Wednesday, February 18, 2009

finally: the charts from hcmc in december

my desk is being moved at work today. or rather, i'm being moved, the desk is staying where it is. so i was cleaning my cube & packing stuff up & i found my chart from my december appointment at hcmc. so i figured i'd put it up here. as of december my bmi was 27 (still over weight) & i'm still 26 lbs from hcmc's goal weight for me.

i still don't know how i feel about that. i don't even remember weighing the amount i do right now. yesterday morning i was in a meeting at work & i think i may have been the smallest girl in the meeting. that blew my mind & i was unable to concentrate for the rest of the meeting because i was trying to guess if i did weigh the least. & then at the same time i was thinking about my body & how i looked & just so dissatisfied that i weigh as much as i do. or, that i'm as big as i am. & i do realize that is a really fucked up thing to say because i see how thin, too thin parts of my body are. but then, but, i'll look at my clothes & think that they are huge & i'll touch my arms or legs or tummy & just get so upset that they aren't smaller.

& no, i'm not oblivious to how messed up this all is. evidently it's darkest before the dawn. i kind of hate that phrase. actually, i really hate that phrase. i hate any cliches that are meant to make you feel better, they literally make me sick. i don't like being sick & weak. i hate the fact that everyday is a struggle to get myself out of bed, dressed, & go into work to face another day. everyday i come home so exhausted & wrung out. & i let out my ferrets & i don't even really have the energy to actively play with them. on the one hand i'm lucky i have five because they have each other to play with. but i know they miss me. they'll come up to be & want to play, or give me kisses. & they give me this look. they are SO sad. & that just breaks my heart.

*sighs* i don't want to, i really don't want to, but i think that today i will ask ann for the referral to see a psychiatrist & get on a med temporarily. i feel defeated saying that. & i'm so damn scared that i won't be able to write any more. & i'm confused. & i am having trouble concentrating. it's 7:33am. time to head to work.

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