Friday, February 27, 2009

so what now?

good question. damn good question. wish that i had the answer to that. here's what i do know:
~march 10th i have my year surgery follow up at hcmc
~march 12th i'm headed to cali
~march 17th i'm back from cali
~march 20th i have my psych eval for possible medication script
~march 21st & beyond: not a single clue

one thing i know is that while i should be very content & happy with my job(s) i'm not. i want more out of my life. i want more than just the status quo. i deserve more than the status quo. i deserve spectacular. i do know that i can't get that just sitting around biding my time & waiting. waiting for what i don't know. it wasn't until just recently, like oh, the last 24 hours that i realized i have been waiting. waiting. watching. wondering. wasting. definitely wasting my time. & that's the most previous commodity that any of us has is our time. & i'm done wasting mine.

it goes against the grain of my personality. i tend to be a very giving person. a very loving person. a very accommodating person. but i need to be more selfish in order to protect my most import asset: myself. it's one thing if i get back as much from the person as i give, but i've come to realize that doesn't happen all the time. for instance, with E. it's been just like 2 1/2 weeks since the break up (& yeah, it still hurts at times) but trying to step back & take a look at what was really going on, he wasn't giving me as much as i needed. as much as i wanted. as much as i deserved. he expected me to respect what a precious commodity HIS time was, but he didn't give that same consideration to me often.

& he also didn't pay attention to me in the way i need when it comes to my writing. at times i felt like he didn't think writing was as important as the painting/illustrating that he did. which is complete & total bullshit. in a visual world how fucking hard is it to be a writer? the answer is: DAMN HARD! & while i kept up on his deviant art site & kept up on his projects i would often have to tell him over & over & over & OVER again what i was working on. which, let's face it gang, isn't that tough. i'm working on a novel, some poetry, & then a memoir about my eating disorder. that's basically 3 things i was asking him to keep track of. ok, yeah, a little hurt over that whole thing.

i deserve to have someone in my life that remembers those little things that i'm doing & makes it a priority to remember. i know some people have bad memories, but even if you have a really bad memory you should be able to keep a couple things straight/in your mind about the person you love/are in a relationship with. not like i'm saying E is a bad person or anything, because i'm not. but that is one of the things that bothered me is that i often felt like i was not as big a priority in his life as he was in mine. & that is a really bad feeling.

i really don't know what my plans are, honestly. right now i'm just trying to get through each day as best that i can. some days are harder than others. i miss E a lot, i miss our relationship, i miss the promise of all of that....but i know that i can't live in the past or in the promises of what once was. all i can really do is take what i have & deal with that.

No comments: