-matching-sweatpants-set way.

things have been kind of tough at times. he's been really busy with work. because he does freelance work summer is his busy season, so we usually only get to see each other once a week. back in the middle of the summer there was a time where we went ten days, two weeks, something like that between seeing each other. & then he's had to spend quite a few weekends working: going to conventions & things like that. even though E has been really busy he makes time for me. we chat almost everyday online, or we'll talk on the phone.

just like tonight. he had to finish a project for a freelance project, & get ready to head up to duluth for the weekend for a different project, but he & i went to dinner & then hung out at his place watching total drama island & south park so we could spend just a bit of time together. sometimes on the weekends that i work at the group home we'll hang out & watch tv for a bit after i get done with work.

it's all those little things he does that show me that he loves me. there's so many little things that i can't even list them all out. he's been really wonderful over the time we've been seeing each other. & there have been some tough times. his ferret sophie got sick & had to be put down. there was my second surgery. & now my eating disorder. but none of it has been a source of stress for us, we've been getting through all of it together.

so yeah, we are in love & we totally rock each others' worlds.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

hard questions & harder answers

i saw my grandma today for the first time since, um, sometime in july. the last time i saw her was at a family potluck at my aunt's house, so it's been a good month & a half to two months. she couldn't believe how much weight i've lost. in the beginning after my surgery that was a really good thing, a thrill, when people would tell me how much weight i've lost. now it's a mixed bag. i looked at my mom when my grandma commented on how skinny i'm getting. her face reflected what i was feeling. it was meant as a compliment, & my grandma doesn't know about what i've been struggling with lately, so i can't fault her for it, but even though the comment on my weight was meant as a compliment, it makes me uncomfortable now when people mention it. but i still smile & take it as a good comment.

my grandma asked me when i'd stop losing weight. i honestly don't know so i told her my weight would probably level out very soon. she also asked me what would happen if i didn't stop losing weight. & i really don't know. i know that there are some people, not many at all, but a few, that after bariatric surgery can't stop losing weight & have to be medically managed so they don't get sick. i think it's still too early to determine if that's going to be the case with me. what i do know is that there are certain areas of my body that are getting much too small.

the other day E & i were curled up talking at my apartment and he asked me how much i weighed, so i told him about 165, which was my weight that morning. he also asked me if i've been exercising & i admitted i haven't been (this is something i really miss & i want to get back to). & then he told me he's worried about me, that i'm getting too thin & he can feel my bones when he holds me. he said he thinks i'm losing muscle & he's worried about me. i know it was really tough for him to tell me that, & i'm glad he did, but it's still hard. i look in the mirror & my collarbones stick out, my shoulder blades stick out. no one else sees it, but my ribs are pretty visible under my skin & i can't sit on a hard surface for too long or it's really painful for me.

i was talking to this guys at work, nelson, who is a certified personal trainer & was working with me & some of the other QAs. his wife had bariatric surgery & he asks me how i'm doing every time i see him. i told him about the eating problems & some of the other stuff & he said it sounds like i'm losing muscle, the same thing that E said. the only way for me to recover that is to start working out again, but i'm also almost scared to do that because if i don't get enough calories in, & especially enough protein in, i'm just going to burn more muscle.

as much as i try to get enough food, the right kinds of food, i know that i'm malnourished. i take my vitamins, i'm pretty good about that most of the time, i try to make "good" choices. but it is so fucking hard. i still can't always digest everything well, or i'll eat something & it'll make me sick, or i'll eat something & i have to stop after two or three bites because if i put one more morsel in my mouth i'll spit everything up. i really do kinda wish i could just have milk & not deal with food.

my mom & i were talking about the emily program & i told her that even though i didn't want to admit i needed help i'm glad i did it now instead of waiting until december. i also told her that i felt like if i had waited until after i saw christine in december that i may have been sick enough to have to go to an inpatient program. & then my mom said what i had been thinking, but didn't want to say aloud because i didn't want to be overly melodramatic. she said she didn't think i would've been able to make it to december.

i was at ragstock with steph thursday night getting some new clothes. while in the dressing room i had a really scary moment. i looked in the mirror & i didn't recognize myself. my face & neck & shoulders all looked too thin. & then in the same moment i told myself that i needed to lose weight that i was really too big, that my thighs, tummy, calves, & upper arms were just unacceptable. it scared me. no one would argue that i do have those flabby parts, but i do think there are several people who would argue that i really don't need to lose anymore weight.

my grandma asked me if i would be ok not losing anymore weight. my honest reaction to that is no. i want to be under 150. i need to get as far away from 200lbs as possible. i don't want to be overweight, even by a little. in order for my bmi to be in the "normal" range i need to be 145 or less, so i still have twenty pounds to lose. when i say things like that my mom gets really mad & talks about the "damn unreasonable insurance charts." & maybe she's right. maybe losing that much more is unreasonable, but maybe not.

i've been talking about this with my close friends, my mom, & E, but it's still hard at times. it kind of seems like every day is a bit more of a struggle. i was at my parents' house tonight & i got so sick that i passed out for a couple of hours. they tried waking me up & i just couldn't wake up. i would come to just long enough to mutter a couple of words & then i was out again. maybe it was exhaustion, maybe it was worry, maybe it was more than that, i don't know. but it scared me, & it really scared my parents. they really didn't want me to even leave their house, but i had to get home to play with the fuzzies. i couldn't let my kids get cage crazy, they need their run time & their playtime with me...they're very social.

april was telling me that dave, her fiance, can't understand how i can deal with having five ferrets in addition to my two rats when i have so much else going on in my life. & i admit it seems like there is something insane about taking on that many fuzzies, especially when they need so much love, care, & attention. but they really are saving me in a way. i love my furry little ankle biters (very true in the case of podo & slightly true with cass & doodle). they keep me balanced. they keep me from overworking. my little guys love me completely & unconditionally & depend on me 100%....& that makes me work even harder to try to be healthy. my family & E support me & it's not like i discount all their love for me. & i care so much about them that i am working towards getting better for me & for them. but there's something else about having my kids that helps me out. maybe it's that while they look at me with concern in their little faces, mostly they just look at me with adoration & all they want is to play. there's something very relaxing about that.

Friday, September 05, 2008

just like the partridge family

last night the kids & i went on a field trip for a playdate with E's ferrets. first off, i have SO much more respect now for everyone i know that has kids. i am cognisant of the fact that my ferrets, while they are my kids, are not actual babies (i haven't gone THAT far around the bend). however, it took a lot of work to get them out of the house. while i was packing their stuff i woke them up, but left them in their cage, hoping they'd use the bathroom before we got going....just like my mom! she STILL asks me if i've gone to the bathroom before we leave for shopping. old habits, right? i had to get their travel cage ready. instead of a cat carrier or medium dog carrier i actually have a CAGE cage for the five to travel in. it's the starter ferret cage that i got with cass & sun. i have two hammocks hanging in it for them, there's room for one of their small litter pans, & of course there's a food dish. i do need to get a small water bottle for the cage too. in addition to trying to get five ferrets to use the litter pan i also had to pack a bag with some of their toys & their treats.

i put the kids into the travel cage one at a time...they were not at all happy. it was our first field trip. for cass & sun they'd been in the small carrier to come home & then go to the vet. same with nyddah. podo & doodle had just been in a carrier to come to my place. so they haven't had a lot of fun times when being put in a small space & then into a car. after all that it was then time to get me, my purse, my laptop backpack, the kids' "diaper bag", & the kids into the car.
yes, it took two trips from the house to the car. luckily for me when i got to E's house he carried in the cage for me so i just had all the other stuff & our dinner to contend with.

for anyone contemplating getting ferrets i want to say, the more you get in one room the craftier they get. i swear nyddah & podo both became much more naughty & mischievous when i got them out of the cage & playing with E's four ferrets. but, the fun part is all their individual personalities start to show too. yesterday podo showed us that she is actually part monkey & that she'd a damn stubborn little fert. she managed to climb E's "ferret proof" gate & get out of the play area twice successfully. & then for a while i just stood next to the gate while she climbed up to the top, i picked her up, put her back, & we'd repeat the whole process again. i'm proud of myself that my will was stronger than the ferret's. nyddah is just crazy smart, a little bit more of a monkey than i knew, & i think part sugar glider because she was jumping from furniture to furniture.

the line up last night was: nyddah, podo, cassidy, sundance, doodle, sue, moxie, jack, & lily. E's little girls sue & lily look a bit similar to my girls. sue is darker all over so there's no real way she could be confused with my girls. lily is a bit lighter like mine, but on her front paws the tips of her toes are very light, almost like she has a little fuzzy french manicure. i knew cass was a big boy, but seeing him next to E's ferrets was really eye opening. E's roomie di said he was the biggest ferret she had ever seen in her life. & then there's always the photographic proof: that is E's "big boy" jack on top of cassidy. they were wrestling & jack climbed on top of cass to try to get the upper hand. cass is a whole head longer than jack & weighs quite a bit more than him. although, even doodle & sun are bigger than jack....i guess i just have big ferrets. although, sun & doodle are pretty well proportioned. poor cassidy. he had a blast running & playing & wrestling with the other ferrets, but he wasn't able to play in all the same places they were. he's just my chunky monkey & can't wriggle into all the small places the other kids can.

i've only been able to get a few "family" pictures of all five of my ferrets. one was when they were playing in the shower & the rest were when they were in their cage. i tried really hard to get a picture of all nine, but the best i could do was five. but, it does show the size difference between my guys & E's. cass is at the top horizontally, the really big guy, & sun is across the bottom horizontally. then from left to right it's jack, moxie, & either podo or nyddah (i honestly can't tell). lily & sue are the real tiny babies of the gang, but they're not in the pic. they are a smidgeon smaller than my girls. doodle is also conspicuously missing, but he's bigger than sun & smaller than cass.

all in all everyone had a good time. it was chaos, but slightly controlled chaos. E & i also came to the conclusion that no matter what a group of ferrets is technically called, it's really a riot. everywhere we looked there was a ferret climbing, chasing, or getting into something. but the kids had a good time. when it was time to put them back in their cages the only one that really fought it was doodle (i swear, that ferret has more energy than any two of the other ones.... he's like a ferret on speed). but even he settled down once he was back in the cage.

right away. when i was putting my kids away i saw we did have a few panic moments because we wrangled up jack, lily, moxie, doodle, & podonyddah was curled up in the cage in the hammock. that left cass, sun, & sue on the run. we found sun curled up in the bottom of the living room chair. i finally rechecked my cage & cass had crawled into the cage & had gone to sleep in the bottom corner in the crinkle tube which is why i didn't see him at first. so just sue was on the lamb. E, di, myself, & another roomie of their lp all looked. we looked under furniture, in cabinets, in bags, window sills....everywhere she could possibly be. E was getting pretty upset & she just was no where to be found. finally di asked if we were really sure she wasn't in the cage. i had put lily, jack, & moxie in the cage, but that didn't mean she wasn't there. i had originally missed cass & he's twice her size. E checked & she was curled up in the bottom pocket of a hammock totally hidden from view.

all in all it was a very successful outing. no one got lost, everyone had a great time, & it was an adventure for all parties involved. it did actually make me think of the partridge family & the lyrics to their theme song "we had a dream we'd go trav'lin' together we'd spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on somethin' always happens whenever we're together." the whole trip was kind of an adventure. i was just missing the obnoxious music & the bus that looks like it was painted during a bad lsd trip. i also want to know, do five ferrets & a human count as a carpool? cause i really wanted to justify using the carpool lane last night. it's me & my kids. the highway patrol would have to agree if i was stopped, right? but, i think E & i will get the kids together again sometime. maybe next time he'll bring his four to my place. we'll see what happens. & hopefully i'll be able to be quicker on the draw with the camera.

Monday, September 01, 2008

a ferret blog?

E was over the other day & doing some stuff on my comp. he checked my blog & said "baby, your blog is all about ferrets!" i wanted to argue that it wasn't true, but i kind of thought about it & realized that he was right. i do blog about my "kids" quite a bit. but they're a big part of my life right now. they keep me busy & they are just so damn cute, how can i not take pics of them & blog about them?

a few weeks ago i was talking to my friend sinead & i said something about blogging/talking about my ferrets so much (this was before i got podo & doodle, & possibly even before i got nyddah). & she said it only makes sense that i would talk about them so much because they're an important part of my life. she was also saying that her blogging topics/habits changed when she had her son, fionn, because her life had changed.

my life is composed of seven main things: family, E, friends, work, my "kids" (the ratties & the ferrets), my food issues, & writing. while my family is very important to me i don't always mention them on my blog & rarely put their pictures up because i don't want to invade their privacy by putting them on here. because of his work E remains only E on here, although there may be more stories to come, we'll see. i also try to respect my friends' privacy. the friends that have blogs i will link on here, & of course i mention other ones like steph & jenn, both of whom are aware of their blog-famy. work is, well, work, who wants to read about it? i get money from it, occasionally some funny stories, but mainly it just takes up 40 hours of my life every week, 56 on the weeks i work at the group home. while i've been working on my thesis & my writing, i don't necessarily put it on here because i'm not at the point where i'm ready to just put all my writing on my blog, so i don't want to talk about it too much without putting anything up...that's just not fair to my readers.

this leaves the kids & my food issues. now that i've come out of the pantry about my food issues (yes, you all can laugh, that was funny & macabre at the same time).... so now that i'm out of the pantry i'll be writing about that more often. & i put up lots of stuff about my kids. i actually have quite a few pics of the kids that i want to get up here. today was bath day for the five of them.....which deserves a blog of its own to cover the pics & the full story. there is also the totally random stuff in my life that will also make its way onto my blog (like the state fair adventure i had with steph yesterday, that blog will be written & posted fairly soon too....also with pictures. although, not all the pictures that could have been...more on that too).

i will say that i handle the ferret stories with the same humor & irreverent attitude that i show to the rest of life in general (even if that is slightly egotistical of me...but anyone who knows me or has read even a smidgen of this blog knows i'm semi egotistical in a completely charming & endearing way), so hopefully it's amusing, even to those who aren't as into the little carpet sharks as myself. but, hopefully i'm getting some new ferret fans out there. they are just too damn cute & so full of personality.