Tuesday, December 09, 2008

& where the eff have you been lil missy?

i have no clue where november went. really, it flew by. not halloween weekend, but the weekend before E & i went on a mini vaca to duluth. then the next weekend my good friend april got married in hinckley & i was given the honor of being in the wedding so i spent the weekend out of town. since getting back to plymouth on november 2nd time has just flown by. my life has just been crazy & seems to be one crisis after another.

things at work have been crazy busy. there's also been a ton of BS at work that has been super stressing me out. may i just take a moment to say: i thought i left all the gossip, rumors, & childish cliques back in high school. oh, wait, no, it is STILL going on. pity that grown ups have to act so juvenile. the work shit doesn't deserve any more of my time or any more of my blog than this one paragraph, but it has really made me think of the trajectory of my life & what i really want to be able to say i did with my life when my last breath is drawn. & i have no room for pettyness & other people's egos in my life. it's completely undeserving of my attention.

there's been some family stuff going on, & since it's not really my issue i don't feel the right to air it in public, but it is amazing how much worrying about someone else can suck up your time, energy & strength. next week, wednesday, is going to be the culmination of all of this. so i do ask, please think good thoughts for me, if you pray, please say a prayer that everything goes well for my loved one.

& the weight loss? well, i struggle with it. i am still not working out. but i did order some stuff from amazon, some new exercises videos that i'm really psyched about. once i try them out i'll put up their info, some links, & do some reviews. i'm sure the fuzzies won't be happy having to stay in their cage while i work out, but i need to do it for me & they'll be ok. they really are spoiled little ones, i will admit. i've been going to my weekly therapy visits religiously. in a way it's been really difficult because i'm discovering just how deep a problem i have with food. & i think that this really may wind up being a life long struggle. i don't want to struggle, i don't want to obsess about food, but i find myself doing so.

last time i stepped on my scale i weighed 160. which is great, it's fabulous. it means since my highest weight ever i've lost 163 lbs, i mean, incredible, right? i've lost more weight than i currently weigh. & i'm still so unhappy about where i'm at. & i look in the mirror & all i see is fat. & i hate myself for saying that because i know i've come a long way & it does make me feel like an ungrateful brat. & it's not like i think thin equals happy because i know that's not true. but i'm still so unhappy with my body & the way i feel that i look to other people.

at target sunday evening i bought myself some new jammies. a two piece flannel bottoms & 3/4 length tshirt set & then a pair of footie jammies like when i was a kid. i picked out a large in the two piece set, but then the footies my choices were small, medium, and double extra large. i knew i didn't wear a 2XL. i picked up the medium, looked at them, i was doubtful, but decided i'd try them. i also decided to go for broke & swapped out the large in the two piece for a medium. i got them home & tried them on expecting them to not fit at all & i was gobsmacked that they both fit. they were roomy even. i kind of wonder if maybe a small would've fit. & at the same time i'm kicking myself that i'm not in a small right now. i keep thinking if i would've been working out all these last months i'd be so much better off.

i know it sounds unhealthy. & it is. i'm not even going to try to pretend it's normal. but i'm trying. & the emily program has been wonderful for me. my therapist is great. my nutritionist is really great. all the staff there are super nice & so are all of the other patients that i've encountered. what i will say is that if there is anyone out there reading this that has an eating disorder or struggles in anyway with food issues/body image: please talk to someone, please get help. there is help out there. the emily program has really saved my life. i'm not recovered yet, but i know that with the help that i've gotten, & i'll continue to get, that i can really & honestly beat my eating disorder.

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