Tuesday, January 27, 2009

new pics of me

here's some newer pics of me:

my eating disorder: my pet

as i go through therapy at the emily program i learn more about myself, my eating disorder, & how i fit into the big bad world with all of this. & maybe it's cause i'm a gemini, maybe it's because i don't want to BE my eating disorder, but i've started to think of my eating disorder as something outside of myself. it's like it's a part of me, but it's also something outside of me. it's like this little gremlin that is always perched on my shoulder, hanging off my back in an invisible little baby back pack, always just there, in my life, whispering in my ear.

quite a bit of the time i'm able to control my eating disorder, my response to life, but sometimes i'll see it pop up & be very clear & present in my life. i guess it's a good thing that i'm becoming very conscious of when i am in control of my eating & when my eating disorder is in control. my eating disorder is not all about losing weight, much of it is really about food & how i interact/react to food. historically i've used food to reward myself & make myself feel better. but i've also used food, or rather, denying myself food, as a form of self punishment. sometimes it's easier for me to try to eat my emotions away, or starve myself, than feel emotions. it's easier to feel the pain of hunger than to feel sad, hurt, disappointed, ashamed, or any other emotion.

but, ironically enough, while before my eating disorder (before my surgery, before i even knew i had an eating disorder) was all about control now it is a bit about weight. before i used food to soothe & as a self injurious weapon. now body image & weight have become wrapped up in my eating disorder. just like my relationship with food has changed, so has my eating disorder. last week i was at work in the bathroom & feeling kind of bad about myself. my jeans have been a bit tight lately, a couple of my tshirts are tighter, & my weight has gone up about 5 lbs. so i had been beating myself up pretty bad. well, someone that i don't see very often at work told me that i was looked like i've lost some weight recently that she could really see it in my face. the part of me that is ashamed of my protruding bones & visible ribs & all the other "too thin parts" cringed, but, my eating disorder was just like a little puppy being given a biscuit. she sat up nice & tall & beamed & wagged her little tail & was so happy. & i felt nauseous. & i then went to my desk & ate some peanut m&ms.

i am convinced that i'm experiencing all of this for a reason. i am very grateful that my insurance is covering my therapy & that i have a job that allows me to leave early once a week to attend therapy sessions. this could be a lot worse for me. i am friends with someone who has a binge eating disorder & her family is not supportive & just makes her feel bad about herself. she won't even seek therapy because she feels she has no one to support her in that. i'm very lucky in that my family, my boyfriend, all my friends are very supportive of me & try to help me in anyway that they can.

this past weekend i started officially working on my book about my eating disorder. & yesterday at work i started going through emails from my mom. i decided that i'm going to include emails from her & from my friends & sister in my book. i don't want to BE my eating disorder, i'm so much more than that. but right now this is front & foremost in my life. & it's that way for a reason that i have yet to be able to identify. it's also important of me to be honest in all of this. i don't want to sugar coat anything. i don't want to shy away from anything tough or difficult. not everything will make it right away to my blog, but that's why i'm also keeping a journal. i'm also keeping a journal to make sure that my memories don't get shimmery. & by that i mean that i forget the hard stuff, or make things seem tougher than they were.

Monday, January 19, 2009

welcome to the new year! (scare tactics, gremlins, ghosts, & the scary stuff)

welcome to the new year! despite the less than sunny subject line the new year has been pretty good for me. i rang in the new year at a house part at my place (luckily i wasn't hosting, the people upstairs were, so i didn't have any clean up or have to deal with any people in my actual place). it was about 3 hours into the new year & i'd been groped, received some indecent proposals, & an invitation for a threesome. so yeah, pretty much hit the ground running. since then it's been more craziness as i try to balance everything without dropping anything, most noticeably myself &/or my sanity.

for 23 days i had 9 ferrets so my life was pretty much insanity 24 hours a day. E was out of town for christmas & new years so i had my 5 fuzzbutts along with his 4 from december 18th through january 10th...technically i gave him his ferrets back on the 10th when he got back in town, but i'll say i had them through the 10th since i did have them most of that day. i will say though, my place does seem kind of a little bit empty without his ferrets here. but i do like the decrease in the amount of poop in the litter boxes & that i'm not always having to keep track of 9 ferrets, each of which is cunning & has 4 legs & can move a helluva a lot faster than me. for a while i felt like the count from sesame street "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . .1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . .1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . . ." i always had to count them at least three times once they were in the cage to be really really sure that i hadn't missed one of them after play time.

not even a month into the new year & i have had some scary moments. or, rather, scare tactics used on me. i'm still seeing my therapist every week for my eating disorder & then my nutritionist every other week. so the first wednesday of the year i saw both of them & within an hour & a half i had the crap scared out of me. my therapist told me that if i don't start eating again, really actually nourishing my body instead of the mindless eating bullshit, that it is a very real possibility that i could end up being put on a feeding tube. yeah, that does NOT sound like fun. i've worked with residents at the group home that have feeding tubes & even if it was a temporary tube through my nose instead of a g-tube or j-tube (both of which require surgery to place a port into the abdomen, the g-tube goes into the stomach & the j-tube goes directly into the intestines) it would not be good at all. i really don't want to end up needing a feeding tube. after my therapist i saw my nutritionist. she flipped through my food journal & talked with me & towards the end of the appointment told me that she's really surprised that i haven't had to be taken in & given IV fluids because i'm not taking in anywhere near enough fluids. i really wanted to cry when i left but i didn't because #1 it wouldn't change anything/help me #2 i knew they were both right #3 i didn't think i could spare the hydration that tears would generate.

i've been noticing that my eating disorder definitely cycles & i'll go through periods of not eating/restricting & then i'll swing back the other way & snack almost uncontrollably. neither of which is good for me because when i am eating a lot it isn't anything that is really redeeming. it's junk food that i know i shouldn't have, but in a way i almost feel unable to stop myself from eating it.

it's weird to know that i've been dealing with this since i was 7. my god, that is so fucking young! a friend of mine has a daughter that age & i look at her & i think she's so little & so innocent & that when i was her age i had a huge problem that i manged to keep from everyone & it scares the shit out of me for her. & i try not to obsess too much about this, or talk too much about it, because i'm sure the people around me are sick of hearing me obsess & whine about food, but right now this is what my life is revolving around. my life is my eating disorder, my fuzzies, & E. i have peripheral things that i deal with like money, work, the weather, cold/flu season, etc. . . but my life pretty much revolves around the first three that i listed.

i was out with my friend tina recently (i hadn't seen her since july) & i was telling her about my life/what's been going on & when i was talking about my eating disorder she said i talk about it like it's a real person. & it sometimes feels like it is a real person, or actually, more like an evil little gremlin that is always perched on my shoulder peering out & whispering in my ear. some days i do better & i can barely hear it & i'm OK, & other days it's really loud & insistent & i can barely hear myself think.

there are days i fight back. about a week or so ago i was at work & two of my coworkers were talking about going out to eat for lunch. & normally they'd invite me to go with them but my lunch was at a different time. so they were talking about heading to chipotle & they were debating if they should be "good" & go to jimmy john's or be "bad" & head to chipotle. i've been listening to talk about being good vs bad in relation to food a lot lately at work & all of a sudden something in me snapped & i interjected myself into their conversation & said "food isn't good or bad it just is!" & then they got super silent. awkward! it was a slightly crazy thing to say, but it felt good too. & i've had my bad days. like admitting to my therapist that i'm really afraid of feeling hunger again because if i feel hungry then it'll be harder for me to skip meals. or like last week at work when the supervisors gave us "nacho bar" for lunch i made my sister dish up first so that i could stick my finger in her cheese & try it because if the cheese tasted in anyway like peppers i wouldn't be able to eat it. (my therapist thinks my sister is really understanding & really nice because she let me do that....i'd totally do the same for her. she just doesn't care that much about peppery tasting cheese.)

it's been almost a year since my surgery & the past (nearly) twelve months have not been at all what i expected. then again, i'm not sure that i even knew what to expect after my surgery. i don't think that i did. i know i didn't. i went through the program at HCMC. i talked with people that had the surgery. i read websites & blogs. but i still feel like i went into the whole thing blind. i do not in anyway regret my surgery. i'd still do it again if i knew everything that would happen. right now eating & food is a really tough thing for me, it's the demon that's there every day: awake or asleep it's there. but i'm also now dealing with a problem that has been an underlying issue in my life for over 3/4 of my life. & it does feel good to know that i'm taking positive steps towards healing. & that i'm dealing with this now so that i don't pass down my food issues to my kids.

but, back on track. back to blogging. still juggling.