Sunday, February 01, 2009

one year later

what a difference 366 little days can make! yes, i know there are 365 days in a year, but 2008 was a leap year, & since the extra day we get every four years is february 29th, one year ago today was 366 days ago. last year on february 1st i officially moved all of my stuff into my new place in plymouth. it was the first time since moving to minnesota on my 3rd birthday that i had lived anywhere other than in the city of st. paul. i had lived in different places, but all still within the legal boundaries of st. paul. i wasn't sure how i would like living in the suburbs since i was pretty much a die hard city girl. but i've adjusted & i actually like it most times. i think the thing i like most is my commute. it's super short. of course, when i have to go to the group home that's a different story, but i only work there every other weekend. so my main commute is less than 4 miles one way. i also really like the family that i rent from. they're awesome people & have really made me feel welcome. i have my own space, but they also invite me to all of their parties (ie new years, superbowl, or hey-it's wednesday night, let's party).

a year ago i was kinda seeing two different guys, neither of whom was very good for me at all. but then on may 1st i had my first date with E & we've been pretty much inseparable ever since (even when we can't physically be together because of work or whatever we're still inseparable, if that makes any sense). right now i'm kind of feeling like i've found my lobster. that still waits to be seen, of course, but i'm very content with my love life. i am so in love with him & feel so at peace in our relationship. not to say we haven't had our tough moments in the past nine months, because we have had some of those. but we actually talk, listen to each other, & figure it out together.

at this moment 366 days ago i was about a week & a half away from my gastric bypass surgery, i was also about to embark upon my liquid diet to prepare me for surgery, & i had no clue what was ahead of me. i weighed almost exactly 100 lbs more than i do right now. most of my belongings were still in boxes & i was trying to figure out how to get unpacked & settled in my apartment before i left for a week to stay at my parents' post surgery. i was also foolishly under the delusion that i'd only be off of work for 2 weeks & that my recovery would be smooth as silk on glass.

my only pets were my cats & dog at my parents' house. now i've got just a dog over at mom & dad's place, but my little apartment is a mini zoo with my two rats, my five ferrets, & occasionally (like this moment) E's four fuzzbutts. i wouldn't've been ready for pets right after moving in here, especially because i spent quite a bit of february & march laying on my couch moaning & hoping for an end to my nausea. but once i started feeling better my place felt lonely without a critter living here & sharing my space. & now, it's just right, very homey & full of love with the seven (sometimes eleven) other souls that share my humble abode.

i was also blissfully unaware of my eating disorder on 2-1-08. i say blissfully, however, i don't think there was much bliss in that. then again, if i had known then, & if my doctor's knew then, that i had an untreated eating disorder i never would have been approved for surgery. i would've had to go through therapy for that before HCMC would've even tried submitting to my insurance company for approval. maybe if i'd had treatment for my eating disorder i would've been able to lose the majority of my excess weight without surgery, but probably not. maybe my recovery would have been easier & i wouldn't've been so sick. then again, that's just a total guess in the dark.

in a way i'm happy things have turned out the way that they did. i do believe that major events in our lives happen the way that they do for a reason. i think that if i would not have gotten so sick after my surgery my eating disorder probably would not have come to light for a very long time. possibly years from now. like any underlying problem it would have surfaced. & maybe there would have been more damage. right now i don't really know how much damage i've done to myself. there are some issues that are concerning to me right now.

i feel like i'm still dehydrated. every day it's a struggle to drink water or crystal light & make sure that i'm getting enough hydration. each day i contemplate the fact that maybe i do need to go into a doctor's office & get an IV to get my body re-hydrated. i drink way too much caffeine, which doesn't help my cause because it dehydrates you. but it gives me energy to keep going every day. yes, it's false energy. i would be better off making sure to get enough food & water & start gradually working out to strengthen my body. drinking the vast amounts of espresso that i do is like putting band-aids on the cracks that appear in a dam. a very small very temporary fix that really, in the end, doesn't do a fucking bit of good. pretty sure i'm malnourished too. i'm making an effort to be better about taking my vitamins every day, but that's just one part of it.

all in all it's been a hell of a year. probably the most eventful of my life. i had no idea while it was all going on, but looking back on it i can see it now. i really wish i would've blogged more in the last year to keep a better track of my journey. in all of this that's my only real regret. i have my memories of the events of the past year. but memories are tricky, fickle, slippery little creatures. they are easily bent to the will of the one doing the remembering. & fact can easily turn to fiction with no malice or planning involved. but it's a very valuable lesson, & as i go forward in my recovery & work on writing a book about my experience i am doing better about living & writing in the moment so my memories are solid things based on my emotions & thoughts of that moment instead of the glossy edited version of events that tend to appear with time.

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