the signature quoin: beckah's blog

the whole truth

2011-03-27T19:54:00.007-05:00

i'm ready to be honest with myself, my blog readers, & the whole world wide web (aka universe). so today, on the life of my ferrets, i swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. so help me god(s). amen.

i've let a lot of stuff slide as of late, one of the main ones has been my blog. not that i don't love my writing, my blog, or my readers (if any are still left as of this date). i've been absent because i've been healing. i'm finally at a good place, a great place, a place of peace. some place that intellectually i knew existed, but some place that i was never quite sure i would see in this life time.

today i find myself firmly in recovery. & yet, i'm not quite sure yet if recovery is a forever road, or if i will one day find myself totally recovered from the evil demon that is my eating disorder. i eat now. i get my three meals & my three snacks. it's not what the peeps at HCMC would prefer since i'm a post gastric bypass patient, they'd prefer the three meals, but my body just doesn't work that way. & for my physical, mental, & emotional health i need to make sure i'm eating every couple of hours.

for the most part i'm not restricting (starving myself) & for the most part i'm not binging. once in a while i will have a day where for whatever reason i think it's a good idea to push my body & i wait much too late to have breakfast. or i'll skip lunch or under eat at dinner. on the flip side of that coin when i'm stressed i some times find myself reaching to munch on something. the old habit of using food as an emotional band-aid. the difference now is that i recognize myself doing these things & i stop myself. i stop myself because i know that i'm worth fighting for. that it's just food. it's fuel. & if i want to accomplish all the AMAZING things i have planned for myself i need to treat my body as a machine. ya know, rotate the tires, get the oil changed, fill the gas tank, get the engine detailed....oh wait, that's the list of maintenance for my saturn.

what has happened thus far in 2011? so many things! the year is almost 25% done and already i'm on cloud nineteen (yes, i'm still a drama queen with a flair for melodrama after all this time). just on friday i had my defense for my MFA thesis. &{drum roll please}: i passed with no revisions required! which means i need to just get the final copies of my thesis to the office and then i graduate. it's been 9 years that i've been in the MFA program & i'm finally graduating. when i think on it i'm so happy that i literally want to cry.

cry? why for you ask. thanks for asking. {hint: here's where the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth part comes in} i cry because i realize how terribly close i came to not making it to this day. back in 2009 when my uncle joe died i missed his funeral because of how sick i was with my eating disorder. & while i was honest about this on my blog i wasn't brutally honest. the brutal honesty is something that i've come face to face with in the past month as i finished my thesis & really done some hard core introspection on my time in the MFA program. there was something about facing the end of the student era of my life & preparing to move onto the next, as of yet unnamed, phase that has made me rewind time and re-watch my life.

my plan is to use my poetry to change the world. i want to take my message about living with & recovering from an eating disorder to help keep other girls from going through the same hell. & as i prepare to do that i've realized that even though i'm in recovery i have not been completely honest with the people i care most about. my eating disorder nearly killed me. i'm not being melodramatic. i'm not asking for sympathy, for pity, or for tears. i just need to be transparent about what really happened.

2009 was a total craptastic year in so very many ways. but it was a year that i needed. that year tested me. when i was at the sickest & allowing my eating disorder demon to control me i was so weak that each day i was in pain. this is not a metaphor. yes i was in emotional & mental pain. but i was in physical pain. my back hurt, my tail bone hurt, my chest hurt. every day it hurt to breathe. i'm not even talking deep breaths, i'm talking regular breathing made my chest hurt. but i was scared to say anything because i did not want to be hospitalized.

when my therapist told me that she thought i needed to be hospitalized i balked. i know if i would have told her about the chest pains i probably would have been committed against my will {which was the only way, i told her, i would be hospitalized} at one point she said that i was so malnourished & dehydrated that if i did not start eating i would probably be placed on a feeding tube. i was in such a dark place that secretly i wanted that to happen. because if i had a feeding tube then i wouldn't have to deal with food. as i type this & remember sitting in her office with that reality it does make me sad. she was trying to use it as a threat & the me at that time saw it as a golden ticket.

the thing that i have not confessed to anyone until recently is how close i really came to death. i'm convinced now as i look back at that time that i was much closer to dying than i realized. every week i thought about dying at least three or four times. sometimes it was multiple times a day. it was not that i wanted to kill myself. to me that was selfish to slice my wrists open or over dose on pills. but i was slowly killing myself. every day it hurt to open my eyes, i drank a gallon of coffee a day just to get myself enough energy to drive the 3.3 miles to work & hunch over my desk. i put a smile on my face when people were looking, a grimace when no one was looking.

at least twice a week i would tally the people in my life. my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my grandma, each of my friends. & as i thought of each one i would tell myself they would be okay if i didn't wake up the next day. if my heart just stopped beating from the strain, the stress, not enough food, not enough water. & as i thought of each of them i did feel a bit of guilt, what would happen if i did die. but i also told myself they would be okay. i told myself that then my parents wouldn't need to worry anymore. that my dad wouldn't tell my sister that because we work at the same place it's her responsibility to go to my desk each day & make sure i'm eating.

even my ferrets. i thought of them & what would happen to them. i knew my family would make sure they were taken care of until they crossed the rainbow bridge. cassie & sunny d, my first two boys. they'd be sad, but they would get over it. podo & doodle are strong & would carry on. marley, linus & lucy were young & resilient. they'd all be okay. except for my nyddah. my little rescue from the humane society. i knew that if i died nyddah would not be okay. she would not be okay just living with my parents.

she crawled into a deep crevice in my heart when she reached up & licked my chin at the shelter on august 16, 2008. i've heard people say soul mates are not always human. in a way i feel nyddah is my soul mate. i love that little furkid more than i ever thought i could love another soul. just as she crawled into my heart i know i crawled into hers. it was miss nyddah & the thought that my death would kill her that kept me getting up day after day. it kept me fighting. i know that it will probably hurt those that i love when they realize that what kept me going was nyddah instead of one of the humans in my life.

but as i type this i don't hang my head in shame. {statistics are slippery things & i try not to use them, especially in my blog, however....} about 20% of people with eating disorders will die without treatment. even receiving treatment 2-3% of people with an eating disorder will die as a result of their disease. sure, that's a low statistic. however. i tend to defy the odds. there was a minuscule chance, less than 1%, of the type of complications i had post gastric bypass, & yet i had surgery again four months & three days after my bypass because of complications. my tonsils were removed twice because they grew back. i was born with only three wisdom teeth. i tend to be an odd conglomeration of weird medical issues.

& the point of all of this? honesty. i want to change the world with my poetry. i want to stand in front of millions of people & read my poems & change their lives. i will open people's hearts & minds & change the way people with eating disorders are viewed. i will open the dialogue so that there is no more shame. it's a disease just like breast cancer or seizure disorders or alzheimers. no one blames someone for getting cancer or having seizures or alzheimers, why attach shame to an eating disorder. & to be the role model i know i can be, to revolutionize the way people see this disease, i need to make sure i'm honest with myself, with those around me.

to thank nyddah for saving my life i've dedicated my poetry book to her. i realize she's a ferret and {probably} can't read. but, for me, i needed to acknowledge how close i came to dying & who saved my life. so, miss nyddah: i love you, always. thank you for saving me.

holy long absence, batman!

2010-10-23T19:50:00.006-05:00

so after poking a facebook friend to read my blog and then i'll read hers i decided to see how long it's been since i blogged and was gobsmacked to find out it's been two plus months! then again, the past two months have been very full. just two days after my last blog, on august 8th, my sweetheart fry was in a very bad car accident and nearly killed. thank the gods he was able to walk away. here's what happened:

he was headed north on round lake boulevard in anoka. it's a two lane highway, the speed limit is 55 mph. a car was stopped to make a left. so the car in front of fry stopped. and fry stopped. and there's where it got ugly. the 20-something girl behind him "looked down for a second" when she looked up everyone was stopped. she jerked the wheel to the right and slammed on her brakes but hit the back right of fry's yaris hard enough to bend the axle and plow his car into the car in front of him and into oncoming traffic where his car was then hit again by a full size dodge ram pickup. his car was completely totaled out. and everyone who talked to us in the weeks after said usually the driver doesn't live in accidents like this:

even now with him sitting next to me eating bbq pringles and watching a very bad "meteor destroys earth movie" knowing he's safe. knowing he's ok. i get panicky and tears threaten to run because i came so very close to losing him. my heart races and my throat closes and i want to drop to my knees and thank the gods for sparing him.

he did actually WALK away from this accident. he got himself out of the car. called me when i was on my way to my part time job and said "i was just rear ended, do you think you can give me a ride?" i asked if he was ok and he said yeah, fine, he just needed a ride. thankfully i didn't see the car until the next day when i went to empty it for him. he didn't even want to go to the hospital, i made him because he had the seat belt mark embedded in his chest and kept saying he wanted to sleep and i was worried about a head injury. thankfully the full extent of his injuries were deep bruises, some slight ligament tears, and partially detached muscle. minuscule in relation to what could have been.

august was filled with helping fry recover. find a new car. both of us learn to be ok riding in cars without fearing the person behind us was out to kill us. i still sometimes feel anxiety when driving. and even more so when i'm passenger. his sister came up to visit from hawaii. we saw weird al at the state fair. life was getting back to normal.

and then bad news from the west. my uncle john, my uncle joe's younger brother, was getting weaker. my aunt sharon emailed us asking for prayers. not prayers for a cure or a miracle. but prayers for comfort and peace and no pain. then in the evening on wednesday september 8th, a month to the day after fry's accident, my cousin rico called to tell us the doctors said my uncle would be lucky to make it 24 hours and they would be simply shocked if he made it through the weekend. my dad packed a bag. tossed and turned all night. and headed west early on the 9th. he made it to the hospital in north dakota just before 2pm on the 9th. he spent a few final hours with his best friend/brother before my uncle john died on september 10th just before 5am.

so with a lot of fear of driving, cars, and dying behind the wheel: i got in my saturn and drove west to say good bye. i returned to the town i was born in. a town i hadn't seen in 30 years and 2 months and 29days. all in all i spent less than 24 hours in that north dakota town before returning east again. to home.

now, not like any of this is ALL about me, but i had just started to gain my balance again and completely had the pins knocked out from under me. my uncle john was my godfather. one of the steadies in my life. i still have both my parents, but i always thought that when the time came that i lost one of them my uncle john would be the one to hold me up and give me strength and he would still be there to take care of me. i wanted to see his face when i received my mfa from hamline. i thought he'd dance with me at my wedding. that he'd hold my babies and they'd call him grandpa john. i've had to learn to live again in a world without him. and, honestly, i hate that. but i'm trying not to resent it too much. trying not to have too much animosity towards the heavens for taking him.

it's exhausting to be thanking the gods for sparing fry while at the same time cursing them for taking my uncle john. oh, and then, the day my uncle died it was announced that i got a promotion at work. seriously. talk about an emotional mixed bag. but. blessing too? because i needed something new at work. a new challenge to better use my talents and skills. i'd been in my previous position for nearly 3 years and it was time for a change.

sum up? so, the past 2 1/2 months = nearly losing my lover, my uncle dying, and a promotion.

did i mention that i also have stopped seeing my therapist & nutritionist and decided i'm well enough to tackle this whole eating disorder thing on my own? but, you know what? maybe i am. because all of this could have sent me into a serious spiral and caused me to starve myself again. and it hasn't. i have my moments of poor choices, but everyone does. it's called being human.

ferret naptime

2010-08-06T16:24:00.003-05:00

and here is my little boy, sundance (aka sunny d) napping. oy. now THAT is what i'd love to do right now. maybe i can grab a nap tonight before fry and i have a fire? ah, i love our summer evening bonfires in the backyard.

finally: an explaination on the weight loss ticky-ticker

2010-08-06T15:41:00.001-05:00

granted, yes, for some people with an eating disorder they need to stay far far away from scales because it's detrimental to them. for me my problems with eating are more closely tied to my emotions rather than a number on the scale. although a number on the scale can upset me, as it can to many people, it's not enough to send me running for the kitchen in search of something to gnaw on.

i know it can seem somewhat contradictory. but i need to be able to keep track of my weight and i do want to keep losing weight. for me i want to get to a healthy weight. right now i'm still technically "obese" according to the medical charts. my first goal is to become overweight. yes. my goal is to become overweight. but when you're starting at obese it's a goal that makes sense. once i get to 174 pounds then i'll merely be overweight. yippee! my last weigh in and i was just shy of that goal. i know, weight loss is a slippery little bugger. and especially for women things can sway dramatically based on water retention and the like. but i'm keeping tabs on what i'm doing.

at work i have started taking the stairs. up to the fifth floor each day. and when i have to go to the bathroom i walk down to the first floor, use the bathroom there, and then back up again. yeah, it's a little thing, but i feel like the more little things i do the more they will add up for me. i really want to get in the routine of getting 10,000 steps a day. some days are better than others. i think the last time i got to that many steps was a few days ago. right now i'm at 4,357. getting the steps in during a normal work day can be a challenge to say the least. but i'm happy with the challenges i'm facing lately. and i feel as though i'm meeting them with dignity and grace.

insomnia: again? really?!

2010-07-28T22:33:00.008-05:00

so. sitting on the couch in the living room. eleven ferrets wrecking havoc on the house. three in the kitchen. eight in the living room. and i can't sleep. one attacking my slipper. it's not doodle. it's cass. holy fucking hell. i know, it's obvious why i can't sleep: there's eleven ferrets tearing ass around the house making noise and trashing the place. that's not it. i'm not sure why i'm not sleepy. i thought i would be. work has been a steady pace lately. and sometimes emotionally challenging. it's tough being big brother and telling people they messed up. it's even more difficult having to tell someone that no, you won't change your mind, and try to nicely get them out of your cube so you can leave work on time.

but i'm actually very content, work life aside. fry and i have a nice home with our furkids. now and again when the temps are decent at night and the bugs're scarce we'll have a bonfire out back and make s'mores. we are very much into cuddling on the couch and watching netflix streaming through my wii. lately we've been on an xfiles kick. (i'm an xfiles junkie from way back so i like to skip around and watch my favorite episodes...currently the rain king...fry is an xfiles newbie so when we watch together we have started from the beginning).

there is a lot on my mind lately. i've finally come to terms with the fact that i very much do have trouble with collecting things. i think i've known it for a long time. and it's something that i've been working on with my therapist for the past few months. part of it is i have a very good memory. i can look at a knick knack and i remember who gave it to me and why they gave it to me. and then i feel immense guilt if i think about giving it away/throwing it away/donating it. as if that person may be hurt that i didn't hang onto whatever it was they gave me. it's not that i'm a spoiled princess and ungrateful for the thought. i very much am grateful to be the recipient of the gift. and most times i've gotten quite a bit of use out of the item it's just that it is now something that i have outgrown the use for. or else, i see something and think "well, i should get rid of X because i don't need it." but then i start thinking about how useful X item would be in Y situation. and then i keep it because otherwise if i have to buy whatever X is later down the line to do Y job then i'll be upset that i didn't keep the previous X item that i had. i grew up very very poor and so i can't stand to see something go to waste or waste my money.

in addition to having extreme issues parting with belongings i also have an extremely hard time passing up a deal. if i see something for 90% clearance at target i'll stock up, even if it's something like burnt orange pillar candles which i have no need for in the near, or even foreseeable, future. i keep a box of "gifts" in case i need to randomly give something to someone. all items that i got on massive clearance and i've stock piled. ugh. stock pile. that's a phrase that gives me the heebees, the geebees, shivers, and dry heaves all at the same time.

my dad used to get mad at my mom for "stock piling" food on the shelf we had in the basement. he'd get mad that she would squirrel away extra food. and in a way i did too. but i also remembered that day from my childhood. all the cabinets open. the fridge too. my mom crying because we had no food at all in the house and my siblings and i were hungry. something like that makes an impression on you. for me it instilled a deep fear of being hungry. or, of not having food. so when i see chef boy ardee on sale 10 for $10 i want to fill my cart with mini lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs, and beef raviolis because then maybe i'll feel safe.

when i go grocery shopping i'm so tempted to use my coupons and the sale ad to fill my cart. even though the cupboards at home are literally stuffed and nearly over flowing with food. fry tells me we have enough. that we have more than enough. that i don't need to buy so much. we're only two people. he reminds me we should work through what we have at home before we get new stuff because otherwise we will wind up throwing stuff away. i nearly threw a fit when he suggested i give some of my scooby gummies and fruit by the fruits to his friend's three year old kid (yeah, me throwing a fit over gummies is a WHOLE other issue in the realm of beckah & her dysfunctional relationship with food). in the end i did give 1/3 of my gummies away to fry's friend's kid, and another 1/3 to my friend april's little girl. but that took SO much of my will power and strength in order to do that. i know. it's ridiculous. and at the same time it filled me a bit with a sense of panic.

i decided today to sell some of my stuff on ebay. the stuff that maybe i can make a buck or two off of instead of donating. i was all set to donate it. but fry suggested we try selling it instead. some backpacks that are in excellent shape, it's just that i don't need them. seriously, how many backpacks does one adult REALLY need? in a way it was easier on me to decide to give them away than sell them. isn't that odd? and i know i have some furbies in the garage. those should sell on ebay too. maybe this will be another small forward step in recovery? cleaning and getting rid of stuff is empowering. but it's also SO scary for me. so very very scary. then again. didn't i just say i was ready for scary? that i am welcoming it with open arms and want to face the scary all on my own? well. i'm thinking maybe i shouldn't be completely on my own. maybe i do need some help. just a wee bit of emotional support from friends and family. i'm still resolved to quit therapy. or rather, bring my need for it to an end. but, that doesn't mean i can't lean a little on those who love me. showing weakness. asking for help. those are positive steps for me.

recap on my kayaking trip (july 8-11th)

2010-07-28T20:30:00.000-05:00

the trip was challenging. i am NOT in anyway an outdoor kind of girl. even though i went to burning man, and would go again, SO not an outdoorsy girl. i like my running water. i like my pillow top mattress with the feather bed on top of it. my flush toilet. my snoogle. my ferrets. all those things that create my nice cushy life.

with that being said. i did have a blast on the trip in terms of the social aspect. it was really nice being around other people who have their own challenges with food. i was tempted to say "who have an eating disorder" and erased that to then write "who struggle with an eating disorder" however i don't want anyone to see just my illness when they see me. i want them to see ME first, and then later maybe my struggles. or, preferably, how i overcome my struggles.

before the trip i was freaking out. pretty hard core freaking the EFF out on the inside, and doing a fair amount of verbal freaking out. fry and i were discussing it one night after i found out after i was accepted for the trip and he said "you can always say no, hun." and i did think about it briefly, but going on the trip was kind of a weird dream come true for me. it was free for me, i just had to bring my clothes and personal stuff, but tent, food, transportation was all covered, which is HUGE for me in these difficult economic times. but, also, ever since my BFF from childhood went kayaking with her cousin way back in the day i've been curious about it.

so i pushed aside all my fears, packed up my bags, and went on the trip. what was the biggest struggle for me? honestly, and this may sound lame: battling the urge to over pack. i've discovered recently that i am a first rate pack rat. you know that tv show on a&e called hoarders? well, let's just say that i grew up learning from the best of them (my dad and brother SO could be on that show). and in therapy i've been working on getting over my need to hoard and save stuff. so when packing for the trip i wanted to put all kinds of stuff in my bag that wasn't on the list (an extra pair of shoes, a deck of cards, an extra t-shirt, extra socks....) and all that stuff adds up and pretty soon you're showing up in california with two ginormous suitcases and another two boxes of stuff mailed. oh, wait, that was when i went to burning man! my first proud moment was realizing that i stuck exactly to the list.

now that i've been back at home for two and a half weeks it all feels kind of fuzzy. i'm so glad i went. i feel very empowered and much stronger and better able to handle life and all it's surprises. i'm also feeling like i want to be done with therapy. i'm sick of being the sick girl. i hate having to take FMLA every week to leave for my therapy appointments. i actually talked with fry about it last night and he said he will help me with the nutrition part of it. for his bachelor's degree he majored in kinesiology with a minor in biology, his emphasis was corporate fitness. so, needless to say i'm living with a man who spent four years studying to help people with health, wellness, and fitness. well, i think his exact words were "i can give you a kick in the ass if you need it." the funny part about that is he is a first class hippie and the most non violent person on earth.

plan for nutrition and food support? check. as for the therapy visits? i see my therapist tomorrow night and i'm going to talk to her. i know that for therapists it has to be tough. if they do their job right then people get better and move on. which is great for the patient, not so great for the therapist. i'm kind of guessing my therapist is going to encourage me to not stop therapy just yet.

i spent so much of my early life waiting. and being afraid. and hanging back. i could run but instead i crawled, with fear, not daring to run. and now i just want to run. i want to test out my new self and see if i can handle all the challenges and obstacles and the every day bull shit that comes with living. see if i can do it without dousing my emotions with food. or starving myself so the pain of hunger is more cutting than any emotions i may be feeling. what would life be like to actually allow myself to experience emotions? scary. very very scary. but i think i'm ready for that.

poem- dance party

2010-07-16T20:25:00.004-05:00

the following is a poem that i wrote while on my trip to the apostle islands to go kayaking on lake superior.

dance party

i wanted to pause that

moment, wrap it up tightly

for each of us to carry

back with us from our

campsite. snug it in between

our hairbrushes, sunscreen,

bug spray and water bottles.

a strong techno beat rolled

from the van’s speakers as

the twelve of us inside

bounced the vehicle moving

to the beat, energized by

struggles, victories, the water

and air and orange-pink-

red sunset. And then, as if

it had somehow been planned,

others appeared next to our

van arms in the air

feet moving bodies to the

beat. we were conscious

of energy and each other but

not self conscious of our-

selves, our bodies, our demons.

it was just a moment in the

woods of pure abandon and

joy as our group of strangers

found a common love in

the music and the feel of

our bodies moving in the night air

the last time you blogged was when?!

2010-07-16T09:14:00.002-05:00

checking my blog i feel rather chagrined and fairly ashamed of the fact that it's been nearly six months since i've blogged. that's a whole half a year. sheesh. yes, there's a whole pile of shame and guilt that goes with that. then again. i tend to have massive piles of guilt and shame associated with a lot of things in my life. so, honestly, that is nothing new.

the past six months have been filled with lots of changes for me. most notably i met a WONDERFUL man that i am totally head over heels in love with. i did make him work hard for it too. it would be an understatement to say that i kept him at arm's length. it was more like arms length plus a dozen or so feet. but he persisted, and gave me my space at the same time, and now we're happily cohabiting with our eleven ferrets.

yes, eleven ferrets. see. i had eight. he had two when he met me. then after meeting me he picked up a third one, so 8+2+1=11. eleven ferrets also equals a fair amount of insanity at our house. there's also a fair amount of poop that goes along with eleven ferrets. but also lots of love, cuddles, dooking, and joy.

so what is this young man's name? well, if you befriend me on facebook you'll know cause we're listed as "in a relationship," or if you talk to me, text me, or stalk me (yes YOU, i saw you in the bushes last night! btw, pick up your PBR cans, we don't want that shit in our yard. please & thank you). but, for now, in blog world, i'll call him fry. i do sometimes call him that in person, and he is cool with that. so we'll see.

let's see. what else. um. i'm vitamin d insufficient. go me. supposed to be at 20 or above and mine is a single digit. and that digit is NOT a 9. but working on that. working on beating my eating disorder into submission. working on staying hydrated. just got back from a weekend trip to the apostle islands with a group from the emily program (where i go for my therapy). the trip was awesome. i'll post more about that along with the poem that i wrote as a result of the trip. um, also working on thesis. working on just in general getting my shit together. so. for now. i'm back to blogging. i've missed it terribly and hope that not ALL my blog readers have forgotten me.

lots of love,
beckah

nearly two years later

2010-01-21T16:36:00.003-06:00

nearly two years after my surgery and it's time to take stock of what has happened since feburary 11th, 2008 when i went into HCMC and had gastric bypass.

on the one hand things have gone well. i've lost about 100 pounds, and pretty much kept it off. so that's a big win there. i haven't gotten pregnant, which is a big no-no in the first two years post surgery. i'm now able to eat just about anything in moderation (which is fricken AWESOME considering some people can never eat certain foods).

i'm still struggling with my eating disorder. it's pretty much put me off the map in so many ways. yeah. it sucks. and yeah. i'm dealing with it. on the upside, if there is one, of having an eating disorder, i'm on the mend. and i'm much better now than i was a year ago. i still have bad days where i binge. days where i eat little to nothing. but those are few and far in between. and i'm going forward and hoping to switch to a different type of therapy. i'm investigating EMDR. basically it's supposed to be a lot less painful than standard talk therapy.

this year i'm taking two days off work, the day of my surgery anniversary and the day after, to celebrate, reflect, and take some time for me. right now i'm not super psyched about it. i was dating someone who recently broke up with me saying "you need someone better than me. i'm not good enough for you and will never be." wtf is that supposed to mean? so i've had a bit of rage about this and i'm trying to work through it.

family and friends tell me i'll come out stronger on the other side. they tell me i'll be better in the end. that i'm always stronger. that the universe has some other plan for me. well, right now, i would like to give the universe the finger because i'm sick of it fucking with me. yup. i said it.

welcome 2010

2010-01-02T19:03:00.002-06:00

i'm refusing to do resolutions this year. i'm starting to feel it's a good way to set yourself up for failure. instead of trying to do "big ticket" goals this year i'm going to strive each day to make the most of that day. to be true to myself. to be happier and more content with who i am at each given moment. maybe those are goals, maybe not. but watching jenn drive off today made me realize how blessed i am. to have the people in my life that love me and cherish me for who i am. and i need to have faith that they see in me something that i may not always fully see myself.

today

2009-11-08T09:05:00.000-06:00

today

2009-07-23T16:49:00.002-05:00

today is one of those days. one of those days i can't get the radio loud enough. can't get my car going fast enough. one of those days i just can't stand the thought of eating anything. it's one of those days i feel everything is spinning too fast. i can't slow it down. i can't stop it. i can't control anything at all. except.

that's just it:

except food.

that's 100% in the scope of what i can control. what i do (or in the case of today) do not eat. that's something that i actually have influence over.

i'm pretending again. that i'm ok. that i am tough. but not really. i'm not that way at all.

& right now i wish i could be vulnerable & really let someone know. but i can't. so i sit.

at work.

silent tears cutting down my cheeks.

my voice on the other end of the phone not nearly as cheery as normal. but close.

no hint of the dark gray spots caused by fallen tears on my hoodie.
no hint that inside i'm shredded to bits smaller than grains of sand.
no hint at all that i'm sitting in my fish bowl of a desk starving.

chatter around me of diets & golf & weddings. evidently the crane in the pond caught a fish. & i sit, one leg tucked up under me, crying. careful. so no one will hear. no one will see.

32 years ago

2009-06-13T22:37:00.006-05:00

32 years ago at this exact moment my mom was in a hospital in the middle of nowhere north dakota waiting for the doctors to induce her so that i could make my glorious entrance into the world. unfortunately for me, there were two other babies that had the audacity to be born on june 13th 1977. so the docs pushed my mom off til the 14th. then another two babies decided they wanted to show. in the end i was finally born on june 15th. 8 days past my forecasted due date, two days later than the scheduled induced birth, & six days before my father's 29th birthday.

that's where i was/what i was doing 32 years ago. so what about for the past two months? i've been sick. i've been struggling. i've been secluding myself. work has been hell on earth. don't get me wrong, i'm happy to have a job. & i'm happy that i have a job that has SOME flexibility so that i can make it to my therapy appointments & my other appointments. for instance this past week i had a total of 6 appointments (2 acupuncture, 2 different nutritionists, a psychiatrist, & a psychologist). yup, i have a whole fucking team of people trying to keep me healthy. er. healthy enough.

my birthday is just 25 hours & some change away. well, that'll be when june 15th dawns here in minnesota. i was actually born just after 7pm, so it's nearly 44hrs until the actual time of my birth in the year the king died (yeah, an elvis reference). i want to keep secluding, but i know it serves no purpose. & i need to write in order to get better. i've been trying very hard to get better. each day i wake up telling myself today i will be in control instead of my eating disorder.

back in april i hit a new low. on the day of my uncle joe's funeral i was so sick that i was unable to attend the funeral. i was at work & getting ready to leave to go to the funeral & i was so dizzy & off balance i couldn't walk without holding onto the wall. it was like i was drunk i was so dehydrated/malnourished. jenn found me at the elevator & took me back to her cube where i called my mom & cried while trying not to draw attention to myself & told her i was too sick to drive to st. paul for the funeral. jenn & another person from work drove me & my car home. i crawled into bed so weak i couldn't even drink water without spilling on myself. & i cried. too petrified to sleep because i was very afraid that if i closed my eyes & fell asleep it would be the last time my eyes were open. in hindsight i should have called 911 & gone to the hospital. or i should have at the very least had a friend with me at my place. i should not have been alone when i was that sick. i really am hoping that is my rock bottom.

how can i not be smarter than my eating disorder? today i was at 4:30pm mass with my mom & i kept staring up at the crucifix over the alter counting the ribs on the figure of jesus on the cross. & wondering why depictions of jesus are always so thin with ribs & joints sticking out. is that the ideal? & even as i type this i'm remembering just a few hours ago when my mom was saying good bye to me & she touched my left wrist as if she was afraid she'd break bones if she applied too much pressure. when i asked her what was wrong she said my wrists are so tiny. & i know there were tears hiding in her brown eyes. tears that she let drop as i shifted from 1st to 2nd & so on as i guided my saturn west from st. paul to plymouth.

today i told my grandma i'm in therapy & dealing with an eating disorder. she hasn't seen me at my sickest so i think it's hard for her to deal with this. she asked me "which one" that i had: anorexia or bulimia (cause those are the only two eating disorders out there. . . .yeah, i'm a bit bitter about that one. not at my grandma specifically, but because that's the most common question i get asked).

i want to write more now, but i'm so tired i can barely keep my eyes open. i think i'll have to log off for now.

update on my uncle joe

2009-04-02T07:10:00.002-05:00

hey all. my uncle joe passed away sunday morning. i'll be honest, with all the other stuff going on in my life i don't know how to feel. i haven't cried at all & i don't know if i will. i was not particularly close to him. my dad was close to him & my brother knew him better than i did. however. i'm sad/upset on behalf of my dad & my uncle john. but, i'm relieved for joe. from what i read on his caring bridge site his last days were not quality days. & for someone who was a very active & vibrant person that's pretty much hell on earth. so i'm strangely happy that he is no longer suffering.

last week when i was told that things were pretty bleak & it was near the end i had briefly considered driving to st. paul & going to visit him with my dad. but then i thought about it. & the strongest memories i have of my grandpa are the ones in the last moments of his life as he lay in the hospital bed not even remembering my grandmother anymore. i'll get into it another time, but they really did have a beautiful love story & she was his whole world. & in the end he looked at her with unknowing eyes. & that memory pushes out others when i try to think of him. it takes more effort to remember him smoking his pipe & playing solitaire. or sitting in his chair watching football on thanksgiving. or all those other little things that are now fuzzy for me.

i decided that i'd keep that last good memory of my uncle joe. when we all went out for dinner this past summer out on west 7th. & my mom borrowed my pink floyd zip up hoodie because she was cold. & i sat next to my aunt sharon wishing that she & my uncle john lived closer. & watching how happy my dad was to be with his oldest friends. & seeing something in him that i rarely see, a pure joy & genuine smile in his eyes. & joe's booming laugh & handle bar mustache. & the conversation that rolled around cars & engines & so many things that didn't interest me, but i was glad to be there. THAT is my last memory of my uncle. & that is what i'll forever keep with me. my dad & his brothers. having dinner on a random summer weeknight on west 7th. old friends. old stomping grounds. & love. that's what was there.

today is the wake with the funeral tomorrow. it looks like the sun may actually appear today for the first time this week. maybe that's fitting that we see the sun today. i hope it's out tomorrow for the internment.

perspective

2009-03-25T11:49:00.005-05:00

my life, my struggles, & my issues have just been shoved into stark perspective for me today. today i got an email from my mom saying that my uncle joe is really sick, the cancer is winning, & he probably doesn't have much longer. i don't even know how to react to it, in a way i'm just kind of numb. obviously i'm sad & i've cried. i've cried today at work while thinking about it. i'm not as close to him as i'd like to be. i'm closer with my uncle john who is also my god father.

quick interjection: joe & john are not biologically related to me. their family took my father in after my grandfather died. the carusos basically raised my dad, called him one of their own, & treated him as one of their own; it was an unofficial adoption basically. i was raised with joe & john as my uncles. their parents as my grandma & grandpa caruso. & it never occurred to me that we had no blood relation, that they had just "adopted" my father & raised him from the time he was 13 & on.

even though john lives in north dakota i'm closer to him than joe. maybe because my dad is closer to john. maybe because john is my god father. maybe because somewhere in my memories i still hold onto the three years i spent in north dakota where he & sharon & jason (my cousin) were my closest family besides my parents. but while i'm closer to john, my uncle joe is someone that i really enjoy having in my life.

he's the kind of a guy that there aren't many around anymore. not saying it's good or bad, just is. he still lives over in the "old neighborhood" where they all grew up in the west 7th area of st. paul. he restores old cars & rides a motorcycle. he has a deep, gruff, gravely voice. his laugh reminds me of santa. if santa was a smoker. besides john he's my dad's oldest friend. not many people hang onto friends that long. my dad'll be 61 in june. he's known the carusos for so much of his life he probably doesn't remember a time without them. i know that i don't have any friends like that. i have some that are close, but not quite.

my uncle joe's time is being counted down now. if each life has a certain number of grains of sand his is almost empty. my dad tried calling his house earlier today & there wasn't any answer. joe may be on his way to the hospital again. my uncle john is stuck in north dakota because of the flooding & now snow that has pretty much shut the state down & isolated them. i'm stuck in limbo just waiting to hear something from someone. i really hope my dad gets to see joe one more time. i know that no one wants their last memory of someone to be when they're sick. but i also think it's important to get another chance to tell someone how much they matter in your life.

for me, one of the last times i saw joe was this past summer at a restaurant down on west 7th. i think it was this past summer. i was there with my parents, my uncle john & aunt sharon, & my brother. it was an italian restaurant & this was after my surgery so i didn't eat much, i only had a small salad. & i couldn't stay long. i don't remember now why i had to rush off. in hindsight it must not have been that important, the reason i couldn't stay. but it seemed like it at the time. but we had a good time, all of us talking & laughing. & it's always so bizarre for me to see this side of my dad, when he gets together with joe & john & they talk about the old times & the old neighborhood & all these stories bubble up about my dad, his childhood, his antics, all these things that i never even knew about. things i never even suspected.

the time i remember before that is at my grandma caruso's funeral. uncle joe was wearing a suit, which is much different than what he usually wears---jeans & a leather jacket is what i always remember. & i read a poem at the service that i wrote for my grandma caruso. & i met his daughter for the first time that i could remember. & her kids. & i had to leave the funeral early to go to a friend's wedding. & on that day i found out that my best friend tina's grandma died. may 13 2007 was one hell of a day, really.

here's some pictures of my uncle joe. i pulled them from his caring bridge website (which is linked above in the first paragraph). i'll update as i find out more. in the mean time, i'm sending lots of love & energy & healing into the universe for my uncle joe, my uncle john, & everyone that loves joe.

pscyh update?

2009-03-23T10:06:00.004-05:00

yeah yeah yeah, i've been avoiding it, but i know i need to update what's going on with the psych eval that i had friday. the dr was really nice. can't recall his name for the life of me, i think his first name was peter, so yeah, we'll go with peter. i'll be seeing him again in a few weeks. when i got there he asked me why i was there & i was point blank honest with him & said that my therapist & regular doctor think i'm depressed & should consider meds & so i made the appointment to appease them. i'm not sure if people are usually that blunt with him, but he definitely seemed taken aback by that. i mean, i guess on some level i was there because i figured it'd be best for me, but that was the main reason i was there, so why lie about it?

i've been seeing anne & amy for so long now that it was weird having to start back at square 0 & tell someone all about me & my problems. & an hour is definitely not enough. did i cry? yeah, i did. but, i had some pretty heavy BS go down the night before with my family, so it's kind of amazing that i even showed up to the appointment & then work afterwards. so he asked me some questions & i did a lot of talking. A LOT.

in the end even though i told him that no i don't feel i'm depressed he said that he thinks i meet the criteria for being clinically depressed. yeah, whatever that means. so i had four options: the first is do nothing & come back if i decide to try a medication, the second would be to try a liquid med in a pediatric dose & increase dosage gradually over several weeks, the third would be to try a half pill dose of medication & then after a week or two bump up to a full dose, & finally the fourth would be to just start out on a medication at full dose. i chose the last one. i don't want to take meds, but i'm willing to do it temporarily if i have to. & if i'm going to do it i may as well just do it & not fuck around with anything like a half dose or a liquid med. so i'm now taking prozac, the smallest dose they can give me without it being a liquid or splitting a pill.

needless to say there are lots of people not happy about this. me for one. my parents are really not happy. some of my friends are upset on my behalf too. i know, if i really don't want to take the pills it is completely within the scope of my control. i don't HAVE to take them. bit i'm going to try. i took the first one saturday morning. i take one pill, once a day, in the morning. now considering the fact that often times i have trouble taking my vitamins this may or may not go well. we will have to see on this. i am trying to be better about taking my vitamins too. i know that i'm only hurting myself by not taking them (there will be another blog about this AND my unhappiness in relation to my clinic & my unnecessary trip to urgent care last friday evening).

in 3 weeks i go back to see peter to check in on the medication thing. my main goal between now & then is to just take the prozac every day. since i'm very pill challenged lately i think that's a pretty decent goal. what i will say, & i say this LOUDLY & publicly: IF THIS FUCKS UP MY CREATIVE PROCESS & IMPEDES MY WRITING I WILL IMMEDIATELY STOP TAKING THE DAMN PILLS. i have absolutely no sense of humor on this one, no wiggle room, & no leeway. i'm meeting with deborah on wednesday & we're going to put together a schedule, a plan, for me to finish my damn mfa already so i can get on with things. try to get a teaching job, try to just move on with my life. i've been swimming in lame little circles without any forward progress & i need to move on. if these pills help that, then great. but if they make my life, my writing, more difficult then i say screw them hard, i'll go it alone.

with six you get eggroll

2009-03-22T03:57:00.004-05:00

welcome to the family, marley!

yes, for anyone keeping track i am now the mom to SIX fuzzbutts! little marley was looking for a new home. her mom had gotten a promotion at work. which is great, especially in the current economy, but it wasn't so great for little miss marley because promotion=more responsibility=more work=less ferret time.

i went back & forth for a while if i should adopt marley or not. yes, i have five, which is a lot of ferrets. but then, on the other side, cassidy seems to really miss lily because nyddah is sundance's BFF, & podo & doodle will kind of pair up, which leaves cass all on his own. so i was thinking it may be nice to get a little girl to see if she'd bond with cass, or at least somehow even things out. & then Z told me i couldn't buy love & that it'd be wrong to try to replace lily in cass's heart & i'd be evil. so then i was thinking no.

well, two things happened while i was in cali. the first, i decided to tell E that if cass & lily seem super upset to be separated that i would let him take cass most of the time so the two of them could be together. i know, that's super huge to give up one of my ferrets. but i really want my kids to be happy & if cass is really happiest with lily i want that for him. i also just put the marley issue out into the universe & said if she's meant to be part of my family then she will be, & if not i hope that she finds a really great home.

i had emailed marley's former mom before i went to cali & spoke with her & told her i was going out of town & i'd talk with her again when i got home. well, after returning to MN little marley was still looking for a place to live. i then decided to get a second opinion. i asked E what he thought because he knows how much work ferrets are & he'd be the one that i would wind up asking to watch her (&my other fuzzies) if they need a sitter. he didn't even hesitate & told me right away to adopt her. that pretty much blew my mind because i figured he would tell me "beckah, you have five ferrets, that's more than enough, you don't need another one, you crazy ferret lady." guess there was just something in the universe saying little miss marley was meant to be part of my family.

she's a smart little girl with TONS of energy. she fit in right away with the gang. i had E's ferrets for a few days because he was really sick. so when i walked in with marley tonight (er, saturday night) she right away wanted to play & run with the other kids. i held her for a little bit & then picked up the other ferrets one by one to sniff her, but then she wanted to just run & dook & play. there weren't any tempertantrums or bickering amongst the kids. they right away just accepted her as another one of them. she also seems to be in ferret 7th heaven with all of the fuzzbutt toys that i have & the fact that she went from being an only ferret to haivng five siblings. as i type this she & doodle are cuddled up together in the plush fish in the cage.

i've kind of considered changing her name from marley. it's a cute name, but it's not exactly what i would have chosen. she does answer to it though, which makes me feel a bit guilty about changing her name. & then there's the fact that her other mom really loved her & i feel sorta bad changing her name. i didn't feel bad about changing sundance & cassidy's name from what they were previously cause they didn't answer & i couldn't pronounce them anyway. & nyddah's, well, that was another situation. i did leave podo & doodle's names. so guess it's a toss up. i was thinking if i did change it that maybe i'd change it to harley, it rhymes with marley so she should still answer to it & it's super cute. we'll see what happens with that.

here are some pics of marley (harley?) with her new siblings & cousins (E's kids are her cousins. harley (i think i'm going to see if she answers to that) is the one in the middle with the two dark patches on her head with podo above her. doodle & nyddah are missing from this picture, but otherwise the rest of the gang is there. the fuzzbutts all really love each other, which makes me happy.

looking forward

2009-03-19T15:17:00.004-05:00

back from cali & i have a bit of a plan. still not too sure on some of the finer details. but here's what i've got so far:

~march 20th meet with the shrink at the emily program for possible medication
~march 25th meet with deborah at the gls house to talk about my thesis/mfa
~mid april-beginning of may meet with larry also about my thesis
~some time in the next 12 months head out to cali again

um, yeah. so, good plan. to quote Z "great talk." i did make some lists of some things that i want to do in order to "reclaim my life." or, at least that's what i'm calling it. lately i've let some things get out of my control & i need to get everything back in order. while in cali i did get some stuff figured in terms of my writing. & just in terms of my life in general. & i took a long hard look at what i'm doing right now, what i want to be doing/where i want to be in 5-10 years, & now i'm trying to map out a path of how to get there.

the first step/stop on my journey is getting my mfa. like i said in my airport message i feel like things will start to fall into place once that is done. i'm going to put the novel aside, work on just my poetry & get the damn degree already so i can start looking forward to other things.

me + my luggage = what?

2009-03-18T10:49:00.005-05:00

the new things with airlines is no luggage no extra fee, but you want to check a bag & you're going to pay for it. when i was in cali i did a BUNCH of shopping & got some nifty new stuff (mainly clothes, but also some dvds & new lights for my bedroom). so i had to buy myself a duffel bag to get all my stuff home because i didn't feel like boxing it up & shipping it, or making dev ship it for me. so yesterday morning at the airport i had to pay an extra $40 to get myself & my luggage both back home. i know, highway robbery. it was $15 for the first bag & $25 for the second one, but, i did get tons of stuff out there & it was pretty cheap. i know shipping it probably would've been cheaper, but, like i said i didn't want to deal with that.

so the airport employee had my bags up on the scale & just for kicks i asked how much it weighed. 57.8 lbs for two checked bags. hrm. so let's see. i am about 160 + two checked bags of 57.8= 217.8. & the last time i flew back in 2007 i was 263. so myself & my luggage combined weigh almost 50lbs less than the last time i flew, but they're charging me an extra $40 to check luggage because of increased gas prices. anyone else feel snookered here? cause i know i do. i know it's just a way for the airlines to have higher revenue coming in while appearing to have lowered ticket prices. because seriously, who doesn't fly with checked bags? especially when the size allowance on carry-ons keeps getting smaller & smaller.

personally i'm thinking if gas prices is what is driving the airlines to adjust the prices of flights then there should be some changes to the pricing. how about each ticket giving you a weight allowance. you + luggage is less than or equal to X no additional fee. you + luggage is greater than X & there is a sliding scale fee. i was just told at work "just because you're skinny don't hate on fat people." & i don't hate on fat people. i was one not that long ago & still see myself as such even though dev has nicknamed me his SLB (skinny little bitch) friend. isn't it odd that i still see myself as a fat person? talk about body dysmorphia.

not sure when i plan on flying again, but i may need to just get a bigger suitcase. so instead of two smaller ones & having to pay two luggage fees then i'll just have to pay one fee for one bag. that'll work, right? i know i'll be headed back to the bay within the next year, but just don't know the exact when. in the mean time maybe i'll have to learn how to pack more stuff into a smaller space. lots of possibilities here.

california dreamin'

2009-03-17T12:03:00.003-05:00

once again i'm sitting in a california airport waiting for a plane to take me back to mn. i was only here for 6 days/5 nights but i got a lot done in that time. i physically did a lot. i saw the winchester mystery mansion, went to alcatraz, ran all over pier 39, haggled for silk robes in san fran, bought so many new clothes using my 30% discount at gap that i had to get an extra duffel at target for the trip back, got drunk off one B-52 in a souvenir shot glass at the hard rock, saw a body tales performance, took some bubble baths, drank lots of long islands at dave&busters, cruised in a convertible, sang karaoke, did some writing, reconnected with my poetry, fell in love with avocado, laughed over burning man memories of elephant dick & the orange tent, hung with one of my best friends in the world eating 100 calorie bags of popcorn watching random dvds, & did a lot of thinking/soul searching.

where does this leave me? i just said: sitting in the san jose airport on free wireless waiting for a plane to take me back to minnesota. i can't even say back home because i just don't know. it's been almost two years this time between my trips out to california. the last time i was here it was for my 30th birthday to get my fairie tattoo. before that i'd been out here a few times, visiting my friends & hanging out. there is something about california that i really love. talking to my friends that live here i see the ugly side too, they have some really fucked up laws (ie ferrets are illegal) & the tax is even more ridiculous than mn & the gas prices are way more. but still, there is something about this place that i really love. & i feel at home here. i just don't know if i could move here. a big part of me loves it to that point, but i know myself & i'd need to have a very strong support system out here. friends are great & can be a great help, but sometimes you can only lean on a friend so much.

i still don't know what the fuck i'm doing. i'm not going pretend that i took a long weekend trip & i know everything that i'm going to do with my life, because i just don't. but i feel more focused than i did before. before i came out here i was a mess. i felt like a mess, i was chaos in a pair of low rise blue jeans, docs, & nightmare before christmas hoodie. my head was a swirl of confusion & i was lurching from one thing to another doing just what i could in order to get by & onto the next day.

still no answers, no great over arching epiphany, but i do feel more centered. dev was wonderful this past weekend. i could not ask for a better friend if i tried to place a custom order for one. every day he asked me what i felt like doing & even though i was kind of lame saturday & sunday night & just wanted to stay in with microwave popcorn watching movies he was fine with it & we had a great time. sometimes i feel like going out & dancing & drinking & partying. which we did friday night & it was awesome, but sometimes i need to be more still. & he was great about letting me just be still & being there for me while i was. i just really hope that one day i will be able to repay him for everything he did. i don't feel like a hug & a thank you & a hallmark card can do enough to convey my deep appreciation for his friendship.

so back to mn to try to put all of this back together in some meaningful order. i'll be meeting with deborah soon about my mfa. it's time to finish that up & move on with my life. to do that i may need to cut my loses & focus just on my poetry manuscript. it wouldn't mean abandoning my novel because i will finish it, but i may need to just set my novel aside for right now & focus on getting my poetry manuscript together, complete, as strong as it can be so that i can obtain my degree & have that one chapter of my life completed. but i'll figure out more of that in the upcoming weeks. for now. i'm going to shut down my laptop. repack my carry on luggage. & get ready for the flight home. maybe pop an ultram for pain. maybe take a nap in flight. either way i'm leaving california better than when i got here. & leaving behind pretty much one of the best friends a girl could have.

movie time

2009-03-07T10:48:00.003-06:00

this link is a really cute twist on the movie the watchmen. if you haven't seen the movie yet i suggest you do so. very soon. it was fabulous! i've seen the movie twice & plan on seeing it again in the theater, i think. & if i don't see it in the theater again i will definitely buy it on dvd as soon as it comes out. i haven't read the book, although i am currently in the middle of reading (see the action shot below). so far the book is really great & if it continues being so, which i'm guessing it will, i recommend both the book & the movie!

my life is messy

2009-03-02T13:08:00.008-06:00

so E called me late friday evening. one of his ferrets, moxie (my favorite one & one of the ones that i asked him to give me in the break up) was sick. she'd been at the vet earlier that day, but she was sluggish, stumbling around, & had a small seizure. yeah, i know, scary. he called me to ask if i had any ferretvite, which is a high calorie supplement to give ferrets when they are sick. it can be given to healthy ferrets too, a bit at a time, as just a multivitamin, but it's also good if your ferret is sick to help them get better. basically he suspected that she had insulinoma. basically that is the ferret version of diabetes. well, with fuzzies since they're such tiny little guys they can go from being a little sick to seizing & dead VERY quickly. so poor moxie was having trouble walking & had a small, or a couple small, seizures. well, since she's my lil girl i had to rush right over to see her, ferretvite & all my other treats in tow.

i did have plans for friday night, but the universe was somehow working towards me taking care of my moxie because my plans fell through about five minutes before E called to tell me she was sick. what would i have done if i would have still had plan/been out with my friends & E called me to say mox was sick? i'm really not sure. she's my little girl & i adore her to pieces, but i also know that he can't expect me to drop everything in my life at a moment notice because he needs something. & there was a part of me that wanted to tell him i was busy, even though i wasn't, just so he doesn't think he can expect me to come running whenever he calls. but, if something would've happened to mox i would have been devastated that i didn't get to spend just a little more time with my baby.

this whole being civil & remaining friends for the kids is hard. WAY hard. not like i hate E or anything, because i don't. but seeing him & knowing that there is a wall between us cuts me. i know it's trite & over used & totally cliche, but it feels just like a knife being twisted in my chest. & i'm starting to think that maybe i shouldn't see him at all for a while. i want to talk to him & i miss him, but seeing him kills me right now. & i don't know how much longer i can keep torturing myself.

so what now?

2009-02-27T17:50:00.005-06:00

good question. damn good question. wish that i had the answer to that. here's what i do know:
~march 10th i have my year surgery follow up at hcmc
~march 12th i'm headed to cali
~march 17th i'm back from cali
~march 20th i have my psych eval for possible medication script
~march 21st & beyond: not a single clue

one thing i know is that while i should be very content & happy with my job(s) i'm not. i want more out of my life. i want more than just the status quo. i deserve more than the status quo. i deserve spectacular. i do know that i can't get that just sitting around biding my time & waiting. waiting for what i don't know. it wasn't until just recently, like oh, the last 24 hours that i realized i have been waiting. waiting. watching. wondering. wasting. definitely wasting my time. & that's the most previous commodity that any of us has is our time. & i'm done wasting mine.

it goes against the grain of my personality. i tend to be a very giving person. a very loving person. a very accommodating person. but i need to be more selfish in order to protect my most import asset: myself. it's one thing if i get back as much from the person as i give, but i've come to realize that doesn't happen all the time. for instance, with E. it's been just like 2 1/2 weeks since the break up (& yeah, it still hurts at times) but trying to step back & take a look at what was really going on, he wasn't giving me as much as i needed. as much as i wanted. as much as i deserved. he expected me to respect what a precious commodity HIS time was, but he didn't give that same consideration to me often.

& he also didn't pay attention to me in the way i need when it comes to my writing. at times i felt like he didn't think writing was as important as the painting/illustrating that he did. which is complete & total bullshit. in a visual world how fucking hard is it to be a writer? the answer is: DAMN HARD! & while i kept up on his deviant art site & kept up on his projects i would often have to tell him over & over & over & OVER again what i was working on. which, let's face it gang, isn't that tough. i'm working on a novel, some poetry, & then a memoir about my eating disorder. that's basically 3 things i was asking him to keep track of. ok, yeah, a little hurt over that whole thing.

i deserve to have someone in my life that remembers those little things that i'm doing & makes it a priority to remember. i know some people have bad memories, but even if you have a really bad memory you should be able to keep a couple things straight/in your mind about the person you love/are in a relationship with. not like i'm saying E is a bad person or anything, because i'm not. but that is one of the things that bothered me is that i often felt like i was not as big a priority in his life as he was in mine. & that is a really bad feeling.

i really don't know what my plans are, honestly. right now i'm just trying to get through each day as best that i can. some days are harder than others. i miss E a lot, i miss our relationship, i miss the promise of all of that....but i know that i can't live in the past or in the promises of what once was. all i can really do is take what i have & deal with that.

& another bit of beckah on the web

2009-02-26T13:48:00.003-06:00

i created a deviant art page this morning before heading into work. it's listed under my list of links, but here it is:

http://justshayde.deviantart.com/

i'll be posting poems & other pieces of writing there. of course, this will always be my blog, but it can't hurt to get my writing out into the world & seen by more people. right now there is only one poem on it because that's all that i had time to post before i left for work. but i have lots more poems to put up there....& another reason to write a bunch more. to get myself out there & keep people checking my deviant art page, my blog.

yes, yes i am pimping myself. pretty soon i'll be getting business cards too. thanks for the recommendation, sahara!

happy NEDA (national eating disorder awareness) week

2009-02-23T18:20:00.004-06:00

february 22-28th is national eating disorder awareness week. what does that mean to me? i honestly don't know. this is something that i live with each day, every day, each moment that i'm awake. it's something that i battle with as i sleep. & in all the in-between places. i asked E if our break up has/had anything to do with my eating disorder. & he told me no. & i believe him. but he did say that it scares him that maybe i will die from it. fuck. i thought i was the only one that considered that. but i'm not. my mom said she's worried about me. that maybe one day my body will buckle under the strain of my eating disorder & it'll kill me. so there's at least two people.

how fucking lame would that be if i allowed myself to let this fucking disease over take me? i keep thinking that over & over. & then i think that i should be stronger. sometimes i try to make light of all of it & think what my dad said to me when i was a kid "be a cloutier. be a man." it's what anyone in my family says when things get tough & we need to be tougher. but just sucking it up isn't going to help me this time. i've been in therapy now for almost six months now & i do wonder if it's working or not. how is talking about my relationship with food going to fix anything? how much longer do i want to do this? how much longer can i do it?

i want to be healed already. i want to be ok. i feel so broken. vulnerable. fragile. i absolutely hate feeling like that. i hate that every interaction with food is a little battle for me. eating breakfast. packing a lunch. going out to dinner with friends. facing treat day at work. potlucks. anything & everything involving food becomes a dance for me. i want to be normal, but what is the normal? i feel like there are so many things that influence my every day interactions with & thoughts about food. but i don't feel that it's appropriate to blame "the media" or "society" or anything else. like any situation my eating disorder is complex. it's made up of so many little nuances, each of which influence each other & compound each other that there isn't an easy fix to any of it.

there's also a part of me that for some reason is resentful of my workplace reaction to all of this. not like i'd decorate my cube or put up a bunch of stuff talking about eating disorders. but there's something about the fact that it's been made clear that my eating disorder should be kept out of my work that is off putting to me. especially as the week starts that is supposed to be national eating disorder awareness week. yeah. something to ponder.

i want to write more, but i'm not quite sure what to say at this moment. & i need to take E's ferrets back to him. the longer i wait to leave the later it'll be when i get home.

when will thin be thin enough?

2009-02-20T14:58:00.011-06:00

it's a question i've been asking myself a lot lately. today at work i was passing by someone & she said "you're SO thin!" & i just smiled & nodded because i didn't know what else to say or do. i was 155.8 this morning on my scale. yesterday morning i was 158.8. i don't think i really lost 3 lbs in one day, at least, i'm pretty sure that i haven't. i have been eating. yesterday it was more like 2 meals & a snack because i had this health screening at work at 11am & i had to fast for 9hrs before hand so i didn't have anything to eat until lunch time. on the plus side, my fasting glucose was 66 which is on the low end of normal so i don't think i really have anything to worry about with my blood sugar.

if i'm weighing 155 my bmi is around 26. still over weight. still frickin overweight! it makes me want to scream & tear at the walls. i was laying in bed this morning getting ready to get up & face the day & i can feel my ribs easily beneath my skin. my hips protrude from the skin. so do the edges of my pelvic bone. yeah, really, they do. i can feel my vertebrae all the way down my back. & it's painful. really painful to sit directly on your tailbone. trust me on this one. i know because i've been doing it. but i'm still not thin enough for me (for my eating disorder). but then, i'm happy because i'm just 10 lbs away from being in the "normal" BMI range. yes, sick, twisted, i know this.

& the BMI charts are a crock of shit in general. i mean, really, who do they apply to? i have met some of the thinnest, fittest, healthiest people that the BMI charts say are overweight. really? wtf, mate? at the health screening yesterday i mentioned to the health coach that i was concerned about my BMI & she looked at me like i'd suddenly grown a second head on my shoulders. & she asked about my fitness & i told her how much i used to work out & she said even if i'm still not that active (which i'm totally not) that my body has maintained some of the muscle & that definitely has an impact on BMI & that i really shouldn't be worried too much.

so what about HCMC's estimate of my weight? 132.7 is where they think i should be. so i still have another, um, 20+ lbs to go. i'm not shy about admitting that my thighs, stomach, upper arms all have fat that could be gotten rid of. also my calves are pretty chunky. then again, i was told yesterday that my face is really thin, too thin, & my upper body is really too thin also. if i were made of play-do all i would need is a little reshaping & sculpting to be all better. but i'm not made of play-do. & all i can do is start to exercise & hope that'll help some & then start saving for plastic surgery.

at this point i'm really not looking for perfection. i'd just like to be able to wear a short sleeved shirt without being SO self conscious. & i'd like to be able to wear a swim suit without being so hyper aware of how saggy & flabby my thighs are. yeah, exercise should help some. if i would've started exercising a year ago that would've been best because i would've been working out while i was in such rapid weight loss from the surgery, but i can't go back in time. & if i could, i'd probably want to change so much that i may not even find myself at the same place that i am right now because i would've changed the outcome of my life. (as an aside i finally watched the matrix a few weeks ago. yeah, probably a good thing i didn't see it a while ago. it totally messed with my head & is still tripping me up. i totally would've been much more paranoid for the last several years if i'd seen the matrix in the 90's. & i feel like i already blogged about this. did i really? or am i just experiencing deja vu because something was changed in the program? yup. good thing i didn't watch the matrix before).

i wonder when i really WILL be thin enough. will it be a number on the scale? will it be a clothing size? right now i wear anything between a 13 & 15 in jeans depending on the brand. t-shirts i wear medium or large, depending on the cut. i have lots of clothes that are bigger than that because they're cute & i'm trying to get as much wear out of them as possible. i never thought i'd find myself in this place. for the longest time i would've said that 13 would be just dandy! that to wear a medium or large tshirt would be just ducky! that to walk into victoria secret & fit nicely into their medium panties would be perfect. & yet. & yet. *sighs* & yet here i find myself obsessing as i look at my clothes, run my hands over my body, & criticize the reflection the mirror gives me.

finally: the charts from hcmc in december

2009-02-18T06:29:00.005-06:00

my desk is being moved at work today. or rather, i'm being moved, the desk is staying where it is. so i was cleaning my cube & packing stuff up & i found my chart from my december appointment at hcmc. so i figured i'd put it up here. as of december my bmi was 27 (still over weight) & i'm still 26 lbs from hcmc's goal weight for me.

i still don't know how i feel about that. i don't even remember weighing the amount i do right now. yesterday morning i was in a meeting at work & i think i may have been the smallest girl in the meeting. that blew my mind & i was unable to concentrate for the rest of the meeting because i was trying to guess if i did weigh the least. & then at the same time i was thinking about my body & how i looked & just so dissatisfied that i weigh as much as i do. or, that i'm as big as i am. & i do realize that is a really fucked up thing to say because i see how thin, too thin parts of my body are. but then, but, i'll look at my clothes & think that they are huge & i'll touch my arms or legs or tummy & just get so upset that they aren't smaller.

& no, i'm not oblivious to how messed up this all is. evidently it's darkest before the dawn. i kind of hate that phrase. actually, i really hate that phrase. i hate any cliches that are meant to make you feel better, they literally make me sick. i don't like being sick & weak. i hate the fact that everyday is a struggle to get myself out of bed, dressed, & go into work to face another day. everyday i come home so exhausted & wrung out. & i let out my ferrets & i don't even really have the energy to actively play with them. on the one hand i'm lucky i have five because they have each other to play with. but i know they miss me. they'll come up to be & want to play, or give me kisses. & they give me this look. they are SO sad. & that just breaks my heart.

*sighs* i don't want to, i really don't want to, but i think that today i will ask ann for the referral to see a psychiatrist & get on a med temporarily. i feel defeated saying that. & i'm so damn scared that i won't be able to write any more. & i'm confused. & i am having trouble concentrating. it's 7:33am. time to head to work.

blessed

2009-02-17T20:41:00.005-06:00

i'm having chest pains right now & i hurt so bad i can barely sit on my couch. my doctor called & said all of my labs were normal except for my blood glucose, which was 145 & not fasting. so she is going to send me a lab slip & wants me to come in & do a fasting blood draw soon. i'm not terribly worried because i know that day was off. i had eaten barely anything, just mainly espresso with milk & splenda. i think maybe i nibbled something, i can't recall. honestly that day was a blur. i think that's a bit high, but it's not terribly high. i have to say though, wouldn't it be totally fucking ironic if i wind up having gastric bypass to get healthier & then i wind up getting fucking type 2 diabetes anyway? right before they drew my blood, as in, oh, one minute before, i had just finished drinking my coffee.

over the past couple days i've talked with some friends about the medication route. i still really don't want to do it, but i'm getting worse. a lot worse by the day. i go to work in the morning & i become a lot like a ferret. i hide my pain & put on a brave face & show people what they want to see. & then, at the end of the day, i limp home completely wrung out & exhausted. tonight i stopped at cub to pick up some fresh fruit & i was so fuzzy headed i could barely think while shopping. i got home & wanted to skip dinner because it just seemed like too much work to microwave something. in the end i wound up eating a couple of strawberries & a piece of pizza.

right now i feel so weak & everything seems overwhelming. & yeah, the bullshit with E weighs heavy on my heart. & my fuzzy cassidy is depressed & misses his sweetheart lily. & that hurts to watch cassidy be hurt & i can't do anything about it. yes, i know some people are thinking "they are just ferrets." but really, they are much smarter & more intuitive & sensitive than people think. & while i am hurting badly about E it's really my eating disorder that is more concerning.

some of my friends & family want to blame E for my decline in health, but this had started before last week. i've been treading water in terms of my eating disorder for a while. my life has been chaos since december & i've been trying to figure this thing out. every week i go to therapy & every week i try to do my best, in every meal, every day, every hour. it just seems like it's not enough.

& i keep hearing that i'm strong & i'll be ok & i'll get through this even stronger on the other side. but why can't i have faith in that? maybe because right now i'm running low on everything. well, almost everything. i am really fortunate in that i am getting a lot of support from my friends & family. last night a friend from the east coast called. he was talking with me online & called to see how i was. today another friend that i haven't talked to in a few weeks just randomly texted me. i asked him how he knew i needed a friend & he said he didn't know, just that i had been on his mind. & then sinead called me tonight. so i am very blessed. while i'm having difficulty having faith in myself i do have a lot of people that are showing they care about me & love me. i have to admit, that helps. just knowing that there are so many people around that care about me & really want me to get better & want to help me in anyway that they can.

while i really don't want to do it, i am thinking that tomorrow when i see ann i'll get a referral to see a psychiatrist at the emily program to talk about meds. like sinead & josey said, it doesn't have to be forever, maybe just for a little bit. & if it'll help me get evened out enough to get my eating under control & start to get healthy, then that's what i'll have to do. obviously being stubborn & living on espresso are not doing anything. oh caffeine, why have you forsaken me? i guess this just goes to show: there really are some problems that cannot be solved by coffee.

but, for right now. it's almost 10:30pm & it's taken me quite a while to finish this blog because i keep losing my train of thought..... & nearly falling asleep. so i'm off to bed & hoping for a good night's sleep.

father knows best....well....sometimes...

2009-02-15T18:05:00.003-06:00

i do love my dad, don't get me wrong. but sometimes i just wonder if he's ever met a girl in his life. i showed up all broken hearted & wounded friday night at my parents' house with ferrets & footie jammies in tow. & we're watching a movie & i'm trying to choke down a bit of pizza & he looks at me & says "men are like buses. if you miss one another one will come by."

really? that's what you're going to tell me when i don't know what's happening with the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life. damn.

so then today we're watching the history of gangs on the history channel. it was a two hour show that went all the way back to the start of america as a country & then talked about gangs all the way up to today. at one point there was a clip of "west side story" on the show & my parents started talking about what a good movie it was. i admitted that i hadn't seen it so my dad says "hey, it's on demand, let's watch it."

are you fucking kidding me? this time i looked at him & said "really. you are seriously suggesting that right now i watch a love story about a white guy & a puerto rican girl? are you kidding me?!" for anyone who doesn't know, E is from puerto rico. yeah. my dad. mr sensitive he's not.

but, his faux pas in the arena of love aside, my dad has a good heart & tries really hard. he also does the best he can by me & my siblings. & sometimes he does have some good advice. yesterday we were together most of the afternoon at the emergency vet because walker (my parents' dog) was super sick. while we were stuck in the uncomfortable chairs at the emergency vet with nothing to do but stare at the walls or talk to each other my dad & i actually talked to each other.

he's still not very comfortable talking about my eating disorder. he just doesn't get it. he thinks that all i need to do is just put my meals in this little pink bowl he gave me, each everything in that bowl three times a day & i'll be fine. on the one hand my dad is right. if i could just three times a day portion out a balance of protein, veggies/fruit, & carbs & then actually eat that, just that, no snacking, i'd be ok. the cynic in me says this sounds so similar to the way to "fix" a fat person. "just eat less and exercise more & you'll drop that weight in no time!" it's so easy in theory, from the outside the answer is simple & obvious. but when you're in that body, in that life, it's not so easy all the time to do what you should.

on the upside, getting to spend some time alone with my dad we got to talk & neither of us could run or avoid any issues. on friday i went to my doctor to talk about the issues i've been having with pain & all of that. my doctor ran a bunch of lab tests & then asked me a bunch of questions: are you throwing up, are you exercising, how often are you exercising, are you depressed, why aren't you eating, how often are you eating, & etc. she also had the lab do an ekg to see how my heart is holding up (it turned out normal) in addition to all the blood tests. i'll find out about the blood tests next week. she then looks at me & tells me that she thinks that i'm depressed & that i really should go on an antidepressant.

my therapist wants me to see one of their psychiatrists at the emily program & go on antidepressants. that was the one thing that i said up front i did not want at all: no pills. i was on paxil in the past & i couldn't feel anything. sure, i didn't feel sad anymore, but i didn't feel happy, angry, or anything at all. so i took myself off of that. then later i was on wellbutrin which was ok, except i would be fine & then all of a sudden i would be the most angry person on planet earth. there wouldn't be any reason for it at all, just suddenly i'd be filled with rage. once again, i took myself off that medication. now i know that those aren't the only two meds in the world that are meant to help with depression, but so far i've had bad experiences with two antidepressants.

when i told my dad both my doctor & my therapist think i need to be on antidepressants he got pretty upset on my behalf. & for once (unlike the bus reference or west side story incident) he had some good advice for me. my dad thinks, & i agree & this is what i think too, that there has to be SOMETHING else that i can try before i bend to the pressure & go on pills. my dad suggested i try this liquid vitamin that he takes called vibe. & then he suggested that i start exercising, even if it's just five minutes a day. he thinks between those two things that maybe it'll help my moods enough, & also my eating disorder, so that i don't have to go on meds.

& i agree with him. because i really don't want to go on meds. if i have to i will. & i guess maybe it'll make an interesting chapter in my book, but that's also why i don't want to go on meds. the two times that i've been on meds in the past they've seriously fucked with my head to the point of interfering with my ability to write. & i don't want to take that chance. it's just too high a price to pay. if i go on meds & they "fix" me enough to get my eating disorder under control, but then i'm not able to write, what good is it being "fixed" because the part of me that i value the most, that is really the essence of who i am, would be missing. seems a little like a catch 22. i don't know 100% for sure that the meds will fuck with my ability to write. but seriously, anything that chemically changes your brain cannot be great for you. & i don't know that i want to take a chance.

they're numbers, just numbers, scoob

2009-02-13T12:59:00.004-06:00

stepped on the scale this am. 161.4. & i smiled. i was happy because earlier this week the scale said 165. my heart is broken. i feel emotionally torn asunder. but the scale rewarded me (my eating disorder) with a loss. & was it me smiling or my eating disorder? right now, my eating disorder is loud & has more control than she should. so it was her smiling. it was me. it was both of us. i shimmied into my size 14 jeans, which hug my hips & thighs & are a tidge tighter than i want them to be. but the scale has me so close to being back in the 150's. & all the while as i pull the jeans up, button & zip them. i'm thinking as i look down at my flabby belly & thighs that if only i could get rid of that fat that is hanging out. i don't want hollywood perfection (do i? no, i don't think so). i just want to be able to look at myself naked without feeling shame for the abuse my body has taken over the years.

i ate breakfast. but that wasn't until 10:30am (i think it was then). i forced myself to eat yesterday. my sister came by after work. she is a godsend. if she would not have been here i may have skipped dinner. & even with her here, watching me, i only ate about 1/3 of a piece of pizza. i tried. i really tried to eat more but my stomach clenched & rolled & i couldn't eat more. i felt like i didn't deserve to eat. didn't deserve food. i had to punish myself because it was my fault (even though i know it's not true & E said it's not true & dev said E is a fucking idiot for giving up the best woman on earth----have i mentioned i love dev for being such a loyal friend?) so even though i know that this is all E's issue(s) & it's nothing i did my eating disorder doesn't care. it's something for her to grab, hang on to, something for her to hold up in my face to tell me "see, if you let ME control your life things will be better."

how starving myself &/or binging will make my life better i don't now. eating disorders are a strange beast. they're a combo of medical & mental health issue. technically i see a therapist & technically my claims are paid from my mh/sa benes on my health insurance (mh/sa benes= mental health/substance abuse benefits). a lot of it is in my head & my response to food. the way that i deal with, or don't deal with, my emotions. but it has a lot of medical repercussions that are not necessarily evident with other mental health issues. i have a doctor appointment tonight because i am very weak & sick. i haven't wanted to admit it to anyone, but physically i'm sort of back to where i was this past fall....& no it isn't all of a sudden since the break with E. it's been going on before that. i've also had dizzy episodes & near passing out. my chest hurts. & i missed my last period (& no, i'm not pregnant). i confessed all this last week in therapy & i've never seen ann or amy so shocked. so yeah, i had to promise them i'd go to the doctor.

i haven't even lost that much weight recently. or starved myself (too much) recently. so i don't know why i missed my period. i'm on the pill so it should be pretty regulated. i thought that kind of thing only happened to girls who weigh like 100 lbs or less. i told my mom all this & i could hear her tears over the phone. & her response was "in nazi concentration camps women stopped menstruating because of extreme malnutrition because they were starved." isn't it amazing that my cabinets & fridge are stuffed to capacity with food & yet i'm starving & malnourished?

it makes me feel insane amounts of guilt. that i live in the richest country in the world, in a comfortable suburban home, with enough income to buy food, i do buy food, & yet i can't deal with it in a natural way. i know there are children starving here in my own country, here in minnesota there are children & people without enough to eat & i look at a piece of pizza & retch & feel nothing but repulsion. & when that guilt settles in sometimes i binge. but often i feel that if i can't be grateful then i don't deserve to eat at all. & then i starve myself (restrict as they say at the emily program). & i swing between binging & restriction. sometimes in the same day.

i'm sitting here at my computer & as i type i can see the bones in my hand move & it's oddly hypnotizing to see that. & i look down & i can see my clavicles protruding from my skin. & the part of me that is ME can't believe what i'm doing to my body. & my eating disorder is oddly pleased by it all. & then the writer in me thinks i need to get out my camera & take some pictures for my memoir because a picture really does need to be put in sometimes to convey a message. & in the end all these different parts are all me & i need to put them together to go on. i know that i can always go back to my parents. i know that they will always pick me up & put the pieces back together & make everything ok, or as ok as they can, but i need to do this myself in order to really recover.

when i was at the emily program on wednesday waiting for my appointment i was looking through the interactive journal in their waiting room. it's there for anyone to write anything they want in it. i was reading it & there was something in there that i swear my sister could have written. it was about how this girl was proud of her sister for admitting her problems & getting help & going through therapy for her eating disorder. & even though her sister thinks she is weak that she is really a very strong person, stronger than she knows & she's an amazing woman that can beat this disease. of course that's a paraphrase. i really wanted to copy the page, or take a picture with my iphone (maybe i will next week). & yesterday night when rachel was here she patted me knee, looked at me & said "you're stronger than you know. you'll get through all of this. i know that you will." my sister is an amazing person. she'll never know how much she means to me & how glad i am to have her.

happy re-birthday. or not so fucking happy

2009-02-12T12:35:00.004-06:00

i'm in a bit of a self pitying mood right now. yesterday i met with manager yesterday & heard her side of the eating disorder discussion at work thing & it seems to come down to the fact that there is the perception that people will not respect me, or look down on me, or see me as weak or otherwise not a "leader" if they find out i have an eating disorder. i think that's total bologna. but for the sake of respecting my manager & supervisor's wishes i'm not going to talk about it much at work anymore. i know. it's fucking pathetic that i can't discuss a medical issue when i work at a health insurance company, but whatever.

that was only part of the disaster that was yesterday. i was just in a funk pretty much all day at work. i went to see my therapist yesterday evening as per usual & a ton of stuff came up that i've been mentally sitting on for a while. issues that i was semi aware of, but not really aware of. so it looks like i'll still be in therapy for quite some time. it's an over used phrase & is often quoted in many situations, but it really is a marathon not a sprint. i need to remind myself of that often to keep things in perspective.

& then to top off the day i had a really difficult evening with E. basically my night last night ended about 6:30am this morning when i finally cried myself to sleep for a whole hour & a half of not very restful sleep. i woke up at 8am & tried to go to work only to be sent home because i looked like a train wreck. i had a splitting headache/migraine so i called in at 5:30am & said i'd be in late, by 1pm, to do my presentation. since i couldn't sleep i showed up at 9am thinking maybe i could do some work. & i really had no business going in. my eyes were red & puffy & i was pretty much a disaster. i wasn't able to say more than 6 words to anyone without bursting into tears.

so what happened? yeah, good question, one that i'd like an answer to also. *sighs* E said he needs some time to figure stuff out, that he needs a break from our relationship. & that killed me. especially considering my last post in which i basically shouted out that i'm so gaga head over heels in love with him & think he's THE ONE. yeah. i feel like an idiot. i really do. & i'm really hurt. devastated. & of course my eating disorder is using this as a wonderful excuse to jump up & have a say in my life.

but i do have some things going for me. i have a wonderful sister. i showed up at her desk today & pulled her into a room & told her what was going on & she hugged me & held me & told me that this really sucks but that i'm a stronger person than i realize & i'll get through it. she's going to stop by my place after work & spend some time with me so that i'm not alone (i mean, besides the ferrets & rats). she made me promise her that i'd go home & have some water & some food. i haven't done so well on that. it's almost 1pm & i still haven't eaten anything. i've had coffee, but not really much water. which i really need. i know i'm dehydrated from crying for several hours straight.

today on my way home from work my good friend dev called me from cali. i'd sent him a text message saying simply "he broke my heart." & dev is an awesome person. he gave me a lot of good advice & put a lot of things in perspective for me. i'm still hurting, really badly. & i may or may not go into work tomorrow. i haven't decided that yet. but one thing dev pointed out is better E say he need some time to figure things out now than 5 years in the future when there are kids involved (yes, there are E & my ferrets involved, & they will be upset about not seeing each other/see each other as often.... but they'll have to buck up & grow up). but it could be worse. he & i could have had kids to deal with, a mortgage, breaking up a household or a myriad of other things that could have made things that much worse. i simply love dev, he never pulls any punches & never sugar coats a single fucking thing. sometimes what he says hurts, but it's always right.

i'm still upset, pretty upset & i'll need more time to process in order to become more okay with all of this. but the biggest thing for me is i'm going to miss E so fucking bad. he's become my best friend, my closest confident, & a really good companion over the course of our relationship & i hate to lose all that. maybe the friendship can be salvaged. i have been able to remain friends with other people i've been involved with, some of them becoming really good friends of mine. maybe this is only a small bump in our relationship. i don't have a crystal ball & i can't predict the future. i know what my preferred outcome is, if i can have my way. but ultimately i want happiness for both E & i.

so happy fucking re-birthday to me.

one thing i know is my sister is right. for some people allowing depression to settle in & cause meal skipping is a temporary thing & nothing too worrisome. but for me i need to be extra vigilant to not let that happen because for me to do that is really dangerous, possibly life threatening. & like E said, i've got my ferrets & rats that depend on me 100%. & if i get sick they won't have anyone. so i'll post this blog. drink some water. nibble a little something. & go nap.

a brief you tube ferret interlude

2009-02-08T22:50:00.002-06:00

tales from cubeville

2009-02-05T18:25:00.003-06:00

yesterday i got a shock during my 1:1 with my supervisor. periodically my sup meets with all of us to see how things are going, do we have any concerns, etc. so i told her things are just ab-fab & i'm happy with the new hard drive IT dug up for me & it's sweet to be able to do my job on a working computer. so at the end of all this fuzzy feel good-ness she tells me that she has something to talk to me about. yeah. that is NEVER good. so she tells me that someone went to her supervisor & said something about my eating disorder.

um. say what? can you repeat that please?

i stayed calm. i was fairly upset. not because people were talking about me. i've already learned that's going to happen no matter what i say or do. not like i'm an egomaniac, but i'm the kind of person that elicits gossip about themselves. i'm not an abrasive person parse, but i don't take any bullshit off anyone, i am up front, honest, sometimes too honest. i don't believe in being fake. if i don't like you i'm polite, i'm courteous, but i'm not going to ask you to be my friend on facebook & go out for drinks while thinking to myself "sheesh, this person is a tool." un-uh, totally not my style. yes, i know, why the fuck do i work in a corporate office. um, it pays me well & gives me good health insurance, which i really need. i also mostly like my job. i used to love it, now it's just mostly (like 97%).

so i tried asking my supervisor what they'd said to my manager (my sup's sup is the manager of our department so she's my manager....yeah, you do need a flow chart, & we actually have one at work). she couldn't tell me the context. i wanted to know exactly what was said, why it was said, & who said it. i have a meeting with my manager next week (interestingly enough on wednesday which is the year anniversary of my surgery). i know she won't tell me who went to her. & i can understand her not breaking that confidence. but i do want to find out what was said to her, why it was said, & the way it was said.

if someone is concerned about me they should come to my cube & see me. if they are saying i can't do my job because of my eating disorder then i need to get hr involved because it's discrimination. if someone is pissed off that i'm not ashamed of my eating disorder & hiding it then they can just piss off. if i had broken my leg, been in a car accident, had cancer, or just about anything else people would be sympathetic & not judgemental. it's not like i sign every email "thanks, beckah ps: do you know i have an eating disorder?" i don't wear a sign at work, it's not like i introduce myself at meetings by saying "hi, my name is beckah & i have an eating disorder." some people know because i've told them. my sister, jenn, steph, yadi, & crystal are the main people that i talk with about my eating disorder. but quite a few people do know. my goal is to change the world. change the way the world interacts with & treats people with eating disorders. & i can't very well do that by hiding in a corner too scared & ashamed to open my mouth.

one year later

2009-02-01T17:40:00.004-06:00

what a difference 366 little days can make! yes, i know there are 365 days in a year, but 2008 was a leap year, & since the extra day we get every four years is february 29th, one year ago today was 366 days ago. last year on february 1st i officially moved all of my stuff into my new place in plymouth. it was the first time since moving to minnesota on my 3rd birthday that i had lived anywhere other than in the city of st. paul. i had lived in different places, but all still within the legal boundaries of st. paul. i wasn't sure how i would like living in the suburbs since i was pretty much a die hard city girl. but i've adjusted & i actually like it most times. i think the thing i like most is my commute. it's super short. of course, when i have to go to the group home that's a different story, but i only work there every other weekend. so my main commute is less than 4 miles one way. i also really like the family that i rent from. they're awesome people & have really made me feel welcome. i have my own space, but they also invite me to all of their parties (ie new years, superbowl, or hey-it's wednesday night, let's party).

a year ago i was kinda seeing two different guys, neither of whom was very good for me at all. but then on may 1st i had my first date with E & we've been pretty much inseparable ever since (even when we can't physically be together because of work or whatever we're still inseparable, if that makes any sense). right now i'm kind of feeling like i've found my lobster. that still waits to be seen, of course, but i'm very content with my love life. i am so in love with him & feel so at peace in our relationship. not to say we haven't had our tough moments in the past nine months, because we have had some of those. but we actually talk, listen to each other, & figure it out together.

at this moment 366 days ago i was about a week & a half away from my gastric bypass surgery, i was also about to embark upon my liquid diet to prepare me for surgery, & i had no clue what was ahead of me. i weighed almost exactly 100 lbs more than i do right now. most of my belongings were still in boxes & i was trying to figure out how to get unpacked & settled in my apartment before i left for a week to stay at my parents' post surgery. i was also foolishly under the delusion that i'd only be off of work for 2 weeks & that my recovery would be smooth as silk on glass.

my only pets were my cats & dog at my parents' house. now i've got just a dog over at mom & dad's place, but my little apartment is a mini zoo with my two rats, my five ferrets, & occasionally (like this moment) E's four fuzzbutts. i wouldn't've been ready for pets right after moving in here, especially because i spent quite a bit of february & march laying on my couch moaning & hoping for an end to my nausea. but once i started feeling better my place felt lonely without a critter living here & sharing my space. & now, it's just right, very homey & full of love with the seven (sometimes eleven) other souls that share my humble abode.

i was also blissfully unaware of my eating disorder on 2-1-08. i say blissfully, however, i don't think there was much bliss in that. then again, if i had known then, & if my doctor's knew then, that i had an untreated eating disorder i never would have been approved for surgery. i would've had to go through therapy for that before HCMC would've even tried submitting to my insurance company for approval. maybe if i'd had treatment for my eating disorder i would've been able to lose the majority of my excess weight without surgery, but probably not. maybe my recovery would have been easier & i wouldn't've been so sick. then again, that's just a total guess in the dark.

in a way i'm happy things have turned out the way that they did. i do believe that major events in our lives happen the way that they do for a reason. i think that if i would not have gotten so sick after my surgery my eating disorder probably would not have come to light for a very long time. possibly years from now. like any underlying problem it would have surfaced. & maybe there would have been more damage. right now i don't really know how much damage i've done to myself. there are some issues that are concerning to me right now.

i feel like i'm still dehydrated. every day it's a struggle to drink water or crystal light & make sure that i'm getting enough hydration. each day i contemplate the fact that maybe i do need to go into a doctor's office & get an IV to get my body re-hydrated. i drink way too much caffeine, which doesn't help my cause because it dehydrates you. but it gives me energy to keep going every day. yes, it's false energy. i would be better off making sure to get enough food & water & start gradually working out to strengthen my body. drinking the vast amounts of espresso that i do is like putting band-aids on the cracks that appear in a dam. a very small very temporary fix that really, in the end, doesn't do a fucking bit of good. pretty sure i'm malnourished too. i'm making an effort to be better about taking my vitamins every day, but that's just one part of it.

all in all it's been a hell of a year. probably the most eventful of my life. i had no idea while it was all going on, but looking back on it i can see it now. i really wish i would've blogged more in the last year to keep a better track of my journey. in all of this that's my only real regret. i have my memories of the events of the past year. but memories are tricky, fickle, slippery little creatures. they are easily bent to the will of the one doing the remembering. & fact can easily turn to fiction with no malice or planning involved. but it's a very valuable lesson, & as i go forward in my recovery & work on writing a book about my experience i am doing better about living & writing in the moment so my memories are solid things based on my emotions & thoughts of that moment instead of the glossy edited version of events that tend to appear with time.

triggers

2009-02-01T00:31:00.005-06:00

i have come to realize that recovery is going to be so much harder than i realized. not like i thought it'd be a piece of cake (fuck...another food reference!)but i guess i was under the misconception that once i reached out for help it wouldn't be so tough. in a way the deeper i get into therapy the worse i get at times. right now, at this exact moment, the past few days/weeks, it's been rough. right now i don't want to blog, i don't want to work on my book, or do anything else that involves me being too social. i want to curl up inside myself, tell the world to kiss my ass & fuck off, & surround myself with my family, E, & my close friends. i really don't want anyone else to be around me.

when talking with anne last week (anne's my therapist) she said that part of what is going on with me right now is that i'm becoming more aware. i've had 24+ years living with my eating disorder & being completely blind to it & how it impacts my life. now that i've come to grips that i really DO have an eating disorder i'm able to see how it is there all the time. & because i'm so aware of my eating disorder right now it's really easy for me to be triggered.

this whole thing is kind of like an exorcism. my eating disorder is a demon that is living in me, controlling me, changing me into someone i don't want to be, hurting me. & now that i'm trying to take control of my life again it's fighting to stay. i have this battle of wills all the time. sometimes it's a second to second struggle to do what's right for ME not what my eating disorder wants. for all those x-files fans out there it's like the black oil episodes. my eating disorder is this parasite that is swimming in my body, once in a while others could see it flash across my eyes, just for a second, gone so quick they didn't know if it was there or not, but now, it's been caught & it's just a matter of totally pulling it's nasty little self out of me & locking it away in a glass jar.

one thing that i've really noticed is how much the rest of the world is really obsessed with food. it's not just me, it's not just obese people, it's not just people with eating disorders, it's the whole god-damn-fucking world! every single day at work my coworkers (the ones in the cubes right next to mine) make it tough for me to sit at my desk & work. they talk about being bad if they go to chipotle, but good if they go to jimmy john's. they're bad if they don't work out twice a day, but good if they do. it's ok to maybe have a piece of chocolate because of the extra 20 minutes on the treadmill they'll do that night. when i was in the store at work on friday afternoon this random woman started talking to me & saying she was trying to decide if she was going to be bad & have some chocolate or good & have some popcorn. & then she went off & i could hear her muttering about calories.

& then there's tv. unless i watch nothing but dvds i am literally bombarded with images of food & exercise programs & gym memberships & judgment regarding weight & food & how all of that reflects on individual character. & it's so easy to believe all of it. i think that every person (at least, every girl) who grows up fat somehow thinks that all of their problems are based on their weight. it's what the doctors tell us, it's what the movies tell us, tv, & sometimes even what the people around us tell us. right now my weight is at like 160-something. it was 162.2 this morning when i weighed in at home to be exact. i'm still overweight according to the bmi charts, but "normal" or "too thin" if you ask some of my family & friends. & i look at my flabby tummy, arms, thighs & then i see a commercial for the total gym, or nutrisystem, or jenny craig, or weight watchers, or anything like that & then the regular programming comes back on & everyone is thin & they seem so happy.

my eating disorder soaks up all of this & uses it as ammunition to whisper in my ear that i'm a bad person because i had some m&ms. but, it's also my eating disorder that nudges me to go graze & nibble when i'm stressed out. it's my eating disorder that says "it's a bad day at work, shit is rolling down hill with your name on it, let's go get some m&m's. let's see who has some candy at their desk." & sometimes i win the battle, but not all the time. it's pretty even steven right now.

my eating disorder is also the part of me that makes me nauseous when i try to eat at times. like this past wednesday morning. i was driving to work & felt really sad about cleo & i started feeling guilty that maybe i hadn't done everything that i could for her & that i hadn't spent enough time with her & i was a bad person because she was so sick & i didn't notice it. & then amongst the tears my eating disorder started picking at my brain telling me to skip breakfast. i'd feel better if i didn't eat anything. yes, i do realize this is counter-intuitive & that usually people feel like shit when they don't eat.

before my surgery i'd starve myself as punishment. when someone hurt me really bad it was easiest to starve myself & focus on the physical pain of hunger than to allow myself to feel the emotional pain. now starving myself doesn't give me the same satisfaction that it used to. i still don't feel hunger. it's fairly common after gastric bypass to have to "eat by the clock" for a while & not really feel hunger. a couple of times i thought i've felt hunger, but i haven't really. & that makes me happy. one of my biggest fears right now is feeling hungry. i feel like i've written this before in here. but, if i start to feel hunger again then it'll be harder to skip meals. i know that is totally my eating disorder talking. & it's hard to admit this, but i can't lie to myself any longer about anything.

in my journal i've started writing down some of the things that i'm not yet ready to admit on here. "what, beckah, has secrets? & is unwilling to air something? pish-posh that cannot be true." yes it is true. i still feel at times that opening myself up while i'm in therapy is a dangerous game. there's a part of me (is this my eating disorder or not?) that is afraid people are going to judge me. think that i'm weak. & then there's the fear that somehow this may prevent me from getting promoted at work. or that somehow someone at work will use this against me. i know that legally they can't because i'm protected against discrimination because of medical/mental health conditions (& this one straddles both arenas); but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared anyone. especially since i'm pretty much all about the self promotion. i pimp my blog to almost anyone that will stop & listen. & i'm even contemplating getting business cards with my name, my blog addy, & my gmail for my blog as self promotion.

& finally, a picture of me blogging (yes, i bite my fingers when i think. i don't chew my nails/bite my nails off, but i pull at my lips & bite my fingers. eating disorder related? maybe. maybe not. we'll see).

new pics of me

2009-01-27T20:56:00.006-06:00

here's some newer pics of me:

my eating disorder: my pet

2009-01-27T19:25:00.002-06:00

as i go through therapy at the emily program i learn more about myself, my eating disorder, & how i fit into the big bad world with all of this. & maybe it's cause i'm a gemini, maybe it's because i don't want to BE my eating disorder, but i've started to think of my eating disorder as something outside of myself. it's like it's a part of me, but it's also something outside of me. it's like this little gremlin that is always perched on my shoulder, hanging off my back in an invisible little baby back pack, always just there, in my life, whispering in my ear.

quite a bit of the time i'm able to control my eating disorder, my response to life, but sometimes i'll see it pop up & be very clear & present in my life. i guess it's a good thing that i'm becoming very conscious of when i am in control of my eating & when my eating disorder is in control. my eating disorder is not all about losing weight, much of it is really about food & how i interact/react to food. historically i've used food to reward myself & make myself feel better. but i've also used food, or rather, denying myself food, as a form of self punishment. sometimes it's easier for me to try to eat my emotions away, or starve myself, than feel emotions. it's easier to feel the pain of hunger than to feel sad, hurt, disappointed, ashamed, or any other emotion.

but, ironically enough, while before my eating disorder (before my surgery, before i even knew i had an eating disorder) was all about control now it is a bit about weight. before i used food to soothe & as a self injurious weapon. now body image & weight have become wrapped up in my eating disorder. just like my relationship with food has changed, so has my eating disorder. last week i was at work in the bathroom & feeling kind of bad about myself. my jeans have been a bit tight lately, a couple of my tshirts are tighter, & my weight has gone up about 5 lbs. so i had been beating myself up pretty bad. well, someone that i don't see very often at work told me that i was looked like i've lost some weight recently that she could really see it in my face. the part of me that is ashamed of my protruding bones & visible ribs & all the other "too thin parts" cringed, but, my eating disorder was just like a little puppy being given a biscuit. she sat up nice & tall & beamed & wagged her little tail & was so happy. & i felt nauseous. & i then went to my desk & ate some peanut m&ms.

i am convinced that i'm experiencing all of this for a reason. i am very grateful that my insurance is covering my therapy & that i have a job that allows me to leave early once a week to attend therapy sessions. this could be a lot worse for me. i am friends with someone who has a binge eating disorder & her family is not supportive & just makes her feel bad about herself. she won't even seek therapy because she feels she has no one to support her in that. i'm very lucky in that my family, my boyfriend, all my friends are very supportive of me & try to help me in anyway that they can.

this past weekend i started officially working on my book about my eating disorder. & yesterday at work i started going through emails from my mom. i decided that i'm going to include emails from her & from my friends & sister in my book. i don't want to BE my eating disorder, i'm so much more than that. but right now this is front & foremost in my life. & it's that way for a reason that i have yet to be able to identify. it's also important of me to be honest in all of this. i don't want to sugar coat anything. i don't want to shy away from anything tough or difficult. not everything will make it right away to my blog, but that's why i'm also keeping a journal. i'm also keeping a journal to make sure that my memories don't get shimmery. & by that i mean that i forget the hard stuff, or make things seem tougher than they were.

welcome to the new year! (scare tactics, gremlins, ghosts, & the scary stuff)

2009-01-19T00:17:00.004-06:00

welcome to the new year! despite the less than sunny subject line the new year has been pretty good for me. i rang in the new year at a house part at my place (luckily i wasn't hosting, the people upstairs were, so i didn't have any clean up or have to deal with any people in my actual place). it was about 3 hours into the new year & i'd been groped, received some indecent proposals, & an invitation for a threesome. so yeah, pretty much hit the ground running. since then it's been more craziness as i try to balance everything without dropping anything, most noticeably myself &/or my sanity.

for 23 days i had 9 ferrets so my life was pretty much insanity 24 hours a day. E was out of town for christmas & new years so i had my 5 fuzzbutts along with his 4 from december 18th through january 10th...technically i gave him his ferrets back on the 10th when he got back in town, but i'll say i had them through the 10th since i did have them most of that day. i will say though, my place does seem kind of a little bit empty without his ferrets here. but i do like the decrease in the amount of poop in the litter boxes & that i'm not always having to keep track of 9 ferrets, each of which is cunning & has 4 legs & can move a helluva a lot faster than me. for a while i felt like the count from sesame street "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . .1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . .1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . . ." i always had to count them at least three times once they were in the cage to be really really sure that i hadn't missed one of them after play time.

not even a month into the new year & i have had some scary moments. or, rather, scare tactics used on me. i'm still seeing my therapist every week for my eating disorder & then my nutritionist every other week. so the first wednesday of the year i saw both of them & within an hour & a half i had the crap scared out of me. my therapist told me that if i don't start eating again, really actually nourishing my body instead of the mindless eating bullshit, that it is a very real possibility that i could end up being put on a feeding tube. yeah, that does NOT sound like fun. i've worked with residents at the group home that have feeding tubes & even if it was a temporary tube through my nose instead of a g-tube or j-tube (both of which require surgery to place a port into the abdomen, the g-tube goes into the stomach & the j-tube goes directly into the intestines) it would not be good at all. i really don't want to end up needing a feeding tube. after my therapist i saw my nutritionist. she flipped through my food journal & talked with me & towards the end of the appointment told me that she's really surprised that i haven't had to be taken in & given IV fluids because i'm not taking in anywhere near enough fluids. i really wanted to cry when i left but i didn't because #1 it wouldn't change anything/help me #2 i knew they were both right #3 i didn't think i could spare the hydration that tears would generate.

i've been noticing that my eating disorder definitely cycles & i'll go through periods of not eating/restricting & then i'll swing back the other way & snack almost uncontrollably. neither of which is good for me because when i am eating a lot it isn't anything that is really redeeming. it's junk food that i know i shouldn't have, but in a way i almost feel unable to stop myself from eating it.

it's weird to know that i've been dealing with this since i was 7. my god, that is so fucking young! a friend of mine has a daughter that age & i look at her & i think she's so little & so innocent & that when i was her age i had a huge problem that i manged to keep from everyone & it scares the shit out of me for her. & i try not to obsess too much about this, or talk too much about it, because i'm sure the people around me are sick of hearing me obsess & whine about food, but right now this is what my life is revolving around. my life is my eating disorder, my fuzzies, & E. i have peripheral things that i deal with like money, work, the weather, cold/flu season, etc. . . but my life pretty much revolves around the first three that i listed.

i was out with my friend tina recently (i hadn't seen her since july) & i was telling her about my life/what's been going on & when i was talking about my eating disorder she said i talk about it like it's a real person. & it sometimes feels like it is a real person, or actually, more like an evil little gremlin that is always perched on my shoulder peering out & whispering in my ear. some days i do better & i can barely hear it & i'm OK, & other days it's really loud & insistent & i can barely hear myself think.

there are days i fight back. about a week or so ago i was at work & two of my coworkers were talking about going out to eat for lunch. & normally they'd invite me to go with them but my lunch was at a different time. so they were talking about heading to chipotle & they were debating if they should be "good" & go to jimmy john's or be "bad" & head to chipotle. i've been listening to talk about being good vs bad in relation to food a lot lately at work & all of a sudden something in me snapped & i interjected myself into their conversation & said "food isn't good or bad it just is!" & then they got super silent. awkward! it was a slightly crazy thing to say, but it felt good too. & i've had my bad days. like admitting to my therapist that i'm really afraid of feeling hunger again because if i feel hungry then it'll be harder for me to skip meals. or like last week at work when the supervisors gave us "nacho bar" for lunch i made my sister dish up first so that i could stick my finger in her cheese & try it because if the cheese tasted in anyway like peppers i wouldn't be able to eat it. (my therapist thinks my sister is really understanding & really nice because she let me do that....i'd totally do the same for her. she just doesn't care that much about peppery tasting cheese.)

it's been almost a year since my surgery & the past (nearly) twelve months have not been at all what i expected. then again, i'm not sure that i even knew what to expect after my surgery. i don't think that i did. i know i didn't. i went through the program at HCMC. i talked with people that had the surgery. i read websites & blogs. but i still feel like i went into the whole thing blind. i do not in anyway regret my surgery. i'd still do it again if i knew everything that would happen. right now eating & food is a really tough thing for me, it's the demon that's there every day: awake or asleep it's there. but i'm also now dealing with a problem that has been an underlying issue in my life for over 3/4 of my life. & it does feel good to know that i'm taking positive steps towards healing. & that i'm dealing with this now so that i don't pass down my food issues to my kids.

but, back on track. back to blogging. still juggling.

& something mellow

2008-12-11T18:10:00.003-06:00

here's a short musical interlude. something mellow & relaxing. E sent me the link. i sure love that boy.

& where the eff have you been lil missy?

2008-12-09T20:04:00.003-06:00

i have no clue where november went. really, it flew by. not halloween weekend, but the weekend before E & i went on a mini vaca to duluth. then the next weekend my good friend april got married in hinckley & i was given the honor of being in the wedding so i spent the weekend out of town. since getting back to plymouth on november 2nd time has just flown by. my life has just been crazy & seems to be one crisis after another.

things at work have been crazy busy. there's also been a ton of BS at work that has been super stressing me out. may i just take a moment to say: i thought i left all the gossip, rumors, & childish cliques back in high school. oh, wait, no, it is STILL going on. pity that grown ups have to act so juvenile. the work shit doesn't deserve any more of my time or any more of my blog than this one paragraph, but it has really made me think of the trajectory of my life & what i really want to be able to say i did with my life when my last breath is drawn. & i have no room for pettyness & other people's egos in my life. it's completely undeserving of my attention.

there's been some family stuff going on, & since it's not really my issue i don't feel the right to air it in public, but it is amazing how much worrying about someone else can suck up your time, energy & strength. next week, wednesday, is going to be the culmination of all of this. so i do ask, please think good thoughts for me, if you pray, please say a prayer that everything goes well for my loved one.

& the weight loss? well, i struggle with it. i am still not working out. but i did order some stuff from amazon, some new exercises videos that i'm really psyched about. once i try them out i'll put up their info, some links, & do some reviews. i'm sure the fuzzies won't be happy having to stay in their cage while i work out, but i need to do it for me & they'll be ok. they really are spoiled little ones, i will admit. i've been going to my weekly therapy visits religiously. in a way it's been really difficult because i'm discovering just how deep a problem i have with food. & i think that this really may wind up being a life long struggle. i don't want to struggle, i don't want to obsess about food, but i find myself doing so.

last time i stepped on my scale i weighed 160. which is great, it's fabulous. it means since my highest weight ever i've lost 163 lbs, i mean, incredible, right? i've lost more weight than i currently weigh. & i'm still so unhappy about where i'm at. & i look in the mirror & all i see is fat. & i hate myself for saying that because i know i've come a long way & it does make me feel like an ungrateful brat. & it's not like i think thin equals happy because i know that's not true. but i'm still so unhappy with my body & the way i feel that i look to other people.

at target sunday evening i bought myself some new jammies. a two piece flannel bottoms & 3/4 length tshirt set & then a pair of footie jammies like when i was a kid. i picked out a large in the two piece set, but then the footies my choices were small, medium, and double extra large. i knew i didn't wear a 2XL. i picked up the medium, looked at them, i was doubtful, but decided i'd try them. i also decided to go for broke & swapped out the large in the two piece for a medium. i got them home & tried them on expecting them to not fit at all & i was gobsmacked that they both fit. they were roomy even. i kind of wonder if maybe a small would've fit. & at the same time i'm kicking myself that i'm not in a small right now. i keep thinking if i would've been working out all these last months i'd be so much better off.

i know it sounds unhealthy. & it is. i'm not even going to try to pretend it's normal. but i'm trying. & the emily program has been wonderful for me. my therapist is great. my nutritionist is really great. all the staff there are super nice & so are all of the other patients that i've encountered. what i will say is that if there is anyone out there reading this that has an eating disorder or struggles in anyway with food issues/body image: please talk to someone, please get help. there is help out there. the emily program has really saved my life. i'm not recovered yet, but i know that with the help that i've gotten, & i'll continue to get, that i can really & honestly beat my eating disorder.

how to fit in at any church

2008-10-29T02:06:00.003-05:00

this is super cute. it was left as a comment on my myspace page by josey (she was podo & doodle's mom before i adopted them). wait for the ferret part. for heathens such as myself this contains great tips. i'll leave my python & sandwich board at home next time i roll into church.

too damn cute

2008-10-15T01:39:00.001-05:00

these aren't my fuzzies, a friend sent me this as a hyperlink, but this is too damn cute not to post it.

more animals

slumber party

2008-10-05T22:54:00.003-05:00

friday night E came over complete with a small animal carrier containing all four of his ferrets. since i'll be taking care of his kids for him over christmas it seemed like a good idea to get all the kids used to spending time, including cage time, together. for anyone who has been at my apartment it's not very big, it's actually pretty small. i mean, my bedroom is HUGE, but it's definitely a small space. so it was complete chaos when we let his four kids & my five run loose. there were ferrets all over, wrestling, getting into stuff, you name it & they were doing it!

we actually had plans for dinner with april, dave, & alli. so he got to my place, we piled his kids into the cage with mine & took off. i was kind of nervous about leaving the nine of them in the cage together unsupervised while we were out, but E wasn't nervous so i trusted him & decided not to worry about it. all of our kids had met before, & mine were asleep & his were ready for another nap, so there was a good chance that they'd all just curl up & pass out, as ferrets are prone to do.

dinner went well & we arrived back at my place to a cage full of kids ready to run & tumble across my carpet. (!2 `1b90fggg7y=ooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii) the typing in parenthesis is from nyddah in response to hanging out with E's kids; she didn't put the parenthesis in, i did, but i'm sure pretty soon she'll be doing that on her own too; but, she did manage an exlamation point which is a two key manuver. i think she's trying to learn to read, i keep catching her with my books & she stole my stapler the other day. i left my lappy for one moment to check on podo & i turned around & nyddah was on my lappy putting in her furry two cents! one of these days i'll learn not to leave my lappy open when i have fuzzbutts on the loose.

but, back to the tale of 9 carpet sharks & two humans. overall things went well. cass kept getting in over his head with E's girls. i had to "rescue" him from moxie a few times & lily. he's used to wrestling with my kids who are no where near as rough & tumble as E's kids. i think the next time they all hang out i'm going to watch him with E's kids, but not "rescue" him as much. he really does need to learn that if he's going to pick a fight with another fuzzy that he needs to be able to hold his own.

E & i had just cuddled up under the covers to go to sleep for the night & there was a high pitched scream from my living room. i was out of bed & next to the cage in a flash. his girl lily was on top of cass biting the hell out of his ear....even though cass had been asleep before that. i checked the situation out, she seemed to be calming down, so i went & got back in bed telling E what happened. a second later a louder longer scream. lily was chomping on cass again. unfortunately E's kids wound up spending the night in cass & sun's old cage (the starter cage they were living in when i first got them). that cage is impossibly tiny, but it was only for one night. when his kids come to stay with me i'll set up my other ferret cage, the one i used to have for my ratties. it has three platforms & is about two & a half times the size of the starter cage. i'm hoping by then that all the kids will be able to get along & sleep in the cage together, but for the first few days E's kids may be sleeping in there while i'm at work just for my own piece of mind.

my kids are also very neat & meticulous compared to his. my kids use their litter box while in the cage 100% of the time. cass used to have problems with that until i got podo & doodle. somehow having those other two fuzzies around taught him how to use the litter. i'll admit my kids sometimes don't use the litter box when out of their cage....they have a nasty habit of getting right next to the box, looking at me, lifting their little tails & pooping right next to the box. his kids don't always go in the pan when in the cage, i had to clean up some poopies on the bottom of the cage (which is obnoxious beyond belief). hopefully living with doodle would help them with that! i'm pretty sure he's the one that kicked cass' butt!

everyone survived the first slumber party without any real incident's. all the fuzzies seemed to have fun playing with each other. hopefully we'll be able to do this another couple times before christmas. although, E can't make it to april & dave's wedding so he may be ferret sitting for me. i was going to ask my brother to stay here, but maybe it would be a good idea for him to take my kids for two days to get all the carpet sharks more used to hanging out. during that time my kids would have their "smaller" cage to stay in. it'll be super small, but only temporary, & they all need to learn how to play & interact before they're roommates for two weeks.

i wanted to get some pics of the whole gang at my place, but i never managed to get my camera out. so the next time they hang out here i'll get some photos. despite the poop issues, cass' social interaction problems, & the fact that i was constantly counting under my breath 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 i had a really good time spending the night with E & having his kids over. so hopefully we can do it a lot more.

thought of the week: september 14-20

2008-09-18T23:23:00.004-05:00

he's just a boy and i'm just a girl, can i make it anymore obvious? we are in love, haven't you heard how we rock each others world!
~avril lavigne sk8r boi

i haven't mentioned E much on here except in passing; but he's simply fabulous. it's been almost five months that we've been together & it seems like so much longer in one way, & in another i can't believe it's been that long. our first date was on may 1st, which is actually really nice because it makes it easy to remember & figure out. within the first seven days of our first meeting in person we'd been on five dates & we were pretty much inseparable; but not in that creepy ew-that-couple-is-wearing-matching-sweatpants-set way.

things have been kind of tough at times. he's been really busy with work. because he does freelance work summer is his busy season, so we usually only get to see each other once a week. back in the middle of the summer there was a time where we went ten days, two weeks, something like that between seeing each other. & then he's had to spend quite a few weekends working: going to conventions & things like that. even though E has been really busy he makes time for me. we chat almost everyday online, or we'll talk on the phone.

just like tonight. he had to finish a project for a freelance project, & get ready to head up to duluth for the weekend for a different project, but he & i went to dinner & then hung out at his place watching total drama island & south park so we could spend just a bit of time together. sometimes on the weekends that i work at the group home we'll hang out & watch tv for a bit after i get done with work.

it's all those little things he does that show me that he loves me. there's so many little things that i can't even list them all out. he's been really wonderful over the time we've been seeing each other. & there have been some tough times. his ferret sophie got sick & had to be put down. there was my second surgery. & now my eating disorder. but none of it has been a source of stress for us, we've been getting through all of it together.

so yeah, we are in love & we totally rock each others' worlds.

hard questions & harder answers

2008-09-14T00:48:00.005-05:00

i saw my grandma today for the first time since, um, sometime in july. the last time i saw her was at a family potluck at my aunt's house, so it's been a good month & a half to two months. she couldn't believe how much weight i've lost. in the beginning after my surgery that was a really good thing, a thrill, when people would tell me how much weight i've lost. now it's a mixed bag. i looked at my mom when my grandma commented on how skinny i'm getting. her face reflected what i was feeling. it was meant as a compliment, & my grandma doesn't know about what i've been struggling with lately, so i can't fault her for it, but even though the comment on my weight was meant as a compliment, it makes me uncomfortable now when people mention it. but i still smile & take it as a good comment.

my grandma asked me when i'd stop losing weight. i honestly don't know so i told her my weight would probably level out very soon. she also asked me what would happen if i didn't stop losing weight. & i really don't know. i know that there are some people, not many at all, but a few, that after bariatric surgery can't stop losing weight & have to be medically managed so they don't get sick. i think it's still too early to determine if that's going to be the case with me. what i do know is that there are certain areas of my body that are getting much too small.

the other day E & i were curled up talking at my apartment and he asked me how much i weighed, so i told him about 165, which was my weight that morning. he also asked me if i've been exercising & i admitted i haven't been (this is something i really miss & i want to get back to). & then he told me he's worried about me, that i'm getting too thin & he can feel my bones when he holds me. he said he thinks i'm losing muscle & he's worried about me. i know it was really tough for him to tell me that, & i'm glad he did, but it's still hard. i look in the mirror & my collarbones stick out, my shoulder blades stick out. no one else sees it, but my ribs are pretty visible under my skin & i can't sit on a hard surface for too long or it's really painful for me.

i was talking to this guys at work, nelson, who is a certified personal trainer & was working with me & some of the other QAs. his wife had bariatric surgery & he asks me how i'm doing every time i see him. i told him about the eating problems & some of the other stuff & he said it sounds like i'm losing muscle, the same thing that E said. the only way for me to recover that is to start working out again, but i'm also almost scared to do that because if i don't get enough calories in, & especially enough protein in, i'm just going to burn more muscle.

as much as i try to get enough food, the right kinds of food, i know that i'm malnourished. i take my vitamins, i'm pretty good about that most of the time, i try to make "good" choices. but it is so fucking hard. i still can't always digest everything well, or i'll eat something & it'll make me sick, or i'll eat something & i have to stop after two or three bites because if i put one more morsel in my mouth i'll spit everything up. i really do kinda wish i could just have milk & not deal with food.

my mom & i were talking about the emily program & i told her that even though i didn't want to admit i needed help i'm glad i did it now instead of waiting until december. i also told her that i felt like if i had waited until after i saw christine in december that i may have been sick enough to have to go to an inpatient program. & then my mom said what i had been thinking, but didn't want to say aloud because i didn't want to be overly melodramatic. she said she didn't think i would've been able to make it to december.

i was at ragstock with steph thursday night getting some new clothes. while in the dressing room i had a really scary moment. i looked in the mirror & i didn't recognize myself. my face & neck & shoulders all looked too thin. & then in the same moment i told myself that i needed to lose weight that i was really too big, that my thighs, tummy, calves, & upper arms were just unacceptable. it scared me. no one would argue that i do have those flabby parts, but i do think there are several people who would argue that i really don't need to lose anymore weight.

my grandma asked me if i would be ok not losing anymore weight. my honest reaction to that is no. i want to be under 150. i need to get as far away from 200lbs as possible. i don't want to be overweight, even by a little. in order for my bmi to be in the "normal" range i need to be 145 or less, so i still have twenty pounds to lose. when i say things like that my mom gets really mad & talks about the "damn unreasonable insurance charts." & maybe she's right. maybe losing that much more is unreasonable, but maybe not.

i've been talking about this with my close friends, my mom, & E, but it's still hard at times. it kind of seems like every day is a bit more of a struggle. i was at my parents' house tonight & i got so sick that i passed out for a couple of hours. they tried waking me up & i just couldn't wake up. i would come to just long enough to mutter a couple of words & then i was out again. maybe it was exhaustion, maybe it was worry, maybe it was more than that, i don't know. but it scared me, & it really scared my parents. they really didn't want me to even leave their house, but i had to get home to play with the fuzzies. i couldn't let my kids get cage crazy, they need their run time & their playtime with me...they're very social.

april was telling me that dave, her fiance, can't understand how i can deal with having five ferrets in addition to my two rats when i have so much else going on in my life. & i admit it seems like there is something insane about taking on that many fuzzies, especially when they need so much love, care, & attention. but they really are saving me in a way. i love my furry little ankle biters (very true in the case of podo & slightly true with cass & doodle). they keep me balanced. they keep me from overworking. my little guys love me completely & unconditionally & depend on me 100%....& that makes me work even harder to try to be healthy. my family & E support me & it's not like i discount all their love for me. & i care so much about them that i am working towards getting better for me & for them. but there's something else about having my kids that helps me out. maybe it's that while they look at me with concern in their little faces, mostly they just look at me with adoration & all they want is to play. there's something very relaxing about that.

just like the partridge family

2008-09-05T07:43:00.005-05:00

last night the kids & i went on a field trip for a playdate with E's ferrets. first off, i have SO much more respect now for everyone i know that has kids. i am cognisant of the fact that my ferrets, while they are my kids, are not actual babies (i haven't gone THAT far around the bend). however, it took a lot of work to get them out of the house. while i was packing their stuff i woke them up, but left them in their cage, hoping they'd use the bathroom before we got going....just like my mom! she STILL asks me if i've gone to the bathroom before we leave for shopping. old habits, right? i had to get their travel cage ready. instead of a cat carrier or medium dog carrier i actually have a CAGE cage for the five to travel in. it's the starter ferret cage that i got with cass & sun. i have two hammocks hanging in it for them, there's room for one of their small litter pans, & of course there's a food dish. i do need to get a small water bottle for the cage too. in addition to trying to get five ferrets to use the litter pan i also had to pack a bag with some of their toys & their treats.

i put the kids into the travel cage one at a time...they were not at all happy. it was our first field trip. for cass & sun they'd been in the small carrier to come home & then go to the vet. same with nyddah. podo & doodle had just been in a carrier to come to my place. so they haven't had a lot of fun times when being put in a small space & then into a car. after all that it was then time to get me, my purse, my laptop backpack, the kids' "diaper bag", & the kids into the car.
yes, it took two trips from the house to the car. luckily for me when i got to E's house he carried in the cage for me so i just had all the other stuff & our dinner to contend with.

for anyone contemplating getting ferrets i want to say, the more you get in one room the craftier they get. i swear nyddah & podo both became much more naughty & mischievous when i got them out of the cage & playing with E's four ferrets. but, the fun part is all their individual personalities start to show too. yesterday podo showed us that she is actually part monkey & that she'd a damn stubborn little fert. she managed to climb E's "ferret proof" gate & get out of the play area twice successfully. & then for a while i just stood next to the gate while she climbed up to the top, i picked her up, put her back, & we'd repeat the whole process again. i'm proud of myself that my will was stronger than the ferret's. nyddah is just crazy smart, a little bit more of a monkey than i knew, & i think part sugar glider because she was jumping from furniture to furniture.

the line up last night was: nyddah, podo, cassidy, sundance, doodle, sue, moxie, jack, & lily. E's little girls sue & lily look a bit similar to my girls. sue is darker all over so there's no real way she could be confused with my girls. lily is a bit lighter like mine, but on her front paws the tips of her toes are very light, almost like she has a little fuzzy french manicure. i knew cass was a big boy, but seeing him next to E's ferrets was really eye opening. E's roomie di said he was the biggest ferret she had ever seen in her life. & then there's always the photographic proof: that is E's "big boy" jack on top of cassidy. they were wrestling & jack climbed on top of cass to try to get the upper hand. cass is a whole head longer than jack & weighs quite a bit more than him. although, even doodle & sun are bigger than jack....i guess i just have big ferrets. although, sun & doodle are pretty well proportioned. poor cassidy. he had a blast running & playing & wrestling with the other ferrets, but he wasn't able to play in all the same places they were. he's just my chunky monkey & can't wriggle into all the small places the other kids can.

i've only been able to get a few "family" pictures of all five of my ferrets. one was when they were playing in the shower & the rest were when they were in their cage. i tried really hard to get a picture of all nine, but the best i could do was five. but, it does show the size difference between my guys & E's. cass is at the top horizontally, the really big guy, & sun is across the bottom horizontally. then from left to right it's jack, moxie, & either podo or nyddah (i honestly can't tell). lily & sue are the real tiny babies of the gang, but they're not in the pic. they are a smidgeon smaller than my girls. doodle is also conspicuously missing, but he's bigger than sun & smaller than cass.

all in all everyone had a good time. it was chaos, but slightly controlled chaos. E & i also came to the conclusion that no matter what a group of ferrets is technically called, it's really a riot. everywhere we looked there was a ferret climbing, chasing, or getting into something. but the kids had a good time. when it was time to put them back in their cages the only one that really fought it was doodle (i swear, that ferret has more energy than any two of the other ones.... he's like a ferret on speed). but even he settled down once he was back in the cage.

right away. when i was putting my kids away i saw we did have a few panic moments because we wrangled up jack, lily, moxie, doodle, & podonyddah was curled up in the cage in the hammock. that left cass, sun, & sue on the run. we found sun curled up in the bottom of the living room chair. i finally rechecked my cage & cass had crawled into the cage & had gone to sleep in the bottom corner in the crinkle tube which is why i didn't see him at first. so just sue was on the lamb. E, di, myself, & another roomie of their lp all looked. we looked under furniture, in cabinets, in bags, window sills....everywhere she could possibly be. E was getting pretty upset & she just was no where to be found. finally di asked if we were really sure she wasn't in the cage. i had put lily, jack, & moxie in the cage, but that didn't mean she wasn't there. i had originally missed cass & he's twice her size. E checked & she was curled up in the bottom pocket of a hammock totally hidden from view.

all in all it was a very successful outing. no one got lost, everyone had a great time, & it was an adventure for all parties involved. it did actually make me think of the partridge family & the lyrics to their theme song "we had a dream we'd go trav'lin' together we'd spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on somethin' always happens whenever we're together." the whole trip was kind of an adventure. i was just missing the obnoxious music & the bus that looks like it was painted during a bad lsd trip. i also want to know, do five ferrets & a human count as a carpool? cause i really wanted to justify using the carpool lane last night. it's me & my kids. the highway patrol would have to agree if i was stopped, right? but, i think E & i will get the kids together again sometime. maybe next time he'll bring his four to my place. we'll see what happens. & hopefully i'll be able to be quicker on the draw with the camera.

a ferret blog?

2008-09-01T21:37:00.004-05:00

E was over the other day & doing some stuff on my comp. he checked my blog & said "baby, your blog is all about ferrets!" i wanted to argue that it wasn't true, but i kind of thought about it & realized that he was right. i do blog about my "kids" quite a bit. but they're a big part of my life right now. they keep me busy & they are just so damn cute, how can i not take pics of them & blog about them?

a few weeks ago i was talking to my friend sinead & i said something about blogging/talking about my ferrets so much (this was before i got podo & doodle, & possibly even before i got nyddah). & she said it only makes sense that i would talk about them so much because they're an important part of my life. she was also saying that her blogging topics/habits changed when she had her son, fionn, because her life had changed.

my life is composed of seven main things: family, E, friends, work, my "kids" (the ratties & the ferrets), my food issues, & writing. while my family is very important to me i don't always mention them on my blog & rarely put their pictures up because i don't want to invade their privacy by putting them on here. because of his work E remains only E on here, although there may be more stories to come, we'll see. i also try to respect my friends' privacy. the friends that have blogs i will link on here, & of course i mention other ones like steph & jenn, both of whom are aware of their blog-famy. work is, well, work, who wants to read about it? i get money from it, occasionally some funny stories, but mainly it just takes up 40 hours of my life every week, 56 on the weeks i work at the group home. while i've been working on my thesis & my writing, i don't necessarily put it on here because i'm not at the point where i'm ready to just put all my writing on my blog, so i don't want to talk about it too much without putting anything up...that's just not fair to my readers.

this leaves the kids & my food issues. now that i've come out of the pantry about my food issues (yes, you all can laugh, that was funny & macabre at the same time).... so now that i'm out of the pantry i'll be writing about that more often. & i put up lots of stuff about my kids. i actually have quite a few pics of the kids that i want to get up here. today was bath day for the five of them.....which deserves a blog of its own to cover the pics & the full story. there is also the totally random stuff in my life that will also make its way onto my blog (like the state fair adventure i had with steph yesterday, that blog will be written & posted fairly soon too....also with pictures. although, not all the pictures that could have been...more on that too).

i will say that i handle the ferret stories with the same humor & irreverent attitude that i show to the rest of life in general (even if that is slightly egotistical of me...but anyone who knows me or has read even a smidgen of this blog knows i'm semi egotistical in a completely charming & endearing way), so hopefully it's amusing, even to those who aren't as into the little carpet sharks as myself. but, hopefully i'm getting some new ferret fans out there. they are just too damn cute & so full of personality.

the patty duke show & my three sons

2008-08-30T10:04:00.008-05:00

it's interesting how many tv shows, current & past, seem to sum up my life with the five carpet sharks. i'd include the ratties in this, but they don't really seem to relate as well to sitcom comparison. while showering this morning i realized my life is kind of like if the patty duke show was combined with my three sons....& then put on ecstasy. for those of you unfamiliar with these shows they're both pretty old, as in they were in reruns when i was a kid. my three sons started out in black & white and then later moved to color. the patty duke show was also in black & white; & i believe that one was in black & white for the entire series run.

the patty duke show is based on the premise of two cousins, who are identical, living together. the one, patty, has lived in NY all her life, her globe trotting cousin, cathy, winds up being sent to live with cathy & her family. all in all it's pretty hokey, but kind of funny at the same time. the best part was the theme song: ".....they're cousins, identical cousins all the way; one pair of matching bookends, different as night and day....." & even though my little girls are not at all blood related, they really are almost identical in looks. their similar looks can make things difficult, but i have a few tips & tricks to tell them apart & i'm gathering more as time goes on. besides the ear tattoos podo is slightly lighter in color. that trick only works when they're standing next to each other. podo's nose has a very slight brown ring around it, like eye liner on her nose. the most telling characteristic i've discovered though is when the girls are running around podo's tail is bent to her left at almost a 90 degree angle. it looks sort of like maybe she broke it when she was a kit & it never healed right. also, if a girl is biting me or climbing on something she shouldn't be on, it's most likely podo. she is a first class little monkey. we're working on the biting issue still. that'll take some time, but i'm confident i can get her to stop. luckily her former parents gave me a copy of ferrets for dummies, i had borrowed E's copy & read it, but it's a great book to keep around to reference.

while i can tell the two girls apart in person i'm still struggling in pictures. although, podo still spends a lot of her sleeping time cuddled up with doodle. she likes the other boys, but my guess is she still feels more comfortable with doodle since they've been together for a while now. & nyddah still considers sundance to be her BFF (best friend forever). so nine times out of ten if i see sun in the cuddle cup or a hammock with another ferret it's nyddah. in the picture below podo is in the front & nyddah is in the back. the only reason i know is right after i took the picture the girls woke up & i checked which was which....yeah, cheating, i know.

as for the my three sons reference, all the boys love playing & chasing each other....& they're my furkids, so i have three sons. often doodle & cass will start tumbling & chasing each other & then sun will join in the fray....or any combination of that. they play with the girls too, but i think the boys like to be a bit more aggressive in their play so when they really want to get energetic they chase down another boy instead of one of their sisters.
i really enjoy having all of my kids & i'm so glad that podo & doodle's former mom emailed me. they haven't even been mine a full week & i can't imagine my life without them. they've really rounded out my little family. yeah, they can be mischievous at times & kind of naughty, but in an adorable way. & with the stress of my health & the stress at work & with thesis (& then there's some stuff going on with my parents) the kids really make me smile & make my life so much fuller. it is also IMPOSSIBLE to be unhappy or sulky when watching ferrets run around. a dooking ferret is one of the cutest things on earth & definitely giggle inducing. btw, dook does not mean poop or anything feces related. dooking is when ferrets make the little chirping/clucking/ferrety giggle noise they make when playing. i have a video of cassidy & doodle wrestling complete with lots of dooking, i'll get it up here pretty soon. oddly enough, even though he's deaf, doodle is my loudest dooker.

while the ratties are not being features as heavily in my blog lately, i did want to mention that while they seemed very wary of sundance & cassidy, & indifferent to nyddah, the boys seem to have taken a shine to doodle. it makes me happy. i was kind of worried because the first night doodle was here i caught him climbing the side of the rat cage. i did try to get a picture of it, but i wasn't fast enough on the draw. whenever he's out he always goes over to say hi to the ratties. when the other ferts get close to the rat cage anthony & leif act nervous, they run around & chew/claw at the bars a little. i'm honestly not sure what that's about. but when doodle goes up to the cage they meet him at the bars & check him out. the three boys kind of sniff at each other. maybe the other ferrets have hunting more on their mind & doodle is more into possibly just playing with the boys & they can sense that. doodle also kind of looks like a big rat himself. looking at him, if you're familiar with ferrets he is obviously a fuzzbutt & not another kind of animal, but his body also really makes him look like a HUGE rat, so maybe the boys think he's just a really BIG brother? he does look a bit like an ROUS (rodent of unusual size) compared to leif....& isn't it cute how they're sniffing each other out? like saying "hey buddy, what's up on your side of the bars?"

sundance's you tube debut

2008-08-30T02:22:00.003-05:00

monday night when i brought home podo & doodle i put the dishes in the cage that their former parents gave me. the kids were used to drinking water out of a dish instead of a bottle & since i didn't have any dishes to attach to the sides of the cage they let me take the dishes. i didn't want my new fuzzbutts to get dehydrated so i attached the dishes to the cage & filled them with water. what i didn't consider was how my other fuzzbutts would react. cassidy & nyddah took them in, kind of checked them out a bit, & then had a drink. sundance on the other hand, well, let's just say in 2012 he may be giving michael phelps a run for his money.

getting ready to meet emily

2008-08-29T22:43:00.005-05:00

yesterday morning i wasn't feeling well when i woke up, so i emailed my team at work & told them i'd be a bit late & then let the kids run while i tried to get control of my nausea & start feeling well enough to actually get on the road & get to work. i hate getting to work late. i really like getting in by 7am so that i can get my evaluations done early when the call center is still quiet. i'm not typically someone that needs silence to work. all through high school & college i needed some music on, or the tv in the background, to work. i couldn't have dead silence. & even when i'm working on my novel i'll put movies in my dvd player & let them run, but when working on call evaluations i need less distractions. i will put my ipod in my player & have it going on low, but there's something about the buzz of the call center that just drives me crazy when i'm trying to do evals, which isn't fair to the reps.

anyway. so i was sitting on my couch chatting on ichat with my friend jonathan & contemplating dry heaving when my phone rang. it was the emily program. so while i hate going in late because then i stay late & i feel like i'm letting someone down (even though my work is really understanding about my health issues & required dr appointments) it was sorta divine providence that i was at home. as soon as i saw the number show on my phone i knew it was the emily program. i'm not sure how i knew that, but i did. if i was at work i would've probably ignored the call. that is NOT a call i wanted to take at work, even if i would've been able to pop into an enclave (we have all these small rooms that can be used for impromptu small meetings or if you need to make a personal call).

because i was sick i was able to talk to a very nice lady from the emily program, i *think* her name was jesse, or lesley, or something like that. i didn't write it down & i forgot to ask. but she did kind of an informal intake over the phone to find out which location i wanted to go to & what some of my specific needs may be so they could match me with the right person. luckily there's a location in st. louis park which isn't too far from my work or my apartment, & they do have someone there that specializes in bariatric patients. they also are contracted with my mental health vendor, which is nice.

my appointment is in a week & a half. in the mean time i'm going to do my best every day to handle things. i was texting steph tonight & telling her that i'm working on taking better care of myself. jenn busted me out earlier this week on the fact that now that i'm able to drink bubbles all she ever sees me with is a bottle of coke zero, which is true. she also asked me how often i'm eating out. & i knew i was eating out a lot, but it's one thing to know it & it's another to have someone else point it out to you. jenn has known quite a few people who have had bariatric surgery & she's also holding me accountable to the fact that i swore, & i mean by god SWORE i would not allow myself to gain the weight back....which does involve behavior changes. & i've been slipping on those. & as an aside, no wonder i've been so fucking nauseous, i haven't been getting enough water. hello mcfly? is anybody in there. think mcfly. THINK.

it all seems a bit like a dream kind of. it's unreal in a way. to think that i'm now, after having gastric bypass & losing this much weight, seeking treatment for an issue with food. although, to be completely honest with myself this is something i should've done ten years ago, or fifteen or more years ago. my problems with food started when i was very young. i was seven & i started secret eating. i would take the things that no one would miss. the things without wrappers. i'd make myself peanut butter & jelly sandwiches just coating the bread with much more of each than i needed.

seven is so young. i have a friend who has a daughter that is that age & i look at her & i can't believe that when i was that young i was starting down a very bad path. i know the question comes up, how can a seven year old steal food & eat it behind her parents' back? how is that possible? i can't speak to every child with a binge disorder, or every adult who previously suffered from one, but for me it was very easy. too fucking easy. my dad has always worked evenings mondays through wednesdays ever since i can remember & then during the day on the weekends. & my mom was in college & since my brother & sister & i were well behaved we were often left alone to play. my mom was always home, so we weren't neglected, but she would study upstairs & it was easy to get into the kitchen & take what i wanted without being observed.

things got even easier once we moved to our new house. i was in middle school & got home earlier than everyone, so i was left alone in the house. then when i was 15 or 16 i moved to the basement which was basically like giving a drug addict the keys to the narcotics cupboard. my parents have a shelf in the basement that holds the "extra" food. things like jam, jelly, crackers, frosting, soup, basically all of those non perishables. & because i lived down there i was often in charge of bringing the extras upstairs. i routinely kept food squirrelled away in the basement that no one knew about. my drug of choice for a while was jars of frosting & graham crackers. i don't think my parents ever realized how much of that food i personally consumed. & i lied to everyone.

when i was a teenager my doctor made me go to a program at the como health partners (group health at the time). it was a "comprehensive" program to help teens lose weight. i had to see a physical therapist, dietitian, & a psychologist. at the time i was very depressed, almost to the point of wanting to kill myself. i'd actually tried once before that & was considering a second attempt. but when they came on strong & tried to scare me into losing weight, i lied. i told the physical therapist i was doing more activity than i was. i told the dietitian what she wanted to hear. & the psychologist gave me some kind of assessment that was so easy to read through that i lied completely & no one ever challenged me on it.

there is a part of me that wishes my parents would have been more observant when i was young. i mean. for christ's sake, i was seven & i was binge eating. what the fuck?! all of this has been on my mind lately after looking at the emily program website. there's a link about identifying eating disorders; the list of things to look for if you suspect a loved one has a problem. & basically every single thing listed under binge disorder fit me to a T until i was in my early to mid 20's. after that i stopped binging. i never officially dealt with my issues, i just stopped binging.

where does that leave me? not a clue. i recognize i had a binging problem for many many years. & now, it's nearly the opposite. i'm not starving myself. but i really honestly would prefer to not deal with food. someone compared this to breaking up with someone i've been dating for 31 years. food used to be my friend, my comfort,the thing that gave me solace. & now it doesn't. i have difficulty eating. some things make me sick, or uncomfortable. things don't taste the same. it's like the betrayal of a long time lover.

but this time, when i'm asked. i will tell the truth. maybe part of growing up is allowing yourself to be vulnerable? i also have something now that i didn't have when i was 15 & going through all this. i have confidence in myself, i love myself now, i know that i have people that love me (i HAD people that loved me when i was 15, but i didn't believe it). i have a very strong support system right now, which is going to be invaluable to me as i deal with this.

i've also decided that i refuse to be ashamed or secretive about this (pretty sure i said this last time i blogged about this). so here it is, on my blog. i'm going to tell my mom this weekend. & my dad too....well, i think i am. it's hard to tell my parents my problems. i won't be using my blog to unload emotional baggage, but i'm going to be as upfront & honest about this as i have about every other thing in my life when putting it on my blog.

step 1

2008-08-27T20:18:00.003-05:00

today was my six month surgical follow up out at HCMC. the surgical follow ups aren't really anything too intensive. i go in, the nurse takes my blood pressure & asks me a bunch of questions: any changes to your medication? do you drink, smoke, or do drugs? do you feel safe at home? are you being threatened? (the last two they ask as one question, which i, being a cheeky girl pointed out, because if you answer yes, is that yes to the first, the last, or both? so i said "yes the the first & no to the last one") can you dress, feed, & care for yourself?.....i shit you not on the last one gang, i've really been asked that, several times in fact. then after all that i talk to the residents/interns/students....whatever they are. they ask me how i'm doing, any pain, yada yada yada.....then they tell dr. lederer what i said. he comes in, sees me for a minute or two, then bam, i'm out & on my way.

& that's how it went yesterday. i was in & out pretty quickly once i was taken back to the exam room. dr. lederer said i was doing really well, my weight is lower than they would have anticipated at this juncture. i'm down to 171.4 according to their scale (which tends to be 5-ish lbs off my home scale). so according to HCMC i've lost over 100 lbs since they first saw me in october 2006. my BMI is something like 29.3. which means i'm now officially overweight & not obese. go me! that is a nice feeling to have the doctor's office show that i'm just overweight & not obese. it's one thing to see it on my home scale, but another to see it there.

i've got my february follow up scheduled with dr. hartley already, so i probably won't be seeing dr. lederer again unless he happens to be in clinic when i'm there. i'm just about to the point where my visits to HCMC will be every year. except i will be seeing christine again in december. on the one hand i felt pretty good leaving HCMC, knowing that my weight loss itself is going really well, my abdominal pain is gone, & the surgeons are really pleased with my progress. but. when walking out of the building i admitted to myself that i do have a really big problem with food. & i need to deal with it now before it gets bad because i can tell it's getting more serious the more time that passes.

tonight i tried calling my mental health vendor. for my insurance the mental health is handled by a separate department. well, i tried calling at 5:30pm & they were closed. the hours are 8am-5pm m-f. yup, shut out. so then i tried calling the emily program just to see what i would have to do on that end to see someone. & no one answered. they were supposed to be open until 7pm. they had an answering machine/voicemail option, but i didn't know what i would say so i hung up. i called them again, still no answer. i waited & then around twenty til 7pm i called again & actually left a message this time. that voicemail was one of the single hardest things i've had to do. it's one thing for me to vocalize this to my friends, but admit it to someone else, i kind of felt physically ill afterwards.

this is all still pretty scary for me. i really don't want to be at this place. but, i also know that denying i have a problem with food would be completely idiotic of me. my friends have been a good support over the past week & a half. & the one thing i've really learned is that even though
this is something i kind of suspected about myself, i thought i'd been doing a good job of hiding it, but i was doing a crap job of that. guess i'm not as good a liar as i thought i was.

there hasn't been a single person that i've told that has been surprised. Z actually told me that if i would've denied it she would've slapped me. she's in the cube next to me at work & she said i do talk about food too much, i obsess about it...& i'm bad for her diet (i love the fact that my friends have dark humor, & i really mean that. laughter & the macabre is a good combo). jenn has been super fantastic too about listening to me. she's a very insightful & deep person. steph has also been great about letting me know that i can lean on her if i need to. she's been the one that i've been leaning on the most lately. i just hope one day i'll be able to return the favor to all of my friends that have been here for me through this entire thing. i feel i have a lot of debts to repay.

right now i'm really petrified. & while i'm not ashamed of all this, i'm not necessarily ready to shout it from the roof tops, even though i'm blogging about it. i've told my close friends (well, most of them, it's a hard thing to tell someone over email, though i did tell jenn & steph via text message), & i've told E, but i haven't told my parents yet. i haven't told my sisters or brother. & i have no clue how many of my friends from other parts of the country are going to find out via my blog. i do realize it's semi absurd to be reticent about telling my parents & siblings, yet put it out on a blog for any one with a computer & internet access to find. but it's kind of safer admitting it to strangers.

i really don't like this at all. i'm supposed to be the strong one. i'm the person that others can lean on when they need help. i don't want to be broken or weak or damaged. & that's how i feel right now: broken, damaged, weak. i want the emily program to call me back. but, then again, i almost want them to lose my voicemail. damn gemini mind. i want help, but i don't. i want to be able to do this on my own. & i don't want to have a problem at all. maybe it's normal. i don't know.

growing pains

2008-08-26T19:25:00.008-05:00

like with any new family there are bound to be growing pains; 24 hours into my new family dynamic & so far they're relatively small. all the kids are getting along pretty well. no one seems to be jealous, or overly put out, by the new additions. yesterday steph said ferrets seem almost like pack animals, the more the merrier. i'm not sure how true that is. ok, well, it may be true for the ferrets, but for their human companions. i'd need a heck of a lot more time at home to be able to take care of more than my little brood....or another set of hands. do they have ferret nannies?

between their run last night & their run this morning there were just a few little hiccups. podo & doodle each missed the litter box when they were out running last night. they went next to the litter boxes, but not in them. then again, cass & sun aren't always as good about using the litter box as i'd like...so far nyddah is the fuzzbutt that rocks the most in that department.

last night when they were in their cage & bedding down for the night podo decided to play "queer eye for the ferret guy" & redecorate the cage. by redecorate i mean she decided that all the food inside the dishes should be out of the dishes & on the floor. i'd been warned that doodle was a digger & liked to spill all of the food out of the dish & dig & play. yeah, not so much. he gave his sister a dirty look as she flung all of their food out of the dish & onto the floor.

there have also been some nipping/biting issues with podo. this morning she decided that i would taste good for breakfast & dug the claws of all four paws into my leg & chomped on me, but i just scruffed her & told her i was not breakfast. i then redirected her to ferret appropriate play with the toy basket & she bounced off on her merry way. this evening E & i were playing with the fuzzies while we were waiting for dinner to finish baking & podo once again decided that i'd be a good snack. while i was prepping the homemade pizza she attacked my bare feet; it didn't hurt much at all. the little peanut got scruffed again & then scampered off to play with a ferret. but, while the pizza was baking E & i were watching revenge of the sith & she was up on the couch with us, i was petting her & all of a sudden she was locked onto my right wrist & shaking her head & making like my wrist was a fellow ferret primed for wrestling. OW. double OW. i had a couple nice little divots from her fangs. E just kinda laughed at me & wished me luck on breaking her of the nipping (his boy that he adopted from the woodbury humane society was a biter).

but, nipping & potty issues aside, things are going really well. E thinks my kids are totally adorable. they do have a naughty streak when they're all together. i should've taken a picture of this because it was so adorable, but i was also trying to do some damage control. along with podo & doodle's other accessories i got a small bag of carefresh. it's a kind of litter/bedding that can be used for different small animals. it's actually what i use for the ratties as their litter when i clean out their cage. well it's fluffy & must feel fun on ferret paws because sundance had crawled up into the bag & was having a ball digging in the bag & tossing the litter out for the rest of the fuzzies to play with. he looked SO funny in the bag of litter because he was really stuffed into the bag.

it's really hard to get five active ferrets all in one picture. the closest i've been able to do is one of all five in the cage. i've got two. in the first one both girls are curled up in the hammock, one of them is half out of it on the right hand side, but i'll be damned if i can figure out from the picture which one....i think i'm going to start calling them the twins (i'd say mary kate & ashley if i didn't have such a strong aversion to the olson twins that it induced dry heaving). in the second one everyone is on the top level chilling out except for doodle who decided he needed a bio break. i really love my kids. they're sweethearts & keep me on my toes!

like the celebrities; only way cooler

2008-08-25T21:54:00.003-05:00

so my little ferret family was two for the longest time until about a week & a half ago when little nyddah joined the clan & the two became three. tonight, the three became five. they're all fixed & there weren't any baby ferrets born into the group. i got an email earlier today from a woman on craig's list who saw my update post about my kids asking me if i would be interested in adopting her two fuzzies, or if i knew someone who would be interested.

[quick aside: on craig's list someone was asking if people would post positive stories in the pets section, updates of sorts, of adoptions that went well. there are so many sad stories out there about abused animals or animals in shelters, they were hoping for some good news in the minneapolis pets section. i posted an ad about adopting my two boys & my little girl]

i wasn't planning on adopting anymore ferrets, i figured three was a great number. always someone to play with, but not too many so that i would be stressed taking care of the kids. it kept the boys on their toes having nyddah around, & she could play with both of them, or outrun/out-climb them both & laugh from above them. which, she actually did in her own way.

so when i got the request to adopt podo & doodle i really didn't think i would do it. i mean, they were adorable in their craig's list posting, but, then again, i have a total soft spot in my heart for fuzzbutts & i think they're all adorable. & a girl only has so many resources & so much time. interestingly enough i had saw their listing over the weekend & thought they were adorable & i did think to myself that if i hadn't've adopted my baby girl that i would've adopted podo & doodle. there was something about them that just resonated with me & i got the feeling the should've been my furkids.

basically i spent all day at work going back & forth if i should or shouldn't adopt these two (i really did do SOME work...helped train the new hires, answered some helpline calls, ya know, work stuff). just from the emails that i got from their human mom i knew she wouldn't let just anyone adopt them. she really wanted them to go to a home that would love & cherish them, which is why she reached out to me about her babies. i even called E to see what he thought of the idea. since he has four fuzzies of his own i figured he would have a good perspective. & even though he really loves ferrets he said he thought that a total of five ferrets would be too much for me & i should probably say no.

i was planning on saying no. i was really going to say my menagerie was pretty full as is. however, i kept looking at their pics, & the two looked like they belonged with my gang. so i agreed to meet the kids to see what they thought of me & to see what i thought of them. yeah, a sucker born every minute. i was sold before i even pulled into the driveway. steph & yadi both knew it (friends i work with). yadi actually told me that i'm the angelina jolie of the ferret world.....steph was pretty fucking amused by that; i'm not sure how to take it, if it's supposed to be a compliment or a slam, or a bit from column a & a bit from column b?

tonight i brought podo & doodle home to my cozy little place in plymouth. i set their carrier on the ground, i opened it up to let them explore. i opened my huge cage for cass, sun, & nyddah to come out on their own & investigate. all of the kids got along well with each other, not bickering or fights or anything. i was a bit reticent about how they would all get along because doodle is deaf. steph came over to meet the kids & she was telling me that it's just like with white cats. evidently a lot of white cats are deaf also. it does make me wonder a bit about cass & sun, sometimes they don't seem to hear me get up or come in the apartment when nyddah definitely does, then again, it could be just ferret selective hearing.

doodle doesn't look anything like my boys & his weight is somewhere between cass & sun, so a pretty good addition to the house. podo is pretty much identical to nyddah. & i mean, really really close. her fur is just the slightest bit lighter than nyddah's. but that may or may not help me a lot when looking at them from a distance. depending on the time of year & other factors a ferret's coat can change hues. the only thing i've really determined to be different is that nyddah's ear tattoos are closer to the outside of her ear & podo's are more towards her head. so that's kind of how i have to tell me apart until i get to know them really well & figure out the more subtle differences between the girls. i have a picture on my iphone of the two girls curled up together in the hammock & they really look like twins. i'll post it on here later.

in the mean time, i don't have a picture of all five kids together, but i do have a picture of podo, doodle, & nyddah. nyddah is the one in the bottom hammock, podo & doodle are in the top one. i'm sure i'll get some better pictures in the upcoming days. my camera died today, so the battery is recharging right now. i also have a hilarious video i posted to youtube that i'll put up here later this week.

update on lil nyddah

2008-08-21T06:22:00.007-05:00

i stayed up until almost midnight & then woke up twice during the night to check on her. i'm sure there are people out there, my mom would be one of them, that are thinking "it's just an animal." but she's not just an animal. she's a part of my family. it's a small little family here: me, two rats, & three ferrets, but it's cozy. & i love my babies to bits.

the first time i woke up, around 2:30, she was curled up asleep on the top level of the cage in an old pair of my biker shorts. i could tell she really still wasn't feeling well because she was all alone. by now i know that when she sleeps she likes to curl up with one of the boys. cass isn't a super huge cuddler, so it's usually her & sun in a ferret ball in one of the hammocks or the cuddle cup. i could tell the boys were worried about their sis because this is what i found when i looked for them:
i've seen them share the same hammock sometimes, but that's usually only when i find them passed out under their cage & put them in the hammock together. & yes, despite my worry i couldn't resist taking pictures of the kids.

i went back to sleep. but it was not in any way restful or refreshing. i actually wound up having a really terrifying nightmare that woke me up about 3:30-4am-ish & had me freaked out enough that i had to turn on the lights & double check that my apartment was locked & that i really was alone. i won't get into the details, but i will say that something that is possible is a whole lot fucking scarier than any monster that could ever walk through my dreams.

at 4:30am it was time for another nyddah check. this time she was curled up with BOTH boys in the cuddle cup, so i think she's feeling much better. well, that, along with the fact that right now she is running around the apartment. not with as much gusto as usual, but with more energy than she had last night. i'm really hopeful that by the the time i get home this afternoon my little girl will be back to her normal rambunctious remote stealing self.

being a momma's a tough gig

2008-08-20T21:22:00.004-05:00

nyddah's not feeling well. i took her in today for her vet check up. when you adopt an animal from the humane society you get a free exam from a vet & then if there are any meds needed you can pick them up from the humane society at no charge. luckily for me my vet is one of the ones that will do the free vet check up, so i took nyddah over to the greenbrier animal hospital today (they are really nice & have really great bedside manner for pet parents. i'd recommend them to anyone in need of a vet & they do take "exotic" animals!)

she was a lot more squirrelly than the boys when they went into the vet's office. she was also pretty agitated by the time we got there; she does not like being in the pet carrier. i think she was also worried she wouldn't be coming home. so in the future i'll be taking all three kids in the boys' ferret starter cage when i go to the vet. i don't want to cause my kids any more stress than necessary, & the boys were also freaked that nyddah disappeared for a while.

things didn't go as well at the vet appointment as i'd hoped. & poor nyddah was really poked & prodded. she had her ears swabbed because they were really dirty to check for ear mites (thank the gods she doesn't have those or i'd be treating three ferrets for ear mites!) she also received her rabies vaccine & her distemper booster (that was my cost of course, but well worth it to protect my girl). in addition to all of that she had a bump/cyst or something on her lower tummy kind of dark, almost black, in color. the vet asked me if i'd noticed it when i got nyddah on saturday & i honestly don't know if it was there or not. she's been such a ball of energy i haven't given her a super thorough body check.

when nyddah was at the shelter she had an abscess on her lower abdomen drained & she was put on antibiotics at the shelter, which she finished before i adopted her. my vet stuck a needle in the "cyst" & pulled some fluid from it, that looked almost like urine, but the tests that they ran showed it was not urine, but most likely an infection still. my vet faxed the info to the human society & i'll be picking up nyddah's meds tomorrow. she'll be on antibiotics for two weeks & then i'll have to bring her back to greenbrier for a follow up visit on september 8th.

nyddah seemed relieved to be home after all of this, but she was not herself by any means this evening. she was kind of lethargic & really mellow. i was holding her & giving her some cuddles, the boys were already tuckered out & back in their cage. she wanted to get down so i put her back in the cage too, she then promptly had yellow mucusy diarrhea on the cage floor. after that she crawled into the cuddle cup & fell asleep.

i am now officially freaked out. i called the emergency vet clinic & they said to watch her & if she has diarrhea again i should bring her in. ferrets are so tiny they can get dehydrated & super sick really really quickly. theoretically she should be fine if i fall asleep, but i'm worried about her. i don't have any history on her at all except that her previous owner gave her up because they "couldn't afford to care for her." there's something about her that tells me she's been through a lot & just needs a lot of love & someone to really care for her. & i've only had her less than a week but she is my kid & i totally love her.

my plan is to sleep on my couch tonight so i can be near her. i'm also going to try to wake up 4-5 times during the night to check on her, see how she's doing & make sure she hasn't had diarrhea again. the boys know their sis isn't feeling well. they didn't try to rough house with her tonight & they're both asleep on the top level of the cage with her now. they're near her, but not close enough that they could accidentally hurt her. they adore her too. i took a picture of her not long before she went back in her cage tonight. just looking at her little face it's easy to tell my girl isn't feeling her best.

ferret update

2008-08-17T02:56:00.004-05:00

my baby girl is now named nyddah (pronounced knee-duh). it's close to her original name of nikka, so if she really did answer to nikka she should answer to nyddah. according to my baby name book (which i have NOT because i'm preggers, but because as a writer it's a must have....for me anyway), but, according to the baby book it is greek in origin & means elf like. it was the definition that solidified it for me. she really is very elf like: mischievous & quick & charming.

i also googled the word "nika" & what i found at urban dictionary made me decide she was not going to keep that name. i tried finding something that would fit with cassidy & sundance, but nothing seemed right. i looked up female outlaws. i even did research about women that were acquainted with the gang, but didn't like any of those names: etta, ethal, hazel, josie, maude, & laura were the ones i was able to dig up on wikipedia. but i think nyddah fits. in the baby book it was spelled "nida" but i changed the spelling because, well, i'm a bit of a fruitloop, & i have a thing for the letter "Y" & the letter "H." hence beckah instead of becca, too bad i can't get a "Y" in there.

which makes me think, why am i spelling it beckah instead of bekah? no clue. totally random, yes, i know. it's 3 am. i can't sleep. & i'm drinking coffee. randomness is abound. & it's the witching hour.

nyddah meet the world. world, meet nyddah. isn't she an adorable lil peanut?

intimate details part five: the writer six months out of bariatric surgery

2008-08-16T23:28:00.001-05:00

well boys & girls i'm officially six months out from my gastric bypass. well, to be technical six months and 5 days, but close enough. i haven't done a down & dirty update on that in a while, so it's about time for me to do that.

believe it or not the inappropriate/rude/way too personal questions still have not stopped. but, i almost decked someone for the first time in regards to this issue. when i decided to get surgery i knew i'd be in for a lot of questions & curiosity. i resigned myself to that & accepted it before i had the OK that my insurance would pay for it. the questions have pretty much died off. people still ask me how much weight i've lost, or how many sizes i've gone down. & that's ok with me. it's natural for people to want to know that. i also often get asked about my eating habits, what i can & can't have (look below for more on that). that's cool with me too.

what i'm not cool with is what happened to me on fourth of july, which also happens to be my best friend tina's birthday. i was over at her parents' house for her party, just like i've been doing since, oh, i don't know, i was like fifteen. i was wearing some capris & a tshirt. i was dressed for the weather. now, here's the thing. with such a rapid weight loss you get loose skin. it's a reality. & i was prepared for it. am i happy about it? fuck no! but, dealing with that for a while until i can get cosmetic surgery is most definitely worth the added years to my life & the increased quality of the years. i'm not stupid. i know my upper arms look like hell because they're really saggy & droopy from the loose skin. i'm not a moron. that being said: at tina's birthday party her aunt marie says to me: "so what are you doing about your arms?"

i almost punched her. really. it's a good thing that #1 i was about four feet away #2 i love tina too much to be banned from her party's for eternity (although, i think secretly most of her family would be cheering me on that i had done what everyone's wanted to do for years) & #3 a higher power basically stopped all motor functions in my body long enough for me to realize punching marie would solve nothing. who the fuck says that? i mean seriously. the woman is on the top of my shit list. & i'm really glad i won't have to see her until next july. maybe by then i'll have cooled off. {she also said some really nasty/inappropriate things to my sister at my nephew lucas' 1st birthday party which i had to skip because i was sick...my sister is a bloody SAINT for not knocking marie's block off at that party. but, mark my words, next july the gloves are off. so she better watch her mouth around me. cause if i don't hit her i'll at least cuss her out using language that'd make davy jones himself blush.}

enough about marie. she's socially inappropriate.

yesterday i had my six month follow up with my internal medicine doctor & my dietitian at HCMC. then on the 27th of august i'll be back in to see my bariatric surgeon. at the hospital they officially recorded my weight as 177.7; that means that i have a BMI of 30.0, a total weight loss since i started the program of 98.3 lbs, & an overall loss of 69% of my excess weight. not too shabby. i did make it a point of telling christine, my dietitian, that i think their scale is off because i was five pounds less when i weighed in at home that morning, and four pounds less two days before when i was at park nic to see my regular doctor. she said she's heard it a lot, but they calibrate the scale regularly & it's dead on. i chalk it up to a change in the gravitational pull on 8th street in downtown minneapolis.

my appointment with dr hartley (internal med) went well. my blood pressure is great. since the exploratory surgery i haven't had any of the sharp pains. so he took a six month picture of me, said to come back in february for my one year visit & sent me on my merry way. thankfully without any blood draws! i am getting better at having my blood drawn, but i'll never be a big donor, or, donor at all, to the red cross. & fuck if i'll ever sell plasma. much too queasy.

overall the appointment with christine went well. she wants me to take a B complex vitamin. she thinks it'll help with my energy levels. she also wants me to stop taking tums for my calcium & start taking a calcium citrate. i also need to be better about drinking my protein drinks & making sure that i get enough fluids, i'm still struggling with dehydration. it's really hard because even though i'm six months out of gastric bypass, i'm only nine weeks out of my second surgery. & the exploratory put me back to about square three. after that i had the nausea again, trouble eating, weakness...the whole kit 'n kaboodle.

i've been struggling since yesterday whether or not to blog about this next part. i've told a couple of my friends & sworn them each to secrecy on it. but i think i should blog about it. i'm really upfront in my blog about the most intimate details of my life, so why not this? when i was talking to christine i told her that i hate food. i hate dealing with it, thinking about it. basically everything. i also told her that by the time i had the gastric bypass surgery i had been fed up with dealing with food. she said it may be because i've been having such a rough go of it since the surgery, & then having to had a second surgery, my poor body has been through quite a bit in the last six months. some problems are expected.

but it also concerned her. it concerned her to the point that she asked me "am i going to have to refer you to an eating disorder program?" her tone was light when she said it, almost half joking, but there was a seriousness behind her eyes & the statement. i did protest that i didn't have an eating disorder. she then went on to tell me that it is fairly common for people post bariatric surgery to develop an eating disorder & it's nothing to be ashamed of. but, gang, the truth is, i've sorta wondered it myself. i've even kinda joked about it with my friends. but it's nothing to joke about at all.

if it was possible i would not deal with food at all. if i could just take some vitamins & drink some milk or a supplement with the right amount of calories i'd do that & stop thinking about food all together. i spend much too much time obsessing about food. & that's really the only way to describe it is obsess. part of it is a lot of things do make me sick. i don't handle chicken very well unless it is very moist. sometimes mashed potatoes don't digest well. & some days something i was able to eat the day before with no problem will make me sick as a dog. i can't have juice or anything with too much sugar. but i agonize about food. sometimes i'll get paralyzed just having to decide what i'm going to eat. i do enjoy cooking for E & going out to eat with him (& my family & friends). but i think that's about the socialization & not the eating.

is all this normal because of how hard my recovery has been? maybe it'll all even out over the next few months. i'm set to go back to see christine again in mid-december. she did give me some information on a program in the twin cities that is supposed to be good. it's called the emily program. she didn't refer me or even say that i need to go. but she gave me the information including the name of one of the doctors there that she's worked with.
she suggested that i think about it & maybe check it out. this is scary. it's fucking petrifying. but, i guess it's also maybe a good sign that i'm open to listen? that i'm brave enough to put it out here on my blog where anyone can find it (& i mean anyone, if my mom or other family members are nosy enough they can google my name & find this blog)?

my plan? i have no idea. well, not exactly no idea. i decided i'm going to start attending the monthly support group meetings at HCMC. when i go into work on monday i'm going to put it on the calendar that i need to leave by 3:30pm on the third wednesday of every month. then i won't have any excuse at all not to go. in addition to that i'm going to start paying more attention. what really is my relationship with food? do i hate it because things have been tough over the past few months, or is it something more than that? i know that i need more time to process all of this & figure out my next step. if i have a problem i want to get help now before it gets totally out of control. i've thought about waiting until december & see what happens. but i may not wait that long. i'm contemplating calling my mental health vendor next week to see what my outpatient benefits are, specifically if i need a referral & if my medical out of pocket applies to that. i mean, i have met my out of pocket for this year, so if i'm going to seek therapy i may as well do it now while i don't have to pay anything out of pocket instead of waiting til next year when it resets. (can you tell i work in health insurance? how many people did i just lose with that yammering?)

i've said it before & i'll continue saying it. gastric bypass has been the most challenging thing in my life. previously it was burning man. this has blown burning man out of the water. the question has been asked before & i know it'll be asked again now: do i regret the surgery? would i change it if i could? hell no. not in a million years. even with the pain, the nausea, the complications, the exploratory surgery....even with the possibility that i may now have an eating disorder, i wouldn't change it. everything happens for a reason. i'm a firm believer in that, even though that is a fucking tough pill to swallow sometimes. but, in my gut i absolutely know there is a greater purpose for why things have been the way they have been for me. i don't know it now, & i may never know it exactly.

maybe it'll help me write a better story.

intimate details part four: furkids & the writer

2008-08-16T22:51:00.017-05:00

things have been good with my "fur kids." actually, having my pets has made me a lot more conscientious about leaving work on time & not over working. except for june when i was just crazy busy & then had surgery. but i know that they need me to be around & interact with them, so it gets me home to spend that time.

the ratties still don't know what to think of the ferrets. i think on the one hand they're relieved because i'm not trying to take them out & play with them or trying to get them to use their huge exercise ball. anthony really loves running in his wheel, but i put him in the rat ball & he just won't move. it's like he doesn't make the connection. i know he's a smart little guy, just doesn't seem to want to run in the rat ball. which is kinda sad. johnny (my rat from four years ago) simply loved his rat ball. he'd run & run in that thing as long as i'd let him. leif & anthony are very fond of their cage, sometimes it's a struggle to get them to come out so i can clean it once a week. but i'm fastidious about making sure they have a clean cage, so they do get out.

while the rats appreciate the ferrets distracting me from trying to get them to come out & play, they do get kinda freaked when one of the ferrets gets too close to the cage. to be honest i'd be freaked too if someone that much bigger than me was standing next to my house & staring at me. & for some reason sundance has decided to test his limits & has walked across the top of the rat cage. *shakes my head* i did get the rats moved into a new cage last weekend. i had a big rat cage with 1/2 inch bar spacing at josh's house & finally got that back from him. so i feel a lot better because before the boys were able to get their entire head out of the top of the other cage, which was technically a chinchilla/ferret cage. lucky for me they didn't figure out that they could escape completely from that cage. now that would've been ugly. i'm sure i would've found them, but if they would've escaped my apartment & gotten outside, or into jane's house, well, i have no clue what could've happened then.

my ratties are a BIT pissed at me about the new cage because they can't climb the walls like they could in the other one because the third level of this cage goes all the way across the top except for the ramp area; they can only climb about 2/3 of the way up the wall before they have to stop. but the cage is a lot more secure & i'm able to get more hammocks & other hanging beds in there for them. it's also WAY easier to clean than the other one which i really love. if you look really close at the picture below you can see leif is in the hammock in the middle of the cage & you can kinda see anthony's white little butt sticking out of the wicker-ish hidey ball on the bottom level.

in ferret news: i made a trip to the golden valley humane society today. there was a little girl ferret who'd been there for about two months & she was meant to be mine. yes. i do now have FIVE pets. i'd like to note though, that the five of them, weight wise, only really add up to a small dog & they're all in cages. but i've been doing a lot of research & everything i've read has said with ferrets it's best to have them in groups of three or more. they are very social animals & if you have only two & one has to be put down the other one will get very depressed & most likely die of depression. if there are three (or more) they will still get depressed if one gets sick & passes, but they will still have another friend to keep them company. my boys are super young, only about eight or nine months old, but still, it's something that's been nagging at me.

my little girl's name is nikka, or, it is for the time being. i'm going to see if she actually answers to it, if she does then i'll keep it, otherwise i'm changing it, or at least the spelling, cause i just don't like it; it's the name she came with from the shelter. she was dropped off because her owner decided they didn't want to care for her anymore. which makes me sad because she's an utter sweetheart. the humane society didn't have tons of info on her, but they had some. she was in a home with other ferrets & cats & dogs, so she's used to other animals. she didn't live with children, which, i don't have any so that's not an issue. she's been fixed & is very friendly. unfortunately they don't know how old she is. when i take her into my vet i'm going to ask if there's anyway that they can guesstimate that.

the boys are getting used to their new sister. it's like three's company but instead of two girls & a boy it's two boys & a girl.....my kind of threesome! *winks* ok, well, my FAVORITE threesome would be me & a pint of ben & jerry's, but since i'm off the ice cream, well...(just joking by the way, unrelated note but E is more than enough for me, but, to quote Z "beckah can always be counted on for inappropriate sexual comments") all the kids have been running around & playing. when i put them back in the cage for the night nikka & sundance were even curled up in the lower hammock.

E has been telling me that i have it SO easy with my boys & they need lessons in being a true ferret. well, i think they're getting that now. nikka is such a little rascal! i've only had her about seven hours now & i've already had to pull off the baseboard under my kitchen cupboard to get her out, lift up my couch to retrieve her from a nap, & hunt down my cross pen after she looked me in the eye, picked it up in her mouth, & ran off with the damn thing. she also has SO much energy, she's even making sundance look like a lazy bum, which is making cassidy seem almost comatose.

she is super tiny in comparison to my boys. nikka is a mere 1.7 lbs; sundance is 2.9 & cassidy is 3.5, so she weighs half as much as cassidy but she's like ten times as much of a trouble maker! but she really stole my heart when i went to visit her in the shelter. i pulled her out of the cage & was petting her & she gave me kisses. lots & lots of kisses. & i knew instantly she'd be my third ferret & complete my little zoo. she is really tiny, i kinda think a bit too small. she's a bit bony & her coat is rough. then again, if i'd been living in a shelter i'd look kinda rough also. but i know with lots of TLC she'll start feeling better & looking better. i also have a high cal ferret vitamin supplement i can give her. & so far she likes treats. it's also going to help her to be in a real home where she gets to run & play several hours a day. & she has playmates instead of living all alone in a cage in a shelter.

i wasn't quick enough with my camera to get a picture of her & sundance meeting for the first time. but i did get a picture of her meeting cassidy for the first time. & lots of other pictures of her. i turned on the shower to rinse it out & she went & played in it with the boys, so now i'll have three ferrets invading my morning shower, but i'm ok with that, at least she fits in with the gang! the cutest one is this one with her & sun curled up together in the hammock. cassidy is off to the right in the new little cuddle cup i got last night. he decided it was bath time so he didn't want to pile into the hammock with the other two.

intimate details part three: the writer in the suburbs & the fam

2008-08-16T22:09:00.006-05:00

things have been rocky for a while with my family & me. i don't always mention it in my blogs, but it's true. we're all five of us very passionate & strong willed people which can create problems when we come to a situation with very different points of view. a lot of my problems with my family have been a lot of my own doing. i have not necessarily been very happy with myself, which makes it hard for me to be at peace with those closest to me, if that makes any sense.

it's been over a full year now that i've been out of my parents' house, the longest that i haven't lived there since the year i lived in the dorms at hamline. & that has helped a lot. i think we needed the space to strengthen our relationship, if that makes any sense at all. i talk to my mom quite a bit. we email each other at least a couple times a week. i also try to stop at their house once a week, or every other week, just depending on what's going on.

while living in the suburbs was a big mental adjustment for me, it's been really good too. i live close enough to my parents that if there's an emergency i can still get there in a reasonable time, but i also live far enough away that no one ever just drops in because they're in the neighborhood. i live about 25-30 miles away depending on the exact route, which, given gas prices, is a pretty long haul. a round trip to & from their house is two gallons of gas in my car, more than that for any of their trucks, & when gas was around $4 a gallon it would make me seriously consider if i wanted to head out there or not. luckily E lives in minneapolis, so i'm not too far from him at all.

my apartment rocks. i like the fact that it's MY place. i don't have to answer to a roommate. if i want to leave my laundry sitting in the living room until i feel like folding it i can. i don't, but i could if i want to. i'll admit, it's a bit cluttered because it's so small & i have ferret toys all over the place. i pick them up each night before i go to bed, but when the fuzzies are running around they need to have access to their toys!

i'm even getting used to the burbs. there is a 24 hour perkins & a 24 hour holiday just around the corner. the grocery store is less than a mile from me & that's also 24 hours. i have a movie theater, post office, & lots of restaurants (both fast food & sit-down) near me. even target is just one exit down 494 from me. it kind of sucks that it's all "BIG BOX" stores in the 'burbs. i like going to unique mom & pop stores, but those are becoming more & more rare. when i make it to st. paul i go to those quirky places (i've even introduced E to little oven & he LOVES it!). i especially like the woman i rent from. she's really nice. i also get along with her daughters, who are just a few years younger than me, & their friends. it's a very harmonious living situation. i credit a lot of my being able to write to my living environment. i have my space. but i can be social when i want too.

it's also really awesome that this is only about 3.5 miles from my full time job, so i save money on gas & commute time. if i really want to i can head home for lunch & then go back to work. i don't do that because i would want to stay home just because once i'm home i like to hang out there for a while. i know i've said it lots, but i just LOVE where i live. it's perfect for me right now. it's a cool little place that is just me. totally me.

intimate details part two: romance & the writer

2008-08-16T21:50:00.003-05:00

so i've got a boyfriend. i've mentioned him in bits & pieces here on my blog. & i may as well flesh out the details for those of you that i haven't been able to tell in person, via text IM or email. now, because of who he is i'm not going to go into a lot of details, i'm not even going to mention him by first name on here, just as E.

so i met E on okcupid back in late april, we chatted for a day or so, then started texting (which wound up resulting in well over 200 texts in less than a week!). we had our first date on may 1st & then had a total of five dates over just seven days. basically we met & became nearly inseparable (my blog so my telling of the story, if he disagrees with any of this maybe we'll see a comment *grins* but i am telling the truth). so it's going on about three & a half months now that we've been dating.

he's two years older than me & about a foot taller. he's really smart, sweet, funny, talented, cute as hell, & all around a good egg. he challenges me on basically EVERYTHING & won't let me get away with any bullshit. which is awesome & infuriating because i'm used to being the one that challenges people, i'm not used to being challenged myself. he's also super sweet & loving.

he's met my family & is still dating me after doing so. my parents like him. today when matt stopped by my apartment to visit he even asked how E was doing! which had me gobsmacked & nearly speechless. matt must like him & approve, although he hasn't said anything to me about it. rachee hasn't met him because she was in milwaukee for my birthday when he met the fam at my apartment for my birthday dinner. my parents actually took us out to dinner friday night, the night before they went up north.

E is a really talented artist. he's a painter & comic book artist. he also does some freelance work on the side. it's because of all this that i'm not mentioning him by name. don't try looking for a link to his work in my "links of interest" because i'm not putting one there. he likes to keep his private life very separate from his public life, which i understand & respect. he is kind of a big deal. which is really awesome for him.

i haven't really felt any impact from his work except for his being unavailable at times due to it. the summer is his busy season & i started dating him right as his work really kicked into high gear. i support him in this because i know it's important that he work & the more work he does the more exposure he gets so that he'll be able to do just his art & give up teaching. although, i think he sort of likes teaching & probably would keep doing it....but he'll be able to demand more money once he gets super uber well known. things will settle down for him over the fall & winter, then start picking up again in the spring. interestingly enough, it's the EXACT opposite of how health insurance works. but my hours are pretty set, unlike his.

have i mentioned he's also super sweet? he looks out for me. when we were at dinner with my parents he encouraged me to eat more chicken because he knows that i need to make sure to eat enough protein. when we go out he holds my hand, or puts his arm around me while we're walking. he's also really supportive with my novel. when i've been a bit down/doubting if i can do this he simply tells me "you can do it." no cajoling or codling, just a statement. he knows that i write poetry & for my birthday he gave me a book of poetry by federico garcia lorca, with both the spanish & english versions of the poems. one day about a month ago in one of his classes he was demonstrating painting portraits & he did a portrait of the same poet. & he gave it to me instead of selling it. not for any reason, it wasn't my birthday, a holiday, or anniversary. he gave it to me just because he thought i'd like it. & i absolutely adore it!

to sum up: beckah's pretty dang twitterpatted.

intimate details part one: thesis, my novel, poetry, & a writer's life

2008-08-16T12:48:00.004-05:00

back at the end of july i met with my advisor at hamline, deborah, to talk about thesis. i've been enrolled in hamline's mfa program since spring semester 2002. so it's been six plus years now, definitely time to graduate and move on. once i get my mfa i'll be able to teach writing at the college level, which is exciting. i won't be giving up my full time job, but i'd give up my group home job (well, go on call, not QUIT quit). teaching would be a great stepping stone for getting me to where i want to be.

granted, i have a really great job at the insurance company. i like my coworkers, my job itself is challenging & rewarding, & i have great benefits (401K, wonderful health insurance, close to home, & lots of other little perks...i even recently referred my sister & she started this past monday!) but even with all of that, it's not what i want to do for the rest of my life. IF i really wanted to i know that i could climb the corporate ladder, & probably have a very fulfilling life, but it would really be a half life.

yes yes yes, i've said all this before. or, if i haven't, i've thought it before. & it would be easy to go along that path & let writing become a hobby. blog now & again & leave it at that. i came to a crossroads back in july, actually due to a conversation with my boyfriend, E.

i was hanging out with E at his place in his studio & we were talking about art & the longevity of different artists after their death. we were talking about musicians, writers, painters, sculptures, etc. & then we were talking about him & his relationship to his painting, & then my relationship to me & my writing. & he said to me:
"so writing is a hobby for you?"
the boy has no idea how close he came to getting hit. seriously hit. i didn't hit him because a: i'm not, by nature, a violent person. & b: i don't hit those i love, even if i want to. my response was:
"NO!"
he then asked me what it [my writing] is to me. & i told him what i've felt all along, ever since i was a child & i learned the power in words & in building a world, a universe, a galaxy from the simple tool of letters & imagination.
"it's my passion, it's my love, it's what i want to do."
& then E told me to do it then. he said while i have a great job at the insurance company, it'll never give me what i want. & he's right. it's something i've told myself for a while. something i've known for a while. sometimes it's easy to discredit someone when they say things like that, especially if you can convince yourself they don't know what they're talking about. but E knows. he's a painter, a comic book artist, & he pretty much makes a living doing that. supplementing that with teaching, but he knows what he's talking about. & i can't argue.

so i made an appointment with deborah to figure this all out. get thesis done & get on with my life. i met with her in july. she basically told me she would support me in whatever i choose to do. yeah, ball back in my court. so then i met with her again on august 8th, about four weeks after our first meeting. i told myself that i would work as hard as i could on my novel in that time, see what i could get done. my goal was to do ten pages a day, i had 23 days to do it. & if i could do that, then i'd go ahead with both projects, if i couldn't, then i'd go forward with just the poetry for my MFA. in those 23 days i did not get 230 pages done, but i got 60 done. in the previous years i'd been working on the novel i'd only managed to get about 50 done. i had kept reworking those same damn 50 pages. in 23 days i'd doubled the amount of story i had to work with. not 230 pages, but i proved to myself that i could do it.

i'll be meeting with my second reader, larry, in september to go over what i have done. right now i'm trying to get my novel completed. i have more reasonable goals, a minimum of 3 pages a day, but hoping to do more like 5 to 10. i'm not saying the novel has to be good, the fucker just has to be DONE. one of my good friends steph is also reading my novel, as i finish it. everyday i bring pages to her, & if i don't bring her pages she has my full permision to harass me about it. & i feel so good. so fucking good!

right now my characters are taking on a life of their own. what i had planned seems to be going awry, so i'm not making plans anymore. i sit down at my computer & i write & go with it. the characters are not turning out to be the people i thought they were, & i love it! i don't even know anymore if the novel will end the way that i thought it would, but i'm ok with that. it's a great ride right now. i wake up before work, write while i drink my coffee & my ferrets run. i come home & let the ferrets run while i eat my dinner, then i sit down & write again. it is so fucking fabulous!

mid august: what's beckah been up to?

2008-08-16T10:49:00.002-05:00

it's been a few weeks since i've blogged, so here's the quick & dirty recap of my life (with intimate details to follow...well, some intimate details *grins*)
~been working....but not doing too much over 40 hrs/wk at the FT job- go me!
~put leif & anthony in a new cage (new to them, i actually had it when i had my other rattie, johnny the rat) that they CANNOT stick their heads out of!
~working on my novel (before & after work)
~have a plan set to finish thesis & graduate
~met with my advisor deborah & going to meet with my second reader, larry, in september
~saw my parents off to the north shore for their anniversary vacation
~spending time with my boyfriend when i can
~all around being a rockin' cool chick
~corralling naughty ferrets (i swear, i'm set for toddlers now)

pervy dirty boys

2008-07-24T22:02:00.005-05:00

my apartment is pretty small, not like it's the cubboard under the stairs or anything, but cozy. i have a nice little livingroom, small kitchen, 3/4 bath, & my bedroom. ok, my bedroom is GINORMOUS, but i don't let the ferrets run in there. basically when i'm home & awake they get to run around the rest of the joint & play & get out all of their ferret energy. I have litter boxes through out my place so they don't have to look far for a bathroom. & i hope frantically that they'll use their box instead of a random patch of floor. ferrets are strong willed critters & will do what they please.

so when i take a shower, because i take super quick showers, as in only about ten minutes, i leave the bathroom door open & let the boys run. i have a litter box in the bathroom too for them, so i don't want to lock them out of a bathroom & wind up putting a clean foot in a ferret poopie. so i was taking a shower last week & all of a sudden i feel something on my foot, i look down & sundance is playing in the shower. which was surprising, but my response was "rock on, the ferret likes to play in water." well cassidy did the same thing the next day. & i knew i was going to bathe them this past sunday so i didn't mind at all. i figured if they like playing in water bathtime will be a breeze. so i wasn't about to kick them out of the shower if it was fun for them.

yeah, not so much. i went to bathe them on sunday & you would've thought i was trying to torture them. it was kind of like giving a cat a bath, for anyone who has had that particular pleasure. they aren't as big as cats, only being 2.9 lbs (sun) & 3.5 lbs (cass), but they still struggled. & they have sharpish little nails. but luckily they didn't bite. i gave sundance his bath first while cassidy napped in their cage. i tried to towel dry him & get him all fluffed up & he wasn't having any of it. basically i was barely able to get a smidgeon of the excess water off of him before sundance was out of my arms & running around my apartment rolling on the carpet & rubbing himself up against any piece of fabric he could find. since cassidy is my mellow cuddly boy i was sort of hoping that maybe things would be easier with him. not in the least. he threw the same kind of fit his brother did.
luckily ferrets only need to be bathed every 2-4 weeks just depending on what they get into & how clean you keep their cage. so it's not a really horrendous task, but it will take some effort. i also kind of figured after the bath incident they would be very wary of my shower & they'd stay out of it because they'd associate it with baths. nope. monday morning while i was showering for work they both trapsed in & out of the shower. cass & sun are totally pervy little boys. they won't let me bathe them without throwing a temper tantrum, but they'll run in & wrestle while i take my shower.
ferrets. go figure. *grins* but i do like being a ferret mom. they're good boys...according to the vet they are the most angelic ferrets she's ever met. they didn't struggle at all during their exam or getting their distemper & rabies shots! my boyfriend says the same thing, my ferrets are really well behaved. he actually wants me to bring my ferrets over to play with his. i'm afraid they'll pick up bad habbits. his roommate thinks they'll just learn how to be ferrets.

the rats are still doing well. they don't like to be picked up or cuddled. they're content to just chill in their cage & let me spoil them rotten with treats. they LOVE the strawberry mini wheats. well, let's face it, they love ANY kind of treats.

weight update

2008-07-16T20:44:00.006-05:00

i need to bitch about my weight more often on here! i wrote the blog complaining that i couldn't break through to under 180 & then it happened, the very next day! yesterday morning when i stepped on the scale it read 179.4. i even hopped off it, then hopped back on to see it again (& take a picture because i really AM that much of a geek!) it was last week or so that i had stepped on the scale saw 179 something & then got the camera & then i was back up into 180.X, yeah, that was a kick in the teeth. & then i bounced all over the low 180's for days. but the 179.4 stuck. even though i got on & off the scale five times. that's not an exaggeration, i really did that just to see if it would stay in the 179 range.
i do have the photographic proof that i was in the 179's for a while. & this morning i was still in the 179 range, 179.8, but still under 180! i thought i would have more of an epiphany or a wow moment once i got to under 180. the last time i weighed 180 i was 14 years old, probably a few inches shorter than i am now, & definitely wearing bigger clothes. i now weigh less than i did in 8th grade. how can that not make me cry or mist up even a little? maybe because i'm still in this unreal phase. it all seems to be some kind of dream, or some kind of odd reality that i still have not adjusted to yet.

i'm about 18 or 19 pounds away from losing half of my body weight since my highest weight. i had really wanted to do it all on my own. but i'm not ashamed of the fact that i needed help. i did as much as i really could before i reached out. some of my friends have asked me if i wished i would've done this back in 2007 when i first started the process. & i'm really glad that i did wait until 2008. i wasn't ready back in the spring/summer of 2007 when i went in for my surgical consult. but this time i was ready.

& it's exciting to be in this new virgin weight territory. kind of a mini adventure. i'm excited to see where this all goes. it's also weird because even though my back has been hurting me really really badly for over a week now, suddenly monday evening/tuesday morning it was like i got a sudden burst of energy. i don't feel the same tiredness & lethargy that i had experienced ever since my surgery on february 11th. almost like i was covered in a blanket & someone lifted it off me. maybe because it's now been over five months since my surgery. maybe because i've lost such a considerable amount of weight. maybe a combination of all of them & something else. but it's very cool.

seriously? you did what to your hair?

2008-07-15T23:38:00.006-05:00

i got my hair done tonight. i got it cut, a cute short new style, bangs, layers, texturizing...the whole nine yards. & then i got it dyed. first black. then i got parts of it bleached out. & then the bleached out parts dyed pink. *nods* yup. it took me a while to convince my stylist to do it. she was unsure how it would look & didn't want me to hate her. she works with me & used to be my supervisor before my promotion. she actually used to do hair for a living until a shoulder problem made her retire & join the insurance game. when rl (my stylist) was worried about how my hair would turn out i told her "hair grows, piercings heal, tattoos are forever." which pretty much sums it all up.

she does an awesome job with all my cuts. she always brings out the best in my curls & i love my hair each time she does it. she has dyed it before, but just like a burgundy color, never anything this dramatic. she never did anything this dramatic ever. but she took a risk & i promised her no matter how it turned out i'd love it. & i do love it. it's not exactly what i had pictured in my head, but i really really love it. she did an awesome job.

i was actually talking about this with someone at work who just couldn't believe that i really planned on dying my hair black & pink. my role as a qa is kind of a leadership role, but my supervisor & my manager don't seem to have any trouble with me expressing myself. then again, i'm also the girl that tends to wear cargo pants lately & has perfected the punk/business casual combo. it's just part of what makes me unique & so well loved...although evidently not humble *winks* besides, i pretty much stay well confined to my cube-sweet-cube when i'm working anyway. helps me stay out of trouble.

one of my coworkers recently got her nose pierced & she was asking me if i thought it wouldn't be well received because of our corporate work environment, to which i responded "dude, you're asking the chick with a nose ring what she thinks. i don't think it matters one bit." i actually am far from finished with my own body modification. i'm pretty sure my next tattoo will be on my left forearm, another tarot card is what i'm thinking. i'm also contemplating a lip ring to compliment my nose ring. on occasion it's been mentioned in my presence that i may want to stop getting tattoos & that i may want to lay off the piercings. that it's not professional & it will hinder my climb up the corporate ladder. but that's not really my dream, it's more my sister's dream.

i also really resent the implication that my tattoos, piercings, or hair color have anything at all to do with my intelligence,work ethic, & ability to do a fabulous job. i can understand & respect the fact that some people may see it as a phase & not the right "image" to project if i want to be taken seriously. however, i have proven myself, just as i am, to be a valuable asset to the company: friendly, bright, hardworking, responsible, & ambitious. maybe if i was just walking in off the street i could understand how my outside appearance may put some people off, but i'm kind of an established entity around my work.

& then there's the family factor. i'll be going to see my mom's family on the 27th for a family get together. i've always been kind of the black sheep of my mom's family. i've been the outsider. the artist. i have the most piercings. the most hours of ink. & definitely don't follow anyone else's rules for living. i'm fairly sure when my dad sees my hair he's going to say "birdie, why did you do such a damn dumb thing?" my brother is going to shake his head & walk away. & my mom is probably going to ask me why i do these things to myself...although, unlike a piercing or a tattoo she can't ask me why i feel compelled to mutilate my body.

i did take some pics when i got home. i have one of me & then one with each of my fuzzies (aka ferrets). sundance wears the blue collar & cassidy wears the green collar. i'm not sure if those are the ones that they each wore with their previous owner, of if she even had them assigned, but that's what i'm doing. (fuzzy side note: i may have to get an extra collar or two to keep around the apartment. they really are little escape artists & each night at least one of them gets out of their collar through playing around). for some reason my hair looks more reddish/orangish in these pictures, but in person the pink comes out. & i've already gotten several compliments on it tonight from melissa & her friends. (melissa is one of the girls that lives in the upstairs of the house that i rent. she & her twin sister live with their mom, who actually owns the house i rent. i know, slight aside, but my apartment is totally pimp. i love this place!)

beckah's boys

2008-07-15T00:01:00.006-05:00

my boys & i have settled into a nice little routine. when i get home i take cassidy & sundance out of their cage so they can get their play time. leif & anthony still get their treats every morning when i wake up & every evening when i come home. all in all they are pretty spoiled little mammals. it's also really interesting how vastly different their personalities are from each other.

my ratties for instance. anthony LOVES his exercise wheel. he's in it most every night, sometimes in the morning when i wake up. he never gets going fast enough to spin himself all the way around like a hamster will do, but he goes at a decent clip for a rat. leif on the other hand i haven't seen in there once. he'll walk through it, & nap in their little cuddle cup next to it, but he won't run in it. & even though the giant rat ball is the exact same theory as an exercise wheel, anthony just won't use it when i put him in it. they also aren't much for being pulled out of their cage for cuddling. they like being pet while in their, they love their treats, but they don't really like cuddling. leif is also my little cage biter. it's a good thing their cage has metal bars because he loves to chew on the bars. it's a nerve grating sound, but as long as he's not hurting himself i'm not going to make a big deal out of it.

leif is also my little piglet. i'll give him a yogurt bite & he'll stuff it in his mouth & beg for another one. or he'll run it down to the bottom of the cage & then speed back up to the top to try to get a second one out of me. he's not so fond of the apple bites, but anthony loves them! they both love popcorn though, which is really neat. i bought them some treats that are mini corn on the cob ears & i can microwave them & the dried corn will pop off the cob. they love eating the little nibbles of popcorn (which are the cutest thing ever). they'll eat the dried corn off the cob, but they love the popcorn best. i'm considering hitting up rummage sales this summer to see if i can find an air popper & then i'll just buy some popping corn & make that for them, a lot cheaper than the dried mini cobs. they also really like strawberry frosted shredded mini wheats & life cereal, those are also infinitely cheaper than actual rat treats :)

sundance & cassidy are almost complete opposites. sundance is definitely my little outlaw! he has so much energy, i wish i had half of his energy! he's always the first to wake up & want to come out & play. he also has yet to run around until he's worn out. cassidy on the other hand i'm always having to wake up & coax out of the cage. he'll also be running around & then decide that it's nap time & just curl up in the middle of my kitchen floor. ok, maybe curl up is the wrong term. he'll just lay down & assume the ferret "speed bump" position.

i've been able to clip cassidy's nails but haven't had as much success with sundance. then again, i've been able to clip cassidy's because i catch him when he's still mostly asleep. this coming weekend i'm going to give them a bath for the first time. it will also be time to clean their ears for the first time. & ironically i think sundance is going to be the one that likes taking a bath. i have no clue on the ear cleaning. i was showering sunday morning & i was letting the boys run for a bit while i was getting ready, all of a sudden i looked down & sundance was in the shower playing in the water! crazy little fuzzy.

cassidy loves to sleep on his back showing his belly with his front paws straight in the air. i've nicknamed it the dead ferret pose. sometimes sundance will curl up with cassidy, or he'll lay on top of his brother & fall asleep across him. even though cassidy is the more mellow one occasionally i'll see him chasing sundance around the apartment or getting the best of his brother in a wrestling match. their absolute favorite place to play, for some reason, is my bathroom. but a close second is any place that they possible shouldn't be. the picture at the bottom is my absolute favorite, their butts sticking out of my boyfriend's boots. don't ask me why they would want to stick their noses all the way into shoes, but they do it. they love to do the same to my skate shoes & they were oddly obsessed with my brother's shoes when he was here. the same with steph's shoes when she popped by.

what's normal?

2008-07-14T00:40:00.007-05:00

weighing in around 181 lately. which is frustrating beyond belief to me because i want to be in the 170's so bad. the only weight i remember being under 200 lbs was 180. & that was when i was 14 & in eighth grade. so once lately at work the comment i get most often is "you're shrinking away into nothing" or "you're just disappearing" or something of that ilk. basically telling me i'm getting way to skinny. once i'm into the 170's firmly it's going to be huge for me. it'll be "virgin weight territory" for me.

i'll admit i haven't been to the gym. the last time i was there was before my exploratory surgery, the day before my ER visit actually. i did get the medical okie-dokie to go ahead with any activity i want, just to go slowly. so i'm not supposed to immediately go to hard core weight lifting when i've done pretty much nothing since january, which is, of course, a DUH statement. i know once i get back to the gym, even if it's just walking for 30 minutes every other day that's going to help push my body out of this little plateau i seem to be stuck in. i also am anxious to start weight lifting again & really get back to my pilates & yoga. i'm also currently in the middle of a fucking wicked back injury, so that blows pretty hard core :( just sleeping, working, or being conscious is pretty painful, so i'm still not going back to the gym quite yet. & unfortunately back injuries just take time & pampering to really get better.

my long range plan is to do yoga or pilates every morning before work, & then do weight lifting after work. & by long range i mean i'm hoping to be to that level of activity by the end of july 2009. i used to work out twice a day for a total of 2-4 hours a day, & that was a combination of weight lifting/cardio in the form of the firm videos & then also pilates. i won't be going back to 4 hours a day of working out just because i have work, my ratties, my ferrets, a boyfriend, family, friends, & my writing, all of which i'm trying to balance & give each one enough time without shorting any of them.

looking & i told her that most days when people say i look thin that i want to respond with "yeah, so friday afternoon i met with my thesis advisor, deborah, & she was telling me how good i'mi'm thinner than the fat girl i used to be, but i'm still frickin big." & she said that i'm not big at all, that from her point of view i look "normal." so what is normal? i thought i heard recently that the average american woman wears a size 14. which, i'm still bigger than that. my shirts are around a size 12 (men's medium or ladies large) & most of my jeans are a 16, but those are kinda getting big on me right now. so i guess if i'm almost a size 14 then i'm nearing the size of the average american woman, but that does also take into account that there are people who are a tiny size 0 & then there are people who are a lot bigger.

my body perception is so bizarre lately. when i lay on my side my hip bones jut out a bit, even though i have plenty of flab on my thighs, belly, arms....pretty much all over. & now my rib cage is fairly prominent, same with my shoulder blades. my wrists are tiny enough that when i work at the group home i carry clothes to the residents rooms by hanging the hangers off my wrists while grabbing all the folded items in my arms. but then i can't wear my doc martin knee boots because my calves are still pretty chunky....which totally blows that i can use my wrists as a clothes bar but can't wear my knee boots. how is that even remotely fair?

according to the BMI charts that so lovingly grace the walls of every single fucking doctor's office a person walks into, i am still obese. at 181 lbs, wearing about a 14/16 & nearing what is the average size of the american woman, i'm still obese. i won't be "overweight" until i'm 174 lbs. it would be 179 if i was 5'5", but being a really short girl at 5'4 1/4" it's more like 174-ish. i know it's all just numbers not based on any kind of physical reality of a person, but still, thos numbers can matter. if, for instance, i needed to buy some life insurance, that's part of the calculation. it blows, but it is. according to the BMI chart i won't be a "normal" weight until i'm 145 lbs. it does make me wonder though, since i can feel certain bones jutting out pretty regularily now, how would i look at 145? or if i make it down to the 133 that HCMC deemed to be my ideal weight (had i never been fat).

once i reach the elusive 179 my next goal that i'll be striving towards is 161.5. once i reach that weight then i will have lost, since my highest weight, officially half my body weight. i do have some pics from when i was alot bigger. the ones i have on my computer are all hovering around 290 or so, i'd have to search through old pics at my parents' to see if i can find a picture of me around my highest weight. but i should put something up soon. i don't even have a recent picture of myself to put up. but, i'm getting my hair done on tuesday evening, so maybe i'll have my stylist take a picture of me. i'll need to remember to wear something ultra cute that day.

but back to the blog title: what IS normal? for weight, for size, for all of it. i really don't know anymore.

update (7/14/8): here is a pic from my birthday. my brother was just snapping random pics with my digital cam & i didn't know he was taking it, & i'm not super psyched about it, but here it is for now.

do two ferrets & a human count as a carpool?

2008-07-04T13:02:00.006-05:00

on wednesday night i picked up my new boys, two six month old ferrets. unfortunately their previous owner was unable to give them the play time & attention they needed because of work, so she made the tough decision to put a posting on craig's list & give up her boys. i'm sad for her, but it's rather fortunate for me. she had the ad up for the two boys, their cage, all the litter, bedding, supplies she had left for them. so tonight after i left erik at his place with his two new ferrets (jack & jill) he adopted from the woodbury humane society, i headed over to meet the guys & see if they would take to me.

the guys were sleeping when i got there, but they did let me handle them & were so sweet i said i'd love to be their new mom. so i headed home with two new ferrets in a pet carrier, their cage in the back seat of my saturn, & a bag with all their assorted accompaniments (food, litter, nail clippers, etc, etc). i felt so bad for them that first night, they were scared from the car ride, & then there were fireworks going off at the plymouth town hall when i got home, & then they were in a new place with two rats that were definitely giving them the evil eye. i'm not sure leif & anthony are too fond of their new brothers.

but, they've made a great adjustment already! they were in a pretty small cage for just one ferret, but really small for two. they were in the ferret starter cage, which isn't a bad cage at all, i just like to spoil my pets. & so last night after work i headed out to petsmart & got them a HUGE new cage. the damn thing is almost taller than me. but it's really ferret proof in that they really can't get out at all. it has four levels so they have plenty of room to play & for their toys & bedding. i also got a small animal "play pen" to help ferret proof my apartment. i can either hook it all together into a play pen or, the way i've been using it lately, is just as a gate to fence off my appliances so they can't get behind the stove & fridge.

yeah, four pets is a lot, but they're all little guys that can be confined to cages. it's not like i have four cats running around or four dogs or anything like that. but they do take time & care & love. which i am more than happy to give them. it also assures that i will NOT be working the insane 10-12 hour days that i have been lately. ferrets do need time out of their cage, around 3-4 hours a day, so i need to make sure i'm home & around to let them roam my place & play.

& here are some pics! the names they had were guero & travieso (blonde & mischievous in spanish). the names didn't mean much to me so i renamed them butch cassidy & the sundance kid, cassidy & sundance for short. cassidy is the one with the dark tail & sundance is the one that has the white on the tip of his tail.

it's bunnicula!

2008-06-28T23:49:00.004-05:00

when i was in elementary school there was a series of books all about bunnicula. a bunny who was also a vampire. but he just drained the life from veggies leaving them white & lifeless, not actually draining blood from humans. now, i haven't thought of those books in a, well, probably good decade & a half at least. but, i saw something tonight that not only gave me the chills but made me think of that long ago series.

even though i just got my ratties a month ago i've been contemplating getting a chinchilla. i love dogs & cats, but my life right now is best conducive to an animal(s) that lives in a cage. when i was at petco picking up some stuff for my boys i saw a lil gray chinchilla curled up asleep in his cage & went to the net & started researching. so i've been looking on craig's list to see if i can find the right chinchilla for me in need of a home. which does bring us back to bunnicula.

i like looking at pics of animals so i opened a post titled "2 cute bunnies" & was confronted with pictures of a rabbit that scared the bejesus out of me. the post is for a bonded female/male(fixed) pair of rabbits. & i'm not necessarily a cujo believer. i don' really think animals are evil or have the capacity for evil, i think that's more a human trait. i will concede that a mistreated animal will become mean as a defense mechanism. but, the pictures that follow are making me shiver just a little. i know. the poor bunny is probably sweet as can be. but check out the second pic with the other bunny. looks pretty evil, eh?

filter? we don't need no frickin filter!

2008-06-16T20:54:00.005-05:00

WARNING: this is not work appropriate. this also may be offensive &/or an overshare. read at your own risk.

jenn continually reminds me that the filter between my mouth & my brain is seriously damaged. or possibly missing. it may take extensive testing to determine which, but the end result is i almost always say things that either offend people, or would offend them, or are just plain wrong in so many ways. today i nearly said something that would have been highly inappropriate. however, somehow, i managed not to say it.

the set up: i was at walgreen's picking up a monistat combination pack & a pack of today's sponges (i need to stop having surgery, the fucking catheter gives me yeast infections...they even pumped me full of antibiotics too! go figure). so i'm getting these two items, the cashier is a middle aged white woman with ashy blond hair & she asks me "how're you doing today?" i almost started to say: "except for the extreme feminine itching & worried about getting knocked up-FANTASTIC!"

it took every little ounce of my willpower to literally bite my tongue & say "great, thanks. how're you?" i've texted a bunch of my friends this little story & the consensus was that everyone wished i would've really said it. i've actually had a couple people tell me they'd pay me to say it. i may actually go with my friend steph this sunday just she can be a witness. not like i'll need more monistat then, but it has an amazing shelf life. sinead actually suggested i should've said that & asked if they had a pine car-freshner to get rid of any odors (which there are not, in case you're wondering). BUT, if i'm going to open mouth & insert foot may as well do it to my hip instead of just my knee.

2008-06-12T07:42:00.003-05:00

in about an hour i'll be leaving my parents' house & heading to HCMC to go under general anesthesia again. this time i'm having an exploratory laprascopy & an EGD (i can't recall the exact name, but they're sticking a tube down my throat). about a month ago, may 15th to be exact, i went into the ER at methodist hospital with abdominal pains so bad all i could do is cry. a coworker had to drive me in actually because i couldn't drive myself. they did some tests in the ER but couldn't find anything emergent, so i was sent home with orders to follow up.

pn (park nicollet the medical system my main doctor works from & the medical system of methodist hospital) decided i have an ulcer, put me on meds, & said we'll see what happens. i went to HCMC & my surgeon disagreed. pn called me last week to schedule an endoscopy, i nicely told them my surgeon disagreed with them & could they please call HCMC & come to a conclusion on a diagnosis. yeah. that didn't go over well. if you want to feel seething indignancy try telling a private practice doctor that your county doctor thinks they're wrong.

went back to HCMC yesterday for my surgical follow up & because i've had two bad attacks in the past two weeks (one last wednesday & one this past monday) my surgeon decided the best course of action is to go in & look around to see what's going on. i found this out yesterday morning. he had mentioned surgery when i saw him two weeks ago, but my brain somehow deciphered it to mean i'd only have surgery if things got bad enough for me to go to the er. i didn't really comprehend that if it was still bad over two weeks that i'd be heading back under the scalpel. ye-haw. *eye roll*

i did start to freak out yesterday, i won't deny that. but my surgeon doesn't seem terribly worried, evidently it's just a simple in & out outpatient procedure. he said i'll be fine & dandy by sunday to head to the science museum with my dad. i'll be honest, i did ask if we could do it later because sunday was my birthday & he said i probably shouldn't schedule this around my social calendar. but we could wait if i wanted, but he didn't feel it was the best option. yeah. evidently when faced with possibly life threatening medical diagnosis my first response is denial.

flashback eight years: saturday of easter weekend in 2000 my parents took me to regions hospital er because i was having crippling stomach pains, all i could do was cry. they did some tests & realized i had pancreatitus, which can be really serious if untreated. they said my gallbladder had to come out, i had stones & it was causing serious problems, but they couldn't take out my gallbladder until the pancreatitus resolved so the er doc wanted to admit me. my response was "i have a final project due on monday, can i go home & i promise i'll come back monday afternoon?" the doctor looked at me as if i was completely loony tunes & off my lithium & said "no, you're not leaving. this could KILL you." most people would accept that, but me being me & being one fucking stubborn bitch, i still asked him if it was open to negotiations. it wasn't.

time to shut down my computer so i can get off to the hospital. i'll be blogging later today, hopefully, if i'm not too nauseous from the anesthesia. whatever they gave me last time for anesthesia made me SO sick. omg. that was horrible nauseous. i'm contemplating spewing now as i recall the sensation. but, at least this time it's not as serious as it was last time. wish me well!

checking in, body dismorphia, & you're craving what now?!

2008-06-08T23:01:00.004-05:00

one of the big questions i get a lot is "how much weight have you lost?" not a question i mind answering at all, & i realized i haven't answered it here on my blog in a while. when i weighed in yesterday morning i was 192.8. which means that from my all time high of 323 i'm down 130.2 lbs. yeah. i've lost a whole human being. & not just a kid or an olson twin, but a real sized human being! i've lost almost what hcmc told me would be my ideal weight if i have never been morbidly obese.

i actually have such a hard time wrapping my head around the numbers sometimes because they seem so unreal. but they're true. & i have to say that even though i did wind up going the surgery route, i did lose a pretty healthy chunk of weight on my own prior to surgery. just before i started the liquid diet i was hovering around 258 or so, which means i lost a good 60+ pre-surgery on my own, which is a damn good accomplishment.

i've taken to staring in mirrors. i mean. i'm one sexy bitch. i was a sexy bitch even at 300+ lbs, but i'm just dead sexy now *winks* but seriously. i'll look in the mirror at times & i kind of can't believe my eyes. i also have taken to running my hands up & down my sides. i can feel ribs now. i don't recall that sensation before. i've also become obsessed with my hip bones. when i lay on my side watching tv they jut out just a little bit & i can bump my fingertips along the bones. it is the damned oddest thing to suddenly experience. but i'm really enjoying all these new experiences.

last week i had an OMG, you're frickin kidding me moment. rachel & i went to the death cab for cutie show (i will be writing more about this soon). afterwards i wanted to get a t-shirt. so i asked the girl selling them if she had any larges or extra larges. she handed me an extra large. i then asked rachel if she wanted one (my treat cause this was her birthday gift) & she said yeah. she also held up the xl & said "becks, i think you'll need something smaller." so i gave the xl to rachel cause it fit her & asked the girl if they had any larges, which they didn't. so i got a medium. as rachel & i were walking out of the orpheum i said something about it fitting me in a few weeks or so.

when i got home from dropping her off at her place i held it up & realized it looked about the same size as one of my other tees i've been wearing, so i figured what the hell & tried it on. & it fit. yeah. the fucking medium tee fit me. i almost died. i then wore it to work on tuesday to work & then proceeded to tell everyone my story of the t-shirt saga. i think fairly soon some people i know may start punching me in the face over the size thing. i do often tell people when i get into a new size. i just find myself gobsmacked & need to share my sense of wonder. then again. i am cognisant that my wonder is not everyone's.

it's so odd because i really have no clue at all what size i wear. it seems to vary so widely lately that i really can't keep up. & i think that because i've lost so quickly, which yes, i realize was part of the point of getting this surgery, but because i've lost so quickly i think my mind is having a hard time coming to grips with all of this at times. i hold up clothes, think "yeah, that'll fit over my left thigh, if i'm lucky" & the thing fits perfectly, or is a little bit big. i'm sure that once i'm a year or more out from surgery & the weight loss stops i'll get a better handle on all of this. & i'll be able to look at clothes & tell if they'll fit or not, or at least do it with a bit more accuracy.

with as rough a time as i had early on, things are getting better. i'm able to eat a bigger variety of foods. i'm no longer a vegetarian (thank heavens, that almost killed me!) i still don't get hungry, but i do find that i'll have a food that actually tastes good, or if it's easy to digest, i'll wind up craving it for a while. which is the strangest damn thing, because i really don't feel hunger, yet i get cravings. for a while there i was on an eggroll kick. but it had to be vietnamese eggrolls from village wok. & then after that i went through a chili phase. part of that may have been that i had enough to feed the eighth army in my fridge. last week was chef salads. this week i'll be eating plenty of chili again because i thawed some of the stuff i froze. not sure if i'll be craving it or not.

let's see, what else. OH! & i've developed intolerance to both milk & sugar. for a while i was drinking milk three times a day & it was my sole source of nutrition. now i get really sick & feel sluggish & icky when i drink it. which makes me sad. as for the sugar. i can have a little bit, but i can't have really sugary things or i get sluggish & sleepy & feel general malaise. so no byerly's cake for my birthday as in years past. the frosting is too harsh for me. instead my family is getting the reduced sugar cake mix, making that, using sugar free jello, & light cool whip to make a "poke cake." & i'm hoping that will be ok & not make me sick. the sugar thing is tricky because while sugar makes me sick, i still have an incredible sweet tooth. yeah, there's a nice loop the universe threw at me. BUT! i've found a way to cure my sweet craving without getting sick. i just eat one of two of the strawberry frosted mini wheats at the end of my meal. i get my sweet craving taken care of, i don't get sick, & they're not horribly bad for me.

there is plenty more to update in my life, but my computer is telling me it's near midnight. my eyelids are drooping. & they boys (anthony & leif) are giving me dirty looks because i'm still awake & all up in their kool aid. either that or they're pissed because when i got home from work i gave them carrots instead of yogurt drops or frosted mini wheats or life cereal. they're definitely spoiled little boys :) either way, more to come soon.

thought of the week: may 26-june 1

2008-05-29T22:00:00.005-05:00

we admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do. and these are the words you wish you wrote down. this is the way you wish your voice sounds, handsome and smart. oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart

~brand new okay, i believe you but my tommy gun don't

i've been listening to a lot of brand new lately. not for any reason in particular, but just because. i really enjoy their lyrics, & this song in general is one that's been drawing me. the phrase i like the best of theirs is the portion of the above quote that says "my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart." i can't even explain why i'm so drawn to this particular part of the song, but i am.

maybe it's because i'm a passionate person. when i really believe in someone or something i do it with my whole heart. i love with all of my being. i put myself out on the line, sometimes so far out there that i can't see the edge anymore. i also tend to be a social person. at work when i was working as a phone rep taking incoming member calls i would get more done in a fifteen minute break than most people accomplished on their half hour lunch. i'd get water from the breakroom, use the bathroom, & talk to a dozen people & still get back on the phone in time. i just really see myself in these lyrics.

lately i've been doing a lot of reflecting. much of it spurred on by my surgery & the after affects. some by things that have been going on in the lives of my friends. some other things in my life. & some just because we're closing very quickly on my birthday. & that gives me more ammunition for deep thought than the turn of the year.

i hate giving teasers, but i will be blogging more in upcoming days. my recovery has been very rough. which has kept me away from writing. just because sometimes there's too much to think about typing up. yesterday i got some potentially not great news, i'm still processing it. but, on the upside, i'm writing again. which is always a good thing. especially for someone like me who puts their whole self into almost everything they do. i'm getting sleepy & feel as if i'm not making much sense anymore. so i'm going to log off & sleep. so i can work in the AM & blog in the evening.

beckah's new babies

2008-05-29T21:17:00.007-05:00

i really LOVE living alone. i love my new apartment. my landlady & her daughters are wicked cool. i've been hanging out with her daughters more lately, just chilling by the fire pit (i'll talk about the pool & hot tub later on) but sometimes it gets a little lonely being here all by myself. not like i'm rushing to move out & get a roommate or anything. i really do LOVE my place & want to stay here for a while.

but i've been thinking i'd like a pet. i do have my two cats & dog at my parents' place. however, two things: #1 my apartment is small, too small for my dog & too small even for a litter box. & #2 (more importantly) my dad doesn't want me taking the cats & dog from their place. he likes having them around. so i pay for their food, litter, vet bills, treats, all that good rot & my parents have custody. so i started thinking of other pets. & i'm not a bird or fish person. not really into reptiles, though i don't hate them. BUT, back in '04 i had a rat, johnny the rat, & i really liked having a rat. so i asked my landlady if she'd mind if i got a small pet in a cage & she said of course she didn't mind, so i decided i'd get a couple rats.

on monday, which was memorial day, i went to petsmart to leave my name so that when they got in two dumbo rats from the same litter they could give me a call. i wanted dumbos specifically for a couple reasons. one is that they aren't as popular as regular fancy rats. another is they are really super cute! i think regular rats are cute, but dumbo rats have large round ears (like dumbo the elephant from disney) & their ears are a bit lower set on their head. they also get a bit bigger than normal fancy rats, & they also tend to be a bit more mellower. because they aren't as popular as normal fancy rats i've only seen one in a store at a time, & not all pet stores carry them. i decided to get two instead of one because rats are very social animals, & i didn't want them to get lonely. & while i don't plan on ignoring them, my life can get busy & it's not unusual for me to be gone from home for 16+ hours in a row. so, i figured i'd have to leave my name & they'd give me a call when they got in two rats.

to my shock they actually had two dumbos from the same litter in the store! the boys had been there about two weeks. & they're still little guys, so they were probably around six weeks when they got to petsmart. i really had not planned on getting my pets on monday. my big cage is still over at my friend josh's house in storage, so i got them a kind of medium cage, more than enough room for right now, & decided to get them right then. i figured i have NEVER seen two dumbos at a store at once, so it was fate that they were meant to be my pets.

my first little guy is named anthony (pronounced ant-nee, watch the movie oscar to see what i mean). anthony is an albino dumbo rat. his brother is named leif (pronounced like leaf). leif is cream & white dumbo, his eyes are really dark red, almost black. i did get anthony's name from the movie oscar which i was watching monday afternoon. his personality is kind of like that of the character anthony in the movie, the one that keeps outwitting syvester stalloine's character, snaps. i had tried naming my other little guy snaps, but it just didn't fit. so while i was playing with him tonight i tried out several different names to see what he'd respond to & what fit his personality. he's my little explorer. every time i take him out of the cage he wants to run around & check everything out, so i decided on leif after the viking explorer leif erikson.

here are pictures of my little guys. the first picture is of anthony. he was nibbling on a small puffy piece of food right before i took the picture. the second is of leif just chilling on the penthouse level of their rat condo. he's kind of a ham when i pull out the camera already!

celibacy? this ain't that kinda celebration

2008-05-26T18:48:00.003-05:00

i was hanging with my friend stephanie yesterday. & through out our travels of the day we came across some interesting information. may is national masturbation month. my question is: how did i find this out so late in the month? there is a heck of a lot of celebrating that i've been missing out on! for the last little bit of may i propose that everyone celebrate as much as possible. in my opinion most people don't masturbate enough. or rather, people don't orgasm enough. i think quite a few people think that if they're not with someone they just aren't going to get any in general. i really believe if everyone orgasmed at least four times a week that this world would be a lot happier, mellower, less stressful place.

so cum on & celebrate :)