Friday, February 27, 2009

so what now?

good question. damn good question. wish that i had the answer to that. here's what i do know:
~march 10th i have my year surgery follow up at hcmc
~march 12th i'm headed to cali
~march 17th i'm back from cali
~march 20th i have my psych eval for possible medication script
~march 21st & beyond: not a single clue

one thing i know is that while i should be very content & happy with my job(s) i'm not. i want more out of my life. i want more than just the status quo. i deserve more than the status quo. i deserve spectacular. i do know that i can't get that just sitting around biding my time & waiting. waiting for what i don't know. it wasn't until just recently, like oh, the last 24 hours that i realized i have been waiting. waiting. watching. wondering. wasting. definitely wasting my time. & that's the most previous commodity that any of us has is our time. & i'm done wasting mine.

it goes against the grain of my personality. i tend to be a very giving person. a very loving person. a very accommodating person. but i need to be more selfish in order to protect my most import asset: myself. it's one thing if i get back as much from the person as i give, but i've come to realize that doesn't happen all the time. for instance, with E. it's been just like 2 1/2 weeks since the break up (& yeah, it still hurts at times) but trying to step back & take a look at what was really going on, he wasn't giving me as much as i needed. as much as i wanted. as much as i deserved. he expected me to respect what a precious commodity HIS time was, but he didn't give that same consideration to me often.

& he also didn't pay attention to me in the way i need when it comes to my writing. at times i felt like he didn't think writing was as important as the painting/illustrating that he did. which is complete & total bullshit. in a visual world how fucking hard is it to be a writer? the answer is: DAMN HARD! & while i kept up on his deviant art site & kept up on his projects i would often have to tell him over & over & over & OVER again what i was working on. which, let's face it gang, isn't that tough. i'm working on a novel, some poetry, & then a memoir about my eating disorder. that's basically 3 things i was asking him to keep track of. ok, yeah, a little hurt over that whole thing.

i deserve to have someone in my life that remembers those little things that i'm doing & makes it a priority to remember. i know some people have bad memories, but even if you have a really bad memory you should be able to keep a couple things straight/in your mind about the person you love/are in a relationship with. not like i'm saying E is a bad person or anything, because i'm not. but that is one of the things that bothered me is that i often felt like i was not as big a priority in his life as he was in mine. & that is a really bad feeling.

i really don't know what my plans are, honestly. right now i'm just trying to get through each day as best that i can. some days are harder than others. i miss E a lot, i miss our relationship, i miss the promise of all of that....but i know that i can't live in the past or in the promises of what once was. all i can really do is take what i have & deal with that.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

& another bit of beckah on the web

i created a deviant art page this morning before heading into work. it's listed under my list of links, but here it is:

i'll be posting poems & other pieces of writing there. of course, this will always be my blog, but it can't hurt to get my writing out into the world & seen by more people. right now there is only one poem on it because that's all that i had time to post before i left for work. but i have lots more poems to put up there....& another reason to write a bunch more. to get myself out there & keep people checking my deviant art page, my blog.

yes, yes i am pimping myself. pretty soon i'll be getting business cards too. thanks for the recommendation, sahara!

Monday, February 23, 2009

happy NEDA (national eating disorder awareness) week

february 22-28th is national eating disorder awareness week. what does that mean to me? i honestly don't know. this is something that i live with each day, every day, each moment that i'm awake. it's something that i battle with as i sleep. & in all the in-between places. i asked E if our break up has/had anything to do with my eating disorder. & he told me no. & i believe him. but he did say that it scares him that maybe i will die from it. fuck. i thought i was the only one that considered that. but i'm not. my mom said she's worried about me. that maybe one day my body will buckle under the strain of my eating disorder & it'll kill me. so there's at least two people.

how fucking lame would that be if i allowed myself to let this fucking disease over take me? i keep thinking that over & over. & then i think that i should be stronger. sometimes i try to make light of all of it & think what my dad said to me when i was a kid "be a cloutier. be a man." it's what anyone in my family says when things get tough & we need to be tougher. but just sucking it up isn't going to help me this time. i've been in therapy now for almost six months now & i do wonder if it's working or not. how is talking about my relationship with food going to fix anything? how much longer do i want to do this? how much longer can i do it?

i want to be healed already. i want to be ok. i feel so broken. vulnerable. fragile. i absolutely hate feeling like that. i hate that every interaction with food is a little battle for me. eating breakfast. packing a lunch. going out to dinner with friends. facing treat day at work. potlucks. anything & everything involving food becomes a dance for me. i want to be normal, but what is the normal? i feel like there are so many things that influence my every day interactions with & thoughts about food. but i don't feel that it's appropriate to blame "the media" or "society" or anything else. like any situation my eating disorder is complex. it's made up of so many little nuances, each of which influence each other & compound each other that there isn't an easy fix to any of it.

there's also a part of me that for some reason is resentful of my workplace reaction to all of this. not like i'd decorate my cube or put up a bunch of stuff talking about eating disorders. but there's something about the fact that it's been made clear that my eating disorder should be kept out of my work that is off putting to me. especially as the week starts that is supposed to be national eating disorder awareness week. yeah. something to ponder.

i want to write more, but i'm not quite sure what to say at this moment. & i need to take E's ferrets back to him. the longer i wait to leave the later it'll be when i get home.

Friday, February 20, 2009

when will thin be thin enough?

it's a question i've been asking myself a lot lately. today at work i was passing by someone & she said "you're SO thin!" & i just smiled & nodded because i didn't know what else to say or do. i was 155.8 this morning on my scale. yesterday morning i was 158.8. i don't think i really lost 3 lbs in one day, at least, i'm pretty sure that i haven't. i have been eating. yesterday it was more like 2 meals & a snack because i had this health screening at work at 11am & i had to fast for 9hrs before hand so i didn't have anything to eat until lunch time. on the plus side, my fasting glucose was 66 which is on the low end of normal so i don't think i really have anything to worry about with my blood sugar.

if i'm weighing 155 my bmi is around 26. still over weight. still frickin overweight! it makes me want to scream & tear at the walls. i was laying in bed this morning getting ready to get up & face the day & i can feel my ribs easily beneath my skin. my hips protrude from the skin. so do the edges of my pelvic bone. yeah, really, they do. i can feel my vertebrae all the way down my back. & it's painful. really painful to sit directly on your tailbone. trust me on this one. i know because i've been doing it. but i'm still not thin enough for me (for my eating disorder). but then, i'm happy because i'm just 10 lbs away from being in the "normal" BMI range. yes, sick, twisted, i know this.

& the BMI charts are a crock of shit in general. i mean, really, who do they apply to? i have met some of the thinnest, fittest, healthiest people that the BMI charts say are overweight. really? wtf, mate? at the health screening yesterday i mentioned to the health coach that i was concerned about my BMI & she looked at me like i'd suddenly grown a second head on my shoulders. & she asked about my fitness & i told her how much i used to work out & she said even if i'm still not that active (which i'm totally not) that my body has maintained some of the muscle & that definitely has an impact on BMI & that i really shouldn't be worried too much.

so what about HCMC's estimate of my weight? 132.7 is where they think i should be. so i still have another, um, 20+ lbs to go. i'm not shy about admitting that my thighs, stomach, upper arms all have fat that could be gotten rid of. also my calves are pretty chunky. then again, i was told yesterday that my face is really thin, too thin, & my upper body is really too thin also. if i were made of play-do all i would need is a little reshaping & sculpting to be all better. but i'm not made of play-do. & all i can do is start to exercise & hope that'll help some & then start saving for plastic surgery.

at this point i'm really not looking for perfection. i'd just like to be able to wear a short sleeved shirt without being SO self conscious. & i'd like to be able to wear a swim suit without being so hyper aware of how saggy & flabby my thighs are. yeah, exercise should help some. if i would've started exercising a year ago that would've been best because i would've been working out while i was in such rapid weight loss from the surgery, but i can't go back in time. & if i could, i'd probably want to change so much that i may not even find myself at the same place that i am right now because i would've changed the outcome of my life. (as an aside i finally watched the matrix a few weeks ago. yeah, probably a good thing i didn't see it a while ago. it totally messed with my head & is still tripping me up. i totally would've been much more paranoid for the last several years if i'd seen the matrix in the 90's. & i feel like i already blogged about this. did i really? or am i just experiencing deja vu because something was changed in the program? yup. good thing i didn't watch the matrix before).

i wonder when i really WILL be thin enough. will it be a number on the scale? will it be a clothing size? right now i wear anything between a 13 & 15 in jeans depending on the brand. t-shirts i wear medium or large, depending on the cut. i have lots of clothes that are bigger than that because they're cute & i'm trying to get as much wear out of them as possible. i never thought i'd find myself in this place. for the longest time i would've said that 13 would be just dandy! that to wear a medium or large tshirt would be just ducky! that to walk into victoria secret & fit nicely into their medium panties would be perfect. & yet. & yet. *sighs* & yet here i find myself obsessing as i look at my clothes, run my hands over my body, & criticize the reflection the mirror gives me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

finally: the charts from hcmc in december

my desk is being moved at work today. or rather, i'm being moved, the desk is staying where it is. so i was cleaning my cube & packing stuff up & i found my chart from my december appointment at hcmc. so i figured i'd put it up here. as of december my bmi was 27 (still over weight) & i'm still 26 lbs from hcmc's goal weight for me.

i still don't know how i feel about that. i don't even remember weighing the amount i do right now. yesterday morning i was in a meeting at work & i think i may have been the smallest girl in the meeting. that blew my mind & i was unable to concentrate for the rest of the meeting because i was trying to guess if i did weigh the least. & then at the same time i was thinking about my body & how i looked & just so dissatisfied that i weigh as much as i do. or, that i'm as big as i am. & i do realize that is a really fucked up thing to say because i see how thin, too thin parts of my body are. but then, but, i'll look at my clothes & think that they are huge & i'll touch my arms or legs or tummy & just get so upset that they aren't smaller.

& no, i'm not oblivious to how messed up this all is. evidently it's darkest before the dawn. i kind of hate that phrase. actually, i really hate that phrase. i hate any cliches that are meant to make you feel better, they literally make me sick. i don't like being sick & weak. i hate the fact that everyday is a struggle to get myself out of bed, dressed, & go into work to face another day. everyday i come home so exhausted & wrung out. & i let out my ferrets & i don't even really have the energy to actively play with them. on the one hand i'm lucky i have five because they have each other to play with. but i know they miss me. they'll come up to be & want to play, or give me kisses. & they give me this look. they are SO sad. & that just breaks my heart.

*sighs* i don't want to, i really don't want to, but i think that today i will ask ann for the referral to see a psychiatrist & get on a med temporarily. i feel defeated saying that. & i'm so damn scared that i won't be able to write any more. & i'm confused. & i am having trouble concentrating. it's 7:33am. time to head to work.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


i'm having chest pains right now & i hurt so bad i can barely sit on my couch. my doctor called & said all of my labs were normal except for my blood glucose, which was 145 & not fasting. so she is going to send me a lab slip & wants me to come in & do a fasting blood draw soon. i'm not terribly worried because i know that day was off. i had eaten barely anything, just mainly espresso with milk & splenda. i think maybe i nibbled something, i can't recall. honestly that day was a blur. i think that's a bit high, but it's not terribly high. i have to say though, wouldn't it be totally fucking ironic if i wind up having gastric bypass to get healthier & then i wind up getting fucking type 2 diabetes anyway? right before they drew my blood, as in, oh, one minute before, i had just finished drinking my coffee.

over the past couple days i've talked with some friends about the medication route. i still really don't want to do it, but i'm getting worse. a lot worse by the day. i go to work in the morning & i become a lot like a ferret. i hide my pain & put on a brave face & show people what they want to see. & then, at the end of the day, i limp home completely wrung out & exhausted. tonight i stopped at cub to pick up some fresh fruit & i was so fuzzy headed i could barely think while shopping. i got home & wanted to skip dinner because it just seemed like too much work to microwave something. in the end i wound up eating a couple of strawberries & a piece of pizza.

right now i feel so weak & everything seems overwhelming. & yeah, the bullshit with E weighs heavy on my heart. & my fuzzy cassidy is depressed & misses his sweetheart lily. & that hurts to watch cassidy be hurt & i can't do anything about it. yes, i know some people are thinking "they are just ferrets." but really, they are much smarter & more intuitive & sensitive than people think. & while i am hurting badly about E it's really my eating disorder that is more concerning.

some of my friends & family want to blame E for my decline in health, but this had started before last week. i've been treading water in terms of my eating disorder for a while. my life has been chaos since december & i've been trying to figure this thing out. every week i go to therapy & every week i try to do my best, in every meal, every day, every hour. it just seems like it's not enough.

& i keep hearing that i'm strong & i'll be ok & i'll get through this even stronger on the other side. but why can't i have faith in that? maybe because right now i'm running low on everything. well, almost everything. i am really fortunate in that i am getting a lot of support from my friends & family. last night a friend from the east coast called. he was talking with me online & called to see how i was. today another friend that i haven't talked to in a few weeks just randomly texted me. i asked him how he knew i needed a friend & he said he didn't know, just that i had been on his mind. & then sinead called me tonight. so i am very blessed. while i'm having difficulty having faith in myself i do have a lot of people that are showing they care about me & love me. i have to admit, that helps. just knowing that there are so many people around that care about me & really want me to get better & want to help me in anyway that they can.

while i really don't want to do it, i am thinking that tomorrow when i see ann i'll get a referral to see a psychiatrist at the emily program to talk about meds. like sinead & josey said, it doesn't have to be forever, maybe just for a little bit. & if it'll help me get evened out enough to get my eating under control & start to get healthy, then that's what i'll have to do. obviously being stubborn & living on espresso are not doing anything. oh caffeine, why have you forsaken me? i guess this just goes to show: there really are some problems that cannot be solved by coffee.

but, for right now. it's almost 10:30pm & it's taken me quite a while to finish this blog because i keep losing my train of thought..... & nearly falling asleep. so i'm off to bed & hoping for a good night's sleep.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

father knows best....well....sometimes...

i do love my dad, don't get me wrong. but sometimes i just wonder if he's ever met a girl in his life. i showed up all broken hearted & wounded friday night at my parents' house with ferrets & footie jammies in tow. & we're watching a movie & i'm trying to choke down a bit of pizza & he looks at me & says "men are like buses. if you miss one another one will come by."

really? that's what you're going to tell me when i don't know what's happening with the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life. damn.

so then today we're watching the history of gangs on the history channel. it was a two hour show that went all the way back to the start of america as a country & then talked about gangs all the way up to today. at one point there was a clip of "west side story" on the show & my parents started talking about what a good movie it was. i admitted that i hadn't seen it so my dad says "hey, it's on demand, let's watch it."

are you fucking kidding me? this time i looked at him & said "really. you are seriously suggesting that right now i watch a love story about a white guy & a puerto rican girl? are you kidding me?!" for anyone who doesn't know, E is from puerto rico. yeah. my dad. mr sensitive he's not.

but, his faux pas in the arena of love aside, my dad has a good heart & tries really hard. he also does the best he can by me & my siblings. & sometimes he does have some good advice. yesterday we were together most of the afternoon at the emergency vet because walker (my parents' dog) was super sick. while we were stuck in the uncomfortable chairs at the emergency vet with nothing to do but stare at the walls or talk to each other my dad & i actually talked to each other.

he's still not very comfortable talking about my eating disorder. he just doesn't get it. he thinks that all i need to do is just put my meals in this little pink bowl he gave me, each everything in that bowl three times a day & i'll be fine. on the one hand my dad is right. if i could just three times a day portion out a balance of protein, veggies/fruit, & carbs & then actually eat that, just that, no snacking, i'd be ok. the cynic in me says this sounds so similar to the way to "fix" a fat person. "just eat less and exercise more & you'll drop that weight in no time!" it's so easy in theory, from the outside the answer is simple & obvious. but when you're in that body, in that life, it's not so easy all the time to do what you should.

on the upside, getting to spend some time alone with my dad we got to talk & neither of us could run or avoid any issues. on friday i went to my doctor to talk about the issues i've been having with pain & all of that. my doctor ran a bunch of lab tests & then asked me a bunch of questions: are you throwing up, are you exercising, how often are you exercising, are you depressed, why aren't you eating, how often are you eating, & etc. she also had the lab do an ekg to see how my heart is holding up (it turned out normal) in addition to all the blood tests. i'll find out about the blood tests next week. she then looks at me & tells me that she thinks that i'm depressed & that i really should go on an antidepressant.

my therapist wants me to see one of their psychiatrists at the emily program & go on antidepressants. that was the one thing that i said up front i did not want at all: no pills. i was on paxil in the past & i couldn't feel anything. sure, i didn't feel sad anymore, but i didn't feel happy, angry, or anything at all. so i took myself off of that. then later i was on wellbutrin which was ok, except i would be fine & then all of a sudden i would be the most angry person on planet earth. there wouldn't be any reason for it at all, just suddenly i'd be filled with rage. once again, i took myself off that medication. now i know that those aren't the only two meds in the world that are meant to help with depression, but so far i've had bad experiences with two antidepressants.

when i told my dad both my doctor & my therapist think i need to be on antidepressants he got pretty upset on my behalf. & for once (unlike the bus reference or west side story incident) he had some good advice for me. my dad thinks, & i agree & this is what i think too, that there has to be SOMETHING else that i can try before i bend to the pressure & go on pills. my dad suggested i try this liquid vitamin that he takes called vibe. & then he suggested that i start exercising, even if it's just five minutes a day. he thinks between those two things that maybe it'll help my moods enough, & also my eating disorder, so that i don't have to go on meds.

& i agree with him. because i really don't want to go on meds. if i have to i will. & i guess maybe it'll make an interesting chapter in my book, but that's also why i don't want to go on meds. the two times that i've been on meds in the past they've seriously fucked with my head to the point of interfering with my ability to write. & i don't want to take that chance. it's just too high a price to pay. if i go on meds & they "fix" me enough to get my eating disorder under control, but then i'm not able to write, what good is it being "fixed" because the part of me that i value the most, that is really the essence of who i am, would be missing. seems a little like a catch 22. i don't know 100% for sure that the meds will fuck with my ability to write. but seriously, anything that chemically changes your brain cannot be great for you. & i don't know that i want to take a chance.

Friday, February 13, 2009

they're numbers, just numbers, scoob

stepped on the scale this am. 161.4. & i smiled. i was happy because earlier this week the scale said 165. my heart is broken. i feel emotionally torn asunder. but the scale rewarded me (my eating disorder) with a loss. & was it me smiling or my eating disorder? right now, my eating disorder is loud & has more control than she should. so it was her smiling. it was me. it was both of us. i shimmied into my size 14 jeans, which hug my hips & thighs & are a tidge tighter than i want them to be. but the scale has me so close to being back in the 150's. & all the while as i pull the jeans up, button & zip them. i'm thinking as i look down at my flabby belly & thighs that if only i could get rid of that fat that is hanging out. i don't want hollywood perfection (do i? no, i don't think so). i just want to be able to look at myself naked without feeling shame for the abuse my body has taken over the years.

i ate breakfast. but that wasn't until 10:30am (i think it was then). i forced myself to eat yesterday. my sister came by after work. she is a godsend. if she would not have been here i may have skipped dinner. & even with her here, watching me, i only ate about 1/3 of a piece of pizza. i tried. i really tried to eat more but my stomach clenched & rolled & i couldn't eat more. i felt like i didn't deserve to eat. didn't deserve food. i had to punish myself because it was my fault (even though i know it's not true & E said it's not true & dev said E is a fucking idiot for giving up the best woman on earth----have i mentioned i love dev for being such a loyal friend?) so even though i know that this is all E's issue(s) & it's nothing i did my eating disorder doesn't care. it's something for her to grab, hang on to, something for her to hold up in my face to tell me "see, if you let ME control your life things will be better."

how starving myself &/or binging will make my life better i don't now. eating disorders are a strange beast. they're a combo of medical & mental health issue. technically i see a therapist & technically my claims are paid from my mh/sa benes on my health insurance (mh/sa benes= mental health/substance abuse benefits). a lot of it is in my head & my response to food. the way that i deal with, or don't deal with, my emotions. but it has a lot of medical repercussions that are not necessarily evident with other mental health issues. i have a doctor appointment tonight because i am very weak & sick. i haven't wanted to admit it to anyone, but physically i'm sort of back to where i was this past fall....& no it isn't all of a sudden since the break with E. it's been going on before that. i've also had dizzy episodes & near passing out. my chest hurts. & i missed my last period (& no, i'm not pregnant). i confessed all this last week in therapy & i've never seen ann or amy so shocked. so yeah, i had to promise them i'd go to the doctor.

i haven't even lost that much weight recently. or starved myself (too much) recently. so i don't know why i missed my period. i'm on the pill so it should be pretty regulated. i thought that kind of thing only happened to girls who weigh like 100 lbs or less. i told my mom all this & i could hear her tears over the phone. & her response was "in nazi concentration camps women stopped menstruating because of extreme malnutrition because they were starved." isn't it amazing that my cabinets & fridge are stuffed to capacity with food & yet i'm starving & malnourished?

it makes me feel insane amounts of guilt. that i live in the richest country in the world, in a comfortable suburban home, with enough income to buy food, i do buy food, & yet i can't deal with it in a natural way. i know there are children starving here in my own country, here in minnesota there are children & people without enough to eat & i look at a piece of pizza & retch & feel nothing but repulsion. & when that guilt settles in sometimes i binge. but often i feel that if i can't be grateful then i don't deserve to eat at all. & then i starve myself (restrict as they say at the emily program). & i swing between binging & restriction. sometimes in the same day.

i'm sitting here at my computer & as i type i can see the bones in my hand move & it's oddly hypnotizing to see that. & i look down & i can see my clavicles protruding from my skin. & the part of me that is ME can't believe what i'm doing to my body. & my eating disorder is oddly pleased by it all. & then the writer in me thinks i need to get out my camera & take some pictures for my memoir because a picture really does need to be put in sometimes to convey a message. & in the end all these different parts are all me & i need to put them together to go on. i know that i can always go back to my parents. i know that they will always pick me up & put the pieces back together & make everything ok, or as ok as they can, but i need to do this myself in order to really recover.

when i was at the emily program on wednesday waiting for my appointment i was looking through the interactive journal in their waiting room. it's there for anyone to write anything they want in it. i was reading it & there was something in there that i swear my sister could have written. it was about how this girl was proud of her sister for admitting her problems & getting help & going through therapy for her eating disorder. & even though her sister thinks she is weak that she is really a very strong person, stronger than she knows & she's an amazing woman that can beat this disease. of course that's a paraphrase. i really wanted to copy the page, or take a picture with my iphone (maybe i will next week). & yesterday night when rachel was here she patted me knee, looked at me & said "you're stronger than you know. you'll get through all of this. i know that you will." my sister is an amazing person. she'll never know how much she means to me & how glad i am to have her.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

happy re-birthday. or not so fucking happy

i'm in a bit of a self pitying mood right now. yesterday i met with manager yesterday & heard her side of the eating disorder discussion at work thing & it seems to come down to the fact that there is the perception that people will not respect me, or look down on me, or see me as weak or otherwise not a "leader" if they find out i have an eating disorder. i think that's total bologna. but for the sake of respecting my manager & supervisor's wishes i'm not going to talk about it much at work anymore. i know. it's fucking pathetic that i can't discuss a medical issue when i work at a health insurance company, but whatever.

that was only part of the disaster that was yesterday. i was just in a funk pretty much all day at work. i went to see my therapist yesterday evening as per usual & a ton of stuff came up that i've been mentally sitting on for a while. issues that i was semi aware of, but not really aware of. so it looks like i'll still be in therapy for quite some time. it's an over used phrase & is often quoted in many situations, but it really is a marathon not a sprint. i need to remind myself of that often to keep things in perspective.

& then to top off the day i had a really difficult evening with E. basically my night last night ended about 6:30am this morning when i finally cried myself to sleep for a whole hour & a half of not very restful sleep. i woke up at 8am & tried to go to work only to be sent home because i looked like a train wreck. i had a splitting headache/migraine so i called in at 5:30am & said i'd be in late, by 1pm, to do my presentation. since i couldn't sleep i showed up at 9am thinking maybe i could do some work. & i really had no business going in. my eyes were red & puffy & i was pretty much a disaster. i wasn't able to say more than 6 words to anyone without bursting into tears.

so what happened? yeah, good question, one that i'd like an answer to also. *sighs* E said he needs some time to figure stuff out, that he needs a break from our relationship. & that killed me. especially considering my last post in which i basically shouted out that i'm so gaga head over heels in love with him & think he's THE ONE. yeah. i feel like an idiot. i really do. & i'm really hurt. devastated. & of course my eating disorder is using this as a wonderful excuse to jump up & have a say in my life.

but i do have some things going for me. i have a wonderful sister. i showed up at her desk today & pulled her into a room & told her what was going on & she hugged me & held me & told me that this really sucks but that i'm a stronger person than i realize & i'll get through it. she's going to stop by my place after work & spend some time with me so that i'm not alone (i mean, besides the ferrets & rats). she made me promise her that i'd go home & have some water & some food. i haven't done so well on that. it's almost 1pm & i still haven't eaten anything. i've had coffee, but not really much water. which i really need. i know i'm dehydrated from crying for several hours straight.

today on my way home from work my good friend dev called me from cali. i'd sent him a text message saying simply "he broke my heart." & dev is an awesome person. he gave me a lot of good advice & put a lot of things in perspective for me. i'm still hurting, really badly. & i may or may not go into work tomorrow. i haven't decided that yet. but one thing dev pointed out is better E say he need some time to figure things out now than 5 years in the future when there are kids involved (yes, there are E & my ferrets involved, & they will be upset about not seeing each other/see each other as often.... but they'll have to buck up & grow up). but it could be worse. he & i could have had kids to deal with, a mortgage, breaking up a household or a myriad of other things that could have made things that much worse. i simply love dev, he never pulls any punches & never sugar coats a single fucking thing. sometimes what he says hurts, but it's always right.

i'm still upset, pretty upset & i'll need more time to process in order to become more okay with all of this. but the biggest thing for me is i'm going to miss E so fucking bad. he's become my best friend, my closest confident, & a really good companion over the course of our relationship & i hate to lose all that. maybe the friendship can be salvaged. i have been able to remain friends with other people i've been involved with, some of them becoming really good friends of mine. maybe this is only a small bump in our relationship. i don't have a crystal ball & i can't predict the future. i know what my preferred outcome is, if i can have my way. but ultimately i want happiness for both E & i.

so happy fucking re-birthday to me.

one thing i know is my sister is right. for some people allowing depression to settle in & cause meal skipping is a temporary thing & nothing too worrisome. but for me i need to be extra vigilant to not let that happen because for me to do that is really dangerous, possibly life threatening. & like E said, i've got my ferrets & rats that depend on me 100%. & if i get sick they won't have anyone. so i'll post this blog. drink some water. nibble a little something. & go nap.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

tales from cubeville

yesterday i got a shock during my 1:1 with my supervisor. periodically my sup meets with all of us to see how things are going, do we have any concerns, etc. so i told her things are just ab-fab & i'm happy with the new hard drive IT dug up for me & it's sweet to be able to do my job on a working computer. so at the end of all this fuzzy feel good-ness she tells me that she has something to talk to me about. yeah. that is NEVER good. so she tells me that someone went to her supervisor & said something about my eating disorder.

um. say what? can you repeat that please?

i stayed calm. i was fairly upset. not because people were talking about me. i've already learned that's going to happen no matter what i say or do. not like i'm an egomaniac, but i'm the kind of person that elicits gossip about themselves. i'm not an abrasive person parse, but i don't take any bullshit off anyone, i am up front, honest, sometimes too honest. i don't believe in being fake. if i don't like you i'm polite, i'm courteous, but i'm not going to ask you to be my friend on facebook & go out for drinks while thinking to myself "sheesh, this person is a tool." un-uh, totally not my style. yes, i know, why the fuck do i work in a corporate office. um, it pays me well & gives me good health insurance, which i really need. i also mostly like my job. i used to love it, now it's just mostly (like 97%).

so i tried asking my supervisor what they'd said to my manager (my sup's sup is the manager of our department so she's my manager....yeah, you do need a flow chart, & we actually have one at work). she couldn't tell me the context. i wanted to know exactly what was said, why it was said, & who said it. i have a meeting with my manager next week (interestingly enough on wednesday which is the year anniversary of my surgery). i know she won't tell me who went to her. & i can understand her not breaking that confidence. but i do want to find out what was said to her, why it was said, & the way it was said.

if someone is concerned about me they should come to my cube & see me. if they are saying i can't do my job because of my eating disorder then i need to get hr involved because it's discrimination. if someone is pissed off that i'm not ashamed of my eating disorder & hiding it then they can just piss off. if i had broken my leg, been in a car accident, had cancer, or just about anything else people would be sympathetic & not judgemental. it's not like i sign every email "thanks, beckah ps: do you know i have an eating disorder?" i don't wear a sign at work, it's not like i introduce myself at meetings by saying "hi, my name is beckah & i have an eating disorder." some people know because i've told them. my sister, jenn, steph, yadi, & crystal are the main people that i talk with about my eating disorder. but quite a few people do know. my goal is to change the world. change the way the world interacts with & treats people with eating disorders. & i can't very well do that by hiding in a corner too scared & ashamed to open my mouth.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

one year later

what a difference 366 little days can make! yes, i know there are 365 days in a year, but 2008 was a leap year, & since the extra day we get every four years is february 29th, one year ago today was 366 days ago. last year on february 1st i officially moved all of my stuff into my new place in plymouth. it was the first time since moving to minnesota on my 3rd birthday that i had lived anywhere other than in the city of st. paul. i had lived in different places, but all still within the legal boundaries of st. paul. i wasn't sure how i would like living in the suburbs since i was pretty much a die hard city girl. but i've adjusted & i actually like it most times. i think the thing i like most is my commute. it's super short. of course, when i have to go to the group home that's a different story, but i only work there every other weekend. so my main commute is less than 4 miles one way. i also really like the family that i rent from. they're awesome people & have really made me feel welcome. i have my own space, but they also invite me to all of their parties (ie new years, superbowl, or hey-it's wednesday night, let's party).

a year ago i was kinda seeing two different guys, neither of whom was very good for me at all. but then on may 1st i had my first date with E & we've been pretty much inseparable ever since (even when we can't physically be together because of work or whatever we're still inseparable, if that makes any sense). right now i'm kind of feeling like i've found my lobster. that still waits to be seen, of course, but i'm very content with my love life. i am so in love with him & feel so at peace in our relationship. not to say we haven't had our tough moments in the past nine months, because we have had some of those. but we actually talk, listen to each other, & figure it out together.

at this moment 366 days ago i was about a week & a half away from my gastric bypass surgery, i was also about to embark upon my liquid diet to prepare me for surgery, & i had no clue what was ahead of me. i weighed almost exactly 100 lbs more than i do right now. most of my belongings were still in boxes & i was trying to figure out how to get unpacked & settled in my apartment before i left for a week to stay at my parents' post surgery. i was also foolishly under the delusion that i'd only be off of work for 2 weeks & that my recovery would be smooth as silk on glass.

my only pets were my cats & dog at my parents' house. now i've got just a dog over at mom & dad's place, but my little apartment is a mini zoo with my two rats, my five ferrets, & occasionally (like this moment) E's four fuzzbutts. i wouldn't've been ready for pets right after moving in here, especially because i spent quite a bit of february & march laying on my couch moaning & hoping for an end to my nausea. but once i started feeling better my place felt lonely without a critter living here & sharing my space. & now, it's just right, very homey & full of love with the seven (sometimes eleven) other souls that share my humble abode.

i was also blissfully unaware of my eating disorder on 2-1-08. i say blissfully, however, i don't think there was much bliss in that. then again, if i had known then, & if my doctor's knew then, that i had an untreated eating disorder i never would have been approved for surgery. i would've had to go through therapy for that before HCMC would've even tried submitting to my insurance company for approval. maybe if i'd had treatment for my eating disorder i would've been able to lose the majority of my excess weight without surgery, but probably not. maybe my recovery would have been easier & i wouldn't've been so sick. then again, that's just a total guess in the dark.

in a way i'm happy things have turned out the way that they did. i do believe that major events in our lives happen the way that they do for a reason. i think that if i would not have gotten so sick after my surgery my eating disorder probably would not have come to light for a very long time. possibly years from now. like any underlying problem it would have surfaced. & maybe there would have been more damage. right now i don't really know how much damage i've done to myself. there are some issues that are concerning to me right now.

i feel like i'm still dehydrated. every day it's a struggle to drink water or crystal light & make sure that i'm getting enough hydration. each day i contemplate the fact that maybe i do need to go into a doctor's office & get an IV to get my body re-hydrated. i drink way too much caffeine, which doesn't help my cause because it dehydrates you. but it gives me energy to keep going every day. yes, it's false energy. i would be better off making sure to get enough food & water & start gradually working out to strengthen my body. drinking the vast amounts of espresso that i do is like putting band-aids on the cracks that appear in a dam. a very small very temporary fix that really, in the end, doesn't do a fucking bit of good. pretty sure i'm malnourished too. i'm making an effort to be better about taking my vitamins every day, but that's just one part of it.

all in all it's been a hell of a year. probably the most eventful of my life. i had no idea while it was all going on, but looking back on it i can see it now. i really wish i would've blogged more in the last year to keep a better track of my journey. in all of this that's my only real regret. i have my memories of the events of the past year. but memories are tricky, fickle, slippery little creatures. they are easily bent to the will of the one doing the remembering. & fact can easily turn to fiction with no malice or planning involved. but it's a very valuable lesson, & as i go forward in my recovery & work on writing a book about my experience i am doing better about living & writing in the moment so my memories are solid things based on my emotions & thoughts of that moment instead of the glossy edited version of events that tend to appear with time.


i have come to realize that recovery is going to be so much harder than i realized. not like i thought it'd be a piece of cake (fuck...another food reference!)but i guess i was under the misconception that once i reached out for help it wouldn't be so tough. in a way the deeper i get into therapy the worse i get at times. right now, at this exact moment, the past few days/weeks, it's been rough. right now i don't want to blog, i don't want to work on my book, or do anything else that involves me being too social. i want to curl up inside myself, tell the world to kiss my ass & fuck off, & surround myself with my family, E, & my close friends. i really don't want anyone else to be around me.

when talking with anne last week (anne's my therapist) she said that part of what is going on with me right now is that i'm becoming more aware. i've had 24+ years living with my eating disorder & being completely blind to it & how it impacts my life. now that i've come to grips that i really DO have an eating disorder i'm able to see how it is there all the time. & because i'm so aware of my eating disorder right now it's really easy for me to be triggered.

this whole thing is kind of like an exorcism. my eating disorder is a demon that is living in me, controlling me, changing me into someone i don't want to be, hurting me. & now that i'm trying to take control of my life again it's fighting to stay. i have this battle of wills all the time. sometimes it's a second to second struggle to do what's right for ME not what my eating disorder wants. for all those x-files fans out there it's like the black oil episodes. my eating disorder is this parasite that is swimming in my body, once in a while others could see it flash across my eyes, just for a second, gone so quick they didn't know if it was there or not, but now, it's been caught & it's just a matter of totally pulling it's nasty little self out of me & locking it away in a glass jar.

one thing that i've really noticed is how much the rest of the world is really obsessed with food. it's not just me, it's not just obese people, it's not just people with eating disorders, it's the whole god-damn-fucking world! every single day at work my coworkers (the ones in the cubes right next to mine) make it tough for me to sit at my desk & work. they talk about being bad if they go to chipotle, but good if they go to jimmy john's. they're bad if they don't work out twice a day, but good if they do. it's ok to maybe have a piece of chocolate because of the extra 20 minutes on the treadmill they'll do that night. when i was in the store at work on friday afternoon this random woman started talking to me & saying she was trying to decide if she was going to be bad & have some chocolate or good & have some popcorn. & then she went off & i could hear her muttering about calories.

& then there's tv. unless i watch nothing but dvds i am literally bombarded with images of food & exercise programs & gym memberships & judgment regarding weight & food & how all of that reflects on individual character. & it's so easy to believe all of it. i think that every person (at least, every girl) who grows up fat somehow thinks that all of their problems are based on their weight. it's what the doctors tell us, it's what the movies tell us, tv, & sometimes even what the people around us tell us. right now my weight is at like 160-something. it was 162.2 this morning when i weighed in at home to be exact. i'm still overweight according to the bmi charts, but "normal" or "too thin" if you ask some of my family & friends. & i look at my flabby tummy, arms, thighs & then i see a commercial for the total gym, or nutrisystem, or jenny craig, or weight watchers, or anything like that & then the regular programming comes back on & everyone is thin & they seem so happy.

my eating disorder soaks up all of this & uses it as ammunition to whisper in my ear that i'm a bad person because i had some m&ms. but, it's also my eating disorder that nudges me to go graze & nibble when i'm stressed out. it's my eating disorder that says "it's a bad day at work, shit is rolling down hill with your name on it, let's go get some m&m's. let's see who has some candy at their desk." & sometimes i win the battle, but not all the time. it's pretty even steven right now.

my eating disorder is also the part of me that makes me nauseous when i try to eat at times. like this past wednesday morning. i was driving to work & felt really sad about cleo & i started feeling guilty that maybe i hadn't done everything that i could for her & that i hadn't spent enough time with her & i was a bad person because she was so sick & i didn't notice it. & then amongst the tears my eating disorder started picking at my brain telling me to skip breakfast. i'd feel better if i didn't eat anything. yes, i do realize this is counter-intuitive & that usually people feel like shit when they don't eat.

before my surgery i'd starve myself as punishment. when someone hurt me really bad it was easiest to starve myself & focus on the physical pain of hunger than to allow myself to feel the emotional pain. now starving myself doesn't give me the same satisfaction that it used to. i still don't feel hunger. it's fairly common after gastric bypass to have to "eat by the clock" for a while & not really feel hunger. a couple of times i thought i've felt hunger, but i haven't really. & that makes me happy. one of my biggest fears right now is feeling hungry. i feel like i've written this before in here. but, if i start to feel hunger again then it'll be harder to skip meals. i know that is totally my eating disorder talking. & it's hard to admit this, but i can't lie to myself any longer about anything.

in my journal i've started writing down some of the things that i'm not yet ready to admit on here. "what, beckah, has secrets? & is unwilling to air something? pish-posh that cannot be true." yes it is true. i still feel at times that opening myself up while i'm in therapy is a dangerous game. there's a part of me (is this my eating disorder or not?) that is afraid people are going to judge me. think that i'm weak. & then there's the fear that somehow this may prevent me from getting promoted at work. or that somehow someone at work will use this against me. i know that legally they can't because i'm protected against discrimination because of medical/mental health conditions (& this one straddles both arenas); but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared anyone. especially since i'm pretty much all about the self promotion. i pimp my blog to almost anyone that will stop & listen. & i'm even contemplating getting business cards with my name, my blog addy, & my gmail for my blog as self promotion.

& finally, a picture of me blogging (yes, i bite my fingers when i think. i don't chew my nails/bite my nails off, but i pull at my lips & bite my fingers. eating disorder related? maybe. maybe not. we'll see).