Sunday, February 15, 2009

father knows best....well....sometimes...

i do love my dad, don't get me wrong. but sometimes i just wonder if he's ever met a girl in his life. i showed up all broken hearted & wounded friday night at my parents' house with ferrets & footie jammies in tow. & we're watching a movie & i'm trying to choke down a bit of pizza & he looks at me & says "men are like buses. if you miss one another one will come by."

really? that's what you're going to tell me when i don't know what's happening with the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life. damn.

so then today we're watching the history of gangs on the history channel. it was a two hour show that went all the way back to the start of america as a country & then talked about gangs all the way up to today. at one point there was a clip of "west side story" on the show & my parents started talking about what a good movie it was. i admitted that i hadn't seen it so my dad says "hey, it's on demand, let's watch it."

are you fucking kidding me? this time i looked at him & said "really. you are seriously suggesting that right now i watch a love story about a white guy & a puerto rican girl? are you kidding me?!" for anyone who doesn't know, E is from puerto rico. yeah. my dad. mr sensitive he's not.

but, his faux pas in the arena of love aside, my dad has a good heart & tries really hard. he also does the best he can by me & my siblings. & sometimes he does have some good advice. yesterday we were together most of the afternoon at the emergency vet because walker (my parents' dog) was super sick. while we were stuck in the uncomfortable chairs at the emergency vet with nothing to do but stare at the walls or talk to each other my dad & i actually talked to each other.

he's still not very comfortable talking about my eating disorder. he just doesn't get it. he thinks that all i need to do is just put my meals in this little pink bowl he gave me, each everything in that bowl three times a day & i'll be fine. on the one hand my dad is right. if i could just three times a day portion out a balance of protein, veggies/fruit, & carbs & then actually eat that, just that, no snacking, i'd be ok. the cynic in me says this sounds so similar to the way to "fix" a fat person. "just eat less and exercise more & you'll drop that weight in no time!" it's so easy in theory, from the outside the answer is simple & obvious. but when you're in that body, in that life, it's not so easy all the time to do what you should.

on the upside, getting to spend some time alone with my dad we got to talk & neither of us could run or avoid any issues. on friday i went to my doctor to talk about the issues i've been having with pain & all of that. my doctor ran a bunch of lab tests & then asked me a bunch of questions: are you throwing up, are you exercising, how often are you exercising, are you depressed, why aren't you eating, how often are you eating, & etc. she also had the lab do an ekg to see how my heart is holding up (it turned out normal) in addition to all the blood tests. i'll find out about the blood tests next week. she then looks at me & tells me that she thinks that i'm depressed & that i really should go on an antidepressant.

my therapist wants me to see one of their psychiatrists at the emily program & go on antidepressants. that was the one thing that i said up front i did not want at all: no pills. i was on paxil in the past & i couldn't feel anything. sure, i didn't feel sad anymore, but i didn't feel happy, angry, or anything at all. so i took myself off of that. then later i was on wellbutrin which was ok, except i would be fine & then all of a sudden i would be the most angry person on planet earth. there wouldn't be any reason for it at all, just suddenly i'd be filled with rage. once again, i took myself off that medication. now i know that those aren't the only two meds in the world that are meant to help with depression, but so far i've had bad experiences with two antidepressants.

when i told my dad both my doctor & my therapist think i need to be on antidepressants he got pretty upset on my behalf. & for once (unlike the bus reference or west side story incident) he had some good advice for me. my dad thinks, & i agree & this is what i think too, that there has to be SOMETHING else that i can try before i bend to the pressure & go on pills. my dad suggested i try this liquid vitamin that he takes called vibe. & then he suggested that i start exercising, even if it's just five minutes a day. he thinks between those two things that maybe it'll help my moods enough, & also my eating disorder, so that i don't have to go on meds.

& i agree with him. because i really don't want to go on meds. if i have to i will. & i guess maybe it'll make an interesting chapter in my book, but that's also why i don't want to go on meds. the two times that i've been on meds in the past they've seriously fucked with my head to the point of interfering with my ability to write. & i don't want to take that chance. it's just too high a price to pay. if i go on meds & they "fix" me enough to get my eating disorder under control, but then i'm not able to write, what good is it being "fixed" because the part of me that i value the most, that is really the essence of who i am, would be missing. seems a little like a catch 22. i don't know 100% for sure that the meds will fuck with my ability to write. but seriously, anything that chemically changes your brain cannot be great for you. & i don't know that i want to take a chance.

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